Should I have known better?

[converg3]

This will be a little long. I have been friends with this girl for a really long time. We have always been attracted to each other, but she had had a boyfriend for the last 4 years. He dumped her a couple of months ago, and she immediately started paying attention to me. We ended up getting really close, with her initiating every conversation. We eventually got to the point of hanging out every day. I realized the risks of getting involved with someone after a long serious relationship. I made the mistake of getting intimate with her. She constantly would be giving mixed signals, wanting to pursue serious things with me one day, and super emotional over him the next. I tried several times to take a step back and go NC to give her the space she needed, but every time she would message me 3 days later telling me she missed me. She always told me throughout all of the last two months that i meant so much to her, and i was helping her so much. It finally reached a point where i had to be serious about NC so i told her not to contact me unless she was sure she wanted to start a relationship. She messaged me five days later wanting to talk, so i ignored her for a few hours, she called later on that night, and, like an idiot, i picked up. She was at a bar and iI told her she shouldn't be calling me to talk when she is drunk, but she insisted she wasn't drunk and was speaking clearly so i took her word for it. She told me she had been hanging out with her ex, and it wasn't feeling the same with him anymore, and she was just thinking about me the entire time, and how she thought she was falling in love with me.This had me really excited because i felt pretty much the same way. So she came over that night, and we got intimate again. Well the next day I tried talking to her about the situation and where it was going, and she was very short with me and asked if we could talk about it the next day, so i complied. I brought it up the next day and she said her head was all over the place and she didn't know what she wanted. I got really upset and lashed out at her. I told her she was very selfish and Reckless and that love is not a word you can just toss around. She responded by telling me i needed to calm the **** down and that i was "freaking her out". I then asked her how i was freaking her out when she was the one who called me to tell me all of that two days before. She didn't give me a real response, all she said was "you're freaking me out and I'm done ruining your life, This won't happen again and I'm done with talking to you for good". I tried calling her so I could actually understand what had happened in the two days that went by but she wouldn't answer or return my calls. I then messaged her asking her to leave my stuff on her porch so i could come by and pick it up that night. She responded with "jeez, I'm not going to be home tonight, ill drop it off at your house". Of course she never did. I feel like she won't let me get my stuff back so she will have leverage for me to talk to her or something. All in all I am very hurt by all of this. I don't understand how she can say that i am freaking her out when all i was doing was trusting her when she said those things to me. I know i probably shouldn't have, but i gave her the benefit of the doubt. I feel kinda bad about calling her selfish and reckless. How the hell was i freaking her out? Do you guys feel like i was justified in doing so? and how do i go about getting my stuff? should i try reconciling things with her eventually or just ignore her all together? I know i will probably get flamed by many of you for being stupid, but i just need to know what you guys think happened and where i should go from here, i just feel used, and i probably was.......

[Tayla]

okay three facts here:

You were her rebound guy. Real simple. The Ego Needs to quickly recover from rejection by the very same means. She knew she could reject you! ANd her ego needed that to make up from her other relationship.

 

Fact two: you knew going into it that you were to play the rebound role.

 

fact three: you both knew it was going to come to a blow. Rebound relationships allways do... So now you both have real common ground in a sense. You are both now hurt ( her by her past one) ( and you by this current display she gave).

 

And I'll even toss in another fact. Its rare to recover or salvage the friendship part after this unless you both admit your roles in the above and change.

[Lish]

Everything Tayla said is correct.

 

How old are you by the way? I'm not going to shoot you down in flames. Everyone makes mistakes and you're only stupid if you don't learn from them. I'll answer your questions while I'm here, too

 

Do you guys feel like i was justified in doing so? Like Tayla said, you were a rebound. Any attraction you two previously shared did not matter to her, she knew you had a 'thing' for her and that's why she chose you as her rebound... therefore yes, you were justified to call her selfish as she used you and played with your feelings.

and how do i go about getting my stuff? What exactly is it that she has? If it's a few pairs of socks and some boxers, it's not worth the hassle. If it's something of worth or value to you, then you are entitled to get it back. I'd advise ignoring any comments/questions/discussion with her about your relationship/whatever. Just contact her regarding your stuff.

should i try reconciling things with her eventually or just ignore her all together? To be honest, the only interest she had in you was for a rebound, which she got, unfortunately. After you get your stuff, simply tell her you want nothing more to do with her & simply get on with your life.

 

Learn from your mistakes

Part of me actually feels sorry for you (not in a pity sort of way)... after years of attraction she knew she could get you and sadly, you were a lovesick puppydog that did what she wanted, and in the process, she's toyed with your feelings and hurt you.

You should move on and be happy... and you seem like a sensitive guy which makes a change (ha sorry, I'm so bitter hahah)

 

Good luck

[EricaH329]

I completely agree with Lish. If the things that are at her house are in any way replaceable, I would cut your losses. I've actually left a birth certificate behind before, it was a hassle in replacing it, but it was replaceable.

 

This girl most definitely used you to fill that void of needed attention that she wasn't getting. The few days that you didn't hear from her, were her feeling as if she didn't need that attention at the moment. She was fine on her own. Then, when the loneliness sets in, she heads straight for the phone. You were her easy fix.

 

You deserve better. Let this girl go, and find yourself a real woman! One that will actually appreciate what you have to offer!!

[converg3]

Yeah, i kinda figured that i was a rebound, though she exlicitly denied this many times. I am 23, she's 24. What i don't understand in the situation was her telling me all she thought about was me when she was hanging out with her ex, and then two days later acts like she doesn't know what she wants. I never left anything there, she always wore my shirts home. She has 3 shirts and a pair of boxers. Ill just cut the losses. I don't even want her to think i give a **** anymore. I want her to contact me about it so i can just ignore her. Another really strange thing is that she told me she told him i was better than him in bed, which i find strange that she would tell him that......I think I'm a pretty decent dude and I think i can do better, even if she is really attractive.

[Lish]

Yeah, i kinda figured that i was a rebound, though she exlicitly denied this many times. I am 23, she's 24. What i don't understand in the situation was her telling me all she thought about was me when she was hanging out with her ex, and then two days later acts like she doesn't know what she wants. I never left anything there, she always wore my shirts home. She has 3 shirts and a pair of boxers. Ill just cut the losses. I don't even want her to think i give a **** anymore. I want her to contact me about it so i can just ignore her. Another really strange thing is that she told me she told him i was better than him in bed, which i find strange that she would tell him that......I think I'm a pretty decent dude and I think i can do better, even if she is really attractive.

 

Of course she would deny this. She would have said anything to keep you to fulfill her needs.

 

Regarding the thinking of you when she was with her ex thing, this could have been down to two reasons:

- She could have genuinely been thinking about you ...but this doesn't mean it's a good thing. You were used and she was probably only thinking about you when she needed her 'fix'...and then the "doesn't know what she wants" is when she's content for that very moment and has no use for you.

- Lying. She might have just said whatever it took to make you crumble for her, which did happen... and now you're hurt.

 

You seem like a nice guy, and you deserve better.

<3