Must work with Co-Worker

[workingitout]

I just found this forum and am finding it very helpful. I don't know all the terms so bare with me on that.

 

Briefly, My H had an EA with a co-worker for about 2 months. He has known her for many years, and crossed the line one day when he told her he was not happy about her discussing her dates with him. I found out about it when I found over 100 texts on the phone bill. Called him up, he denied it for a second then came clean. We met at home and talked calmly for hours before he decided to leave me. He refused counseling. I was devasted to say the least. He stayed at a local hotel that night. The next day from work he offered to go out to dinner with me and the kids. We went out and afterwards talked some more and he agreed to counseling. He said the night before was the worst night ever. No doubt.

 

Mind you, I didn't insist on NC at this time. Just asked that he go to MC and keep it professional. We went on vacation together and things seemed better. The MC had made a point on our first visit that there must be a loss --whether it be her or me. I agreed but H waffled wondering why it couldn't go back to friends. It was the following weekend when I found the pre-paid cell phone in his briefcase.

 

Needless to say, it was not such a calm discussion this time. I told him to get out. Go be with her if that's what he wants. He cannot have his cake and eat it too. For hours he sat, hand in hands, while I told him to leave, because if you stay there will be rules. He said they loved eachother. But in the end, after about 6-7 hours of sitting in a room, crying. He stood up and said he cannot do it. All he thought about while making his decision was how "pretty" she was. I told him he was shallow. He agreed. He said I am goign to commit to you and the family now. I will do whatever you ask. He just asked that I do 2 things: Do not call OW & to let him tell me everything in detail (it was like he was reading this board!). I agreed. Other than some kissing (all done at work), it was all emotional. He agreed to call her in my presence. She hung up the first time, but I insisted he call her back again so she knew it was over. She yelled at him and hung up again. I told him that's it, she doesn't want to hear you. it's over. Then we ceremoniously put the pre-paid cell on the road and ran it over until it was destroyed. That night we both felt sick to our stomachs.

 

Since then (It's been 2 months- I guess I call my dday when I found the cell, but it really was a month before that) things have been quite wonderful. Better than before. Different. He calls EVERY break and we go out to lunch every day. He reports any "sightings" or "e-mails" at work. He doesn' have to have too much contact with her since they work in different departments. But once a month there is a meeting with him, OW and a handful of other people. The first meeting after dday, he told me it was weird/awkward, but was fine otherwise. OW did text him right after dday call to his work e-mail (he told me) with some cryptic message about why she hung up. He asked what he should do...I asked if she asked him a question in that text and he said no. So, I said delete it..she is just trying to get a rise out of him (my thought, anyway). She did it again a few days after that, and he says he did the same thing-delete-no response. Now, he says, she seems to avoid him because he hardly sees her.

 

Now, as I said, 2+ months later, he sometimes sees her in the hall or in lunchroom. He tells me the romantic feeling have gone, but he still misses her friendship, but he knows it can never happen. I don't fault him for that. All I have is his word. I still snoop, but there is nothing to find. We spend tons of time together. I have to keep reminding myself HE CHOSE ME. That helps, but I still get anxious. Especially when he is at work. I talk to him about it frequently and he re-assures me. We have great communication now.

 

Now, a question...Has anyone had their WS continue to work in the same building (not close proximity) as the OP and be able to move on? We have discussed him leaving but the job market is poor here AND he would never make the $$ he is making anywhere else (we've looked) and be able to meet our budget (even if we cut back). I wonder if I will ever feel less anxious when he goes to work months or years from now? Can it be done?

 

Sorry this is so long, but letting this out has helped a lot. I know I am in the early stages of this and, overall, things will get better.

[MadMission]

I think it CAN be done if:

 

*your WH willingly reports any/all contact with OW when it happens, why it happened, and what was exchanged between them, and how he felt.

 

*the OW knows that your WH is off limits to her...that they are DONE...that he wants NOTHING to do with her beyond pure business.

 

*he willingly, actively avoids all contact with her, except if necessary for business and/or an accidental passing in the hall, parking lot, or cafeteria. In these cases, there is to be NO conversation between them...no eye contact or exchange of warm smiles and hello's...sorry, but unacceptable.

 

*you WH continues to consistantly assure you, in words and actions, that you are the ONLY ONE for him, you are wanted, desired, and that he is happy of have been given a second chance.

 

Over time, and without a breach in any of the above, you will begin to feel safe again. It is going to take time for your WH to PROVE that his undying love and committment belongs to YOU.

 

My WH also works with OW, not directly, but different departments.

The ONLY thing I asked of him after d-day, and it wasn't even until about 6 months after d-day, was to TELL me if/when he had ANY kind of contact with OW. It was KILLING me that everyday he left for work, I never knew if he saw her, chatted with her, e-mailed her, etc. I never knew if/when her feelings for him would rekindle...as I already knew he still loved her. My WH also wanted to remain friends with OW. He wanted the freedom to have 'fun' with her in a friendly way and also did not want to hurt her feelings by ignoring her. Well, I found it IMPOSSIBLE to regain trust and I never felt safe because he NEVER reported EVER having contact of any kind with her....which is IMPOSSIBLE. So, he continued to keep secrets from me...OW secrets.

Needless to say, we were never able to R...for this reason, as well as other mis-managements of the aftermath on his part.

 

I hope it works out for you.

It's really up to your WH to do things the 'right' way here.

[2sunny]

personally, i think he needs to change jobs. why?

 

because there will come a day when you two won't be having that strong connection... it's inevitable - she will wait - and when that day comes - she will be there - and he will feel justified in reaching out to her.

 

no contact! if he's unwilling to sever any and all ways of seeing/communicating with her it will never work in the long run... she will always be "waiting" for that weak moment to make her move... and believe me - she will smell it from 3,000 miles away... guaranteed.

 

is he willing to change jobs, even move far away?

 

personally - i think his reaction and her reaction says that this was more than an EA. he hasn't told you the whole truth - i guarantee it. he's probably waiting for you to settle down so he can continue to hide it and have her on the side. are you doing any counseling now?

[workingitout]

*your WH willingly reports any/all contact with OW when it happens, why it happened, and what was exchanged between them, and how he felt.

 

- he does this now. Thankfully.

 

*the OW knows that your WH is off limits to her...that they are DONE...that he wants NOTHING to do with her beyond pure business.

 

- this is one thing that he never got to say to her (since she kept hanging up). We assume she knows because she avoids him as much as possible (as does he). We all agreed in MC that if she sends him anything else or attempts any contact other than business, he will write an "approved" e-mail explaining the details. For now, I am comfortable knowing she is staying away.

 

*he willingly, actively avoids all contact with her, except if necessary for business and/or an accidental passing in the hall, parking lot, or cafeteria. In these cases, there is to be NO conversation between them...no eye contact or exchange of warm smiles and hello's...sorry, but unacceptable.

 

- H did admit to slipping up once when coming into the building once. He admitted he asked her if she was doing overtime. He said she said YES and kept walking. I was kind of pissed at him when he told me, but he says he knows it was a mistake and will not happen again.

 

*you WH continues to consistantly assure you, in words and actions, that you are the ONLY ONE for him, you are wanted, desired, and that he is happy of have been given a second chance.

 

- His does this. And I consistantly tell him I need it. The MC drove this one home in a session once.

 

 

 

We have discussed changing locations and jobs, and I know our marriage and family is our number one priority, but it is impossible since we are in poor financial staights as it is. We both have good seniority and pay, and it would make us homeless if one of us left our jobs. I know that isn't so important, but with kids, it scares me.

 

I just hope, since that's all I can do, he can transfer (an option, but no internal jobs have come up in months) or she will transfer..or quit. I know from H that she is on thin ice at work due to work related issues with oher co-workers. She had told H (before dday) that if things didn't work out she would "disappear" as not to make things uncomfortable (how sweet). She was also concerned that I may go to their work and make a scene, she was very very concerned about that.

 

For now, aside from bad days for me here and there, things are progressively getting better. If anything changes, I will let those who may be in a similar scenario know.

 

Thanks again for all your help. Keep it coming!

[2sunny]

have you pushed for answers as to how involved they were? i guarantee he was intimately physical with her... if he's unwilling to tell you the whole truth - he's just kidding himself on how much your M can recover.

 

the actions of your H and his OW state clearly that this was much more than an EA.

 

if he's unwilling to tell ALL of the truth - there is no healing that can be done - it's still just a cover up.

[workingitout]

2sunny - he told me everything. I beleive that. He told me they kissed at work a few times in private. We drive to work together, and I can see his paycheck, so I know when he has had time off. He freely admitted that they discussed getting together more intimitly(sp), but he said there was never an opportunity since I was always there (picking him up at work).

 

I can tell when he is not telling me the truth...he has always been bad at it. He can decieve me, as he did, because I never questioned anything...as soon as I did, he gave it up. Unless he has been perfecting his deception/lying (it has crossed my mind), I beleive him.

 

In fact, today, we were talking about it on our way in to work and he said "everytime I think of what could have been (choosing to leave and be with her), I thinks it's impossible and cannot imagine ever living without you and the kids". Re-assurance like that gets me through the day.

[2sunny]

ok... so it wasn't just an EA. he has admitted to physical contact with her - at work even.

 

so if they had physical contact at work and found the opportunity to do so - i would be inclined to demand he not work with her any longer. money is one thing; marriage is another. especially if the contact was at work - i would say - NO MORE - even if it meant i had to be homeless.

[workingitout]

I guess I was looking for comparable situations that I can relate to like MadMission. Anyone on here still have a WS working with the OP? Does it get easier? Can it work out if rules are followed?

 

I know what should be done...

[2sunny]

I know what should be done...

 

what is it that should be done... ???

[foreal]

Workingitout:

 

My H works in the same dept as MOW...but like your H, they are not in close proximity...they seldom see each other. And when they have he tells me right away.

 

i am 4 months out from Dday by the way. I would like for him to NOT work there at all, or at least be in a different dept. however, like you, times are tough and we need his income.

 

So we are similar so far...

 

until......

 

Why did he not send her a no contact letter? So she hung up? So what? He still needs to send her the NC letter- otherwise the opening is still there. (My H did send the NC letter which brought OW storming into his office- he told her the letter said it all, now leave..she did, in a huff)

 

but WTF is with your H missing OW's 'friendship'? HUH? She is not a friend to him or your M. I agree with the other posters, your H is still covering his ass. Just b/c you drive him to/from work and check his pay stubbs doesn't mean they did not (or still cannot) find a way to get together.

 

Where did they find the time and place to kiss during the A!!? Where there's a will, there is a way- to talk, to kiss, to screw...

 

Something is not adding up...he says he loved her, now he doesn't, yet he wants to be friends...

[MadMission]

workingitout,

 

I think, if your H really truely adheres to that list in my previous post, that things could work out OK.

It's very hard on you. I totally understand that because I was in the same situation. It's brutal.

My H did NONE of the things on that list...they were missing...and that is how I know what I needed...and what would have made it possible for trust and safety to be restored.

 

Watch your H carefully for ANY changes in his attitude or demeanor.

If something seems odd, ask him immediately to tell you what's up...why the change.

 

It IS a risk having them continuing even the slightest bit of contact...especially if it was a deeply emotional A.

And, it may always trouble you that they work 'together.'

And, maybe it will get to a point where some kind of job change will need to be made to reduce your anxiety.

 

Do not ever feel bad that you continue to have a hard time with this.

This is NOT YOUR fault.

It's just more of the fallout from HIS infidelity...and if it turns out that you need to take some steep financial losses in order to fully restore your sense of security and trust...then so be it. Do it...without guilt...do not feel bad or weak or something.

It is totally understandable.

[NoIDidn't]

workingitout

 

My H's EA sounds similar to yours, not entirely, but some.

 

They worked together, but in separate buildings. Yet, my H had to correspond with her several times a day, so not being in the same building didn't change anything.

 

My H insisted that I not call the OW too. I didn't initially, but did when I found out that he was lying to me about contact. He promised me that he wouldn't speak to her unless necessary, and yet was still speaking to her even when out of the country! So I called her and her boyfriend. Whatever residual feelings they had evaporated in the light of day after that.

 

The biggest problem I had was of him telling me about contact when it happened - not several days after it happened. I knew several people in the office and they confirmed for me that he wasn't seeking the contact, she was literally cornering him ( and then bragging about it later )). So, I dropped that and told him that I trusted him to do the right thing and he if he couldn't he knew what the consequences would be.

 

I didn't do the NC letter. I think that's lame unless you have proof that the person is harassing in their contact. Eventually he told her on his own that their contact was inappropriate and had to cease.

 

It took some time, and her being moved to a different department, but contact dwindled down from about once a week, to once a month, to nothing in about three months. But his OW also was trying to save her relationship, so she probably wasn't interested in an EA anymore either.

 

What I am trying to say is you and he will get tired of whatever rules you put in place. You don't want to turn into his warden. I was never more annoyed than when I got the phonecalls from well-meaning friends I made at his job that called to tell me when their was contact (she told everyone she could after I called her boyfriend). If he is committed to your M and your MC is good enough (like ours was) to help him see his error in this and he wants to make changes, you won't have to put all those rules in place.

[Owl]

There are two major reasons that I can see for this being a major, major issue.

 

First is on his side. While the affair may end NOW, working in close proximity always leaves the door open for the affair to resume later when things have "cooled down". Even if they INTEND to stay away from each other, working together like this just greatly increases the odds of the affair resuming.

 

Second is on your side. How can YOU possibly rebuild/regain your trust in your husband knowing that he's going to work everyday near her? Knowing that every single day, it's possible that today could be the day that they slip up and resume the affair...and you would have no true way of knowing if they did or didn't. A single email, a single IM across the work services...a single stop down the hall or in the other building to see each other...and it's off to the races again. And you're somehow expected to regain your trust in him throughout all of this?!?!?!

 

Is it possible that a marriage can actually recover in this situation? Yes. Is it likely? Not at all, in my opinion.

[workingitout]

I didn't know about any NC letter until I joined this forum. If there has not been any contact for 2.5 months, is it really necesary? I have said if she makes any more attempts to contact him, he would then send it out. She has not. I have straight-out told him I cannot go through this again, so if he has any doubt that he wants to be with me, he needs to leave so I can move on. He says he never will hurt me again and understands how it is hard to trust him. He swears up and down it's only me he wants. I can see it in his eyes and actions that he is being truthful. He has already given me full disclosure on eveything, probably more than I wanted to know. We are going to talk tonight about the job thing. He has a great job, so I wonder if he will resent me if he leaves it. I know what you are all going to say..."tough". But, we seem so happy now (aside from my boughts of anxiety-which have gotten better over time) and I fear this will rock the boat and he will then become unhappy staying at home or working at a crappy job (that's all that is out there).

 

Isn't it all a matter of trust? That's all I have at this point. It's growing

 

Understandably, this is probably not the place to get re-assurance of our situation. But, all your words have been helpful and I thank you.

[NoIDidn't]

My only reason for going against my H's wishes and contacting his co-worker former OW, was because I wasn't getting the truth from him and I knew it (concerning continued contact even though the EA was basically over).

 

I decided to call her boyfriend only after she confirmed for me that they had been in contact that day.

 

You might have to contact her if you don't feel that you are getting the absolute truth from him. I told her the only thing that I wanted to know was if she had spoken to him recently (he was out of the country) and she hesitated at first, but confirmed that she had just hours before.

 

You are right, in that, all you have is trust right now. But make sure that some of it is in yourself more than anything. I had to learn that part for myself.

 

I believe it is possible for them to work together after the end of an A, so long as they don't work closely together or report to each other. My situation had none of those things, so contact dwindled down to nothing.

[five&dime]

Hey Workingitout...sorry you're going through this, but I'm glad you found this board.

 

You wanted to hear from people who've gone through, or are still going through, similar experiences of spouses still working with their AP (affair partner). Well, I'm your Huckleberry. Many know my story, and I've certainly been taken to task on this board (and cleanly eviscerated by many!) for my own mishandling of my own situation, which I'm still dealing with 14 months after D-Day. Most of my mishandling, like yours, was born out of simple fear of making a mistake coupled with the financial realities of this economy and the need for both incomes.

 

My WW still works with OM. It was (is) an EA (emotioanl affair) that I'll never know for sure didn't also go PA (physical affair). Your situation is both EA/PA.

 

These are my own opinions based on my own very similar experiences:

 

As long as they have ANY contact, the affair continues. You say you can tell when your WH is lying now and that you always could because he's a bad liar.

 

Question: The first time they kissed, did you know when he came home that earlier in the day your husband had just made out with a woman at work? No? Well, that’s because he's actually a GOOD liar.

 

How about the second time they made out? Did you know then? No? Well, why not?

 

You said you discovered the A (AFFAIR!!) when you noticed 100+ texts on his cellphone. Did you know after your WH (wayward husband) sent is first text to the woman he was "making time" with at work that he’d just texted her? Did you know after the 5th text? The 25th? The 100th? No? Why do you think that is?

 

IT’S BECAUSE YOUR HUSBAND IS A GOOD LIAR!

 

Sorry to come off a little blunt here, but I just want you to understand what you're saying or trying to convince yourself of here. Did you know about the pre-paid cell phone? No? Why? (see above).

 

Yet NOW you have the ability to know 100% whether he's telling you the truth at all times. If you took a poll of the folks reading your story here and asked them whether they believe your husband is absolutely going to tell you 100% of EVERYTHING...every contact, every sighting, email, glance, smile...how do you think they would vote?

 

Do you actually believe your husband has told you everything? Do you actually believe their A lasted just two short months when these two lovebirds have worked together for YEARS? (My WW and Mr. Dreamy Co-worker have worked together for 7 years).

 

And the sad reality is that your husband's little work-spouse isn't the cute new girl in accounting; there's a real solid foundation to their relationship built on YEARS of contact. In my opinion--and experience--this is much more serious than you are allowing yourself to believe.

 

I understand your fear here, and I understand your hoping that everything is going to be okay. You and I are certainly different because, for me, it's always been torturous to know that my WW has continued contact with the person she BETRAYED me and our family (two small kids) with. I don't understand how you can truly have any peace of mind while knowing that your WH has any contact with the woman he BETRAYED you for, the woman he LIED to you about repeatedly (and for way more than 2 short little months, I guarantee you!), the woman he repeatedly made-out with (imho - whatever number of times he gave you that they "kissed"...just multiply by, I don't know, 3? 10? Who knows? Like he's really going to tell you the truth on that one.)

 

The bottom-line is your husband fell in love with this woman at work, carried on his A with her at work...and the two lovebirds are still working there together, regardless of what sort of proximity they have. Contact continues. And as long as ANY contact continues, the attraction is still there, even if it's dormant to some degree. And don't doubt the level of attraction here--if it was strong enough for him to BETRAY you and your family, then we're not talking your run-of-the-mill secret little office crush that is never acted on. This is the real deal.

 

Take it from someone who has/IS 100% in your shoes. If you allow them to continue working together, you're in for some serious heartache down the road. I firmly believe down to my core that you will NOT be okay with this in the long-run. Right now you’re bargaining with him, and with yourself, because you’re afraid and you want it to just go away.

 

This is not going anywhere. This monster will live on--either right in front of you or in its dark cave around the corner--until contact between your husband and the woman he made-out with (is that all they did?) numerous times (twice? ten times? 50 times?) is 100% severed forever.

 

Deep in his heart, he still loves her.

 

Deep in her heart, she still loves him.

 

Deep in your heart, you know it's true.

 

Sorry if this is brutal. Maybe I'm wrong. I hope I am. I'm just talking from experience. Read "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. William Harley TODAY. Go to the bookstore and get it...TODAY.

 

I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. It’s not your fault. Remember that. It’s not your fault. Keep posting, okay?

 

Good luck.

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[gettingoverit719]

My story sounds a lot like yours. My D-day will be two years next month. My H affair lasted two months also. My husband didn't quit his job. We also have children. It's easy for people to tell you to have your H quit if you want to save your marriage, but not always realistic. With the economy people are lucky to have jobs, insurance ect... Honestly two months really isn't a lot of time. I think I spent the first six months in a state of depression. I put on a happy face to the world outside. It has taken me probably the first year and a half to really feel like our marriage can and will work. I rode an emotional rollercoaster. I think maybe your H is trying by spending lunches with you, and calling on breaks. That is a step in the right direction. It shows you that he wants you to know what he is doing during his free time. But, your H needs to figure out what caused him to stray in the first place. And you need to let it be known what is and isn't allowed period! I know your happy that your H chose you. But remember he chose you when he married you in the first place. Your H should be thanking god that you chose to stay with him. Good luck to both of you.

[jany]

Five&dime is dead on. I have stopped my A with my co-worker about nine months ago and we still work together and the attraction is still there. If you have read my previous postings, you would know that it's something that I have been struggling with - getting over my co-worker. As long as we see each other every day at work, it is extremely hard to get over. We are no longer close physically, but we can't just forget the intimacy that we once shared. I am not sure if the A still continues as long as we work together a Five&dime claimed, but the attraction doesn't just go away - at least not for me.

[Dexter Morgan]

Five&dime is dead on. I have stopped my A with my co-worker about nine months ago and we still work together and the attraction is still there.

 

and why are you still working there and disrespecting your husband by doing so?

 

why aren't you looking for another job? dont give me the economy crap either....you still keep looking.

[jany]

Dexter: You love to jump to conclusion. How do you know I have stopped looking? Geez.. and the "economy is crap" is the reason why I haven't gotten anything. It is valid reason especially one who has two mortgages.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter: You love to jump to conclusion. How do you know I have stopped looking?

 

well if you are looking, apparantly you aren't looking hard enough. Are you sending out at least one resume every 2 weeks?

 

Your husband should be asking, "what have you done for me lately?"

[ArtAsylumBoy]

You can always do what I did when I found out my wife was screwing one of her employees: Call their voice-mail and tell them you'll be waiting at their job to kill them.

My wife's boyfriend ended up calling out that day. So I left him another message telling him I could keep it up as long as he could. He quit the next day and moved out of the state. He liked to brag that "Danger" was his middle name. Heh... I find "Shirley" a little more appropriate... Yep... That's the guy she left me for... What a man...

[schewter]

Not to TJ but did you see the second reply to this thread?? 'Member what I was saying earlier about the "cynicism" and the example I provided? Happens every time...