Kornfused Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 My wife told me she wanted to separate Sunday night. Not to break up but just to live a part so we can work on ourselves separately. She still wants to date and talk on the phone and come to the house and cook (which she hasnt done in years). I was devastated and can do nothing but cry and try and talk her out of it. I believe what she is saying but I also have reasons to think maybe I shouldnt. She is an addict who is supposedly not using but may be or may be planning on it. She is also conflicted with attraction to women. So basically Im paranoid that Im being played and can see myself staking out her new place where ever that ends up being. She has been trying to keep it upbeat and wanted me to help her pick out where she is going. I didnt go to work yesterday and all I wanna do is sleep the hurt away. i told her last night that either I had to go untill she moved out or she did. So she packed her car and went to her sisters and is trying to find an apartment in the mean time. I told her I could sit her in limbo because all I can do when she is hear is cry and try and talk her out of it. Occasionally I get a little angry too and take jabs at her for being ****ed up and wrong. So she is gone. I see the 180 list but I dont know if its what Im supposed to do. According to her we are still together. She still loves me absolutely and is 100% committed to our marriage. She is planning on coming to the house on some of the nights that both our kids are there. We both have kids from a prior relationship. We have been together 10 years and married 7. She had an emotional affair 2.5 years ago when she relapsed on drugs after 8 years clean and things have been rough ever since. She has had more relapses and I think she is a few months clean right now. She is very depressed and has been and I have been pretty surley for a while. Anyway I guess my question is about the 180 list. Is it for me since we technically arent breaking up? Im sure I will get the advice that I should just truly separate from her and do the list and tell her to truly decide if she wants to be with me. But at this point Im just going along with whatever she wants.
Author Kornfused Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 Wow. Really feeling the love. Anyway Im pretty sure what Im dealing with her is a wife who because of untreated addiction and workaholism has worked herself into a suicidal depression and has got it in her head that this is the only solution. I dont think its as much about us anymore.
MrMayI Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 i'm sorry to read your story, and i don't want to seem cynical, but i think you really need to grasp the idea that you absolutely ARE breaking up. read over just about any of these threads, and you'll see how it typically ends. 180 is good, if only for you. it's just not possible for you right now, believe me i know, but you have to slap a smile on your face, pick yourself up, and start moving. not saying move on, but just move. go to the gym, reacquaint yourself with old friends, family, church, whatever you can do to keep your mind somewhere else. don't lose your job. please.
phineas Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Someone who says their 100% commited to the marriage then moves out is contradicting themselves. My wife didn't want a divorce either & told me she wanted to fix our marriage AFTER she moved out. There was someone else. She was trying to see if she could make it work with him.
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Dude I would start looking into a lawyer right now. Because a woman like this isnt marriage material to me, and she's leaving because she knows it... She's had drug problems, depresssion problems, had an EA for for 2.5 yrs, and is currently fighting and attraction to woman so she may be a closet homosexual on top of the other issues? WTF and you want to remain married? Dude if someone says they want to work it out they DONT leave. dude next thing she'll be telling you is she loves you but not in love, then you find out she's getting too close to her female friend. You need to detach, dont contact her and 180, start preparing for the eventuality that you will divorce! good luck to you.
Author Kornfused Posted October 5, 2009 Author Posted October 5, 2009 You guys were very much correct. She had actually already been drinking and hiding it. As soon as she moved out she did some things that I had already told her I would not stand for and tried to hide it and lied about it. So I told her it was over about a month ago and she has been begging to come home ever since. She got sober almost 2 weeks ago but thats pretty irrelevant to me. I actually think getting back together would be detrimental to her recovery. Im not very good at not taking lies and betrayal personally even if it is done behind an addiction so having a very resentful hurt husband would only make her feel ****tier. I just dont want to live in sadness and paranoia any more. I love her but I dont know if we could ever be happy again. Maybe in a few years if she has gotten real healthy and doesnt feel like we need to be together then maybe then. But I cant live around that long shot. Thanks for the replies guys.
Recommended Posts