Steve79 Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Here is my story: I hooked up with my wife in college and have been married for seven years now. Our biggest issue was finances since I paid the majority of all the bills while she spent most of her money on clothes and materialistic stuff. She is originally from overseas and was very lonely here so we made the decision to move overseas so she could be closer to her family and friends and work on our relationship. She ended up going overseas first and staying with her family while I finalized everything for the move. After selling and giving away everything and renting out our house she tells me she met someone new. This totally blindsided me but I love her completely and said we can work through this. She said she needed time but in the end she said that she didn't want to stop seeing the other man. So her family found out and basically disowned her and she ended up moving in with him. She tells me she is sorry for hurting me and doesn't want to take any of my savings or force me to sell the house. She just wants a clean and simple break. So I go get co-petitioner divorce forms and tell her I'll mail them to her to sign and mail back but she says I am rushing things and she is confused and unsure what she is doing. She prefers we do this face to face which would require me to fly overseas. At this point I have nothing keeping me here in the U.S. I have no job, no car, nothing. All my family and friends tell me I shouldn't go but I feel I need to. I have gotten to the point where I do not see any chance of getting back together. One thing I am scared of is that over time the other man could leave her, she could lose her new job due to the stress caused by this situation, her family disowned her, so she could end up with nothing. Although I love her, she has hurt me more than I've ever been hurt. I don't want to see her fall to that level but I am also concerned she might try to take everything away from me if it happens before the divorce. Since she feels I am rushing the divorce is there any document that can be written up and signed stating that she does not want any of my assets if we divorce so it covers me later if she does get desperate? I am still considering moving overseas even if we end up divorced. I have always wanted to try living overseas and consider it a new adventure. It would also allow me to have a fresh start. On the other hand, it can be seen as running away. Every time I see my friends they ask me when I am moving and I am too ashamed to tell them the situation. Only my close friends know what has happened. Any advice would be appreciated. Is it weird to want to move and start over after divorce? Would it be easier to stay near friends and family and try to start over after I have literally given up everything? If anyone knows of some pre-divorce document or post-nuptial agreement exists that could cover me please let me know. Thanks, Steve
Ronni_W Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Hi Steve. You do need to educate yourself about the divorce laws in your jurisdiction, and where/how to file since your soon-to-be-ex is overseas. Paying a lawyer for 30 or 60 minutes of professional legal advice now may be money well spent, in the long run. Your local bookstore may also have a current 'divorce kit' for your area -- in Ontario, such a thing contains all sorts of good info, forms, etc. Or see if there is some type of help through community services, service clubs, paralegal firm, law student, whatever. A (proper, legal) separation agreement covers marital assets. There was also a separate document that I signed, at my request, that I would not attach a claim to my then-husband's pension and future earnings. We used a lawyer, though. If you feel that you need to go and see her to sort this out, or find some answers, or get some "closure", then I'd strongly encourage you to do that -- your friends and loved ones may be well-meaning, but they have no idea what is best for you to do so that you can be at peace with yourself. Divorce sucks. I'm sorry you're going through it. Sending hugs.
edpowers Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Wow.... just wow.. your situation sound almost similar to mine..... except in our case. we have a 4 yrs daughter today...... once i get back to my country.. MANY people has warned me about staying apart from the bitch too long.. I was too careless.. but now.. I feel much better knowing that I will deserve much better than my soon-to-be-EX... most of the times I wish she burn in Hell but everyone around me ALWAYS tell me to stay positive and enjoy living my life.. that's the best revenge.. after all she will be stuck with the kid and most likely will have an unhappy life afterward.. anyhow.. enough of my rant.. .. hope all the best for ya.. take care
overseas2004 Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 My husband is leaving, we have a two year old daughter and he is going back to Europe where he is from. For most of the time, I did EVRYTHING, while he sat at home studying english for three years. He had no job, no friends, nothing. And now after 16 months of hell which he created for me, he is leaving. You have to get your life back on track. Find a new job and move on with your life. I am lucky because my child will force me to be ok for her. But on the other hand I am unlucky because my child faces the prospect of not having a dad. I am sorry for your situation. If you feel you need to talk jsut add me as a contact.
TrustInYourself Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Holding on enables them. Let go and they will question everything.
Author Steve79 Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 I think if I even decide to go I would definitely look into having a document written by a lawyer to cover my assets if she later tries to take anything. I prefer to just get the divorce over with though. I am just frustrated because I put 12 years of my life into this relationship. She was my first love and have no clue how to be single again. I feel somewhat responsible because I married her when we were young and she didn't ever grow up. Most recently she has been giving me the impression that she might want to get back together. I told her I wasn't coming anymore and she got all upset and said I have to come. I have no interest in getting back together with her after the things she told me. She said a lot of messed up and hurtful things to me and I think the only reason she would want to get back together is out of convenience since life has become too difficult being with the other guy. I was planning on heading there in a couple weeks, which happens to be our 7 year anniversary but instead I am going to put it off and take a trip to Vancouver B.C. with some friends. Her new behavior is scaring me. If she ends up wanting to stay married how am I supposed to get divorced? I don't want her to fight me on it.
TrustInYourself Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 Do your thing. You do not have to press for a divorce or separation. You did not want this. You are just dealing with it the best way you can. If she wants to be with you, she's going to have to take actions and put the money where her mouth is. She's probably just as afraid as you are. You have to decide whether or not you are ready and willing to forgive her. My wife left me and after I started to live life for myself, she started to come around. I made the decision to give it another chance.
Ronni_W Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 Her new behavior is scaring me. If she ends up wanting to stay married how am I supposed to get divorced? I don't want her to fight me on it. It sounds as if you want a divorce. Again, it depends on your location, but I think it's safe to say that in most progressive regions, you cannot be forced to stay married against your will and desire. Your lawyer will be able to help you establish a separation date, and take it from there. Even if she does try to manipulate you into maintaining the status quo, you are not obligated to follow suit. But if you're experiencing any doubts, why not leave things open until you do get to seeing her? You can't, though, control whether or not she will try to fight you on anything. Just hope for the best, about that.
edpowers Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 I'm pretty sure I can do this but haven't really 'formally' look for info. Can I deal with the divorce lawyer from my country and we were married in the US? I mean.. I really don't have time to get back to the US to do the divorce with all the drama involve. I even thought about prolonging the divorce process (just to F her up) but then I thought better.. since she's the one who destroyed our family and after all, I'll be in a REALLY good situation (financially, career and new family) so I should show her pity and just let her go (with our daughter) I kinda feel bad for my soon-to-be-ex-wife that she lost her youth (although she still look good but noticably older) and her best years.. AND she drag our daughter with her to the unknown future (my daughter would have have a 'fabulous' life living in my country).. anyhow my question is.. can I just get a lawyer working for me in my country (Asia) and work it out with her lawyer (in the US) and then get it done? IN cast ****-hit-the-fan.. then I really don't want to screw around with her (I have much more money than her.. so basically I can ran her filthy ass dry) but I want to let her go for the good of my daughter. so I really don't want to screw her up.. although the thought of it.. really and i mean REALLY would really brighten my day.. pls advice!
Gunny376 Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 I'm pretty sure I can do this but haven't really 'formally' look for info. Can I deal with the divorce lawyer from my country and we were married in the US? I mean.. I really don't have time to get back to the US to do the divorce with all the drama involve. I even thought about prolonging the divorce process (just to F her up) but then I thought better.. since she's the one who destroyed our family and after all, I'll be in a REALLY good situation (financially, career and new family) so I should show her pity and just let her go (with our daughter) I kinda feel bad for my soon-to-be-ex-wife that she lost her youth (although she still look good but noticably older) and her best years.. AND she drag our daughter with her to the unknown future (my daughter would have have a 'fabulous' life living in my country).. anyhow my question is.. can I just get a lawyer working for me in my country (Asia) and work it out with her lawyer (in the US) and then get it done? IN cast ****-hit-the-fan.. then I really don't want to screw around with her (I have much more money than her.. so basically I can ran her filthy ass dry) but I want to let her go for the good of my daughter. so I really don't want to screw her up.. although the thought of it.. really and i mean REALLY would really brighten my day.. pls advice! If you've got any sense? You'll stay in the USA!
edpowers Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 If you've got any sense? You'll stay in the USA! sadly I have to disagree with you I know that you are an expert on this forum but our situation is way different that just typical USA vs Asia. Both of us met each other in Grad school. She knew from the beginning that we would be moving back to Asia once we got our Ph.D. Both of us agree that raising our daughter in Asia is better than raising her in the US. We'll be able to have our daughter surrounded by relatives, friends and family members (big thing for Asian culture), while if we stay in the US we have nobody and i mean nobody that we can consider a 'warm' friend. US culture is much more 'individualistic' than Asian's culture (at least from our viewpoints) and we really wanted our daughter to grow up with the 'values' that both of us grew up on. Call me naive, but both my wife and myself agreed that the chance of our daughter might be getting involve with drug (smoking or drinking), lose her virginity in junior/high school, becoming 'cold' instead of 'warm' personality, drop out of school, etc all the other typical bad american stereotypes (from the somewhat conservative Asian who live in the US for a long time note: it's a big thing for affluence Asian to go to the US to get education and then go back to their countries to become 'somebody') Also, our line of work DO NOT require us to be in Asia forever.. we had planned to stay over in Asia for awhile to build up our career (I am teaching at the second rank U in my country and I got some connections for my wife to teach at either my U or the one even better than mine). Since I have the American citizenship and now she will too.. we do not have to stick in one place at all, we can have international lifestyles.. but guess what? after she was left alone by herself (and she abandoned our daughter with her parent in Asia) and she get accustom with the single lifestyle AND maybe another male involve during my (our) absence.... she went behind my back to applied for a job (and got it) and now.. she is trying to get the divorce asap withot a second chance...... we met in her country about a month ago and she said.. she agreed that raising our child in the US is NOT the best scenerio for our daughter... but she will NOT allow me to take care of our daughter. I really think that she just wanted to have our daughter just so she dont' have to be lonely or feeling bad about abadoning her, although she knows full well that all those bad things that I mentioned above (sex, drug and rock and roll) can really happened to her. Also, she want to remarry very soon (her words) since she's losing her youth... and guess what... she doesn't even care that our daughter might possibly be affected by her actions... well.. just to put it short...... no USA is not the best place for my daughter to grow up.. usually affluence asian build strong values in their kid and then send them to get higher ed in the US.. and not the other way around..... again.. I have come to realized that 'It is what it is...." and I can't do anything.. just hope that somehow she'll realized that what's she's doing is really hurting our daughter.. and if fate is not to cruel to her (my daughter) I'll get to take care of her again soon, before it's too late.. Note: just imagine that I can offer my daughter (and my soon-to-be-ex a really good life here... say.. most likely I can offer my daughter afull scholarship throughout US college since I'm already in the 'circle' (how thing work in Asia) ... and she can go to private school with drivers and now she's stuck in a ****ty small town (that my wife really don't want to go.. but her job make her go there) and she'll have to grow up with a single mom (soon to remarry i'm sure off) and going through public school (not bad.. i went there.. but i had such high hope for m daughter)... etc.... .. oh well.. it's my daughter's karma i guess...
Author Steve79 Posted August 28, 2009 Author Posted August 28, 2009 Edpowers, Which Asian country are you referring to? I am pretty sure you can get a US divorce from overseas. You just need to find a divorce lawyer that is familiar with US law. I am sure you can find out the information in the expat community since a lot of overseas postings lead to divorce. So your wife and you are from the same Asian country but she left to go back to the US?
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