tx_bulldog Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I never have realized how clueless I am about women and dating until now. This girl and I have been dating non exclusively for about a month now...but were kind of messing around before that for another month. We were friends first and have been friends for 10 months. We've always been attracted to each other, but she had a boyfriend previously. Once they broke up, I was the first person she called. Here's the thing...she tells me I'm perfect, but that she's scared to be in a relationship because she got screwed over twice. Her last boyfriend dumped her...and before that relationship, she was actually married...her husband cheated on her. So now here I am...the trustworthy friend who is kind of just waiting for her to get over her demons. Part of me believes that she is scared because who would want to make themselves vulnerable after that? Also, she's been drunk once and told me she hated herself for not having the balls to do what she feels is right. When I called her out on it, she cussed me out and started to cry saying I have no idea what she's been through. At the same time, since we are dating non exclusively...she does go out on dates with other guys. I try to date others, but really...my heart isn't into it and I find myself just kind of waiting around for her...pathetic I know. But I'm only interested in her and I don't want to use others as filler space. Sometimes I think that I'm slowing her down and maybe even making her uninterested because I'm not a challenge and always be available. I guess I do this because 1) i want to win her trust 2) I'd rather do nothing with her than something with anyone else. So ladies, what do you think? Should I run? Should I put some distance between us? Should I still be attentive and go at her pace? Just some more info, we do see each other a lot...about 5 days out of the week. When I say she dates, she may go to dinner once every other week or so, but she's always definitely around. She's usually the one that initiates the hanging out as well. Also, I have told her that I adored her and I just wanted to be with her so kind of put my cards on the table already. She told me she likes me and is attracted to me, but at this time, she can't be in a relationship due to her fears. And if she were to be with anyone, it would be with me. I did tell her that we'll go at her pace and also told her we probably should not have sex anymore because it seems she feels guilty the day after and I don't want her to be bothered by any of my actions. But the more I think about it, the more I wonder if me being too available makes things dull and less interesting. I keep reading that human nature is to want what we can't have. I've also read that girls love drama and love to be challenged and that's why they watch soap operas and romantic novels. And that's why girls always go for the bad boys and nice boys never win. Like I said...I'm clueless!
New Again Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 She's using you for emotional support, comfort, etc. Maybe not intentionally, but fact remains it sounds like that's what's going on. If she wanted to be with you, she would be, so the sooner you stop making excuses for her and hoping things change, the sooner you can move on with your life and find someone who DOES want to be with you. Once you find that girl you'll realize that past relationships and so on aren't used by her as a roadblock to committing to you.
BCCA Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Not that I have all the answers, but one thing I've learned is that when words and actions dont match up, something is wrong. She says she's scared of relationships, but goes out on dates. That doesnt match up. What I think is happening is that you are a nice guy, who she can feel confident likes her, and shes using you for moral support and an ego boost (probably not intentionally) but this arrangement almost never leads to anything more. When people want you, they make it happen. When they dont, they make roadblocks. You need to stop being there for her, and start worrying about yourself. Date other people, shes not going to be the one for you.
loveslife Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I agree with the previous two responses. Plus I'll add something else. I recognized recently that in a few relationships I have fallen in love with potential. And then I'd wait for that potential to be realized. It's apparently a very common thing to do. It's also a good way to waste years of your life waiting for someone else to be healed/available/ready. Often these people will do things that offer the promise of what you've been dreaming of and a few elements of compatibility. My new thing is, if the guy's not ready for a relationship now, in words and actions, then I need to look elsewhere. You can't heal this girl. What you can do is look inside yourself and figure out why you want to spend time healing someone else who is clearly not committed to getting better. Remember that all relationships merely mirror something in us. It all begins and ends with us. If you were truly available emotionally you would not be able to exist in a relationship with her.
Devil Inside Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 TX...what do you want? If you want an exclusive relationship with this woman then you need to set a boundary. You've told her...she said no...so why are you still with her. You have shown her that you really won't stand behind what you want. Maybe you like to be just a friend...but it sounds like it is hard for you. I would tell her that you really like her, but you want more, if she can't give you that you should end it now before you get really hurt.
neophreak Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I was in a similar situation, it's no fun at all. Although you may feel strongly about her and she does/says the right things at the moment, it's a dead end street emotionally. Take the advice of others and move on.
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