58 days till the 'possible' wedding- how do i earn his trust back?!

August 27, 2009

I'm so lost. I have no idea what to do.

2 weeks ago, my fiance logged onto my facebook (we share all passwords) and found private messages to a freind from over sea's. They where mostly tame, talking about his gf, what we had for breakfast even...then one night when he was drunk he wrote me one saying...

"If you where here right now id ravage you.." The followig morning there was another one saying "Oh my god. Im so sorry. I got drunk last night and wrote to many stupid things on ppls facebooks, i hope i havent ruined our freindship that would be the last thing id want"

I foolishly wrote back

"Well you had your chance, i was just there! lol no dont stress, if anything im flatered...dont worry about it. So...."

From that my fiance thought i was having an online relationship, he now believes me (i think) that there was no feelings there (who ever believes differently on this forum is fine- i know how it looks, BUT i know within myself my own feelings. It was meerly a confidence boost if anything more) but he now has lost ALL trust in me. Which is completely understandble. He resents me slightly, and has no trust in me.

This is all fine and completely understandable, and im more than willing and wanting to regain this trust with him, im looking forward to showing him he can trust me again. I cant wait for that day.

However, we have a wedding booked and paid for that is to happen in 58 days. He's said to me " theres no way he'll marry some one he doesnt trust, and theres no way he'll f*ckin trust me within 2 months time" but he hasnt called off or postponed the wedding. When i ask him what he wants to do, he says its the last thing he's thinking about at the moment. He's focusing on the relationship and what he wants to happen there before the wedding or anything else...I can understand that, but i dont know why he wont cancel or go ahead? we dont have much time and theres more people affected than us, we have family from over sea's and interstate booking accomodation and flights etc. I dont want to push him though. I brought up the idea of postponing and he didnt respond, and he said last night to keep putting payments towards paying the wedding debt off into another account (rather than actually paying it- until he decides what he wants to do) so to me, he doesnt want to cancel. he still has hope but doesnt know 110% if he does want to go through with it.

On another note, he was thinking about breaking off the hole relationship over this- wedding, engagment relationship everything, he said if we wernt engaged he would have walked. Only 3 nights ago he decided he does want to stay in the relationship and work on it rather than break everything off. But he wants to see me work for his trust back. Which im willing, ive been overly affectionate, reminding him all the time that i love him and couldnt live with out him, reasuring him in other ways, making dinners, cleaning for him, trying my hardest just to show him i AM willing to work to get him back to feeling the same way for me. What else can i do?

And on a side note, he's gotten reall dominating...i think its subconcious because when i bring it up he says he doesnt realise he's being like that, or being nasty or rough but he is. I understand he's going to feel resentment and hurt and anger towards me for a while but its hard to bite my tongue to please him when he's started saying things like "No, you do my dishes" to what i respond with "no, why should i? i'm not your slave or maid" he then replied "Because your my woman....your very cheeky for some one who is trying to save a relationship" Even though ive done wrong im scared i wont be able to take this attitude for long, i have done wrong but that doesnt mean im now in debt to him, that when he says jump i say 'how high, how many times and how long for?'

any advice would be fantastic. I really want to go ahead with this wedding. i knwo within myself i want to be with this man for the rest of my life...i just cant read him at the moment. i dont know what he wants or what MORE i can do to regain trust. im closing my facebook account by the way.

Thanks.

August 27, 2009

I don't see anything inappropriate in your reply... just tell your F to grow up...

August 27, 2009

Have the two of you had any pre-marriage counseling? Sounds like you need it. Both of you have issues you should address now, instead of later. If things are not ment to be, it's alot easier to find out now, instead of later, after you've been married for 10 years.

OK, how to gain your fiance's trust:

1. If you're are not in pre-marriage counseling, start.

2. End your FB friendship with the other guy. No if's and's or but's about it. You were teedering on the edge of an emotional affair. You may not think so, but you were. If you are involved in any conversations with a male "friend", you wouldn't want your fiance' to be privy to, then it's wrong and inappropriate.

3. Complete honesty and transparency. Be brutally honest with him about everything. Give him complete access to your cell phone, email's, Facebook, everything. Now I know what your thinking, what about my privacy? I'll put it to you this way; if you have nothing to hide, what's the big deal? If you're involved in things you don't want your fiance' to know about, then you've got big problems. Then he's right, you are not trustworthy.

I'm not telling you these things to give you a hard time, I'm just telling you what I think you need to hear. Your fiance' is very hurt by the conversations between you and your "friend", and rightly so. You may not see the harm, but you have to look at it through his perspective.

I'll put it to you this way, how would you feel if your fiance' had simular conversations with one of his female "friends". I imagine you'd be just as hurt and upset, and you'd be having second thoughts about marriage.

August 27, 2009

I don't see anything inappropriate in your reply... just tell your F to grow up...

From a guys perspective, I have to beg to differ.

August 27, 2009

well, I'm a bloke as well and the conversation seems innocent enough to me... if he can't get over that, I would not marry the loser... especially if "he doesn't realise being like that"... WTF?

August 28, 2009

Seibert,

I understand i shouldnt have done what i did, but i dont believe marriage counciling should happen BEFORE a marriage! I understand marriage counciling later down the line when couples hit 'ruts' but i dont believe you should get married if you need to resort to coucnilling- i think we're at a stage were we should be able to sit down as a couple and talk things through ourselves.

Your point of putting myself in his shoes is a very good point- how ever i have done this, and i admit i would be very upset (im a jelous person) he would have to earn my trust back as im doing, But i would NEVER think to simple 'wash my hands' of the relationship or possibly call of a wedding. I'd be pissed but i feel its a little extreme, im human-ive made a mistake, ive admited to it and am willing to work through it. im honestly (and i dont know if i have the right to be but...) am a little disapointed he was thinking of walking.

As for facebook, its not even worth it. I store my photos on facebook so im goign to burn them to disc's tonight then close my account.

Thanks for taking the time to reply. xx

August 28, 2009

well, I'm a bloke as well and the conversation seems innocent enough to me... if he can't get over that, I would not marry the loser... especially if "he doesn't realise being like that"... WTF?

Its strange, I'm finding my situation so 2 sided...either its completely wrong and i emotionally cheated or like you people are saying he needs to grow up...problem being my partner thinks its huge, and i think he should grow up...

When i say he doesnt realise i genuinely think he's trying to be like we used to but he cant help but be a bit resentful and show that through his body language and/ or actions...i dunno, maybe he does notice and its his way of 'punishing' me further...

Thanks for replying.

August 28, 2009

Lilmissp,

I'm sorry that you're going through this.

Taken in context, there was nothing inappropriate in your response -- normal-brained people OUGHT TO be able to get that you were kidding with him (and that he was duly embarrassed by his drunken messages.)

Your soon-to-be-husband over-reacted and, instead of being able to take responsibility for that, he is now in mode of not only 'punishing' you but trying to control the entire relationship -- if, when and under what circumstances he will do you the favour of enlightening you about his plans for your mutual future.

Honestly, I would take matters into my own hands -- cancel everything. I'd tell people the truth -- I just found out that my Intended has severe "trust issues" that came out of nowhere and for nothing, and he also lacks compassion, understanding, forgiveness and a sense of humour.

Then I'd book counseling and tell him that, if he wants the counselor to hear his side, he is welcome to show up.

And I'd let him know that *I* will tell HIM when I am ready to marry him.

But. That's just me. That's just what I would do.

August 28, 2009

Its strange, I'm finding my situation so 2 sided...either its completely wrong and i emotionally cheated or like you people are saying he needs to grow up...problem being my partner thinks its huge, and i think he should grow up...

When i say he doesnt realise i genuinely think he's trying to be like we used to but he cant help but be a bit resentful and show that through his body language and/ or actions...i dunno, maybe he does notice and its his way of 'punishing' me further...

Thanks for replying.

To him, this is huge and he's not punishing you, he just is unsure if you are going to break his heart further. You may not see it that way, but I bet that's how he feels. I'm sorry, but after reading your posts, you seem more concerned about meeting your wedding deadline, then healing your fiance' and showing him the love and trust he deserves.

I'm not trying to slam you, but you're missing the point. Your fiance' is hurt and feels betrayed. When you feel betrayed by the one you love, you do not "just get over it". He will heal and move on, but it WILL NOT HAPPEN OVERNITE. If he was involved in what you felt as innappropriate conversation with another women, would you "just get over it". I'm sorry, but I don't believe that.

What you see as innocent banter between two people, he sees as the beginnings of his heart being broken by the one he loves. It's a difference of perception. If you investigate the Infedelity thread, you will soon lose track of the number of affairs that started with innocent joking conversations that bordered on being inappropriate. You will also see that at least one of the persons involved in these, never began this with the intent to enter into an affair or any other innappropriate behavior. I know what you're thinking, I would never do that. NEVER SAY NEVER. If you asked my FWW that before she started her A, she would admit the same thing. Her exact words to me when I caught her in her "innocent banter" was, "we're just joking around".

As far as counseling before marriage, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Let me ask you this; if you knew how this would effect him prior to it happening, would you have engaged in it? I think not, at least I hope not. I think you would agree, each of you would prefer to know more about each others feelings, wants, needs, and expectations before you make a lifetime committment to each other. Pre marriage counseling is great at this. Even though the two of you may have discussed some of these things, let me ask you this; have you ever just told someone what you think they wanted to hear, not what really you thought or felt, just to prevent the other person from being mad, hurt, or resentfull? Many couples feel much more at ease discussing their true feelings with an objective third party present. Myself included.

Again, I don't say this out of spite, but when you say he should "just get over it", to me that sounds a bit selfish. Marriage should be about committment and putting your mate first. Even when my FWW was fully involved in her A, I would have laid down my life for her.

Your relationship will heal and thrive, it will just take time so your fiance' can heal, and commitment on your part to show that you are trustworthy, honest, and committed to him and your relationship.

August 28, 2009

Lilmissp,
I'm sorry that you're going through this.
Taken in context, there was nothing inappropriate in your response -- normal-brained people OUGHT TO be able to get that you were kidding with him (and that he was duly embarrassed by his drunken messages.)

Your soon-to-be-husband over-reacted and, instead of being able to take responsibility for that, he is now in mode of not only 'punishing' you but trying to control the entire relationship -- if, when and under what circumstances he will do you the favour of enlightening you about his plans for your mutual future.

Honestly, I would take matters into my own hands -- cancel everything. I'd tell people the truth -- I just found out that my Intended has severe "trust issues" that came out of nowhere and for nothing, and he also lacks compassion, understanding, forgiveness and a sense of humour.
Then I'd book counseling and tell him that, if he wants the counselor to hear his side, he is welcome to show up.
And I'd let him know that *I* will tell HIM when I am ready to marry him.

But. That's just me. That's just what I would do.

As I said above, it's about perception. What you see as normal and appropriate, he does not. As do I. Yes he does have trust issues, as would anyone who feels betrayed by one they love. Trust can be rebuilt, with love and compassion, not by the anger you've proposed. BTW, his postponing and putting things off, and his indescion is wrong IMO. I just think there's a better way of fixing this than with anger. I guarentee you if she reacted as you propsed, he would be gone.

August 28, 2009

Seibert,

what I proposed are SELF-loving and SELF-compassionate acts. You perceived or projected 'anger' but that is not at all what I was/am thinking or feeling. Love and compassion for my Self would guide me to taking myself out of harm's way. (*I* would be gone, was my point.)

I totally agree that it would be ineffective to try to "balance" a maladaptive reaction with anger or any other low-frequency emotion. OP's fiance has been triggered and has over-reacted. It is for HIM to get to the roots of his trust issues, with help of a psychotherapist if necessary.

August 28, 2009

Seibert,
what I proposed are SELF-loving and SELF-compassionate acts. You perceived or projected 'anger' but that is not at all what I was/am thinking or feeling. Love and compassion for my Self would guide me to taking myself out of harm's way. (*I* would be gone, was my point.)

I totally agree that it would be ineffective to try to "balance" a maladaptive reaction with anger or any other low-frequency emotion. OP's fiance has been triggered and has over-reacted. It is for HIM to get to the roots of his trust issues, with help of a psychotherapist if necessary.

I entirely agree with this. He has trust issues and needs to resolve them BEFORE he gets married. It will only get worse, believe me.

August 28, 2009

Yes he does have trust issues, but IMO rightly so. Anyone who doesn't have trust issues after finding their fiance' chatting with another man about issues they find inappropriate, is setting themselves up for a fall. Gaze through the Infidelity thread, untold number of affairs that began with things that one spouse thought was not appropriate, but did nothing about it. Not saying this is the path were she was leading, but the vast majority of WS's "never intended" to start down the path of infidelity.

She doesn't think it was a big deal, he obviously disagrees with that assesment, as do I. The consequence of unintended circumstances. I have no doubt there was no intent to cause this much anguish and pain, but it's done. Now, where do we go from here.

Trust is lost, it is up to her to regain her fiance's trust, if that's what she wants. The "you're overreating get over it" isn't going to cut it in his mind. Trust me, I've been there.

It's going to take give and take and committment on both ends to get through the differences. She's going to have to convince her fiance' there was nothing to this, and I believe she's already started this process. The cancelling of her FB was a big step. He'll get it, but when he's convinced he's not going to be slammed. One thing no one has taken into consideration, he may have already been burned in a prior relationship and now he's facing simular circumstances again. Makes one a little gun shy.

But, I think one thing that many here forget is that each of us is unique and different. We all have different perspectives and perceptions. What many of you find as being no big deal, another will find inappropriate.

August 28, 2009

funnily enough, if I were in the OP's shoes, I would have been very happy to have discovered my fiancé's jealous trait BEFORE I got married... I wouldn't never marry the jealous type... what next? Can't use the PC anymore?

August 28, 2009

Trust is lost, it is up to her to regain her fiance's trust, if that's what she wants. The "you're overreating get over it" isn't going to cut it in his mind.

More importantly, though, he has to want to learn how to trust. Period. Nothing she can do will be a "good enough" albeit band-aid solution, if he does not take personal responsibility for his trust issues.

For the two of them to enjoy a happy and mutually rewarding relationship, it requires compromise, not spiteful, hurtful, controlling behaviour on his part. It is calling for love and compassion from BOTH, not just her.

Of course you are right, "Get over it," is NOT an appropriate response and would be totally unhelpful.

"Get professional help" is, however, an appropriate response and would be totally helpful. If he does not take responsibility to resolve his own issues, he will just continue to make her (or somebody else) responsible for them.

As Giotto points out, his controlling behaviours will escalate in his vain attempts to keep himself feeling 'safe and secure'. That is NOT appropriate, adult behaviour.

August 28, 2009

First off, I hope you deleted your 'friend' off of facebook. If you haven't, do so. And, make sure your fiance knows and sees that you've deleted him.

Secondly, what you did was inappropriate, but both of you need to keep it in perspective. Talk about it, and really listen to eachother.. Put yourself in his shoes, and imagine how you would feel if you had read something like that written by him. Don't keep saying I'm sorry.. Show him in actions that you ARE sorry and regret saying what you did.

I suggest pre-marriage counselling, hopefully you two can work through this.. But, if not, and he feels he can't trust you anymore, keeps getting jealous or whatever, then maybe he isn't the right one for you.

August 28, 2009

I agree with everyone who suggested pre-marriage counseling, if you are still getting married. I'm not going to say what you did is inappropriate, all you will do is argue with this, and it is up to the two people in a relationship to define what is acceptable or not in their relationship.

I think you and your boyfriend might not be a good match. He has more bounderies than you. This isn't wrong or right, it is just a differance in your personalities. You need to find a man who is confortable with you and himself engaging in sexual flirting outside of your relationship. Their are plenty of men out there who will fit you better in this aspect. Good luck.

August 28, 2009

I'm a guy but I'm probably too trusting to a fault. I trusted my first wife until her affair hit me along side the head.

However, having said that, I'm in the camp that says this is extremely over blown. I mean come on, it looked like playful banter to me. I personally wouldv'e enjoyed a laugh over it, assuming my SO shared it with me...

August 28, 2009

However, having said that, I'm in the camp that says this is extremely over blown. I mean come on, it looked like playful banter to me. I personally wouldv'e enjoyed a laugh over it, assuming my SO shared it with me...

To him it isn't over blown, to her it is. These two have differant bounderies and would be in a healthier relationship if they were with people who had more simular values to their own.

August 28, 2009

To him it isn't over blown, to her it is. These two have differant bounderies and would be in a healthier relationship if they were with people who had more simular values to their own.

Absolutely, this may be a blessing in disguise, for both...

August 28, 2009

That's the problem right here. The original poster did not share it with him, he found out on his own.

Yeah, that's the kicker, hiding becomes it's own reason to mistrust.

August 28, 2009

Wow, is everyone serious here ? I am a jealous chick who has had her share of jealous mates, but the craziest amongst them wouldn't have taken that jokey little banter to this extreme.

What I don't understand is the comment " I was just there" if he is a pal who is overseas ???

Otherwise, this sound rather silly, and perhaps is an excuse for your SO to take control, over you, over the wedding, over the R in general...

August 30, 2009

One thing no one has taken into consideration, he may have already been burned in a prior relationship and now he's facing simular circumstances again.

You're spot on Seibert,

He was in a previous relationship and his partner ended up leaving him for some one she had met and continued contact with over email. From what he has told me abotu this relationship, he resents her now and at the time found it hard to deal with.

She doesn't think it was a big deal

- Seibert, i never said i didnt think it was a big deal, of course i know i have over stepped a boundarie otherwise i wouldnt be putting in the hard yards. To me his reaction has been a shock to me, in similar circumstances i didnt even think to walk away from the relationship, so i was shocked and disapointed he'd even think of it. However, i do know that what i did was wrong. And i know within myself id be upset to, and have a sudden lack of trust, but i wouldnt think of calling things of.

August 30, 2009

Melodymatters-

What I don't understand is the comment " I was just there" if he is a pal who is overseas ???

I was recently over sea's in the country he lives in. Me and my mother went there for a cousins wedding, and he was a close family freind. We spoke for 2 mins and that was it (he was dropping of a family member to the same wedding) Prior to that i met him when i was 10 visiting them on another occasion- So we actually had to be re-introduced this recent meeting.

August 30, 2009

her soon to be husband...but, I guess no more.

Much to your disgust Liquid9898, we are still getting married, we sat down and talked on the week end and he's obviously a more understanding man that what you are.
Wow, just wow. What's wrong with you? You're giving her justifications to her inappropriate actions and self-entitlment to ease her shame/guilt. So, after she wronged him, all the sudden he now maybe isnn't the right one? WTF!

- I think you've taken this the wrong way, she's merely pointing out we may not be as well suited as we'd thought. She didnt justify my actions, at no point did she say 'What you did was ok, and because of your fiance's over reaction-you should leave him' dont be ridiculous your taking her response and 'tweaking it'.

As for an update for everyone, we sat down on the week end and spoke about it. He said he realised when he asked me to marry him it was because he trully loves me- that meant flaws, imperfections, mistakes and all. The wedding is going ahead.

I'm happy but before any one assumes that i've taken a easy slap on the wrist for my actions its not that way at all. I've realised, as some of you said, the 'boundaries' my other half has and i will stick by them from here onwards. I'm nto going to stop working at our relationship and getting it back to where it was before i threw it into havoc. He's and amazing man- understanding compassionate and loving and im never going to upset him again. I can see the woman that i need to become (remembering im only 21 and still have some maturing and growing to do within myself) and im exciting about becoming that woman for him- a woman who he can have 110% trust in again, some oen whose as patient, compassionate, loving, understanding and forgiving as him.

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58 days till the 'possible' wedding- how do i earn his trust back?!

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