john1988 Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I know it shouldn't still bother me but I'm having a bad day and I'm still upset by some of the unnecessary hurtful things my ex said to me after we broke up. An apology from her I think would go a long way although that sounds crazy. These things were far too close to the bone and still hurt me. I kind of wish I never met her, I just really want my confidence back. I don't know what I want from this post, it's kind of pathetic, I just want someone to turn round and say she didn't mean it. Anyone with similar problems?
DustySaltus Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 John, I've been all over the place this past week. Saturday, I was doing really well and was actually supposed to go on a date with a real prospect, only for her to flake out and pretty much ruin my mood. Then Sunday I was thinking about the X alot and I just relationships in general, just basically cursing them. Then on Monday the phone starts ringing again, set up a few dates, went out on one last night. Things are going well....guess who tries and contact me, yep the X. "Oh, I miss you (because i've been NC for a while now), we ended things badly"....no response from me. No apology STILL from her. And I don't think either one of us are going to get it. The key is don't let your highs get too high or your lows too low. Stay grounded and when you are feeling down, you will think about her but just fight the urge. I want my X to think I'm fine and "out there" again, even if I just got stood up
Author john1988 Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 John, I've been all over the place this past week. Saturday, I was doing really well and was actually supposed to go on a date with a real prospect, only for her to flake out and pretty much ruin my mood. Then Sunday I was thinking about the X alot and I just relationships in general, just basically cursing them. Then on Monday the phone starts ringing again, set up a few dates, went out on one last night. Things are going well....guess who tries and contact me, yep the X. "Oh, I miss you (because i've been NC for a while now), we ended things badly"....no response from me. No apology STILL from her. And I don't think either one of us are going to get it. The key is don't let your highs get too high or your lows too low. Stay grounded and when you are feeling down, you will think about her but just fight the urge. I want my X to think I'm fine and "out there" again, even if I just got stood up It's difficult Dusty, the down's seem to be plenty just now, (sorry to hear about your date by the way.) It's hard always putting up a front, sometimes I feel like writing a pathetic email, I mean what have I got to lose? My self respect? I lost that awhile back haha. She is so stubborn, I think she thinks she will turn into dust if she says sorry but it really would help me out. I guess I'm too sensitive but I wouldn't waste my time bringing someone down especially if I did the dumping.
Exit Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I feel the same way. My ex let me take 100% of the blame for everything that happened. I still want her back, but at this point I think I'd settle for just having her talk to me and and finally admit to what part she played in our relationship failing. I try to be logical and remind myself that it takes two to succeed and two to fail, but when the other person isn't ready to admit that, and allows you to carry all the blame, it's hard to live with yourself.
Author john1988 Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 I feel the same way. My ex let me take 100% of the blame for everything that happened. I still want her back, but at this point I think I'd settle for just having her talk to me and and finally admit to what part she played in our relationship failing. I try to be logical and remind myself that it takes two to succeed and two to fail, but when the other person isn't ready to admit that, and allows you to carry all the blame, it's hard to live with yourself. It's strange because some people will ask "What difference does it make it's over?" but it would definitely give me some sort of satisfaction. Thing is I'm sure she thinks I hate her and I sense guilt whenever she contacts me, I'm glad though she should feel bad, why should I ease her woes? It may sound childish but that's how I feel.
Excellent Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 An apology from my ex would go a long way indeed. But if i were you, i would not expect one. I had a huge row with my ex a month ago, even if it's close to 10 months since the break. And the relationship only lasted 2-3 months. And i said straight out to her, that it was not her leaving me that hurt me the most, but how she treated me right before and after. Did i get an apology? Nah. There is no remorse, she blamed her way of treating me on her issues and somehow managed to make me look like the bad one for everything. The fight lasted like 2 hours, but i never even once saw her take blame for anything, nor admitting any faults. So, i would not count on it In their minds, they are perfect, and you are not. They did nothing wrong, and you did everything wrong. So don't go hunting after something i'm pretty sure you won't get, it will lead to nothing. Selfishness is a wonderfull thing. Oh, and don't ask why i still was in contact with her after all that time, it's a very long story
CaliGuy Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I know it shouldn't still bother me but I'm having a bad day and I'm still upset by some of the unnecessary hurtful things my ex said to me after we broke up. An apology from her I think would go a long way although that sounds crazy. These things were far too close to the bone and still hurt me. I kind of wish I never met her, I just really want my confidence back. I don't know what I want from this post, it's kind of pathetic, I just want someone to turn round and say she didn't mean it. Anyone with similar problems? Well, John, let me explain what I did. And trust me, the woman that got me here broke me pretty hard so that the second time, though I was hurt, it was not nearly as bad and my confidence right now is through the roof. 1. I work out, a lot. I look better now at 40 than I did at 22. And having the cashier at the store tell me I look "yummy" didn't hurt 2. I worked a LOT on my own issues. Reading "No More Mr Nice Guy" (Glover) helped a lot, but so did books like "Boundaries" (Cloud/Townsend) as well. 3. You have to learn to love rejection. I don't mean seek it out, but expect it to happen because not everyone you meet is going to like you, period. 20% will never like you, 20% always will so it's that 60% in-between you need to work on. And they're always looking for a reason to say NO! (not yes) So remember that. 4. You gotta learn to not give a frak what people think of you! You have to look inward for approval. 5. Do things that scare you. Yes, I mean "SKYDIVING" or something similar that scares the crap out of you. The quickest way to build confidence is to overcome your fears. For me it was racing motorcycles. Once I did that (and I even made it semi-pro) there was nothing that could stop me. Funny thing is, I always pick the most beautiful women out in the crowd and talk to them. I figure if I can talk to them confidently and not act like a complete jacka$$ then I'll be confident talking to ANYONE. Got me?! OH! And the most important thing. NOBODY ON THIS PLANET is responsible for your wants, needs and happiness. That is YOUR responsibility. So don't think someone is going to pick you up off the floor and dust you off. Only YOU can do that. So to get your confidence up, you need to start somewhere and start NOW. Cheers.
crzi Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Caliguy- Very good points! It's time to focus! Bring back that smile and sky high confidence that we once had!
Author john1988 Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 Great advice Caliguy I will give it my best shot, you're right I'm the only person who can snap myself out of this and to be fair I'm not really doing much about it. I will take your ideas and see how they work out for me.
adamt Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 To help get your confidence back the best way is to work out and get fit and lean! in 6 weeks i have lost about 7lbs(probably lost over 10lbs in 3 months). body fat has gone down from 33% to 24% (about 18lbs fat lost) eat proper food. I'm 38 so age is no barrier. Buy new slimmer clothes, get a new hair cut. get out in the fresh air doing lots of hiking/cycling. do things you always wanted to do and make you feel good after. Do stuff where you mingle with groups of people. get out of the house as much as possible. Sitting at home will just make you more sad. get busy so you have a full schedule. Its a good feeling when you are struggling to fit all your plans in Get some motivation. This will give you direction in life and show that you are incontrol of yourself
Tayla Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Caliguy, words of wisdom and experience. Well said and well done. John- Sometimes we are our own worse enemy. Accept that you are going to ebb and flow. Some days will be resilient, other days will dive you to the depths of doubt and maybe loathing yourself or the other person. Yes being ACTIVE in MIND and BODY can move you forward quicker. I don't recommend major workouts or thinking that maybe you needed to be more physically fit in order to be respected or regarded. That just isn't how love or relationships work. Dive into new experiences, its your life and an opportunity to grow!
JLT123 Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 A year ago, I had at least 2 women in my stable including the ex. I only loved the ex, though. When she decided to end things, I was an utter mess. She's met someone else now, and my self-esteem has become a shadow of it's formal self. I don't care about anything that I had a passion for before, only her. I've slept with 3 different women in the past 4 months and it hasn't helped.. the only thing that has helped is meeting someone that is, from a personality standpoint, better than the ex, and I even have to force myself to believe she's better from that aspect (even that I know she is) The only thing I can suggest, and it's hypocritical because I don't follow the same advice, is to stop putting her on a pedestal.. stop making her all encompasing.. try and remember everything that annoyed you about her.. your head will understand, but your heart won't.. it's a daily process I resign myself to everyday, otherwise I will do something stupid.
Tayla Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 A year ago, I had at least 2 women in my stable including the ex. I only loved the ex, though. When she decided to end things, I was an utter mess. She's met someone else now, and my self-esteem has become a shadow of it's formal self. I don't care about anything that I had a passion for before, only her. I've slept with 3 different women in the past 4 months and it hasn't helped.. the only thing that has helped is meeting someone that is, from a personality standpoint, better than the ex, and I even have to force myself to believe she's better from that aspect (even that I know she is) The only thing I can suggest, and it's hypocritical because I don't follow the same advice, is to stop putting her on a pedestal.. stop making her all encompasing.. try and remember everything that annoyed you about her.. your head will understand, but your heart won't.. it's a daily process I resign myself to everyday, otherwise I will do something stupid. JLT! I absolutely had to step back and finally find some humor in your post. Hopefully you arent implying you are hung like something , in order to have two ladies in your "stable"?? Ohh my word! Say three Hail Marys and stop sleeping around...it does you no good. Okay onto reality- This is Johns post and Caliguy gave advice that seems to apply to you to. Read up on the ideas!
Lish Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 It's difficult Dusty, the down's seem to be plenty just now, (sorry to hear about your date by the way.) It's hard always putting up a front, sometimes I feel like writing a pathetic email, I mean what have I got to lose? My self respect? I lost that awhile back haha. She is so stubborn, I think she thinks she will turn into dust if she says sorry but it really would help me out. I guess I'm too sensitive but I wouldn't waste my time bringing someone down especially if I did the dumping. I feel the same way. My ex let me take 100% of the blame for everything that happened. I still want her back, but at this point I think I'd settle for just having her talk to me and and finally admit to what part she played in our relationship failing. I try to be logical and remind myself that it takes two to succeed and two to fail, but when the other person isn't ready to admit that, and allows you to carry all the blame, it's hard to live with yourself. Good god. The two of you both need a good slap. Okay, firstly, there's nothing wrong with being sensitive. It's a good quality for a man to have. It honestly doesn't matter if your ex takes responsibility for his or her part in the breakdown. And I will tell you exactly why: - She MAY already know that she played a part in the breakdown. However, if she's too proud, stubborn or just no longer cares, you wont get her to admit it; this doesn't actually mean she doesn't know. - If she is in denial and honestly thinks she played no part, then this also shouldn't bother you. The reason being that if she's in denial, then that's her problem. If you're at peace with the part that YOU played in the breakdown of the relationship, then whether or not the other party accepts responsibility, you KNOW it wasn't your fault. I can't really think of a better example.. and it's late so here we go: The gold curtains in my room wont talk back to me, therefore if I say "you are gold" to them and they remain silent and do not accept that they are gold, it doesn't mean they are NOT gold - quite clearly they ARE... It's a weird example but it's as simple as that.. really, it is. You just need to accept the fact that just 'cause they wont admit it, does NOT mean they aren't to blame. Your relationships are sadly over, so please don't let this ridiculous blame game tear you down. Also, if your ex is blaming you for everything... then don't let it get to you. Aint your fault she's ignorant and as stupid as a dead crab. P.S: I apologise for using curtains to compare your relationship. And like I said, your relationships are over. Time to heal so you can be happy & move on
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