Crushed and

[crushed73]

Married for 10 years with 2 kids. This person from work touched my heart like no one else did. He is married too. It didnt happen in one day. He made every effort to bring me from what I was to where I am now. And I was attracted to him like magnet. He helped me in lot of ways. I know myself much better now. He showered me with his attention. The attention that I was craving from my husband all my life. He came into my life when I started accepting the fact that my marriage is going down the drain but I have to keep it for the sake of kids.

 

I am so very emotionally attached to him. I still come home to my family but I learnt to fight for what I deserve and how I be treated. While thats the part I am working on I am torn between this emotional affair and my family life. I want to work on my marriage but I cant stay away from this person. He and I had few conversations that were not appropriate for friends(we shared very personal details). We both know we had feelings for each other but since it wont go anywhere we didnt take it any further.

 

Now the problem is he is not talking as much as he did before and I am so needy of him. My entire world seems to be functioning when he makes conversation. If he ignores, I cant do anything else that day. He is on my mind 24 hours which is now impacting my work efficiency. I want to stay away from him and I go with a great resolve that I wont be making a conversation but once I am at work I cant stop thinking about him.

 

I can feel he ignores me but when I ask he denies. He says he is just busy and I am reading too much. Why is it so important for me that he talks? Why cant I make any new friends? Why do all my priorities change around his schedule? Why do I stare at my computer all day for him to talk. I know that I am being obsessive but why I cant I stop. All these questions because this is not the person I am when he is not around. I am very fun loving and a responsible mom. Where do all my family disappear when I am with him.

 

I want to be a better person. I started thinking about what if the entire world discovers about us and may be those thoughts would put some fear in me so I stop talking...nothing works. PLease help me find my way back. I tried several times not to talk to him and he thinks my emotions are like roller coaster and the fact is I am trying to stay away. I need support and thanks for letting me vent.

 

PLease dont say counselling...My husband is not ready for that. I tried to bring it up several times but the discussion wont even get till there. I told him I feel lonely and depressed these days and he just ignored saying " Hmmmmm thats interesting...Why do you think its hapenning" He just doesnt get it. Anyway, all I want is to get this person out of my head. Thanks

[hopesndreams]

Does MM have kids too? You want to take this fantasy of yours to the next level and in the process destroy 2 families? Would you be able to live with that if it happens? Sit down with H now and fess up.

 

Tell H about your obsession with a MM. He might just "get it" then and seek MC with you.

[crushed73]

me and my husband are not friends and I never shared anything with him because i never could count on him for anything. As I mentioned I am NOT looking for a future with my friend. Yes, he has kids too. And I do not want to destroy anyone's families in this process. I just want him to be my friend. Thats it. However since that is not possible at this point, I want some kind of support/motivation to stay away from him. Bashing me up is not what I am looking for. Yes insight and wise words are very useful for me now.

[Lucky_One]

PLease dont say counselling...My husband is not ready for that. I tried to bring it up several times but the discussion wont even get till there. I told him I feel lonely and depressed these days and he just ignored saying " Hmmmmm thats interesting...Why do you think its hapenning" He just doesnt get it.

 

No. He didn't ignore. He asked you WHY do you think it's happening. And you could have told him the truth. He can't "get it" when you are lying to him.

 

It is pretty obvious why you feel lonely and depressed. Your heart and mind is taken up with a new romantic interest (call it friendship if that makes you feel better, but I prefer to call a spade a spade).

 

Tell your H that you are attracted seriously to another man at work. Ask for his help. Go to a MC. Your H might be ready for that, if he knew the truth rather than believing your lies.

 

Good luck.

[fooled once]

me and my husband are not friends and I never shared anything with him because i never could count on him for anything. As I mentioned I am NOT looking for a future with my friend. Yes, he has kids too. And I do not want to destroy anyone's families in this process. I just want him to be my friend. Thats it. However since that is not possible at this point, I want some kind of support/motivation to stay away from him. Bashing me up is not what I am looking for. Yes insight and wise words are very useful for me now.

 

How is anyone "bashing" you?

 

What kind of motivation can WE give you besides asking you if you are prepared to lose your family/kids?

 

Why are you married to this man if you aren't even friends? What are the ages of your kids? You DO know that you can still get divorced if you are so miserable in your marriage. I did.

 

Why not get INDIVIDUAL counseling for yourself to figure out why you stay in such a miserable marriage AND why you are fantasizing about a guy a work? Find out why you are turning this other guy into your world.

[crushed73]

I married because it was arranged just to figure out we dont get along well. Kids are 9 and 7. Daughter always asks me that I dont leave the family when we have big fights. She is the reason why I stayed and keeping family together. Just for kids sake. If I can get this person out of my mind , I will be good. I would never make this mistake ever again. I just cant get over him and hence I asked for support and I am extremely thankful for all of you who responded.

 

I want to spend my time raising my kids. I dont want them to ever know what is going on. Telling about this coworker only will mess things more. I dont see any thing useful. I might fess up if I am too stressed. I need to take it out of my heart one way or the other. Just waiting to see how much I can fight and get out of this situation without having anyone hurt in the process

[hopesndreams]

I just want him to be my friend.

 

I call bullcrap on this. Just a friend huh? Stop fooling yourself and be honest with yourself and to those reading your thread. Don't think for a second that those reading this are simple enough to believe the "just friends" line. Reread your first post. You want advice and support or just some hand holding and a here, here dear?

 

No one is bashing you, even though it may seem like that to you right now, it's just the possible outcomes being pointed out through our own experiences and/or reading about others in similar situations. You are not unique.

 

You say you don't want to hurt your H but you are already doing that by keeping him in the dark. You are hurting him by depriving him of your full attention and your love because you are too wrapped up in yourself and the MM. You may think he doesn't notice, and maybe he doesn't....yet. By the time he does catch on, you might be in a PA with your EA. That is when the shyt will hit the fan.

 

Your unhappiness in your M is making you desire, crave the attention from someone other than your H. It makes you feel good to desire and to be desirable, doesn't it? It's all about you. If you gave more thought to your M and kids, and MM's W and kids, you wouldn't be in this predicament.

 

If I can get this person out of my mind , I will be good.

 

It's your choice to end it and get MM out of your head.

 

Arranged marriage or not, you H deserves to know what is going on in your head and heart so that he has the option of whether he wants you around or not. The decision isn't just yours to make.

[Gamine]

It sounds to me as if you have a 'school girl crush' on this man... he picked up on the fact that you were taking it somewhere and backed off. Respect his wishes. Deal with your own emotions in a constructive way and figure out your own head. Ask yourself why you married your husband in the first place and analyze your life. If this man from work is giving you the cold shoulder... he is seeing maybe that things may be getting 'weird' for him... Take this as a gift (thank him in your prayers) because he may have just saved the both of you from more pain and confusion than you could possibly imagine.

 

If you can't handle the guy you are with... how do you think you'll manage with one more?

[lovekillsslowly]

Hi Crushed73 ~

 

Let me start off by saying my heart aches for you. I've been where you are at. Too the point that you feel obsessed with thoughts, feelings, and emotions that you wish would just go away and get out of your heart and your head. Wishing so badly that you could just go back to the person you were / are before all these morally wrong feelings entered your life and made you feel so alive again.

 

The only advice I can give you is to give it time. Lots and lots of time. It has been 9 1/2 months since I have spent time with my xMM. I am also married. We were involved with each other for 10 months and last summer at this time I was so, so happy.

 

He however couldn't handle the guilt and stress of being involved in an affair so he ended it. We still talk on the phone but it's just at a friendship level. And honestly if he asked me to give us another chance I don't know if I would. It was so painful and devastating when he ended the physical part of the affiar with me that I honestly don't think I could handle putting myself through something like that again.

 

It has just been in the last week or two that I have started to feel like I am returning back to the person I was before he and I became involved with each other. Getting back to the confident, strong, independant girl that I was before I threw all caution to the wind and let his life and his decisions rule my life and control my decisions.

 

I no longer call him.....he calls me....and some days I answer....some days I don't. And that's a great feeling.

 

My wish and hope for you is that you will eventually get to this point. It won't happen tomorrow...or even in a week or two....but eventually you will get there. Just have faith and hang onto hope.

 

And in case you're wondering I never told my husband about he and I and he never told his wife. The decision we made to get involved with each other was our decision and we both felt like there is / was no need to cause our children or our spouses pain due to our own selfish needs and wants and our lack of will-power.

 

Some on this site will say that I'm living a lie... that I'm selfish.....that my husband deserves to know the truth. And that's fine. That's their opinion. But for me, I can't hurt him or my kids like that. They think life is good. I choose to let them continue to think that...to continue to be happy with our home life.... and to suffer in silence due to my own selfish choices.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Walks with Wooters]

I have to say it was you that put this idea in your own head about something that was possibly nothing in the beginning. Being in a place in your own head where nothing seems like it suppose to be and having fantasies about what might be and could be does not come from the heart, but from the mind. This man did not touch your heart, instead you created it in your head. You put it there and now it is time for you to take it back out. Chances are the coworker knew what was happening and has put it into perspective. Start thinking about him in a negative light in relation to your life and in a little while you will start seeing and thinking straight about everything and will not need him to fill a void that you created. I do not think you need counseling from the outside, just listen to your heart, your true heart and stop listening to false voices in your mind.

[whichwayisup]

PLease dont say counselling...My husband is not ready for that. I tried to bring it up several times but the discussion wont even get till there. I told him I feel lonely and depressed these days and he just ignored saying " Hmmmmm thats interesting...Why do you think its hapenning" He just doesnt get it. Anyway, all I want is to get this person out of my head. Thanks

 

No sorry, you don't get it. Come clean with your husband and tell him the truth! I am sure that if he knew you were into some other guy, let alone a MM, he WOULD go to counselling with you.

 

Anyway, for starters, you need to do counseling on your own, reguardless of what your husband does.

 

You're having an affair and sooner or later you both will get caught...It's going to ruin innocent lives - Your husband, your kids, his wife, his kids - let alone you and this MM will lose the essence of who you are and become people that you really won't be proud of..

[crushed73]

i know I am not supposed to give out emails here but if "lovekillsslowly" can you email me at [email protected]? I have to talk and get somemore things off my head. I appreciate your response.

 

Walks with Wooters - I am going to follow what you said and I will update how things are moving for me.

[MSUE]

yikes...I'm sorry you are going trough this...its certainly not fun...however I don't think that telling your H is the way to go about it...what could come out of it? I don't think anything positive specially when you are not even friends its just adding more fuel to the fire...D is a scary thing...trust me I know...but if you are miserable period...and you have been even before Mr. Wonderful came into your life...do you think its fair to anyone in your family? do you think that the constant bickering and arguing is healthy for your kids? My parents have been married for over 50 years and truthfully I wish they had divorced a long long time ago...as to how to get this man out of your head...I have no clue how to do that...but someway somehow you have to find a way...maybe you have a close who you can confide to and schedule some activities unrelated to this man's presence...I think finding ways to distract yourself its best...and if that intense then yes maybe individual therapy would help...also what about switching jobs?...before I go I just wanted to point out you posted your email address and I'm sure you will get some responses but if you have no plans of telling your husband about this obsession I would make sure your password is safe and that you immediately delete those...best of luck

[WalkInThePark]

You want to take this fantasy of yours to the next level and in the process destroy 2 families?

 

Seen the reaction from Crushed's husbands when she expresses her feelings, I honestly don't have the feeling that there is a lot to destroy. In my opinion, it is not because 2 people live under the same roof and have children together that they are a family in the true sense of the word. My own parents were unhappily married for more than 40 years and we often hoped they would divorce.

 

Crushed, since you are starving for affection I think you are in a very vulnerable position and therefore fosusing too much on your friend at work. Since your H does not want to consider counseling, I would advice you to see a councellor individually. He can help you to figure out what your feel and what you want, and to take decisions. Don't escape in an emotional affair with your friend as it will create more confusion in your life.

[ladydesigner]

Hi Crushed73 ~

 

Let me start off by saying my heart aches for you. I've been where you are at. Too the point that you feel obsessed with thoughts, feelings, and emotions that you wish would just go away and get out of your heart and your head. Wishing so badly that you could just go back to the person you were / are before all these morally wrong feelings entered your life and made you feel so alive again.

 

The only advice I can give you is to give it time. Lots and lots of time. It has been 9 1/2 months since I have spent time with my xMM. I am also married. We were involved with each other for 10 months and last summer at this time I was so, so happy.

 

He however couldn't handle the guilt and stress of being involved in an affair so he ended it. We still talk on the phone but it's just at a friendship level. And honestly if he asked me to give us another chance I don't know if I would. It was so painful and devastating when he ended the physical part of the affiar with me that I honestly don't think I could handle putting myself through something like that again.

 

It has just been in the last week or two that I have started to feel like I am returning back to the person I was before he and I became involved with each other. Getting back to the confident, strong, independant girl that I was before I threw all caution to the wind and let his life and his decisions rule my life and control my decisions.

 

I no longer call him.....he calls me....and some days I answer....some days I don't. And that's a great feeling.

 

My wish and hope for you is that you will eventually get to this point. It won't happen tomorrow...or even in a week or two....but eventually you will get there. Just have faith and hang onto hope.

 

And in case you're wondering I never told my husband about he and I and he never told his wife. The decision we made to get involved with each other was our decision and we both felt like there is / was no need to cause our children or our spouses pain due to our own selfish needs and wants and our lack of will-power.

 

Some on this site will say that I'm living a lie... that I'm selfish.....that my husband deserves to know the truth. And that's fine. That's their opinion. But for me, I can't hurt him or my kids like that. They think life is good. I choose to let them continue to think that...to continue to be happy with our home life.... and to suffer in silence due to my own selfish choices.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

Lovekillsslowly...this is exactly where I am at as well. Your post could very well have been mine and I also still remain in email contact with xOM as hard as I have tried NC it just doesn't seem to work for me... and our friendship continues... and I am fine with that.

[Dexter Morgan]

Married for 10 years with 2 kids. This person from work touched my heart like no one else did. He is married too. It didnt happen in one day. He made every effort to bring me from what I was to where I am now. And I was attracted to him like magnet.

 

of course you are. you've been married to the same man for 10 years and you two are playing house. Some people can handle being with the same person forever, some can't.

 

The new man doesn't have any of that luggage that you have with your husband and kids. So of course its exciting to you. But you are simply one of those that can't handle long term committment.

 

 

 

Now the problem is he is not talking as much as he did before

 

of course. its not new anymore.

 

 

 

I am very fun loving and a responsible mom. Where do all my family disappear when I am with him.

 

I want to be a better person. I started thinking about what if the entire world discovers about us and may be those thoughts would put some fear in me so I stop talking...nothing works. PLease help me find my way back. I tried several times not to talk to him and he thinks my emotions are like roller coaster and the fact is I am trying to stay away. I need support and thanks for letting me vent.

 

ok, so you say you don't get the attention from your husband. have you talked to him about this? its very easy for parents to get caught up in being parents and lose fact that they are also spouses to each other.

 

that doesn't mean you try to justify being with another man. It means you work on it. If your husband doesn't think you need to, then you need to stress to him how critical things are and that you are thinking about leaving him(if you indeed think that) if changes aren't made.

 

But you don't go out and shag another man. then you'd be cheating on your children too...whether you or anyone thinks you are are not.

 

 

I told him I feel lonely and depressed these days and he just ignored saying " Hmmmmm thats interesting...Why do you think its hapenning" He just doesnt get it.

 

well what is your answer to his question? and what is his answer to your answer?

[crushed73]

I read all the posts, each and every line of the. First thank you so very much for all those who are supporting me here. I know I can do this.

 

My day is good so far. Kept minimum contact. No contact only makes it worse as I think all the time. I am summarizing my response as I am at work and cant spend time at this minute to respond by name. Apologize for that.

 

First, I didnt shag anyone or even ever had that intention. Call me whatever you want but I dont have guts to start a physical affair. The fact is still there that I am cheating my husband as I am emotionally thinking about someone else and would anyone be happy to know this .....NO

 

At this point I am getting what I need...everyone's valuable advice. I am not considering any counselling yet. as someone said, I should thank him in my prayers for not taking this to next level. I would respect that and make every effort to stay away from him. I know I am strong today and I pray I stay the same way everyday.

 

No I am not telling my husband. I agree with those who said here that it will only add to the fire as we dont have that kind of rapport between us. Its also true that it will just complicate everything and there is nothing really useful for anyone to know this information. Me and my H dont fight cause we wont talk/discuss much. When we fight, its huge as I cant meet his stupid expectations. He just pushes me too much and as I said before he just doesnt get it. I'll work on it later

 

Dexter, I dont have any commitment problem. If I had my affairs would have started long back. as some said here, I am trying to fill the void in my life with a perfect image of my friend which he is not. and thats true. I need to sit down and start listening to myself cause I shut my innervoice.

 

Let me see if I get any response to my email. I just might talk to someone who I can confide somethings. I stay anonymous and so do they so I will feel free to express whats on my messed up head.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter, I dont have any commitment problem.

 

if you say so:rolleyes:

 

 

 

If I had my affairs would have started long back.

 

thats like saying a murderer is not a murderer if it only happens once.

[ladydesigner]

Crushed73 just be thankful this did not turn into a PA. Because once you have the emotional connection and the physical it becomes 10X harder and the pain when the A ends is gut wrenching. Please move on from this and stop the EA it will only hurt you in the end. Don't worry if the OM is no longer talking to you... be thankful he isn't. This will make it easier for you to move on. Be strong and love yourself and forget about him.

[crushed73]

Fine Dexter....I have commitment problem. If thats what you want to hear. If I do, I would have gotten out of this relation long back. Anyway, thats not the point I am worried about. As I said, I am going to be here for a while taking everyone's advice to keep me moving in the right direction. Once I fix this OM issue, I will spend time and energy in my marriage.

 

I had a wonderful day.....I wish I could say that. The OM went NC all day. I handled well till evening but was so upset after that....I am fine once I am home...Those few minutes are killing....million thoughts on why he is not talking. Its so obvious he doesnt want to....But its me I cant accept it and move on....

 

My journey started yesterday with me confessing my EA with all of you. I am going to take one day at a time to stay strong and and get out of this EA soon. My goal for tomorrow...scheduled a volunteer activity for noon so I wont be thinking about him all day....Get new songs on ipod so I can listen to what I like....keeps me occupied for a while. I am going to plan on incentives for myself as I finally go NC with OM....one day. Just praying he be NC because if he talks, I have to run around the town to find my

self control reserves.

[ladydesigner]

I am going to plan on incentives for myself as I finally go NC with OM....one day. Just praying he be NC because if he talks, I have to run around the town to find my

self control reserves.

 

This is me too. Keep strong on NC as will I. It is so hard, I know I just broke contact yesterday and feel like a fool.

[fooled once]

Can you have an emotional affair only 1 sided?

 

This guy has figured out you have eyes for him and has backed off because he must respect his wife and respects the fact that you are married or he just doesn't find you attractice.

 

You seem to want us to fix your problem; the only one who can fix the problem is you.

 

And please answer the question that has been raised ---

 

I told him I feel lonely and depressed these days and he just ignored saying " Hmmmmm thats interesting...Why do you think its hapenning

 

How do you answer him?

[LucreziaBorgia]

OM has likely picked up on the fact that your entire life revolves around him, even to the point where your family ceases to exist. I suspect that scares the hell out of him and I can't say I blame him for backing away. I'm not trying to be mean, but you are handing him one heck of an obligation by making him the center of your life. He clearly does not see you the same way, and that unevenness is what is causing him to inch away. He may even be scared what damage you may do to him and his status quo.

 

You are mapping onto OM everything you want in a man, and everything you wish your H was. That is one of the most unfair things you can do to a person.

 

As for your husband, your marriage is broken. You have the key to fixing it - which is to tell your husband that because he dropped the ball you felt the need to have an affair. Since you won't tell him this, he will go about his way simply thinking that you are just one of those housewives that are depressed for no good reason and not even give a second thought that he may be party responsible for it.

[ladydesigner]

You are mapping onto OM everything you want in a man, and everything you wish your H was. That is one of the most unfair things you can do to a person.

 

These are very wise words. I wish I would have seen these words before my PA progressed. I was very detached in the beginning of my EA knowing full well that nothing could come out of it, but my xOM kept feeding me bulls**t about how his feelings were getting deeper, that he wanted to be with me over his SO, that he loved me, missed me, would help take care of my kids, blah blah blah. He reeled me right in...at that point I did map everything onto the OM... well it was at that point that he pulled away. I swear these men are a bunch of a**holes:mad: Any person that can do that is a sociopath as far as I'm concerned.

[crushed73]

My answer to the question was plain silence and he didnt expect any answer from me. This is not new to me. He makes zero effort in this marriage. And I am not a bored housewife. I work full time and I manage EVERYTHING for my kids with almost no help there. My husband is NOT the reason I have EA. It just so hapenned...wrong time, wrong place and wrong words...flared the attraction. May be I was needy...as someone said, may be I was filling void with this person....Its entirely my fault. I made wrong choices.

 

LucreziaBorgia, you are right that OM is aware that I am head over heels with him. Every single letter of your post makes sense to me. Very insightful..Thank You

 

I dont know what made him back off. May be he was scared Woo Hoo I didnt know I could scare anyone....atleast I need a smile here

But that may be true...I may not be the maxim model here but I am attractive...his feelings said last week were gone by this week? Cant be true though....He knows how much effort he put before I gave him the place he is in now....Whatever may be the reason I am happy it is all done now and I can work on moving out of this crap very soon.

 

ladydesigner, you can email me...I know we are in the same boat...may be we can just talk and support each other. We will definitely cross this for sure.

 

I will end with a small funny incident that happened today. I went to say hello to an old(older than me) friend and I asked if he wanted to walk down for lunch with me and he ended up buying me lunch...Trust me I ran from him as fast as I could...no more guy friends learnt my lesson harsh way