I JUST discovered Dr. Laura.

[New Again]

Apparently she's been around doing her thing for my entire adult life to date.

 

What does everyone think of her, and more specifically her advice?

 

I listen to her on Sirius, and so far really enjoy her. I think she gives realistic advice, even though sometimes it kinda pisses me off. For example:

 

(Shout out to boogieboy, who ALWAYS pretty much gives out just this advice)

One woman called in saying she was so upset because her husband was having an emotional affair with another woman, but she was not willing to leave him. Dr. Laura basically said: So put on a happy face and stop being so negative and nagging so that he actually wants to spend time with you instead of the other woman.

 

Now, is this advice realistic? Absolutely (and honestly I feel like often the advice given on this forum is idealistic but not necessarily what 90% of the people who ask for advice will actually do, because it's harder to leave someone, etc.). But I still hate it! My sister actually thinks this is fantastic advice, and I do agree to an extent, but at the same time it makes me so angry.

 

Anyways, here's another piece of advice she gives that acknowledges a huge chunk of women who come posting here:

 

I'm curious what others think of her and her advice.

[New Again]

[New Again]

Also, I'm unclear on what she feels men's responsibility to women they're in relationships with is? Maybe I just haven't been listening long enough. But I'm getting a sense that some advice that makes me mad is that it seems like guys do whatever the ef they want and women are supposed to do everything for men (happy faces, all the housework, raising kids, cooking, working on the marriage or relationship, etc.).

[CaliGuy]

She writes good stuff and generally gives good advice. She's too "motherly" I think for many people. That said, she does teach self respect.

 

I think all married women should read her book "The proper care and feeding of husbands" (or whatever it's called).

[New Again]

She writes good stuff and generally gives good advice. She's too "motherly" I think for many people. That said, she does teach self respect.

 

I think all married women should read her book "The proper care and feeding of husbands" (or whatever it's called).

 

I haven't read it, but was just looking at it...so what do husbands do for their wives? What's their role?

[BCCA]

so what do husbands do for their wives? What's their role?

 

I honestly think this sentence is at the root of a lot of relationship problems.

 

No one wants to give without knowing what theyll get for it, when in reality, its always a gamble.

 

I think a lot of people are jaded or affraid to the point where they want instant gratification for their hard work, or they feel slighted.

 

As far as her personally, she makes valid points, but as with all advice, take it in stride.

[Vet]

I JUST discovered Dr. Laura.

 

Good. Now can you put her back where you found her?

[New Again]

I honestly think this sentence is at the root of a lot of relationship problems.

 

No one wants to give without knowing what theyll get for it, when in reality, its always a gamble.

 

I think a lot of people are jaded or affraid to the point where they want instant gratification for their hard work, or they feel slighted.

 

As far as her personally, she makes valid points, but as with all advice, take it in stride.

Hm, you make really good points.

 

But honestly, I just want to know what her stance is on this. Is her point that women should give give give and be caretakers and that's it? I think maybe I'm just hung up on her advice to put on a happy face and ignore the fact that your husband is being a complete disrespectful sh*t. Maybe that's the best advice if she's not willing to leave him, I don't know. But still...

[BCCA]

I cant speak for her personally, but in the situation in question, the women is obviously not going to leave the guy, so her advice is probably her best option. And she might have been implying that her attitude is at least partially responsible for the guy straying.

 

I just hear a lot of the same comments from guys/girls these days, and everyone kind of wants to hedge their bets and only give to get, which just doesnt work. In reality, thats insecure, and just leads to complications, and feelings of being slighted. Im guilty of this myself, trust me.

[New Again]

I cant speak for her personally, but in the situation in question, the women is obviously not going to leave the guy, so her advice is probably her best option. And she might have been implying that her attitude is at least partially responsible for the guy straying.

 

I just hear a lot of the same comments from guys/girls these days, and everyone kind of wants to hedge their bets and only give to get, which just doesnt work. In reality, thats insecure, and just leads to complications, and feelings of being slighted. Im guilty of this myself, trust me.

 

I used to be the "giver" in all my relationships...and I won't go into the details, but because of those experiences I'm much more into what I'm getting out of it - there has to be a balance, and that balance is respect.

[BCCA]

I used to be the "giver" in all my relationships...and I won't go into the details, but because of those experiences I'm much more into what I'm getting out of it - there has to be a balance, and that balance is respect.

 

Is that balance, though, or are you just turning into what you disliked?

 

See, I think thats just it. Im in the same boat, you get burned by being the giver, and all of a sudden, you want to get first. The problem is, everyone is kind of the same way, so we're all kind of looking to be getting more than we give. Its not much of a balance at all.

[New Again]

Is that balance, though, or are you just turning into what you disliked?

 

See, I think thats just it. Im in the same boat, you get burned by being the giver, and all of a sudden, you want to get first. The problem is, everyone is kind of the same way, so we're all kind of looking to be getting more than we give. Its not much of a balance at all.

 

Something to think about.

 

I do think it's a balance though. IME, the "giver" ends up being completely disrespected by the "taker" and the the "taker" takes the "giver" for granted.

 

I'm still a giver, in that I bring to the table the things I always brought to the table (and hopefully that's becoming more and more as I mature and learn). But if the other person isn't also giving (respect), there will be an issue.

 

So, as an example, if my bf/husband were having an emotional affair, that is disrespectful to me. Maybe I'm wrong for thinking this way, but why would I GIVE him anything when he is disrespecting me? Love is a two way street.

[butcher's hook]

So, as an example, if my bf/husband were having an emotional affair, that is disrespectful to me. Maybe I'm wrong for thinking this way, but why would I GIVE him anything when he is disrespecting me? Love is a two way street.

 

So then it's easy to assume you would walk away then?

 

The advice she gave is for a woman who does not want to walk away or who will sit there and accept what is happening, then she wants her cheating man to magically fix the situation all on his own therefore the advice she gave was spot on. If you are going to stick around then at least make yourself more inviting to the guy and do something about it. Why stick around to give even less, as if he is going to stop his affair if you are just sitting there waiting for him to stop.

 

Her point is that people always have a choice even when something that is out of their control is being done to them. If you choose to stay then help yourself. If someone is cheating on you the message is very clear "they do not want to be with you".

 

I agree with her comments overall. I especially agree with the first video you posted, she is right, sex now a days comes way too easy and women "fall in love" or get emtionally entangled WAY before a guy does, if he even does. They place demands on guys because they couldn't resist sleeping with them after a couple dates and then expect the guy to be committed. Doesn't work that way and no amount of hitting their head against the wall seems to wake women up. Maybe they are just suckers for pain because I see the exact same mistakes over and over and over.

 

And it's nosense that it doesn't matter if you hold out because a guy who is not into you is not into you now or 5 months down the line. The difference is that a guy who is not into you will not stick around for months waiting to sleep with you, he is out of there. You call the shots but women just don't seem to get this concept.

[BCCA]

Something to think about.

 

I do think it's a balance though. IME, the "giver" ends up being completely disrespected by the "taker" and the the "taker" takes the "giver" for granted.

 

I'm still a giver, in that I bring to the table the things I always brought to the table (and hopefully that's becoming more and more as I mature and learn). But if the other person isn't also giving (respect), there will be an issue.

 

So, as an example, if my bf/husband were having an emotional affair, that is disrespectful to me. Maybe I'm wrong for thinking this way, but why would I GIVE him anything when he is disrespecting me? Love is a two way street.

 

I agree, Ive been the only one giving myself, and I totally understand where youre coming from. If its not a two way street, the balance is off.

 

I just think that most of us feel the same way, and where it becomes a problem is when people arent willing to give without knowing what theyll get in return, or being given to first. You do have to draw a line, though, its just that where that line should be is a grey area. Honestly, though, I feel like if you meet the right person, you dont have to worry about this stuff.

 

If I was in that situation, you better believe I would boot the girl to the curb immediately. Its beyond disrespectful, its also super selfish.

[BCCA]

And it's nosense that it doesn't matter if you hold out because a guy who is not into you is not into you now or 5 months down the line. The difference is that a guy who is not into you will not stick around for months waiting to sleep with you, he is out of there. You call the shots but women just don't seem to get this concept.

 

Sex should be a mutually pleasing and bonding experience. It should not be a carrot on a stick, meant to lead guys to where you want them before they get it. The problem isnt the act, its the purpose behind it.

 

Even if you wait 6 months, they guy could still bail right afterward, the sex could be terrible, or he could want to do some freaky stuff youre not into. I think you should avoid it on the first couple of dates, but whether you wait until date 5 or date 15, it really doesnt make or break the relationship.

 

Sex is sex, its not a manipulation tactic of a way to see if a guy is serious about you or not. I can promise you that there are plenty of other signs to look for to tell whether a guy is into you besides how long hes willing to wait.

[New Again]

So then it's easy to assume you would walk away then?

 

The advice she gave is for a woman who does not want to walk away or who will sit there and accept what is happening, then she wants her cheating man to magically fix the situation all on his own therefore the advice she gave was spot on. If you are going to stick around then at least make yourself more inviting to the guy and do something about it. Why stick around to give even less, as if he is going to stop his affair if you are just sitting there waiting for him to stop.

 

 

Well when I gave that example in regards to myself I was simply referring to an emotional affair, and not the specific woman's situation who asked for advice. I understand that Dr. Laura's advice in that case was to a woman who was not willing to leave her husband.

 

And I don't know if I would walk away. Maybe. But I would not put on a happy face and continue to give while he has this affair until and unless he decides he's going to start giving me the respect I should be getting regardless.

[butcher's hook]

Sex should be a mutually pleasing and bonding experience. It should not be a carrot on a stick, meant to lead guys to where you want them before they get it. The problem isnt the act, its the purpose behind it.

 

 

 

99.9% of women don't date men just for sex they date men because they want to fall in love and potentially form a long term relationship.

 

Where I want a man is knowing that I see who he really is not what his dick tells him to say in the first few dates and he is all exctited and with a perma hard on. If he likes me and is thinking this woman is someone I could get to know because I could see myself attracted for the long haul, then it doesn't matter if he has to wait a few months we will only like one another that much more when it does happen and it gives us BOTH a chance to get to know one another on a deeper level than what our groins tell us. How is that entrapment?

Unless of course you are out to cheat women into sleeping with you only then I can see why you would feel manipulated. It would only feel like someone is using sex as a manipulatoin or like they are dangling a carrot if all you are thinking about IS sex.

Tough for you then, your jig is up.

 

 

And I don't know if I would walk away. Maybe. But I would not put on a happy face and continue to give while he has this affair until and unless he decides he's going to start giving me the respect I should be getting regardless.

 

Fine, so how would you propose you would gain his respect back? Clearly he is NOT respecting you or the committment he has to you if he is off getting emotionally close to another woman...

[BCCA]

Where I want a man is knowing that I see who he really is not what his dick tells him to say in the first few dates and he is all exctited and with a perma hard on. If he likes me and is thinking this woman is someone I could get to know because I could see myself attracted for the long haul, then it doesn't matter if he has to wait a few months we will only like oen another that much more when it does happen and it gives us BOTH a chance to get to know one another on a deeper level than what our groins tell us. How is that entrapment?

Unless of course you are out to cheat women into sleeping with you only then I can see why you would feel manipulated.

Tough for you then, your jig is up.

 

This goes back to what New Again was talking about, youre taking before you give. Youre making him jump though hoops to prove himself for the possibility of sleeping with you. Thats manipulative.

 

If you cant get a good feel of a person in a month of so, something is wrong. There shouldnt be arbitrary time restrictions or things they need to do first. Remember, sex should be a pleasing experience, but youre making it out to be something that women should be affraid of doing. Like I said, what difference would it make if you didnt sleep with a guy for 6 months and you still broke up? Was it the sex? Of course not, so why make sex the pinnacle of your relationship?

 

The amount of time a guy waits for sex has nothing to do with the strength of his feelings for you or the outcome of your relationship. The girl I loved more than anyone else jumped me on our 3rd date, and we were together 5 years.

[New Again]

Fine, so how would you propose you would gain his respect back? Clearly he is NOT respecting you or the committment he has to you if he is off getting emotionally close to another woman...

 

I'm not, not have I ever been in that situation. So all I know is that there would be a conversation where the issue was discussed. I would not sit silently being the perfect gf and acting happy and like he's not doing anything wrong.

 

Obviously any concrete answer would depend on many factors.

[butcher's hook]

This goes back to what New Again was talking about, youre taking before you give. Youre making him jump though hoops to prove himself for the possibility of sleeping with you. Thats manipulative.

 

Excuse me I'm giving just as much as he is giving I am letting him into who I am just as he is letting me into who he is. How is that making him jump through hoops? A guy who doesn't get sex right away is a martyr now? Stop with the victimization, both people are getting equally as much from each other they are spending quality time together getting to know one another from the inside out. How could you EVEN contest that?

 

If you cant get a good feel of a person in a month of so

 

I can get a good feel for a person after 5 mins of talking to them that doesn't mean I want to spread my legs and have sex with them. And that's actually a really good thing.

[butcher's hook]

This goes back to what New Again was talking about, youre taking before you give. Youre making him jump though hoops to prove himself for the possibility of sleeping with you. Thats manipulative.

 

 

Furthermore I give a rat's ass that a guy wants to sleep with a woman after 5mins of knowing them most guys will sleep with a homeless person who hasn't bathed in months if they want, we all know men are not the most descerning when it comes to sexual partners. So it's no big feat that a man wants to have sex with a woman right away! What is most important is who he is on an intellectual and emotional level not that he wants to sleep with me right away. that's a given and he should get to know me more as well, I may look great for the taking but spending time with me could prove to be not at all what he expected. It's a win win for both of us.

[butcher's hook]

I'm not, not have I ever been in that situation. So all I know is that there would be a conversation where the issue was discussed. I would not sit silently being the perfect gf and acting happy and like he's not doing anything wrong.

.

 

 

Fine I can appreciate you have not been in the situation we are talking hypothetically. You say you would not sit silently but that doesn't answer how you would get his respect?

 

What I asked you was how do you propose you would get his respect? You would fight a man who is already pulled away from you emotionally, so much so that he is investing in another woman, by pulling away even more?

[New Again]

Fine I can appreciate you have not been in the situation we are talking hypothetically. You say you would not sit silently but that doesn't answer how you would get his respect?

 

What I asked you was how do you propose you would get his respect? You would fight a man who is already pulled away from you emotionally, so much so that he is investing in another woman, by pulling away even more?

 

I guess my point was that I don't know, since it depends on the relationship, who I am at the time, who the guy is, whether I dump him or not, etc.

 

What I do know is that I am and always have been the type of person who calls people out on their sh*t. So all I can say for sure is that there would be a conversation about his cheating and if I chose to stay with him he would DEFINITELY have to be making it up to me.

 

That's not to say that I wouldn't have to do anything differently either. My point is that it would be unacceptable to me for him to keep doing what he's doing while I bend over backwards trying to be happy and affectionate and etc. toward a guy who's cheating on me, just waiting for him to come around and start respecting me.

 

His behavior and contact with the other woman would stop immediately and we would both be working on our relationship and focusing on each other.

 

Again, it's a two way street, not a one way where one person does all the work.

[butcher's hook]

I guess my point was that I don't know, since it depends on the relationship, who I am at the time, who the guy is, whether I dump him or not, etc.

 

I am not challenging you to make this personal for you I am trying to help you understand what Dr. Laura's advice meant by So put on a happy face and stop being so negative and nagging so that he actually wants to spend time with you instead of the other woman since you asked.

 

What I do know is that I am and always have been the type of person who calls people out on their sh*t. So all I can say for sure is that there would be a conversation about his cheating and if I chose to stay with him he would DEFINITELY have to be making it up to me.

 

 

Well let's hope so I would think that would be the BEAR minimum a person would do in that situation, any less than that would involve looking the other way.

 

That's not to say that I wouldn't have to do anything differently either.

 

Right and that is what she meant. If you do decide to stay with him after knowing that he is diserespecting you and your relationship, then you would also need to look at yourself and the relationship and how you can improve it. The other option would be to say "I am fine, I did nothing wrong here, I am now walking away because I do not deserve this"

 

 

so what she meant by her advice is if you are not going to get out then make it better, it is your onis just as much as it is HIS. Standing in a corner resentful and expecting a man to "make it up to you" when he is already not into the idea of pleasing you is not going to make your situation any better for you.

 

 

 

His behavior and contact with the other woman would stop immediately and we would both be working on our relationship and focusing on each other.

 

Ok and that's what she means by be more inviting, work on the relationship get to the root of why he felt a disconnect with you and felt he had to turn to another woman for emotional support.

 

 

Again, it's a two way street, not a one way where one person does all the work.

 

Bingo! but you have to reel him back in before you can work on him/the relationship. This applies to guys too if it was a woman doing the cheating.

[BCCA]

Excuse me I'm giving just as much as he is giving I am letting him into who I am just as he is letting me into who he is. How is that making him jump through hoops? A guy who doesn't get sex right away is a martyr now? Stop with the victimization, both people are getting equally as much from each other they are spending quality time together getting to know one another from the inside out. How could you EVEN contest that?

 

 

 

I can get a good feel for a person after 5 mins of talking to them that doesn't mean I want to spread my legs and have sex with them. And that's actually a really good thing.

 

 

My point was that there is no need for arbitrary time restrictions on having sex, you should just do it when it feels right. You, on the other hand, are viewing sex more from a 'Im not going to let this guy hit and quit' mentality, which usually only turns into a self fulfilling prophecy. Sex is not going to make or break a relationship in and of itself, unless its just aweful.

 

Furthermore I give a rat's ass that a guy wants to sleep with a woman after 5mins of knowing them most guys will sleep with a homeless person who hasn't bathed in months if they want, we all know men are not the most descerning when it comes to sexual partners. So it's no big feat that a man wants to have sex with a woman right away! What is most important is who he is on an intellectual and emotional level not that he wants to sleep with me right away. that's a given and he should get to know me more as well, I may look great for the taking but spending time with me could prove to be not at all what he expected. It's a win win for both of us.

 

Now youre being ridiculous. WHO would A) sleep with a homeless person, and B) sleep with someone who hasnt bathed in months? You have obviously been burned, I can see that, but youve gone off the deep end with that comment. Its ludacris.

 

Despite what you might thing, sex is not the only thing guys want. Most guys do actually want a LTR, they just want to make sure they are picking the right woman. There are just as many women out there sleeping around as their are men, hence the Dr's comments. You are making it seem like every guy is a filthy pig. I dont think you would appreciate the same kind of generalizations.

 

Also, its really not up to you to decide whats a 'win' for other people.