BCCA Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 So "working towards a relationship" isn't intimidating?? I just want to make sure I "word" it correctly!! And, of course, do this conversation face to face and not via phone or computer. :-) Here is the thing: regardless of wording, its going to mean the same thing right? Guys arent dense, he'll put it together. Dont sweat the details, just make sure you get what you want out there, clearly.
Author runnergal Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 Just so you know, I know this because as a guy, women have done the same thing to me. Multiple times, and most guys are the same way. The problem is not that you put your feelings out there in a month, if I thought you were a catch, that would make my day. The problem is that this guy isnt on the same page. Dont ever beat yourself up for being upfront with your feelings, thats part of being in an adult relationship. Yea, I knew you were a guy! And what did you do when women did this to you? I would have to say I'm a pretty good catch. I've NEVER been told I was ugly! I have great personality, humurous, sensitive, intelligent (except when it comes to matters of ) and magnetic (as alot of men have called me)! He pursued me from the BEGINNING! And then the moment I confessed my feelings, he distanced himself. What do you mean he isn't on the same page? Just trying to clarify what you mean. Thanks!!
boogieboy Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Yea, I knew you were a guy! And what did you do when women did this to you? I would have to say I'm a pretty good catch. I've NEVER been told I was ugly! I have great personality, humurous, sensitive, intelligent (except when it comes to matters of ) and magnetic (as alot of men have called me)! He pursued me from the BEGINNING! And then the moment I confessed my feelings, he distanced himself. What do you mean he isn't on the same page? Just trying to clarify what you mean. Thanks!! It doesnt matter how you say the words, if he doesnt want a relationship with you, nothing you say will make him want it. You are on page 15 = wanting a 1 on 1 exclusive thing, he is on page 3 = booty call. Since you were already a FWB, he most likely will not want more than that. You cant scare him off if he WANTED a relationship with you. So you can make yourself clear to him, but be prepared to possibly hear something you didnt want to hear. He is probably seeing other women, and is having fun. Im pretty sure he knows many women do not want FWB's, so he would already know right now that you want something more, but wont want to talk about it. Since he pursued you from the beginning, then backed off, I think he never saw you as relationship material.
BCCA Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Yea, I knew you were a guy! And what did you do when women did this to you? I would have to say I'm a pretty good catch. I've NEVER been told I was ugly! I have great personality, humurous, sensitive, intelligent (except when it comes to matters of ) and magnetic (as alot of men have called me)! He pursued me from the BEGINNING! And then the moment I confessed my feelings, he distanced himself. What do you mean he isn't on the same page? Just trying to clarify what you mean. Thanks!! When women did that to me, I simply stated 'remember that conversation we had, about how we were just friends? Yeah...' The thing was, we already talked about it, and sometimes you women (and us, too) will agree to things you dont want because you dont like your other option, which is to walk, but at the end of the day, thats never going to change. Someone who isnt interested today, wont be tomorrow. And you can be a catch to a lot of people, but not everyone. I think Im a great catch, but Im single and posting here, so... A great quote I remember is that 'not everyone will like you, but everyone that matters will'. By not on the same page, I mean that you obviously want the sex to turn into a more meaningful relationship, while he seems to like it the way it is. It doesnt mean anyone is right or wrong, just on different pages.
You'reasian Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 You met this guy, you got fed up with him, and decided you didn't want to have anything to do with him except be "friends". Whatever he does at this point is none of your business at all, so if you ask him if he's dating other women or you talk about him creating Facebook and Myspace accounts, you're going to come off as crazy. You've made your decision, so live with it, or tell him you've changed your mind and want to start seeing him again. Then it's in his court, but whether he's dating or is interested in other people is still not any of your business. I agree with Vet. You've made a decision, so any more persuance on your part is going to cross lines - even as friends. Why can't women move on?
Kamille Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I agree with the guys: don't sweat the small stuff. You can't 'con' a man into a relationship. He either wants in or he doesn't. If a man is intimidated by the way you 'phrase' a relationship question, then he simply doesn't want a relationship with you and you are better off cutting your losses. But you know what? This is exactly why it pays to be upfront about what you want in a relationship. If the guy you are 'not'-dating can't offer you what you want, then it's best you know now and stop wasting your time. In other words, don't you think you deserve better then a man who will distance himself when you express how you feel about him?
Author runnergal Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 I know what you're saying. I guess I just get confused by the things he says and does. He's apologetic for things that don't need an apology. He talks to me alot and even tells me personal stuff (things that I would consider a little TMI). He told me from the beginning that he wanted to take things slow, I guess I should've REALLY listened and heeded!!! :-(
BCCA Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Its tough when youre getting mixed messages. I guess the best thing to do in those situations is try and get some clarity from the other person, but it seems like you never really get straight answers from some people, and so you have to make your own conclusion. Wanting to take things slow and wanting them to go somewhere arent always the same thing. I think people use 'take things slow' as an excuse, when they really mean they dont want a relationship.
kizik Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 A great quote I remember is that 'not everyone will like you, but everyone that matters will'. Also: "those that matter don't mind, and those that mind don't matter."
Author runnergal Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 I think my best option right now is to just sit back, cut contact with him, and wait. I JUST DON'T GET IT!!! Why can't people just be straight forward and consistant?!?!? It just baffles me because I asked him at the beginning what he was looking for and he said "Long term relationship"...then things got weird, I acted afool and he changed it to "not looking for a commitment with anyone because of stressors and needing to focus on some things that have come up". ??????? And still talk to me...and yes, I know the whole FWB plays into this, BUT why open up to me about really personal stuff?!?! My id on here should have been "CONFUSED" but I think it was already taken by someone like me!! LOL
Author runnergal Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 And also, we BOTH agreed that if our feelings (minds) changed during the FWB that we would talk about it!
You'reasian Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I think my best option right now is to just sit back, cut contact with him, and wait. I JUST DON'T GET IT!!! Why can't people just be straight forward and consistant?!?!? It just baffles me because I asked him at the beginning what he was looking for and he said "Long term relationship"...then things got weird, I acted afool and he changed it to "not looking for a commitment with anyone because of stressors and needing to focus on some things that have come up". ??????? And still talk to me...and yes, I know the whole FWB plays into this, BUT why open up to me about really personal stuff?!?! My id on here should have been "CONFUSED" but I think it was already taken by someone like me!! LOL Face to face conversations are a must. No facebook.
Author runnergal Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 I agree, Asian, but we're not on fb: well we are, but we're not friends.:-)
BCCA Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 And also, we BOTH agreed that if our feelings (minds) changed during the FWB that we would talk about it! Actions speak louder than words. Ive found that people will generally say whatever it takes to pacify you at any given time if they do not value the bond you have enough, but their actions never lie. You trusted his words, when his actions told the whole story. As you said, he went from taking it slow to not trying to be committed. Huge red flag right there, but you wanted to believe him, so you bought it. We've all done the same thing at least once, myself more times than Id like to admit. You just have to ask straight up what the deal is, and accept his answer (or lack thereof). My guess is he's going to be wishy washy, since he doesnt want to hurt you or lose out on a FWB, but if he was serious about dating you long term, he would make it crystal clear.
Author runnergal Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 I agree! The MORE and MORE I think about it, the MORE and MORE I get PISSED about the WHOLE thing!!! I KNOW that I don't want to handle him via phone or computer though, I want him FACE to FACE. I know that no one owes anyone an explanation, BUT I feel that I do deserve to know what is exactly going on. If you want to be a part of my life, I will make room for you and VICE VERSA! If not, then NEXT!!! LOL
Kamille Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 I think my best option right now is to just sit back, cut contact with him, and wait. I JUST DON'T GET IT!!! Why can't people just be straight forward and consistant?!?!? Hu? Isn't this a contradiction? You expect him to be straightfoward and consistant when you yourself admit you haven't been straightfoward and consistant??? Are you sure you desire to sit back doesn't stem from the fact you prefer the status quo to actually communicating honestly with him? Stop playing games runnergal. You want to know if he is seeing other girls? Ask HIM. You have stronger feelings for him? Tell HIM.
Author runnergal Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 I have been VERY consistant and straightforward with him, other than the whole FWB situation. We use messenger to communicate. And, yes, I know that talking on the phone would be better, but it's just easier for us because of our jobs. But, for example, we were messaging back and forth late yesterday afternoon. He "read" my last comment and never responded UNTIL THIS MORNING! I responded with confusion about why it took him so long to respond but just let it go. And right now, he's burning up messenger wanting me to talk to him. Even told me that his phone was messing up and for me to send a text. I didn't get a chance to send it and like 3 min later he sends me another message asking me if I had sent one. I just don't get it! What I meant by sitting back and waiting was that we ARE going to talk but I won't have a chance to do so until next week. So in the meantime, sit back and wait for that time. And by the contact issue, I meant that cutting contact between now and then, then we BOTH have to time to think about the issues. Not trying to force him to think about things, just trying to give myself time to get my head straight before I have this conversation.
Kamille Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 And by the contact issue, I meant that cutting contact between now and then, then we BOTH have to time to think about the issues. Not trying to force him to think about things, just trying to give myself time to get my head straight before I have this conversation. Does he know a talk is coming up? If not, you cannot expect that cutting contact will give him time to think about the issues... Especially if he doesn't know there are any issues. Or I might just be misunderstanding the dynamics of your relationship with this guy. What I meant by being straighfoward is that it doesn't sound to me like you're putting your cards on the table. You started this thread wondering if he was seeing other people. It sounds to me like the reason you want to ask is because you're getting somewhat emotionally invested and would like this R to move foward. Again, this is a very valid desire. What I think is important here is for you to take responsibility for your needs and desires. If you want to be exclusive, you can say so. I've done so in the past with good results actually (although the R was pretty straighfoward, we were dating at the time). I said something like: "I really like you and I don't feel like dating other people." My point is, you can only speak up for yourself, but you can't strategize and make someone do something they don't want to do. And in my experience, being upfront and honest about how you feel and what you need in an R really pays off. If the guy isn't into you, he will say so and you can stop feeling disatisfied with your R. If the guy is into you, he'll be enthralled and the R will move foward, on good footing. The communication and trust will improve between the two of you.
You'reasian Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 And, yes, I know that talking on the phone would be better, but it's just easier for us because of our jobs. But, for example, we were messaging back and forth late yesterday afternoon.Not trying to force him to think about things, just trying to give myself time to get my head straight before I have this conversation. No excuses. Phone talk or face to face.
Author runnergal Posted August 29, 2009 Author Posted August 29, 2009 I agree! Conversation will take place this coming week. I have my kids so I'm not able to have any conversation! ;-) The cobwebs need to be cleared out! I am who I am, I am me! :-) If someone doesn't like me for ME, then move along cause someone else will!
You'reasian Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 I agree! Conversation will take place this coming week. I have my kids so I'm not able to have any conversation! ;-) The cobwebs need to be cleared out! I am who I am, I am me! :-) If someone doesn't like me for ME, then move along cause someone else will! Excellent! Hopefully it will end up well...perhaps with some baby makin'... jk Good luck!
Author runnergal Posted August 29, 2009 Author Posted August 29, 2009 I hope so as well! :-) I really like him and believe we have alot in common. We get along GREAT when we are together, face to face. We joke with each other, play, tease and connect so deeply. It's as if we can see into each other's souls by looking in each other's eyes. I've never met anyone that I connect so well with. He's said on my occassions that I'm "magnetic" and even told me once, when we first started dating, that we were possible soul mates. It's a connection so deep it's as if we knew each other in a past life. It's been like that from the MOMENT we laid eyes on each other. When I first met him it was work related. But I thought about him from time to time but thought he was married. So he finally contacted me and thats where it all began. I think he feels the deep, unexplainable connection and it may scare the crap out of him that someone (me) can see right through him one on one. I'm just tired of hiding behind something I'm not because I'm afraid of him being scared and running away. If "you" run away from the real me, then "you" don't deserve ANY of me! :-)
Author runnergal Posted August 29, 2009 Author Posted August 29, 2009 BABY MAKING!!! HMMMMMMM!!! WOOHOO!!! LOL That's one of our problems, not bad BUT GOOD!!! There's NOT ANY issue in that department!! hehehehehe ;-)
Cora Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 Don't listen to me because I give bad advice, but I can relate to what you are going through. This whole post reminds me of the situation I was in. The whole FWB thing with me wanting more, but too afraid to tell him that. Oh he knew that I liked him. I told him my feelings early on and while he said he wasn't ready for a commited relationship he constantly gave me all kinds of mixed signals. He even told me in the beginning that he was looking for the right girl for him. I had the whole talk with him early on. But as soon as he knew how I felt he backed off and he then went with this whole not ready for anything serious crap. I could not deal with the whole back and forth distancing stuff. I was always holding back for fear of pushing him away. I was holding out hope that if I just hung on and gave him some space he would come around and decide he was ready for a relationship with me. Oh I was so jealous and always wondering if he was dating other girls, why he did or didn't log on to the dating site we met on.....always over thinking and over analyzing every little detail. Everything he told me I would break down into a million different pieces and analyze each and ever piece. It was horrible!! HA I don't think you are as bad as me, but I can understand what you are going through. It was so exhausting and I was always left feeling drained, hurt, used, foolish and just plain MISERABLE!! I just eventually gave up on him. I could not wait around and hope for him to change his mind when he probably never would. Looking back on the situation I see how foolish I was. I made so many mistakes it was pathetic! If only I could go back and redo things, but I can't. Anyway, sorry I have gone off on a tangent here. This post just brought back everything I felt when I was going through this not long ago at all! I wish you the best of luck and hope it turns out well for you!!
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