Absolutely Curtains Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I don't want to go into too many details, but I'll answer questions if there are any. I have this problem where when I break up with someone I'm pretty much over them, and they're pretty much still into me. Obviously the case is reversed when I get dumped, but I handle getting broken up with differently than the guys who I break up with do. Even though I feel like I'm being final, and I NEVER offer friendship, the guys keep trying to get me to change my mind, or "work it out." (Note, I've been lurking on this site enough to know about no contact.) Because of this, I stopped offering the details of why I'm breaking up with a bf, and started being more general when breaking up with him. But that sparks all kinds of questions, phone calls, letters, emails, etc. asking for why for closure...so finally I give it, thinking "great, I'd love to help him move on." And then he turns it into "Oh that's what it was? I'LL CHANGE!" So how do you break up with someone respectfully but in a final way? I'm so tired of break ups that drag on and on and on for months sometimes! I feel terrible for the (ex) bf, and on top of that, I feel like I can't move on with my own love life until that step is over with.
utterer of lies Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I don't want to go into too many details, but I'll answer questions if there are any. I have this problem where when I break up with someone I'm pretty much over them, and they're pretty much still into me. Obviously the case is reversed when I get dumped, but I handle getting broken up with differently than the guys who I break up with do. Even though I feel like I'm being final, and I NEVER offer friendship, the guys keep trying to get me to change my mind, or "work it out." (Note, I've been lurking on this site enough to know about no contact.) Because of this, I stopped offering the details of why I'm breaking up with a bf, and started being more general when breaking up with him. But that sparks all kinds of questions, phone calls, letters, emails, etc. asking for why for closure...so finally I give it, thinking "great, I'd love to help him move on." And then he turns it into "Oh that's what it was? I'LL CHANGE!" So how do you break up with someone respectfully but in a final way? I'm so tired of break ups that drag on and on and on for months sometimes! I feel terrible for the (ex) bf, and on top of that, I feel like I can't move on with my own love life until that step is over with. It's always your choice to let it drag on. Just ignore any attempts at contacting you, don't answer any emails, texts, phone calls....any sign or reply from your side is just an encouragement.
Author Absolutely Curtains Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 It's always your choice to let it drag on. Just ignore any attempts at contacting you, don't answer any emails, texts, phone calls....any sign or reply from your side is just an encouragement. Flipping out with a rant about all the things I can't stand about him and how we'll never ever date ever again, and requesting that he stop bugging the crap out of me is encouragement? Oh, and what about when he says he's coming over, so I respond saying "DON'T I WON'T BE HERE" (One of my problems in dating is I probably let the relationship drag on too long trying to work out the issues, until I just can't stand the guy anymore As I'm getting older and more mature and more experience I'm trying to figure out the right point to break up so that this doesn't happen anymore)
utterer of lies Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Flipping out with a rant about all the things I can't stand about him and how we'll never ever date ever again, and requesting that he stop bugging the crap out of me is encouragement? Yes. Anything else than ignoring him (calls, texts, IM..) or "I don't want to talk to you. Go away." (real-life) is. Oh, and what about when he says he's coming over, so I respond saying "DON'T I WON'T BE HERE" (One of my problems in dating is I probably let the relationship drag on too long trying to work out the issues, until I just can't stand the guy anymore As I'm getting older and more mature and more experience I'm trying to figure out the right point to break up so that this doesn't happen anymore) Seriously, try "I don't want to talk to you. Go away." then close the door. If he doesn't, call the police. Wishywashy doesn't work with obsessively broken-hearted people.
Author Absolutely Curtains Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 I appreciate the input Does anyone have any thoughts besides the no contact/ignore him route? I've been checking out this site long enough to realize that this advice could apply to my situation.
silic0ntoad Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 First, I'd say if you start to feel some type of way about something a BF is doing, approach them before you've reached breaking point. There is no need to hold onto something a BF or GF does until you can't stand them any more. That's cowardice. I'd say, pose a breakup with all the reasons, and finally, end it with, I am moving on. Don't contact me. End of story. Plus, if you bring problems up ahead of time, and they don't fix it, well, that makes it alot easier.
caramel c Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I still would be clear about the reason for the breakup, that you've made your decision, and that this is not up for negotiation. You wish them well in changing the things they want to change, but those changes are for themselves, not for you. Decline friendship. If they keep contacting you, tell them once that you do not think its best for either of you to stay in contact, and then place them on eternal ignore.
Author Absolutely Curtains Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 First, I'd say if you start to feel some type of way about something a BF is doing, approach them before you've reached breaking point. There is no need to hold onto something a BF or GF does until you can't stand them any more. That's cowardice. Oh I definitely do bring it up. I'm not talking about little things, I'm talking about things that are deal breakers for me if they persist. And I'm very clear with the bf about this. He agrees that he shouldn't treat me a certain way or do a certain thing or whatever, but then after a week it's the same old same old. So it keeps coming up until I'm like "OK, see ya." (Hence the "but this time I really mean it!! I can change!!" uhhh...no ya can't.) I'd say, pose a breakup with all the reasons, and finally, end it with, I am moving on. Don't contact me. End of story. Plus, if you bring problems up ahead of time, and they don't fix it, well, that makes it alot easier. Thanks this is what I'm looking for. Would this tactic work on you? I've found that giving specific reasons gives him the impression that it's open for discussion ("I can change"), when in fact it's not, and I tell him it's not. The bolded part makes me think that you haven't dealt with this before. Have you? If you have, can you share an experience where this happened to you and the other person said "OK you're right, I've been doing this over and over and you told me over and over, so I get it now" and that was the end of it? If so, please share what type of person s/he was, how long the relationship was, and what exactly you said to get this result?
Charmaine_Champagne Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 oh how i wish i was in your shoes, but i am at the opposite end
Author Absolutely Curtains Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 oh how i wish i was in your shoes, but i am at the opposite end Nice little fantasy about flipping the script on the guy who dumped you huh? So any thoughts on the OP? Since you're on the other end, maybe you could offer some good insight.
soheartbroken Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I love LS, but I think some of the advice here is pretty harsh. Maybe my perspective is different - my partner of 5 years ended it, living together for 4. I think you can be final about it while still being compassionate. The dumper will move on eventually - why should you have to be so harsh? Tell them the relationship is over, and there is no fixing it, no reconciliation. Why tell them that you can never be friends, that you'll never speak to them again? I think that adds insult to injury. And it burns bridges. Tell them you cannot be friends right now, and maybe not for a long time. Tell the dumpee that you both need space right now, and for quite some time, and that you will not respond to any attempts at reconciliation. I think you can answer emails about practical stuff that needs to be sorted out (moving, belongings, pets, etc.). AND BE PROMPT WHEN YOU RESPOND TO THESE KINDS OF EMAILS. So that they can move on without agonizing about hearing back from you. I don't think it's wrong to give them hope that one day down the road you may SPEAK again. Because you yourself don't even know the answer to that. If my GF had left me like some posters are suggesting, I would have contemplated killing myself.
New Again Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I agree with the above poster....the no contact thing that everyone pushes (black/white, no gray) is actually one of the two reasons I stay away from this forum.
silic0ntoad Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Oh I definitely do bring it up. I'm not talking about little things, I'm talking about things that are deal breakers for me if they persist. And I'm very clear with the bf about this. He agrees that he shouldn't treat me a certain way or do a certain thing or whatever, but then after a week it's the same old same old. So it keeps coming up until I'm like "OK, see ya." (Hence the "but this time I really mean it!! I can change!!" uhhh...no ya can't.) Thanks this is what I'm looking for. Would this tactic work on you? I've found that giving specific reasons gives him the impression that it's open for discussion ("I can change"), when in fact it's not, and I tell him it's not. The bolded part makes me think that you haven't dealt with this before. Have you? If you have, can you share an experience where this happened to you and the other person said "OK you're right, I've been doing this over and over and you told me over and over, so I get it now" and that was the end of it? If so, please share what type of person s/he was, how long the relationship was, and what exactly you said to get this result? I have dealt with this before, trust me. In this scenario, I told her once, I couldn't stand the constant flirting with other guys. I am a very sincere and honest person. I am also very confident. But constant flirting is unnecessary. She promised change, so I gave her a second chance. She didn't change. I told her I couldn't be with her anymore, it was fixable because she WOULDN'T change, and I was done. I explained exactly why. Told her to leave me alone, and I didn't want her as a friend, as I had enough of them already. She called once or twice a few days later, I ignored her, and never heard from her again. In comparison, every time I break up with someone out of the blue, they want closure. So, ever since that break up, I have given it. Seems to work out fine for me. And yes, it would be welcome from my end. My previous Ex, of 3.5 years, gave me NO legit reason for leaving. Granted, I left her alone after a few fights over the phone (Not about getting back together, but things that were said maliciously to me by her after the break up) and haven't heard from her since. I would PREFER to know exactly why, and that it isn't open for debate.
silic0ntoad Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I agree with the above poster....the no contact thing that everyone pushes (black/white, no gray) is actually one of the two reasons I stay away from this forum. So you are proposing staying in heart wrenching contact, hearing about new bf's/gf's and in general ******* yourself over? I'll pass. NC for me.
New Again Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 So you are proposing staying in heart wrenching contact, hearing about new bf's/gf's and in general ******* yourself over? I'll pass. NC for me. I think NC can be a good thing, I just don't think it's a black/white situation - ie a blanket cure-all for breakups. NC does not work for every person in every situation.
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