Angry & Spineless at the same time

[AngryinColorado]

I'm so screwed up. My husband started cheating on me before we were married while I was pregnant. He said he wasn't attracted to me because I didn't keep myself up like he thought I could have and that he didn't like having sex with pregnant women.

 

I spent 7 months hurt, embarassed and depressed. He swore that as soon as I had the baby he would stop because he didn't want to sleep with other women he just had needs. But I didn't leave him.

 

He slept with over a dozen women but there is one I just can't get past. He would get up out of bed at night and go to her house and come home at 4 or 5 am. He took her out to nice places bought expensive dinners, etc. I was hospitalized once while I was pregnant for some early labor complications. When I dozed off he left the hospital without saying anything and wouldn't answer his phone. I later found out he went and spent the night at her house. But I didn't leave him.

 

I found emails between them where he told her that he loved her and that after I had the baby he would leave me. He even came home one night drunk and told me he loved her and didn't know how he let it happen.

 

The next day I told him I should leave and he claimed that he had no idea what he was talking about the night before and he didn't love her. I wanted to believe that it was just physical and even though I didn't agree with it, that maybe it would go away.

 

A month after I gave birth, he "appeared" to stop seeing her. But one day he rushed home from work showering to leave and I looked at his cell phone. He was meeting her to take her out to dinner. I confronted him and told him it had to be her or me or I would have to leave. He said he wasn't going to stop being her "friend". I started making plans to leave him and get my own place.

 

For about 3 months it looked like she was finally gone for good, no late night calls or text messages and it looked like he was trying to repair our relationship. It was during this time we got married. Then I find out the only reason they aren't seeing each other anymore is because SHE started seeing someone else and didn't want him anymore.

 

Still, every time she calls him (which is once a month or so) if she wants to see him he goes running. He took her out a couple weeks ago and spent over $350 on her in one night trying to impress her. He sent her a text saying he still loved her and didn't care who knew about it.

 

I know this sounds crazy, but I was able to forgive pretty much everything. But the fact that after I told him BEFORE we got married that I cannot and will not abide by her having any kind of presence in his life, he would run to her AGAIN, has broken something in me. I cannot find a thread of hope that we will be a true couple.

 

We are still together but things are strained. We had other issues, (my kids were horrible to him for a long time, and I didnt run our house or take care of finances the way he wanted. All issues that caused huge issues for him) but nothing that would cause long term or irreperable damange. But I cannot accept that these are good enough reasons for things that he did.

 

There were other women and other shocking things that came to light, but this "woman" is the one thing I cannot seem to get past. She knew about me, our family, my being pregnant and didn't care. She was allowed to call him or text at any time without consequence. The one time I called her, he got so mad at me he didn't half talk to me for 3 days.

 

I'm tired of being angry. At him and at myself. I feel like my trying to work out my relationship was the same as not standing up for myself. I feel weak and stupid. Everytime this girl calls, or he gets angry I am convinced he is going to run to her. I am sure, that if she called him today, and wanted him back--he would run. He says I was never in danger of him leaving me. What a joke. Why does he think that staying with me but rubbing this girl in my face is better?

 

I told him that he puts her ahead of me and he completly disagrees. He said that fact that he is still with me shows he is putting me first. But at the end of the day he won't leave her alone. That tells me that he still loves her. The anger and depression is changing me. i don't take care of myself like I used to and I am not as much fun. How do I move on from this?

 

Please someone help me. Please.

[vox]

Oh my god.

 

What he did is unbelievable. However, what you did to yourself is even worse.

 

Lady, you need to find your spine. You have basically shown that he can utterly disrespect you and you'll just take it. Time and time and time again. You have to believe in your heart that you're worthy of being treated the way you want to be treated.

 

You're an utter doormat and until you learn to be an independent and confident woman and mother, you'll continue to be walked on.

[PhoenixRise]

Clearly you are not angry enough.

 

Who can help you if you won't help yourself?

 

How much are you willing to put up with?

 

If you know he will not let the other woman go what are you going to do about it?

[foreal]

Angryincolorado:

 

I am so sorry to hear your story- this cannot be easy.

 

What does it matter if he loves this other woman or not? He treats you like dirt- love or no love for someone else, his actions are reprehensible.

 

Your kids see it, feel it, and internalize it. What do you think the impact of this is on them?

 

You appear to be a person who is capable of taking an emotional beating, over and over. You are modeling behavior for your children. Even if you are able and willing to handle the degradation of this relationship, I wonder how much your kids can take before they too feel they are unworthy of respect and love and in turn have relationships that model this one.

 

I hope you seek out counseling asap...if not for yourself, then for your children.

 

Again, I am so sorry for your pain and sorrow. There is hope and help available though, but you will have to reach out and grab it.

 

You can do it!!

[TaraMaiden]

I'm speechless.

I am completely and utterly speechless.

 

And this is the first time, in a very very long time, that I've felt like picking up a baseball bat and clubbing someone round the head with it.

 

And I'm Buddhist.

I just don't do that.

 

But I really feel I might, if I ever met him.....

 

And I'm not speechless all that often, either.

[PhoenixRise]

This man is abusing you.

 

He will continue to do so for as long as you allow it.

 

He clearly has no respect for you. He is not even trying to hide his activities.

 

AIC,

 

What exactly were you hoping to get from posting your story here?

 

Are you looking for people to help you find the strength to leave? People here will gladly do that.

 

Are you looking for ways to make your husband change? There is nothing you can say or do to make him change if he doesn't want to.

 

What are you hoping for?

[AngryinColorado]

I guess what I was hoping was for someone to tell me how to deal with all the anger. This is my first marriage and I fully intended to make it work. But I don't know if there is anything I can do at this point. I

 

My kids know nothing about any of this. We never argue at home so they think everything is great. They even have a good relationship with him now.

 

Is it even possible to re-build a relationship after all of this?

How do I go about breaking up my marriage and dealing with the questions from family and friends?

Why do I feel like I am doing something wrong in the eyes of the church for even being willing to divorce?

 

I'm confused more than anything.

[foreal]

Please go to counseling...you need someone to help you sort thru this.

 

and just b/c your kids don't see it, they 'feel' it....can you honestly say you are being the best mom you can be with all these emotions swirling around you? At best you are distracted with thoughts of your H's infidelity(s)

 

How old are your children?

 

You have an infant I think (3-5 months old), but how about the others?

 

Children are much more aware than you think- even little ones...they may not understand it, but they feel it.

[foreal]

I guess what I was hoping was for someone to tell me how to deal with all the anger. This is my first marriage and I fully intended to make it work. But I don't know if there is anything I can do at this point. I

 

My kids know nothing about any of this. We never argue at home so they think everything is great. They even have a good relationship with him now.

 

Is it even possible to re-build a relationship after all of this?

How do I go about breaking up my marriage and dealing with the questions from family and friends?

Why do I feel like I am doing something wrong in the eyes of the church for even being willing to divorce?

 

I'm confused more than anything.

 

This is your first marriage? So you have kids, but have not ever been married to their father(s)? How does that jive with your religion?

[Ronni_W]

Why do I feel like I am doing something wrong in the eyes of the church for even being willing to divorce?

Perhaps it would help to talk with a pastor -- not necessarily someone from your own congregation (if you are a member of one) -- to get a clearer picture of how 'the church' might view your current situation, and also to find out what types of solutions 'the church' would offer?

 

I think such qualities as love, compassion, forgiveness and empathy must also be extended to the self; and perhaps a faith minister would be able to help you to decide how best to change and improve your situation while still embodying those qualities that 'the church' wants you to uphold.

 

Hugs, and God bless.

[PhoenixRise]

I guess what I was hoping was for someone to tell me how to deal with all the anger. This is my first marriage and I fully intended to make it work. But I don't know if there is anything I can do at this point. I

 

My kids know nothing about any of this. We never argue at home so they think everything is great. They even have a good relationship with him now.

 

Is it even possible to re-build a relationship after all of this?

How do I go about breaking up my marriage and dealing with the questions from family and friends?

Why do I feel like I am doing something wrong in the eyes of the church for even being willing to divorce?

 

 

 

I'm confused more than anything.

 

Honestly if just want to know how to deal with the anger AND you are determined to stay in the marriage, the only advice that anyone can give you that fulfills both of these conditions is for you to learn to live with the fact that your H has no intention of being faithful to you or respecting you as his wife.

 

Is that what you really want?

 

Please find yourself some counseling. You need real life help to work through all of this.

 

This status quo is not good for you or for your children. They know more than you think. They can feel it when mom is unhappy or angry.

[AngryinColorado]

My two older children are 17 and 15. I wasn't as focused on my relationship with God as a woman in her early 20's but that is much different now that I am in my late 30's.

 

Honestly 5 days a week I want to run and never turn back. But the other times I want to make it work.

 

I thought that the love would go away and make it easy to leave but that doesn't seem to be the case. I still love him but the resentment is growing by the day.

 

What makes me feel the most stupid is that the months leading up to the wedding were great. I had all the passwords to everything, we shared a cell phone account, etc. no unexplained absences, nothing. We went to counseling for 10 weeks, things were good.

 

But then the first time this woman called him, all that fell apart (this was the incident a few weeks ago).

 

That is what finally broke me. I'm just trying to figure out how to get back on my feet emotionally and how exactly do I move forward.

[foreal]

My two older children are 17 and 15. I wasn't as focused on my relationship with God as a woman in her early 20's but that is much different now that I am in my late 30's.

 

Honestly 5 days a week I want to run and never turn back. But the other times I want to make it work.

 

I thought that the love would go away and make it easy to leave but that doesn't seem to be the case. I still love him but the resentment is growing by the day.

 

What makes me feel the most stupid is that the months leading up to the wedding were great. I had all the passwords to everything, we shared a cell phone account, etc. no unexplained absences, nothing. We went to counseling for 10 weeks, things were good.

 

But then the first time this woman called him, all that fell apart (this was the incident a few weeks ago).

 

That is what finally broke me. I'm just trying to figure out how to get back on my feet emotionally and how exactly do I move forward.

 

OMG! a senior and a sophomore in high school? Yea, they know- of course they are acting happy- you are so distracted by this they are probably seeing it as an opportunity to do things you would otherwise not tolerate-

 

Ronni_W's post was a good suggestion..if you are into the church now, then go see a pastor....you reallly do need support. Go get it.

[TaraMaiden]

Why do I feel like I am doing something wrong in the eyes of the church for even being willing to divorce?

 

How about his willingness to do something wrong in the eyes of the church by covetting his neighbour's wife and committing adultery?

I take it he's not big on going to church?

 

The church is a man-run establishment and the men sometimes have a tendency to make it up as they go along.

If you think about it, even though you might have married in church, divorce has nothing to do with attending church again.

It's done through the courts, through Law.

So people who have a marriage in a registry office, or a civil marriage without the mention of God - divorce in just the same way as someone who got married in church....

 

Divorce is no sin in the eyes of God.

Not the church.

God.

And God is not as inventive as men.

He has some pretty strict rules, and they never became suggestions along the way....

You think God would look at you and say -

"He's putting you through the wringer, committing adultery, and disrespecting you and your children. he belittles you and treats you like a doormat - of course you must stay married!"

 

I don't think so.

 

You have to consider how important it is for you to be a good example to your children, and not be a doormat or push-over.

I realise your relationship with God is important, but I really, honestly believe that if he were sitting with you right now, he would tell you that this is not the way you should be.

[redtail]

ETC...

I'm confused more than anything.

 

Of course you are, that's understandable, the behavior you see, the treatment you get, is something that you would never think of putting someone else through.

 

You have worth, you are a great person for all you have managed to suffer through, but you need to be strong. You can do this. For you, as a good example for your children and yes, for your faith. Infidelity is an acceptable reason for divorce by most, if not all of the churches that I'm aware of. And if your case doesn't apply, then no one's does.

 

Dear Angry, in my opinion, your marriage is one that can not be saved. It was born out of mistrust and infidelity and continues those traits. You deserve better, please believe that! The church, your friends and family will understand, you are the victim in this marriage. You are to be admired for giving it more of a chance than it deserves, but please see it for what it is, detrimental to you and and a bad example for your kids.

 

Counseling for you is in order and will help you to see this through. Be brave, you'll be glad you did. A year from now, you'll wonder why you ever waited and you'll be proud of your actions. As will your friends and family.

 

My best wishes to you.

[NoIDidn't]

Ronni_W's post was a good suggestion..if you are into the church now, then go see a pastor....you reallly do need support. Go get it.

 

 

Depends on the church, the denomination and type of religion.

 

I've seen friends sent back to abusive husbands and told to deal with it by their pastors. They've been Christian, Jehovah's Witnesses, Catholic, Muslim, you name it.

 

What she really needs is a good therapist and an intervention to see that she is worth more than this.

 

She is trying to save something that only exists on paper. And she allowed so much of this disrespect, he has no real motive to stop his behaviors.

 

Maybe if she stopped fighting for this "paper" relationship, he might take notice and do something different.

[foreal]

Depends on the church, the denomination and type of religion.

 

I've seen friends sent back to abusive husbands and told to deal with it by their pastors. They've been Christian, Jehovah's Witnesses, Catholic, Muslim, you name it.

 

What she really needs is a good therapist and an intervention to see that she is worth more than this.

 

She is trying to save something that only exists on paper. And she allowed so much of this disrespect, he has no real motive to stop his behaviors.

 

Maybe if she stopped fighting for this "paper" relationship, he might take notice and do something different.

 

Good point, NID!! I forgot some religions are so pro M they are anti women...hopefully AIC's church is not one of these- in any case, GO GET HELP AIC!!!! Go see a therapist!!! you are worth it!

[MadMission]

"Is it even possible to re-build a relationship after all of this?"

 

-Not while your WH is in a relationship with OW. Did you even HAVE a relationship to start with...since he was cheating on you even before you got M???

 

"How do I go about breaking up my marriage and dealing with the questions from family and friends?"

 

-Get this straight in your head. YOU did not break up the M! Your WH did! And, you should go ahead and be totally honest with your family and friends and tell them exactly what he has done to you. Don't protect him. Tell them the truth.

 

"Why do I feel like I am doing something wrong in the eyes of the church for even being willing to divorce?"

 

-If you are a Christian, then you should be aware that the Bible is very clear on God's opinion on D in the case of infidelity...he is ALL FOR IT...and, as a matter of fact, infidelity is the ONLY reason which God condones for D. That tells me that infidelity is THAT bad, THAT ugly, and THAT distructive, that God gives you a 'Get Out of M Free Card' when it happens. NO GUILT!

 

Who cares what the 'people' of the church think or say. And, actually, if they knew the details of your story, they would likely say 'get the hell out of that M!'

 

Try to think things through. Make a plan for yourself. Consult with a lawyer (often free) so that you will have a handle on how well you will fare financially in a D.

 

I wish you all the best.

[Gamine]

I'm so screwed up. My husband started cheating on me before we were married while I was pregnant. He said he wasn't attracted to me because I didn't keep myself up like he thought I could have and that he didn't like having sex with pregnant women.

 

I spent 7 months hurt, embarassed and depressed. He swore that as soon as I had the baby he would stop because he didn't want to sleep with other women he just had needs. But I didn't leave him.

 

He slept with over a dozen women but there is one I just can't get past. He would get up out of bed at night and go to her house and come home at 4 or 5 am. He took her out to nice places bought expensive dinners, etc. I was hospitalized once while I was pregnant for some early labor complications. When I dozed off he left the hospital without saying anything and wouldn't answer his phone. I later found out he went and spent the night at her house. But I didn't leave him.

 

I found emails between them where he told her that he loved her and that after I had the baby he would leave me. He even came home one night drunk and told me he loved her and didn't know how he let it happen.

 

The next day I told him I should leave and he claimed that he had no idea what he was talking about the night before and he didn't love her. I wanted to believe that it was just physical and even though I didn't agree with it, that maybe it would go away.

 

A month after I gave birth, he "appeared" to stop seeing her. But one day he rushed home from work showering to leave and I looked at his cell phone. He was meeting her to take her out to dinner. I confronted him and told him it had to be her or me or I would have to leave. He said he wasn't going to stop being her "friend". I started making plans to leave him and get my own place.

 

For about 3 months it looked like she was finally gone for good, no late night calls or text messages and it looked like he was trying to repair our relationship. It was during this time we got married. Then I find out the only reason they aren't seeing each other anymore is because SHE started seeing someone else and didn't want him anymore.

 

Still, every time she calls him (which is once a month or so) if she wants to see him he goes running. He took her out a couple weeks ago and spent over $350 on her in one night trying to impress her. He sent her a text saying he still loved her and didn't care who knew about it.

 

I know this sounds crazy, but I was able to forgive pretty much everything. But the fact that after I told him BEFORE we got married that I cannot and will not abide by her having any kind of presence in his life, he would run to her AGAIN, has broken something in me. I cannot find a thread of hope that we will be a true couple.

 

We are still together but things are strained. We had other issues, (my kids were horrible to him for a long time, and I didnt run our house or take care of finances the way he wanted. All issues that caused huge issues for him) but nothing that would cause long term or irreperable damange. But I cannot accept that these are good enough reasons for things that he did.

 

There were other women and other shocking things that came to light, but this "woman" is the one thing I cannot seem to get past. She knew about me, our family, my being pregnant and didn't care. She was allowed to call him or text at any time without consequence. The one time I called her, he got so mad at me he didn't half talk to me for 3 days.

 

I'm tired of being angry. At him and at myself. I feel like my trying to work out my relationship was the same as not standing up for myself. I feel weak and stupid. Everytime this girl calls, or he gets angry I am convinced he is going to run to her. I am sure, that if she called him today, and wanted him back--he would run. He says I was never in danger of him leaving me. What a joke. Why does he think that staying with me but rubbing this girl in my face is better?

 

I told him that he puts her ahead of me and he completly disagrees. He said that fact that he is still with me shows he is putting me first. But at the end of the day he won't leave her alone. That tells me that he still loves her. The anger and depression is changing me. i don't take care of myself like I used to and I am not as much fun. How do I move on from this?

 

Please someone help me. Please.

 

 

In all of my posts LS I have never told anyone to kick their spouse or SO to the curb. There is always a first time... and well, this looks like it is.

 

This is sick and cruel. You have to put a stop to it. Make arrangements to go to a friend's or family member's house and move out. Pull a 180 on him. Don't take his calls. Blow him off.

 

When he comes crawling (eventually he will) tell him you won't talk to him unless and until he sees a psychiatrist and makes amends with you.

 

Kick him in the nether regions.

[MistyK]

We had other issues, (my kids were horrible to him for a long time, and I didnt run our house or take care of finances the way he wanted. All issues that caused huge issues for him) but nothing that would cause long term or irreperable damange. But I cannot accept that these are good enough reasons for things that he did.

 

 

That's cause they aren't good reasons. No wonder your kids were mean to him, he's a jerk. Not taking care of things "the way he wanted"? He's not a partner, he's a dictator. And he has decided that you have an open relationship for him to screw whoever he pleases whenever he pleases. He has sent you messages over and over again that his conduct isn't going to change and that's non-negotiable. Save yourself and get away from this creep.

[fooled once]

So exactly what are you looking for her?

 

People to tell you to continue to be a doormat? I mean, the man has cheated on you continually - since becoming pregnant. Yet you stay.

 

What does he have to do to you to make you leave? Have sex in FRONT of you?

 

He has no respect for you.

 

And it sounds like you have no respect for yourself.

 

What are you teaching your children?

 

And don't be fooled that they don't know what is going on. I never believe people when they say the kids don't know and we don't argue in front of them or at home. Bull crap.

 

ALL adults argue or disagree. And you can't bottle that up for an appropriate time all the time.

 

So either divorce this pig or stay with him and continue this type of treatment.

[AngryinColorado]

Thank you for all of the responses.

[2sure]

Angry -

 

You are asking why you cant get over this particular woman.

First, because he is still having an affair - at this point , basically with your permission.

Also - if you are confused why you are focusing the bulk of your anger on this woman...its probably because you have plenty of anger all around and need a convenient and obvious place to put it. You picked her instead of your husband simply because you wish your husband was different.

 

He is abusing you. You not handling finances, nothing like that justifies relentless cheating.

[happylife]

OMG, I'm disgusted in this awful man who could do this to you. Please get out of this awful relationship. It's the way he faunts it infront of you like he is well and truely taking the p**s out of you that makes it even worse. Sure he'll never leave you because who else would he find who would let him get away with all this?? I want to come and bundle you into my car and let you live with me until you get your self respect back and meet someone who is worthy of you, if only i could. This man has damaged you, that is clear to see. No one undamaged would ever put up with this. I'm sorry to hear of your situation but now it's time for you to take resposibility, after all you are LETTING him do this so sorry to say it but you are partially to blame. I really hope it works out and that can only happen if you leave. Be strong, good luck.

[happylife]

Are you missing something? Why are you angry at this woman, be angry with him!! Why question your anger, for goodness sake who wouldn't be angry in your situation?! I'm pleased your angry, at least that shows he hasn't totally destroyed every emotion in you and that after all this you are still aware that this situation is nothing but sick and twisted. Get angry and tell him to get out of your life!!! For what i'ts worth, i'm angry after reading this too, so god knows how you feel!