gantler2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 I am wondering where to take this relationship. My girlfreind of 3 years finally admitted to cheating on me with a persistent patient she had at her job. This confession happened months after I confronted her with the evidence of her misconduct. At that time we had a heart to heart where we swore to each other we would be 100 percent open and honest moving forward in the relationship. At that time denied everything and I gave her the benefit of the doubt, despite all my instincts and evidence. This came up again after another couple of my friends broke up and I shared my experience with my friend. She basically was convinced she was lying based on my detail. So I rethought about it and spoke with my girlfriends 5 year old daughter who explained the guy lived with them for 2 weeks and they kissed often and slept upstairs at night time. I brought the subject back up and basically said I refused to believe her at that point and wanted the truth or to break up. At this point she confessed and explained the whole story to me. Despite my finding partially used astro glide in her room, she still denies having sex with him, but did explain that he was persistent, and she was resistant but, she eventually broke down, because he was more. flattering and attentive than I had been and showed immediate interest in her and her child. I at the time was living with her best friend, because she needed a place to stay and I needed someone to stay at my place short term, due to mortgage and financing related issues. My girl did not approve of this entirely, but it needed to happen or I would lose my house. She didn't understand this, and the fact that it was a temporary and necessary thing. ( I did not have any relations with the bf, nor is there any question to that effect) . However, I was taking advantage of the fact that I never planned to be a dad at this point, and since she had just moved close by to me ( based on my telling her she needed to show some independence before we took next steps in the relationship). She lived there for 3 months or so, and I only came over like once or twice. This was only because she stayed at my place friday, sat, sun and Tuesdays, so conveniently for me, I could hang out and drink and be young, on the other days while she was at home watching her daughter. It was hard for me to move into the role of man of the house for a child, and I definitely should have been more into that part of her life. I understand the reasons she became attracted to this man who was unemployed so had all the time in the world to give her all the boosting up and attention she needed. However, that does not give her the right to do what she did, which she claims, she never touched his unit, but they did make out, and he did give her oral, and he came once but basically in his pants. ( Hard to believe, considering there was partially used ( looked like 3-5 uses) lube in her room which she claims she purchased for masturbating purposes. Basically she lied about this, and I still have doubts her coming clean was 100 percent, especially after we had the trust and promise to be honest heart to heart. There was one other time we spent 14 days in costa rica having fun and being in love. On the last day, I passed out early and she was mad because I would not come to the hot tub and drink champagne with her, so she went to a local bar and had repeated kissing sessions with a tico boy. She came back that night and confessed. I forgave her, at that point against my better judgment, and actually became more committed to the relationship. Just to be clear, I still have never committed my self 100 percent to the relationship, just based on my youth and partial resistance to becoming a dad overnight. Since our heart to heart and her bf moving to cali, and my house being stabilized, I moved in with her and her daughter, and we were really making great strides in our relationship, and I have grown fond of the 5 year old. The question is, can I trust her? Should I continue the relationship? I know it is partially my fault, but her lies and cheating are not appropriate responses to my lack of action in moving the relationship forward. I took it slow, out of the interest of the child, and my heading in a direction which Was not really in my plan. I love her, and she loves me madly, and I don't doubt she has wanted nothing more than for me to just be 100 percent into her. I am lost for answers, does anyone have any insight? She may not have slept with him, but it is hard for me to believe based on her lies and her potential fear of what I would do if they did have sex, or she did give him pleasure in his pants. Please help!
xpaperxcutx Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 If you're not ready for commitment then you shouldn't do all the things a committed man would- moving in together, sharing expenses, taking care of the child, etc. You're just digging yourself a massive hole to get hurt. Your gf's cheating is unacceptable. I don't know how old she is, but she might need a little growing up, especially with a 5 yr old in the house, and randomly having sex with strangers. Imagine contracting an STD? The both of you need to do a little growing up and get counseling. Talk about your expectations of each other and try to work things out. But the chances are slim and would require a lot of time and effort on both yours and her part to build up trust again. Am I sensing you're going to bail?
Tayla Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Stop the delusions! You are NOT responsible for anyones behavior other then your own! Yes, I think its way too easy to look in restrospect and have 20/20 sight . So your asking on a forum tells me you really do question your judgment and rightly so. It should be MORE imparative now that you are gaining some fondness to the child that YOU do get HONEST and deal with the reality of the relationship. Its NOT healthy. Each time you buy into this GF"s *reasonings* for cheating, she is going to keep feeding you the lies. You are not setting a positive example to a 5 year old by hanging out even though the mother is less then adult in her behavior. I dont know you or the lady. I do know the situation and its NOT good for any persons involved. Its ultimately your life and your choices...make the best of those choices before you have no choice but to tolerate unacceptable actions.
luchalucha Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 in my case the breakup was weird, she did not look like she wanted to break up, she said that she did not wanted to talk to me for at least a month, i caught her cheating and she would not admit it. i was cool about it since i am not a jeaolus person. when we broke up she said she was going to move in with some guy. next day she changed her story now in seems that she has a fan club of guys dating her. i am trying to be strong about no contact i don't call email or text, but she is now looking for my roomate to hang out so she can tell him how great her life is, honestly i think she is playing some kind of game. a month ago we were still living together and she wrote to me the most romantic letters, i'ts been almost a month without her, how did she change her mind that soon?????? please somebody talk to me it will help me a lot
CaliGuy Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Bluntly put: No. You're not committed. She's not committed (or she wouldn't have cheated). Go find someone you can love and trust who won't cheat on you.
JL911 Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 I agree with Cali... F*CK THE BITCH....Send her packing like she did you....
Author gantler2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Author Posted September 24, 2009 After thinking about it, I realized that I'm not ready for a serious relationship. I still want to have my freedom, be able to travel and be spontaneous. I have been one foot in and one foot out of this relationship for 3 years. I have been sending mixed signals to my girlfriend the whole time. It is a shame because she really is wonderful, the kind of person who only comes around in a dream. She is my best friend. She is supportive, funny, and caring. I am closer to her than I have ever been to anyone else. That is why it is so hard for me to let go. We had recently talked about buying a house together, but luckily I realized I am not ready for that before we did. Right now I am living in her apartment until my new place becomes available Nov 1. I have decided that the best thing to do is to take a step back for a while. I don't want to stop seeing her, but I would like to live on my own and try dating a few other ladies. How do I do this without hurting her? She says she is confused and misled that I have made an "appointment" to break up. I don't see why we shouldn't make the best of our time together until it is convenient for me to move out. It is hard for her to ask me to leave sooner because she is devastated over our split. I still love her, I just know that we cannot continue. What is wrong with taking things slow? I don't want to just jump into this. I am only 30. Also, I don't know what I really want. Would it be wrong for me to expect her not to see other people after I move out? She is very beautiful and sweet so I don't doubt that other men will try to woo her when she becomes available. If she loves me, she won't be with someone else, right? She seems very regretful about what happened with the other man. I know it won't be easy for me to see other women. In a perfect scenario, we would meet up again after I get a few things out of my system and we both grow a little. Then I could be ready for a serious commitment, and hopefully she could too. I almost gave it all up (my freedom, my dreams) for this girl but then I realized that a cheater who cannot be trusted does not deserve that from me. I am still very hurt by her lies and deception, although in my last post I failed to mention that I had also been deceitful about my relationships with other women (they happened over a year ago, so I didn't find it relevant). Am I wrong? Should I leave TODAY to save her from more pain? Has anyone else made a "break up appointment"? Should I try to stick it out and see if things improve? Should I give her an ultimatum? Am I just delaying the inevitable??
NopeNah Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Break up appointment? haha! What the hell? Just move out as it will save you both a bunch of time and bullsh*t in the long run. I know if my ex had set a date, and told me, Id laugh in her face! That's f'n crazy!
Recommended Posts