Raphownsyou Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Hey guys, I have been dating this guy for a months now, well recently we have been going through a lot so we haven't really been together, But we have been trying and there is a lot of love there Anyways, It has been hard with me in the past to deal with his sexual past, as to be honest I haven't been open to anyone about mine, and I have been through a lot, a lot of experiences, and I have been very judgmental of people who have done things I have done even, I don't understand why to be honest He has told me about his past and he has done a lot too, and it has really affected me. Even when i look at porn i wonder if thats the kind of guy he would like, and why is he with me. Can anyone give me clarity? Has anyone dealt with this? SO yeah, I have come to the guy I am seeing and spoke to him about having a chat so i can open up to him about my past in effort to see how it might affect us, I feel kind of nervous about it all to be honest, to be that open with someone But i want to do it, i think? It might help? Has anyone done this before? It worries me because we aren't in the best place in our relationship so its kind of hard to see the positive of it.. Can anyone help please!! Maybe someone has experienced this?
Vet Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Hey guys, I have been dating this guy for a months now, well recently we have been going through a lot so we haven't really been together, But we have been trying and there is a lot of love there Anyways, It has been hard with me in the past to deal with his sexual past, as to be honest I haven't been open to anyone about mine, and I have been through a lot, a lot of experiences, and I have been very judgmental of people who have done things I have done even, I don't understand why to be honest Can anyone give me clarity? Has anyone dealt with this? SO yeah, I have come to the guy I am seeing and spoke to him about having a chat so i can open up to him about my past in effort to see how it might affect us, I feel kind of nervous about it all to be honest, to be that open with someone Has anyone done this before? It worries me because we aren't in the best place in our relationship so its kind of hard to see the positive of it.. Can anyone help please!! Maybe someone has experienced this? Here's how the conversation goes: "Do you have any communicable diseases I should know about?" "No, do you?" "Nope." "Okay then." That should be the extent of sexual history conversations.
Author Raphownsyou Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 We're veeeeery far past that point, We have loved eachother And I know a lot about him, We have been best friends for a year now. SO i dont think that will work?
Vet Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 We're veeeeery far past that point, We have loved eachother And I know a lot about him, We have been best friends for a year now. SO i dont think that will work? You don't think what will work? Why do you feel the need to bring up your entire sexual history and his?
AAlike Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Hey guys, He has told me about his past and he has done a lot too, and it has really affected me. Even when i look at porn i wonder if thats the kind of guy he would like, and why is he with me. Just to make sure that I understand, you are a gay male in a relationship, correct?
New Again Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I think most people who have "done this" before, ie divulged complete sexual history and demanded same of partner have found that in the future they will handle the situation as Vet described.
AAlike Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 You don't think what will work? Why do you feel the need to bring up your entire sexual history and his? I think what OP is saying is that due to their longstanding friendship, they have already exchanged stories about their sexploits, and unfortunately there's no way for it to be unlearned. I had this same problem with my fiancee - we met right when she moved to the city and palled around as neighbors for a week or two before realizing that we were into each other...had i known that we would be involved, there is no way that the stories that we exchanged would have been exchanged. it is certainly weird how, once you start to have feelings for someone, things that you ALREADY KNEW ABOUT and were able to just brush off or even in some cases be intrigued by, take a total different context once your emotions are in full swing.
Author Raphownsyou Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 Well, he has been clear with his sexual past, not like purposefully or anything, but i have asked questions before, and like i said we were friends before we dated, so i just remember how he was back then as well. It has been so hard for me the past months, he has done nothing to make me worry about his commitment to me, but his sexual past is getting to me because of my own past i reckon.. And yes i am a gay male, He is not ashamed of his past and has a good understanding of it, and says that if he hadnt done those things he wouldnt have gotten to this point. I just want to be able to enlighten myself, DO you guys think i should be honest with him, even if inside i cant see how it could totally help? maybe subconciously it could? The thing i dont need anything from him, he has disclosed his past, this is about me and if you guys think it could help me if i told him my past.
Vet Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Well, he has been clear with his sexual past, not like purposefully or anything, but i have asked questions before, and like i said we were friends before we dated, so i just remember how he was back then as well. It has been so hard for me the past months, he has done nothing to make me worry about his commitment to me, but his sexual past is getting to me because of my own past i reckon.. And yes i am a gay male, He is not ashamed of his past and has a good understanding of it, and says that if he hadnt done those things he wouldnt have gotten to this point. I just want to be able to enlighten myself, DO you guys think i should be honest with him, even if inside i cant see how it could totally help? maybe subconciously it could? The thing i dont need anything from him, he has disclosed his past, this is about me and if you guys think it could help me if i told him my past. I don't think it would help to have a have a preset time for you to disclose every sexual encounter you've had like you're debriefing him after a mission, but if things come up, just be honest. We also don't know your personal dynamic with him, so you can probably answer this yourself better than anyone here.
AAlike Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Well, judging from my own experiences as well as those of others - unfortunately, it simply takes time. You're not going to be able to "just get over it" one day - it just has to gradually fade away. I don't think that disclosing your own past will "cancel it out" per se - honestly I think that it will do the opposite of what you want by continuing to place importance on pasts - plus you never know, you might say something that causes the same effect on him. you probably just need to try your best to not fixate and move on. it'll get easier.
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