fakobako Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 ok, the last thread i posted was about my relationship life and how i was cheating on like every guy ive been with. ive been trying to change, but im doing it slowly, not cold turkey, so be patient please. my boyfriend that im with right now, im wanting to be with. but i have this fear that it wont last. hes 8 years older than me, never wants to get married, no kids and doesnt want them, never wants to live together and weve been dating for almost 2 and 1/2 years, both of us have never said i love you. theres something wrong with that. so, the wheels in my head start turning and i start to look at other men. i actually dont even look for them, they just kind of appear out of nowhere and i just go along with it. so, i have this other guy interested in me, talks about the future and all this crap. but, im wanting to see what my boyfriend wants to do with our future before i decide to break up with him. does that sound fair? remember, im taking this slow. i only text and see this other guy at our softball games like a few times a week. never really alone with him. i think im doing a lot better than i have in the past. so, im waiting to see if my boyfriend will pretty much tell me what i want to hear. if all goes well, and he can make me happy and i can make him happy, im going to get through it and not cheat. if he can convince me that there is a future for us, i can stop. i think that might be one of the problems i had, no promise of any future so why waste my time or care? hopefully will talk to him this week cause i cant wait any longer. im pretty sure i love him, i know that sounds dumb when im thinking about breaking up with him, but again, i THINK i do. i dont want to say it if i dont mean it. but hey, he might think im giving him an ultimatum, which im not, but he prob will. what do you guys think? am i making progress or no? i know its not that much change from what ive been doing in the past, but im trying to do it the right way this time, even tho i might be messing up a little.
TaraMaiden Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 my boyfriend that im with right now, im wanting to be with. but i have this fear that it wont last. hes 8 years older than me, never wants to get married, no kids and doesnt want them, never wants to live together and weve been dating for almost 2 and 1/2 years, both of us have never said i love you. theres something wrong with that. (. . .) i have this other guy interested in me, talks about the future and all this crap. but, im wanting to see what my boyfriend wants to do with our future before i decide to break up with him. Hello.....?? You already know. He's Mr Non-Commitment....What do you mean, you want to see what your boyfriend wants to do with your future.....? You already have that..... the question is, what do YOU want to do with it? so, im waiting to see if my boyfriend will pretty much tell me what i want to hear. What will make you happy? Living together, marrriage, kids? that's not going to happen, is it? So how far down are you going to have to go to reach a compromise? if all goes well, and he can make me happy and i can make him happy, im going to get through it and not cheat. if he can convince me that there is a future for us, i can stop He's already told you there's a future for you. but it means no living together, no marriage, no kids. That's it. What else do you expect him to say? i think that might be one of the problems i had, no promise of any future so why waste my time or care? Good question. it's exactly the one on my lips, and I'm asking you.... hopefully will talk to him this week cause i cant wait any longer. im pretty sure i love him, i know that sounds dumb when im thinking about breaking up with him, but again, i THINK i do If you 'think' you do - you don't. You're sticking with him to prove something to yourself. That you can stay in a relationship and not cheat. But your heart's not in it. You're staying for entirely the wrong reasons: Reputation, and hope. Both wrong motives. i dont want to say it if i dont mean it. but hey, he might think im giving him an ultimatum, which im not, but he prob will. So, given what you said above - if he rises to the challenge and says - ok, we'll move in together, plan a family and get married! Given that you only 'think' you love him, how would that work? Will you suddenly 'love' him more, simply because he's given in to your ultimatum? Quit this, now..... what do you guys think? am i making progress or no? i know its not that much change from what ive been doing in the past, but im trying to do it the right way this time, even tho i might be messing up a little. No, you're messing up a lot, because you're in it for entirely the wrong reasons. If you were really with Mr Right, this wouldn't even be a question. You wouldn't even be thinking of 'messing up'. Nothing else would cut it for you, if you already had everything you needed. There's no 'progress' here, just denial. Maybe you are simply the kind of person who needs to sleep around and enjoy a free and liberal life. That's ok, if you just face it and admit it. Eventually, the right guy will come along. But your Mr. non-Commitment isn't the one.
harmfulsweetz Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I think you've already got your answer. He's not about to change who he is, and what he wants for someone else, for anyone else. I actually agree with PP. You think you love him, well if you loved him, you would know. It sounds like you are in this for the wrong reasons, to prove you can have a relationship and not cheat, well, what is that proving? The fact that you have another guy hanging on, says you haven't changed much-if you loved him, you wouldn't need another guy as a backup option. I think you need to spend some time alone, working on what you want, need and is going to make you happy. Come back to a relationship when you know these things.
Miss Stress Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 I strongly suggest reading some books about dating written by men. "He's just not that into you" would be a good start. This is going to sound harsh but I'm only repeating what I've been told by many many guys. According to everything I've read and heard from guys, it's not that he will "never" get married or want kids. But as much as he may like you, maybe even have really strong feelings for you, he just doesn't want those things w/you. MOVE ON ... again ... strongly suggest reading some books ...
harmfulsweetz Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 I would suggest reading Are you the Right One for Me? By Barbara De Angelis, it's insightful, and helped me realise what I wanted, needed from a relationship. Often we don't know, until someone points it out.
Dexter Morgan Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 ok, the last thread i posted was about my relationship life and how i was cheating on like every guy ive been with. ive been trying to change, but im doing it slowly, not cold turkey, so be patient please. slowly weeding yourself into being a faithful person? uh.....ok:confused: You either want to be faithful, or you don't. simple as that. The reason you aren't faithful is you are fickle. You want the variety. You don't like the monotony of relationships. Sorry sweetie....that isn't about to change. You will always want that thrill of the newness that cheating brings. And even if you think you found "the one", and have remained faithful for a while, you are the type of person that is WAY too susceptible to the 7 year itch. And if the perfect opportunity presented itself.....you'll scratch. Best you stay single
vox Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 slowly weeding yourself into being a faithful person? uh.....ok:confused: You either want to be faithful, or you don't. simple as that. The reason you aren't faithful is you are fickle. You want the variety. You don't like the monotony of relationships. Sorry sweetie....that isn't about to change. You will always want that thrill of the newness that cheating brings. And even if you think you found "the one", and have remained faithful for a while, you are the type of person that is WAY too susceptible to the 7 year itch. And if the perfect opportunity presented itself.....you'll scratch. Best you stay single Or find someone who isn't so obsessive compulsive about monogamy himself.
Javelin Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 This statement below is the best! slowly weeding yourself into being a faithful person? uh.....ok:confused: You either want to be faithful, or you don't. simple as that. The reason you aren't faithful is you are fickle. You want the variety. You don't like the monotony of relationships. Sorry sweetie....that isn't about to change. You will always want that thrill of the newness that cheating brings. And even if you think you found "the one", and have remained faithful for a while, you are the type of person that is WAY too susceptible to the 7 year itch. And if the perfect opportunity presented itself.....you'll scratch. Best you stay single Dexter seems to always beat me to it...
TaraMaiden Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 Actually, I said it first..... Maybe you are simply the kind of person who needs to sleep around and enjoy a free and liberal life. That's ok, if you just face it and admit it.
Woggle Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 I agree with others that she should just stay single. Maybe one day you will be ready to commit but not now.
Dexter Morgan Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 Or find someone who isn't so obsessive compulsive about monogamy himself. that would be another solution.....get someone that is into swinging.
Author fakobako Posted August 29, 2009 Author Posted August 29, 2009 I strongly suggest reading some books about dating written by men. "He's just not that into you" would be a good start. This is going to sound harsh but I'm only repeating what I've been told by many many guys. According to everything I've read and heard from guys, it's not that he will "never" get married or want kids. But as much as he may like you, maybe even have really strong feelings for you, he just doesn't want those things w/you. MOVE ON ... again ... strongly suggest reading some books ... yeah... no no no. read the book, has nothing to do with me. hes always been like this, his family swears he will never get married. hes already told me that if he were to get married or have kids it would be with me, but that the farthest its gone. but dont think that im some silly little girl waiting by the phone for my BF to call or hope one day he'll be interested in me. ive never been dumped, im the one who cheats or breaks up with them, so please dont misread that post. you need to read my first thread than youll get it.
Author fakobako Posted August 29, 2009 Author Posted August 29, 2009 I agree with others that she should just stay single. Maybe one day you will be ready to commit but not now. ive tried that, didnt work. i drank way too much, went out way too much and got with too many people. and plus i got bored with it. but its not like i go looking for new BF's, they just appear. ive never had a problem finding one, so when a new person comes along, i just go with it if im interested.
TaraMaiden Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 fako, I think you need to determine what it is you definitely want, what it is you definitely don't want - and then decide whether you can compromise and settle for anything 'less'....and would it be 'less' if you love that person, and is it still being true to yourself? It's all very confusing at the moment, but it seems to me that you are clinging to a hope with this guy that somehow he will change his mind, because if he doesn't, then you're going to find yourself cheating, again. Write it all down, in columns. I'm serious, because nothing works better than seeing it all in black and white. The good thing is, it's not written in stone. I wish you well.....
Woggle Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 ive tried that, didnt work. i drank way too much, went out way too much and got with too many people. and plus i got bored with it. but its not like i go looking for new BF's, they just appear. ive never had a problem finding one, so when a new person comes along, i just go with it if im interested. Why not take up a hobby or focus on your career for now? Surely there has to be something you enjoy that can take the place of drinking. Why not remodel your house? I know it is completely different circumstances but that worked wonders for me at one of my lowest points. When you can build your own life and your own interests besides a relationship you won't feel so restless in the next one and feel the need to cheat.
harmfulsweetz Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 ive tried that, didnt work. i drank way too much, went out way too much and got with too many people. and plus i got bored with it. but its not like i go looking for new BF's, they just appear. ive never had a problem finding one, so when a new person comes along, i just go with it if im interested. But you can control how you spend your time, can't you? You don't have to go out so much, and if you do, it doesn't have to revolve around drink. You could take up a new hobby, or an old one, focus on your career or anything. It's ultimately up to you about how you live your life, the choices we all make govern what happens to us, things rarely just happen. I'll admit it when I cheated, it was a choice I made, albeit a very bad, horrible choice, but it was ultimately my choice. You can say no to these men though, can't you? You can choose to not go with it, for you, and spend the time on you, not them. It sounds from your posts like you flit from relationship to relationship, which is as unhealthy as a person who never has a relationship. How can you ever know what works for you, and what doesn't if you surround yourself with men all the time? You're bored because you're stuck in a routine, and need to get out of it to find out what makes you tick, not men, you. But it is your choice.
MrFun Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 ok, the last thread i posted was about my relationship life and how i was cheating on like every guy ive been with. ive been trying to change, but im doing it slowly, not cold turkey, so be patient please. my boyfriend that im with right now, im wanting to be with. but i have this fear that it wont last. hes 8 years older than me, never wants to get married, no kids and doesnt want them, never wants to live together and weve been dating for almost 2 and 1/2 years, both of us have never said i love you. theres something wrong with that. so, the wheels in my head start turning and i start to look at other men. i actually dont even look for them, they just kind of appear out of nowhere and i just go along with it. so, i have this other guy interested in me, talks about the future and all this crap. but, im wanting to see what my boyfriend wants to do with our future before i decide to break up with him. does that sound fair? remember, im taking this slow. i only text and see this other guy at our softball games like a few times a week. never really alone with him. i think im doing a lot better than i have in the past. so, im waiting to see if my boyfriend will pretty much tell me what i want to hear. if all goes well, and he can make me happy and i can make him happy, im going to get through it and not cheat. if he can convince me that there is a future for us, I can stop. i think that might be one of the problems i had, no promise of any future so why waste my time or care? hopefully will talk to him this week cause i cant wait any longer. im pretty sure i love him, i know that sounds dumb when im thinking about breaking up with him, but again, i THINK i do. i dont want to say it if i dont mean it. but hey, he might think im giving him an ultimatum, which im not, but he prob will. what do you guys think? am i making progress or no? i know its not that much change from what ive been doing in the past, but im trying to do it the right way this time, even tho i might be messing up a little. The bold/italic statements jumped out at me. There are other issues here you need to deal with.
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