happylife Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 [quote=fooled once;2352803 What does he have to do to you to make you leave? Have sex in FRONT of you? . Do you know what? i think that even if he did she would still stay. He is clearly 'getting off' on the fact that she loves him so much that he can practically have sex with someone else infront of her and get away with it. What a complete a'hole he must be, it's unbelievable that anyone would put up with it. Excuse my language, i'm just in shock!!!
TaraMaiden Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 Are you missing something? Why are you angry at this woman, be angry with him!! Why question your anger, for goodness sake who wouldn't be angry in your situation?! I'm pleased your angry, at least that shows he hasn't totally destroyed every emotion in you and that after all this you are still aware that this situation is nothing but sick and twisted. Get angry and tell him to get out of your life!!! For what i'ts worth, i'm angry after reading this too, so god knows how you feel! I don't think she knows how to be angry at him, and even if she feels anger, he has so browbeaten and subdued her into accepting everything that has gone on, she isn't sure which way is up any more.... Coupled with the lessons from the church that divorce is wrong, and this poor woman has no idea what to do at all. What she really needs is a physically close and helpful friend who can convince her - just like we're all trying to - that to exist for one more day, like this, is sheer insanity, and that he needs to be absolutely kicked to the kerb, in the hardest way to hit him, possible. On her own? She doesn't stand a bat's chance, because any verve, vigour, dynamism and motivation she ever had before, has been so subdued it doesn't exist as any recognisable quality, in any useful measure.... Good lord, what wouldn't I do to be her neighbour and know about this.....
Author AngryinColorado Posted August 28, 2009 Author Posted August 28, 2009 I'm sitting here looking at the responses I got and I realize that this is exactly why I never went to my friends or family. When I was pregnant I didn't/couldn't leave, I was on bed rest and couldn't work. Then when the baby was born I thought I needed to try again. There is nothing mean or hateful any of you could say about me that I haven't already said to myself. I'm angry that I waited all these years before committing and settling down only to realize I made the wrong choice. I never brought even a SINGLE man around my daughters because I didnt want to parade a bunch of men around. Then when I thought that I needed to dig in and stick it out--I turned myself into something I never was before. I appreciate all the comments, especially Taramaiden. Until I read your post I didn't realize what the hell was wrong with me. Somehow, I lost my way. I tried to be what I thought a wife was supposed to be and got lost. Just damn lost!!!! I am angry, but I'm angry at myself. I'm so mad and so embarassed. I'm going to tell him when he gets home tonite that he has to leave. I don't know how or what words to use. But if perfect strangers think this horribly of me then I gues what my friends and family think couldn't be any worse.
happylife Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 You are absolutely right, this lady really does need a friend or family member to support her. I just hope she sees reason as it's tragic. It's so sad what some poor people have to go through in their lives. I hope that posting here will help her, i really do. I've been thinking about it all day.
hoping2heal Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 I'm sitting here looking at the responses I got and I realize that this is exactly why I never went to my friends or family. When I was pregnant I didn't/couldn't leave, I was on bed rest and couldn't work. Then when the baby was born I thought I needed to try again. There is nothing mean or hateful any of you could say about me that I haven't already said to myself. I'm angry that I waited all these years before committing and settling down only to realize I made the wrong choice. I never brought even a SINGLE man around my daughters because I didnt want to parade a bunch of men around. Then when I thought that I needed to dig in and stick it out--I turned myself into something I never was before. I appreciate all the comments, especially Taramaiden. Until I read your post I didn't realize what the hell was wrong with me. Somehow, I lost my way. I tried to be what I thought a wife was supposed to be and got lost. Just damn lost!!!! I am angry, but I'm angry at myself. I'm so mad and so embarassed. I'm going to tell him when he gets home tonite that he has to leave. I don't know how or what words to use. But if perfect strangers think this horribly of me then I gues what my friends and family think couldn't be any worse. No one thinks horribly of you, why do you think that? You think horribly of yourself. You're confused and angry at yourself because you don't understand right now how you could let someone treat you and disrespect you for so long. It looks like sheer stupidity to the outside world, and even to yourself; but I know these situations aren't always as black and white as they may seem. Abusers and womanizers thrive for one reason and one reason only; because there exists an audience for them. It's not always so true that the women are simply stupid. Certain experiences in life will condition a person to stay in a disrespectful, dysfunctional situation. It's important you get yourself some guidance so you can understand how this happened to you. It will not only help you to have some compassion for yourself eventually, but it will help you heal and help you avoid falling into this pattern in the future should you decide you're ready to date again. Because you have been disrespected so disgustedly by this man, I guarantee your tolerance quotient has shot up through the roof; and you don't want that. You need to learn about healthy boundaries all over again, it will keep you safe and it will help you gain back the respect for yourself piece by piece that was chipped away at and taken from you by this man.
happylife Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 I'm sitting here looking at the responses I got and I realize that this is exactly why I never went to my friends or family. When I was pregnant I didn't/couldn't leave, I was on bed rest and couldn't work. Then when the baby was born I thought I needed to try again. There is nothing mean or hateful any of you could say about me that I haven't already said to myself. I'm angry that I waited all these years before committing and settling down only to realize I made the wrong choice. I never brought even a SINGLE man around my daughters because I didnt want to parade a bunch of men around. Then when I thought that I needed to dig in and stick it out--I turned myself into something I never was before. I appreciate all the comments, especially Taramaiden. Until I read your post I didn't realize what the hell was wrong with me. Somehow, I lost my way. I tried to be what I thought a wife was supposed to be and got lost. Just damn lost!!!! I am angry, but I'm angry at myself. I'm so mad and so embarassed. I'm going to tell him when he gets home tonite that he has to leave. I don't know how or what words to use. But if perfect strangers think this horribly of me then I gues what my friends and family think couldn't be any worse. I have just read your response and i really hope that you do not see it as us being hurtful towards you as i think we all feel the same in that we really feel for you and want the best for you. I honestly wish i was able to help and be a supportive friend in the flesh. I think you sound like a wonderful woman who has got herself in a very tragic situation through no fault of her own. Your situation has made it hard for you to leave in the past and i wonder if any one else would have done anything different considering your situation (new baby and illness etc) so don't beat yourself up about it. However, as i think you now know things have gone way too far and you need to get out. I feel you could come out of this and live a happy life and as you clearly have alot of love to give. Best of luck.
NoIDidn't Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 I have just read your response and i really hope that you do not see it as us being hurtful towards you as i think we all feel the same in that we really feel for you and want the best for you. I honestly wish i was able to help and be a supportive friend in the flesh. I think you sound like a wonderful woman who has got herself in a very tragic situation through no fault of her own. Your situation has made it hard for you to leave in the past and i wonder if any one else would have done anything different considering your situation (new baby and illness etc) so don't beat yourself up about it. However, as i think you now know things have gone way too far and you need to get out. I feel you could come out of this and live a happy life and as you clearly have alot of love to give. Best of luck. I agree. None of us feel that she is a horrible person. We just want her to see that she is better than what he is throwing her. We certainly didn't intend for it to come across as condemnation. I think the internet is a horrible medium for expressing concern for a person but disdain for their situation.
happylife Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 Agreed, it is hard to express via the internet. I think most of us have just been in total shock and maybe it has come across wrong. It is no criticism of this lady and was only meant as support as you know. I honestly hope and pray that he doesn't manage to 'talk her 'round' as it's clear he'll never change. I think her family will be extremly supportive, but she must tell people the truth and not protect him by not telling the whole story. There is nothing to be embarrassed about, it is clear that she is innocent.
fooled once Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 Good luck tonite! Know you have all our support and strength behind you.
Author AngryinColorado Posted August 30, 2009 Author Posted August 30, 2009 Last night didn't go well. In fact it was horrible. He says I did this to the relationship by obsesssing over him cheating. I hate him more than can be expressed. I wish I had local family so I could just leave. He won't go so I have to stay here til I can find a place to run to. This **** sucks. He says I caused all the cheating by gaining 31lbs while pregnant and not keeping myself physically attractive to him. Whatever! I have to separate our money and find a place to go. Like anything I ever did caused him to cheat on me the day after we got married! Bastard.
TaraMaiden Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 What a no-good piece of sh*i*t he is!! Good. Get angry. Really, really angry. You have to generate enough fury to absolutely bury him up to his neck in his own filth. Find a woman's help centre of association where you can find support and maybe shelter for you and your youngest, because he sounds as if he will stop at nothing to undermine you completely and anihilate any self-respect or self-worth you have. More importantly, find a lawyer, and throw a divorce at him - and a restraining order. get legal advice. Be angry and use it. Motivate yourself. Channel it to finally give you back what you deserve, and what is most precious to you, more precious than anything else. You.
freestyle Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 Read some articles on "gaslighting" ( go to google) . It may shed some light for you. And please don`t beat yourself up too hard. Your spine isn`t missing, it`s just been sleeping. Armour yourself with the knowledge that you are a good and kind person, that matters more than anything else. I believe you will begin to feel stronger.
happylife Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 As expected he's still trying to manipulate you into staying as he's probably scared s***less you've finally realised what aof worthless crap he is/ Well done on everything so far, hold onto the thought that pretty soon you'll have your life back. Why not get yourself a boyfriend see how he likes it??!!! I know you wont but i'd love it if you did! Stupid bastard that he is! What a spineless a'hole he is saying you drove him to it. Hello??? It's called taking resonsibility!
breakthecycle Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Hi. I have been browsing this forum for a few days, reading all the stories. In particular this thread is very similar to my situation. I decided to post today after reading about the term 'gas-lighting'! I looked it up and cannot believe there is actually a 'condition' to describe this process that I am sure a lot of us have been through. It was so interesting to read, and explained such a lot. Thank you for making this aware. When I have the energy and motivation, I will post my story. But good luck in taking a stand, I really admire you. I really hope thinks improve for you. PS. With regards to him not leaving the house, I would definitely recommend a solicitor who will do it for u.
MistyK Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Blaming you for gaining weight while pregnant with HIS child. That honestly takes the cake. This guy has an astronomical sense of entitlement and has no empathy whatsoever. Please don't let him twist this around on you, you have to get away from this guy ASAP. I would bet that your friends and family will happily open their home to you and would provide you with a tremendous amount of support.
Author AngryinColorado Posted September 3, 2009 Author Posted September 3, 2009 I spoke to a counselor today for 3 hours and learned the most amazing things. If you've never heard of or understood Stockholm Syndrome look it up, but here is a quick rundown: Stockholm syndrome is a psychological response sometimes seen in abducted hostages, in which the hostage shows signs of loyalty to the hostage-taker, regardless of the danger or risk in which they have been placed. What I was told is that over time, people that are in bad situations will psychologically and often sub conciously make changes to their personal boundries and choices to remove conflict. Basically we don't want to be unhappy, so we convince ourselves that if we change our thinking or allow certain things, it will remove the conflict and therefore leave us happy. Sounds like BS, but it had such a ring of truth for me. The problem she told me is that because you are going against your true nature, over time anger and resentment builds. (I think this is where the term "snapped" was coined) At that point the cheating spouse claims that we "allowed" or "agreed" to what was happening. She also told me that often this happens when one spouse wants things like threesomes or open marriages. They keep pushing and talking about it until the resistent spouse agrees. Afterward they hate it but feel forced to continue and say nothing because they "agreed to it". I was able to see how I had been the one to establish that there were no boundries to be adhered to or respected. That while I cannot control his choices or behavior I have to acknowledge and forgive myself for my OWN choices. She told me that cheating isn't something someone does TO you, it is a destructive choice they make FOR THEMSELVES. I was just collateral damage (as were the other women) to whatever was/is going on in him. The fact that the women I mentioned in my original post is the thorn in my side, she says that somehow I have convinced myself that if he will end things with her it will mean that he is serious about his relationship with me. I had never thought about it, but it is true. She sent him an email yesterday (which I snooped and saw but didn't delete) that said that if he is willing to get back together with her and divorce me, he can have a totally open relationship. She won't even mind if he still has sex with or dates me (his wife!!) as long has he makes her number one. Financially and physically. If not, she is going to marry another man. I no longer feel like she was somehow better than me. She is pathetic and wants my life. She can have it in it's current form! I just wanted to let you all know.
PhoenixRise Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 Bravo AIC I am so glad that you talked to a professional and got clarity about your situation. This is wonderful. Are you going to get some regular therapy? It can help you get even stronger and keep your focus on what you need and deserve in your life. Keep us posted on your progress.
TaraMaiden Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 I spoke to a counselor today for 3 hours and learned the most amazing things. If you've never heard of or understood Stockholm Syndrome look it up, but here is a quick rundown: Stockholm syndrome is a psychological response sometimes seen in abducted hostages, in which the hostage shows signs of loyalty to the hostage-taker, regardless of the danger or risk in which they have been placed. It's what happened to Patti Hearst, isn't it? Wow and double wow...! You are doing so well here! so what's your next move with 'Mr Stockholm Sadist'?
happylife Posted September 4, 2009 Posted September 4, 2009 Hi I'm so pleasedyou have found some support and someone you can trust to talk to. I felt so hopeless for you at first but now i really feel you will make it. Interestingly i actually feel sorry for the OW as it sounds like she will go through the same thing, she already seems to know the ground rules of the 'relationship' ie, that he will always sleep around. Bet he cant believe his luck finding himself someone who is basically saying "ok, sleep around" as long as shes no.1. Oh pleeeeaaassse!!!! So so pleased you can now see the light. I still want to thump him!!! Good luck
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