Ninth Day of firm NC

[JimmyB26]

I'm recently divorced, and I'm also a graduate student, and while I was separated, I started seeing one of my former students from last fall. She was 21, I was turning 29 at the time. She fell in love with me, but I was dealing with the dead weight of a cheating wife handcuffed to my ankle.

 

Two days before the judge unlocked the handcuff (the divorce came through), the new girlfriend ditched me--this was late April. She had been on spring break in March and had realized that if she stayed with me, we'd be engaged in a couple years and she wanted to see what else was out there. Totally realistic for her age.

 

Anyway, within a week of the breakup in April, I was in full-on No Contact. If she got in touch, I would respond about 24 - 36 hours later and she would try to immediately get in touch again. She begged and pleaded, and I finally called after a couple weeks, but she said that the "avoiding her" had pushed her away even more and helped her get over me. She was already interested in a long distance connection who is now her new boyfriend.

 

I somehow wound up in the awkward zone between ex and friend, and she moved on with this guy. But in between his trips to her or her trips to him, there have been spaces of weeks where she's texting me constantly. Just before both of us left to see other people for the Fourth of July, she texted me at 11:30 PM to come by and hug me before she left, which I let her do. She sent me a bikini shot, kissy-face while she was with him, and later denied it having any intended underhanded meaning when I called her out on it.

 

She got back into town after July 4th and the texts persisted, asking me how my trip was. By the end of the week she was saying she needed to see me soon, felt deprived, so we went out the following Sunday and walked through the city to get some lunch (for 5 hours). The time together complicated things for her as her next trip approached and she pushed me away and avoided me again, finally admitting how much it complicated things, but still showed up outside my doorstep the night before she left--unfortunately I wasn't home and she called me the next day to tell me she'd been there while I was on public transit and didn't have cell reception.

 

I swore I would not let her pull me back in, and she knew I was seeing someone over the weekend, a new prospect, so when she breezed back and texted me immediately on Monday, I just didn't make her a priority, focused on my life. By Thursday she was in a panic that I was avoiding her, and it pissed me off because I was just trying to keep myself busy. We got together that Saturday and I told her that I was moving on with my life and this is what it looked like. I wasn't going to be an emotional surrogate for her LDR.

 

Then I hit her with this - I'm almost 30, I've been married, and I knew that if I got involved intimately with another woman she would not appreciate me having an intimate friendship with a 21/22 year old ex girlfriend who I was sleeping with while still married. It would just be unnecessary. She said that those other women would just be jealous and indicative of a lack of trust in my relationship with them. She wanted to be my "support system" and to just see what happened down the line as far as getting back together, that she would never cheat on a boyfriend, etc. But she wouldn't beg me to be her friend (she essentially DID beg me to be her friend).

 

We parted okay, and a week and a half later was her birthday. At about 1 AM on the morning of her birthday I start getting drunk texts, this was after mentioning earlier in the day that I had four dates that week. She told me she missed me, was so happy I was in her life, etc.

 

We went out just two days ago, this Tuesday, for her birthday, and I hit it out of the park. But before the night ended, I reminded her once again that I already felt in dating these other women that as an adult and mature man, they just would not appreciate me hanging out with an ex if I got committed. I wanted to hit her with the double whammy of "this is the kind of magical, great time that these other women will have with me" and the message that "eventually you're going to lose me...and for good". She said her whole reply all over again, and again, after that, said she wouldn't beg me to be her friend (which is what she essentially did, again).

 

I dropped her off, and she texted me about twenty minutes later, thanking me for everything, telling me how amazing I am, how special I am to her, how much I mean to her, how happy she is that I'm in her life. More of the "please don't leave me", I'm thinking...

 

So we had one more event, the gift that I gave her while we were together for her birthday. She took me to the concert using the tickets I gave her for her birthday, and we had a great time again. I was ON that night - just teasing her, getting calls/texts from other women, another five dates that week that she knew about. I was a wanted man, and she knew it.

 

Then I just disappeared. She thanked me again the next morning, telling me what an incredible time she had, so she was Jonesing on it all night. I replied to her text, and she thanked me again, and that was 9 days ago. Last Tuesday. Her boyfriend came back into town this weekend, so as expected, I got a text from her within a couple hours of his arrival, which I didn't respond to, and within hours of his departure she'd posted on my facebook, congratulating me about my status, which made reference to the motorcycle learners' permit I had obtained over the weekend.

 

So I haven't replied to anything. I'm wondering, since I've tried the No Contact thing before, do my previous failures mean it's going to take longer for her to take me seriously and she won't start really panicking for a while? Or is this just another cycle where she's going to need to get her fix soon? Any hints as to when the next attempts to get me to respond will be, given her track record of freaking out?

 

The other question I have - She's told me that she "would never cheat on a boyfriend" as if she's tempted to with me. If I really have reattracted her but she doesn't want to risk her new relationship, will she push me away to protect her new relationship when she's feeling that it's becoming a little too real for her and complicating things with her boyfriend?

[JimmyB26]

FINALLY this morning I got a text:

 

"How come I haven't heard from you?"

 

Interestingly enough, the exwife, with whom I've slipped into a comfortable friendship, seems to think that if I were to maintain NC, for the first month or so this girl would try anything and everything, but then would think something like, "Fine, I've got all these other guys who are into me. I don't need him anyway."

 

Does that feeling pass for the dumpers on here? Do the dumpers slip from that resilience of "Fine, then" back into "Please, please, I can't take it anymore".

[Girlygirl1977]

I haven't responded to your posts because you seem to be seeking validation for game playing behavior. This will not get you far as far as forming any real adult relationship unfortunately. A 21 year old is also unlikely to be ready for a real adult relationship. Your posts are difficult to read b/c they are all about playing games and I am guessing this is why they lack responses from others too.

 

You lack emotional honesty in all of this - I see none of this leading to anything good - all around. You seem to be looking for an ego stroke from a young, hot gal I'm guessing because of your dissolved relationship/marriage. Perhaps you should seek a therapist and deal with your issues vs. playing these games?

 

I just find your threads troubling and hope they are jokes but then you post more so I guess it is real.

[JimmyB26]

Again,

 

Thanks for the pep talk, coach.

 

Now just answer the question I posed.

 

Everyone plays games. No one is perfect. You're no different. Would I love to get her back? Yes. Do I want her to miss me? Yes. Have I been able to successfully pull off NC? No.

 

So some motivation to get myself started with NC from people who have done it would really be appreciated. I'm still in the first ten days and I'm finding it pretty difficult. Get off the high horse and offer me some support, because yeah, I've been going about things the wrong way, but like everyone else on here who's been dumped, I would LOVE to know that NC doesn't have a completely destructive effect on any hope for reconciliation.

 

So yeah, before I left, I planted some seeds of doubt in her mind. Made sure she really got a taste of what she was taking advantage of so she could only have those memories to fall back on as time goes by. Why would I want her to think of the separated wreck she left months ago when she's thinking about me? She knows I've got options, that I'm seeing women, that I'm busy, that I'm in the best physical shape of my life, and she's finding herself jealous. Tough for her. Let her mind drive her crazy.

 

All I really want to know is, as I get more confident in the NC and want her less, will a female dumper go from the begging to the "Fine, then" then back to the desperation? I may not care in six months, but yeah, I care now because right now I happen to still want her. I'm sure I'll look back on this post and cringe, but for anyone who's been in my shoes, I'm sure you know it would help to get through the worst of it.

 

Or you can look down from your high horse. Whichever suits you.

[NopeNah]

From my "experience" with NC... IF they want you back, they'll stop at nothing to get you back! Or..they'll try their best to show you that they made a mistake,from there it's your choice. I went NC for close to 30 days(5mo breakup) before she got the point I was making. That point was that I no longer needed her to be ok. I was ok before her and I'll be damned if I wasn't ok without. I didn't play games! I just moved on with MY life and started living it for me. There's way to many great people out there to stay hungup on one that doesn't want you as a part of their life anymore. We've now been back together for a few weeks and things do seem better with her. There's still the lack of trust from my side for the way things were handled at the end but, I also played a role in that..anyways, if they want you, you'll know it. NC isn't to win them back, it's to help you heal and move on.

 

I'd also suggest NOT being there for her while she's with another guy. Thats just mental suicide!

[JimmyB26]

Thank you.

 

The reason that I've faltered before with NC is she played on my emotions about her absentee father, who she reached out to again and again, but got no response from. So I was weary of the NC as not working with her.

 

Now I know, chuckle chuckle, the daddy issues are replaying themselves here. That I'm older and representative of an older man in her past.

 

The last two times she would get all emotional and tell me that her father did this to her and shut the door in her face over and over when she tried to reach out, and it would get the better of me. Friends have told me that she's seen in me someone with a good heart, who she can manipulate into eventually getting a ring. And so she's pulled on these heart strings to get sympathy and keep me under her spell. Pathetic on her part and on mine for falling for it.

[JimmyB26]

I got a call from her and a long, rambling voicemail last night while I was out on a date.

 

She essentially said she's convinced that my cellphone must be broken and I'm not getting her messages. She hoped everything was good with me, and begged me to acknowledge her call and call her back.

 

The message lasted over a minute and definitely sounded like she was nervous and panicked over my absence.

 

I haven't responded at all. It's amazing how the power shifts as soon as you stop caring. I guess it's true - the person who cares least controls the relationship.

[JimmyB26]

Yesterday, while I was on a date, I got a text from her again, saying:

 

"You better have a good reason why you haven't gotten back to me :-)"

 

Today marks two weeks and I'm doing a whole lot better. I haven't responded at all.