here we go AGAIN... Any thoughts?

[aaazzz]

hey there:) I've been going through the old posts for several hours now. Some stories sound a lot like mine but I still thought I should ask for your advice. Here is my story in a nutshell:

 

We first met 2 years ago. He broke up with me shortly before our first anniversary saying that he felt 'smothered' - not by me but by his 'other self'. He said there was a part of his personality that he couldn't bring to the surface while he was with me and this inner conflict was driving him crazy. It's not that I was making him behave one way or another. It was HE who - as he said - was imposing certain limits on himself while he was with me.

 

I know how weird all this sounds. Anyway, less than a month later he came back begging me to be his girlfriend again. He said he realized how miserable he was without me. He realized he had absolutely no interest in other girls and couldn't imagine himself with anyone else but me. He gave me the childish "I promise I won't do it again" and we got back together (pretty much as if nothing had ever happened).

 

Less than a year later he broke up with me again (that was 3 months ago). We stayed in touch over the Internet (treating each other like best friends and nothing more) but we never met. He would give me some hints that he missed me but I would either ignore them or joke about them. Anyway, long story short, he finally told me he wanted me back. He said he hadn't been with another girl during these 3 months (and neither have I been with someone else). He said he'd finally realized how much I meant to him and he'd do anything to win me back. When I asked for an explanation for our second break-up he gave me the same old story about feeling lost and confused and fighting with his own demons. He says it's all his fault, and there's nothing he'd want me to change about myself. He keeps saying "I know I've got issues and I'm trying to work on them but it's not easy. I'm not telling you that I've become some totally different person. I'm just saying that I really want you and I believe I could deal with my problems and make it work this time."

 

The thing is - i really REALLY love him. I thought he was The One, my soulmate, blah blah... I really like the idea of us getting back together and living happily ever after but I can't help wondering if that's possible. Well, it IS possbile but is it PROBABLE? And is it worth risking another miserable break-up for the same crazy reasons?

 

I can feel that he still loves me, and he is being honest when he says he wants me. He has never lied to me. Never cheated on me. He has always treated me right and I always felt respected and appreciated by him. We're really close friends and the sex is great. In theory, we make the perfect couple. In theory.

 

I know he has some serious issues. HE knows that, too. Would I be a masochist and a fool to give him another chance?

Stupid as it may sound, I'd rather let him screw up again (and if he does - really forget about him and cut all contact) than spend the rest of my life wondering if he was The One.

I realize this could turn into a vicious circle but I am also extremely stubborn, and if I say this is his last chance it really will be.

 

I know I sound like I'm trying to convince myself right now. I still haven't given him an answer. I told him that I still love him but I need to think about it. He's fine with it. He is not pushing me too much and he says he is willing to wait however long it takes me to decide.

Meanwhile, we keep in touch (phone and IM) but I still don't want to see him (we live in different cities). It's really weird right now - we're not together but we're also not not-together And it's as awkward as it can possibly get.

 

I don't expect any specific answer. I just needed to see my thoughts written down. Thanks to everyone who had the patience to read all this. I'll be glad to read your thoughts and opinions. I'm curious how all of this looks from the outside.

 

HUGS

[TaraMaiden]

What's the phrase....

Once bitten twice shy?

 

Sorry, but that would be a no-no for me.

As is so commonly said:

Do it to me once, more fool you.

Do it to me twice, more fool me".

 

he's a flaky Mr Non-Commitment.

 

All this talk of another side of him, this 'other self' is baloney.

He's all one person, unless he is a certified and medicated sufferer of schizophrenia.

He just gets cold feet when he feels too penned in, and so escapes to the relative comfort and safety of offloading and projecting the blame on to 'an aspect of himself' that needs working on.

It's all him.

But it's so much easier to admit 'something else about me' screwed up, rather than say - "I'm a screw-up".

 

He will do it again.

I'm certain of it.

And if you let him in, he will be harder to get rid of next time, because he will be thinking "hey, it's ok, if I give her the space, she'll give in eventually....She loves me, right?"

 

And he - and his invisible little alter-ego-buddy - will do it again.

I know you say you'll be stubborn and not give in, but by that time, how much more of your love, life and attention will he have taken?

You're willing to pi$$ all that away because you think it might work... but you're not sure?

[MSUE]

He's done it twice now...what makes think it wont happen a 3rd time? or more? repeat offender who doesn't know what he wants...there are just too many red flags there...Personally I would just move on and avoid the hurt yet again...I know you love him dearly...but are you willing to being played just because he is your "soul-mate"...if you go right back into his arms its only a matter of time till the cycle repeats itself all over again

[Quest]

 

he's a flaky Mr Non-Commitment.

 

All this talk of another side of him, this 'other self' is baloney.

He's all one person, unless he is a certified and medicated sufferer of schizophrenia.

He just gets cold feet when he feels too penned in, and so escapes to the relative comfort and safety of offloading and projecting the blame on to 'an aspect of himself' that needs working on.

It's all him.

But it's so much easier to admit 'something else about me' screwed up, rather than say - "I'm a screw-up".

 

 

 

This made me laugh out loud ... couldn't have put it better. Sorry but I think the best thing is to look at his actions and ignore his elaborate motives. He has put you through a dumping TWICE. That's really all you need to know. No, he may not be an evil person and he may have lots of loveable qualities but he's not treating you properly. Commitmentphobes, even flaky ones, don't suddenly change ... it can take years.

[seoa]

i'd go with the 'definition of insanity is doing the same thing, expecting different results' rule... so for me, there would have to be something very different going into this 3rd attempt...

 

is he willing to see a therapist (that *he* organises, on a regular basis) for example...?

 

so if you're going slow about making the final decision, maybe he could get his first appointment out of the way before you decide...??

 

something like that...

[aaazzz]

Thank you all for your answers. In fact, "schizophrenic" was one of the exact words he used do explain his past behavior:confused: I think he was half joking, half serious when he said it. He has also joked about seeing a therapist but I honestly don't think that's an option. People just don't do that here (not too far from the Western world but far enough:o). So, basically, if you have a serious mental problem you are likely to get some professional help here. If you want to deal with your commitment issues, however, you're on your own.

 

And I know that's the real problem. He never saw a serious problem in OUR relationship. He saw ANY committed relationship as a problem. He has pretty much acknowledged that and he says he is much more ready to cope with his fears and doubts. And I have to give him some credit for not 'plunging into life' and hooking up with other girls after breaking up with me.

I trust him when he says he wants to make it work. I believe he will make a serious effort. But I'm not sure if I want to be his experimental 'relationship guinea pig'

 

The thing is that deep inside I'm not 100% convinced that he's not Mr. Right. And I think it's better to regret doing something rather than not doing something (there's more than one way to look at this but I think you know what I mean).

I hate to admit it, but I tend to think along the lines of "If it works out, I'll be happy forever; if it doesn't work out, I'll probably lose another year but I'm only 24, so I can afford that" I do realize how stupid it sounds when I say it out loud

 

Anyway, I have to finish an important work project in the next 5-6 weeks. It's going to take up all my time and I'm not planning to see my ex until I'm done with it. I told him that and he seems to understand. I think that's enough time for him to convince me what (not) to do.

 

Again, thank you for your advice. It's a much-needed reality check for me. My family and friends don't have the courage to tell me "stay away; you're better off without him". They keep telling me it's a 50-50 shot ...and to me this sounds like "Go for it!"

[xpaperxcutx]

You're one of those people who can't decide because you're superstitious towards the whole " he's the one" thing.

 

That's irrational, although how you've been going about things have been very rational so far. Overlook the fact that he jilted you twice and left you ( more than) hurt and broken, why didn't you during all this time find a way to detach yourself from him completely?

 

Suppose he's not a pathological liar, but his behaviour from your description has raised more than enough eyebrows. Your doubts raise fears, and those fears should be enough to warrant you to run away. At least it'll save you a third time of having him tell you about his " other" self.

 

Being 24, makes you an adult. And while this decision is neither life or death, it does however says that in matters of the heart, you still hold to childish fancies. Grow up, in the sense that forgiveness is reasonable if the offender is sincere, and don't fall prey or become gullible in believing there's one person in this world worthy of the altruism you proclaim him to have.