how can this be possible?

[cant let go]

why is he breaking up with me?

 

my now ex-boyfriend whom i had been dating for approximately one year says that he is not in love with me and he just doesn't think he can be.

 

our relationship has really been nothing short of amazing. we both came in to the relationship very cautious and had slowly opened up to embracing each other as long term partners. i started to love him and fall in love with him a little sooner than he did. by march/april he says he really started to believe that he could be in love with me and that this was a relationship that he wanted to invest in.

 

everything we did was fun and we had been extremely happy. We had common interests, we laughed together, we learned from each other, we supported each other. we had been like best friends and we loved each other. We truly loved and cared for each other and trusted each other 100 percent.

 

We both said that this relationship was the first time we really felt like we could be ourselves completely with someone and not feel there was anything they needed to hold back. we've never felt like there was anything the other could do or say that would make us love them less.

 

I feel like our relationship was healthy and strong and happy and supportive. We did all kinds of activities together from going to concerts or running together or cooking together or going to movies. We always had a common ground and never fought and always resolved conflicts in a very mature way.

 

We had been together dating for a little over a year and for a little less than a year we had actually officially been in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I am 29 years old and he is 24.

 

He feels that even though everything is so great there is still this one thing that plagues him and that is that he just doesn't feel like he is in love with me. he says he has tried to feel it and he really loves me and thinks that i am a huge part of his life but he just doesn't feel like his love for me is growing anymore and so he feels we are at a plateau where he feels like he should feel more for me but he just doesn't.

 

He cannot pinpoint anything that i am lacking. there is no certain thing that i cannot seem to fulfill for him. there is nothing about me that upsets him or he wishes would change. he just says that he loves me as much as his best friend or his sibling. he just doesn't seem to feel able to put me as a priority in his life. he just cannot feel more for me.

 

he feels that he has given it the time that it needs and even though it really sucks and hurts to break up. he thinks that it should be done since he feels he will never feel that in love feeling for me. he says that if he doesn't feel in love with me now, how will he ever.

 

i can't understand it. how can a relationship be so perfect, so caring, so nurturing, so happy and not be enough. how can he love me and truly think i am so wonderful and it not be enough? how can we be compatible in every way and it is not enough?

 

what is he searching for? what is wrong with me? he wants me to be his friend. i have told him no that i cannot. i gave him everything that was in my apartment that was his and as soon as he left i disconnected him from my google maps latitude and i deleted him from my bbm contacts. i immediately removed our relationship status from facebook and have hidden or taken down all of my pictures. the only pictures still visible to anyone are those that were former profile pictures. some of them include him but i didn't want to delete things only set privacy settings.

 

please give me your insight. i'm am curious if anyone has any clues as to what he is feeling. has anyone ever been in this situation?

[TaraMaiden]

How many times has it been said on this forum?

Forget what they're thinking.

You can never know.

You can't ever second-guess.

You both clearly have completely different views about how this relationship was.

And he's been honest with you.

Much as he feels for you, the spark isn't there.

He loves you dearly.

Just not in that way.

But with the amount of love you felt for him, you just can't see it.

You can't love FOR him.

Let him go, and move on.

[Beeotch]

How many times has it been said on this forum?

Forget what they're thinking.

You can never know.

You can't ever second-guess.

You both clearly have completely different views about how this relationship was.

And he's been honest with you.

Much as he feels for you, the spark isn't there.

He loves you dearly.

Just not in that way.

But with the amount of love you felt for him, you just can't see it.

You can't love FOR him.

Let him go, and move on.

 

I'm sorry but I have to ask if you think this is helpful?(about to make a general observation/rant that your post reminded me of)

 

I really don't mean to be rude...but people come on these forums clearly UPSET and emotionally torn and some of these responses are just dry and tactless and really might as well people go kill themselves.

 

Not saying one should fill people with false hope and such...but from my experience I know how it feels to be in these people's shoes so I try to give my 2 cents in a more supportive way versus a dry and "Oh well move on..." way. If a loved one dies..we all know they are dead but is it necessary to say "He's dead now...what to do but bury him and continue life"?

 

Clearly most people know that they should move on....just like we ALL know lots of stuff we ought to do and should do...but also, evidently...if it were that simple then people would have done it. In tough times like these people come looking for support, reassuring words (which are entirely different from false hope)....and not to be made to feel like fools for having feels or silly because they don't just bounce back a day or 2 after.

 

I just find that responses like these are not any help...stating the obvious harsh facts that she already said for herself. I just wonder what people really think when they give out this "advice"....

 

Anyway....this is therapeutic for people so they should be able to come and ask the whys, hows, how could this happen? It seems rather recent. People here should be understanding instead of quick to chastise.

 

EVENTUALLY as time passes we get over these things, we read more posts, we have a clearer picture, we are able to withstand harsh realities more etc...but initially that doesn't happen. So why bother to mention it as though it is going to change the normal process of grief? Or why make it seem like most of us weren't there once...allow her to ask the questions, wonder, etc. A lot of times people use the forums to speak their feelings aloud and want reassurance that this too shall pass versus someone stating the obvious or rubbing it in that it is over and that they should move on.

[TaraMaiden]

Thanks for your POV.

 

I guess we all have different ways of phrasing things.

 

i could go on for reams and reams, being gentle, being soft being wordy.

It's not my style, and it doesn't actually mean any more than what I have already said.

 

I have no idea what kind of approach works for each and every individual.

So I can't be false and temper my approach on an individual basis, because I don't know what that basis is.

 

it's far better to be honest, straightforward and to the point, in my case.

Each one to their own, each person takes it as they do.

It's not my intention to either be cruel or insensitive.

It's my intention to help the truth of the matter (as I interpret it according to my understanding of the OP), hit home.

[cant let go]

well...

 

these boards are actually more hurtful then helpful. i spent a lot of time here around two years ago searching for support and have only been bashed in the face with cold, rash, "advice" to just get over it.

 

i'm not a stranger here. i'm not new. but my situation is new. i did learn a lot from my last breakup. i learned that we were actually unhappy and i learned that he wasn't honest with me about how he felt and that i didn't see it coming but in retrospect he had been steadily slipping away.

 

this is a break up like i've never experienced before because i DO know what he is thinking because he has always been honest about his feelings. he liked me a lot, then this grew to love, he was able to confirm that love and now he likes me a lot and loves being with me but he thinks that feeling "in love" should have happened by now.

 

so i come here looking for someone who may be able to relate. i'm not so naive as to know that it isn't painfully clear here why things haven't worked out. i'm asking for people to relate...

 

i don't need the whole "get over it", "he doesn't want to be with you so you should find someone who does". i'm just looking for someone who has been dumped in this situation or someone who has broken up with someone for similar reasons to let me know their experiences. or if not the same situation, perhaps a variation.

 

regardless. i've given myself 1 week on these boards to find some positive light and then i'm disabling my account. no point in being here if there is no help.

[Absolutely Curtains]

There are a ton of threads on the dating forum about being "in love." Have you read them?

 

I think that as people get older they might (hopefully) look for everything you said you had with your bf, and that might (hopefully) weigh more than the fleeting "feelings" of romantic love. I think that your bf is probably too young to be in this category, and he may never be.

 

Now, I'm just going to be honest, and I hope you don't take this as me being a douchebag.

 

My last boyfriend would have described our relationship just as you described your relationship with your ex-boyfriend. In fact, as I read it, I had a crazy sense of deja vu, but that's pretty much what he said to me when he was trying to get me back after I broke up with him. But I didn't perceive our relationship to be anything like what he felt it was, which is why I broke up with him. Sure, at one point in the relationship I felt that we got along so well, etc., and shared those thoughts and feelings with him. But things changed, and my perception of the relationship and of him changed.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I just talked to a guy today who was in the situation your boyfriend is in now. He broke up with his girlfriend not too long ago, and he said that while they had a lot in common, and the relationship was a perfect fit, it was 'too' perfect and he admitted that he was emotionally bored and just didn't find himself with any 'in love' feelings for her. She was too safe, too nice, too good and he just didn't find any challenge in there. Nothing to keep him interested really. Don't get me wrong, he cared for her but it devolved into more of a 'friend' type affection.

 

There was nothing wrong with her, just like there is nothing wrong with you. Some guys just don't like being in relationships that are not emotionally challenging.

[Devil Inside]

Hey Can't

 

Sorry your hurting. I'm sure all of us can relate with the pain that comes from a break-up with someone we love. I can eve relate with breaking up with someone that says they still love you...ughh It would almost be better if they said that they hated you or something.

 

Regardless of the reasons for his feelings...he feels that way. Do not go back and think about what you could have done different, or think this is about you. It sounds like it is about him. It could be that the infatuation stage is over now and he isn't ready for a mature relationship once the butterflies are over.

 

It could be that he has always felt less in love then you have and he finally decided to be brave, tell you and end it.

 

Regardless...it is over hun...sorry. I think that going NC is best, because being friends will be way to painful. I hope you can find some kind words in these posts...take care of yourself.

[Bleeve]

there is nothing wrong with you......he just isn't the right one for you

 

It is like if you had a male friend that was nice, and sweet and a great friend and person.....but you aren't in love with him......and if that friend wanted to be your bf and asked you what was wrong with him what would you say? there can be absolutely nothing wrong with him, but if the spark is not there for you, would you be his gf?

 

You will meet the right guy that adores you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you

[Tayla]

In some ways I do agree with Tara's straight up advice. As to the comfort for the Lady, why certainly we can each empathize. Or at least I hope we can!

Point though that keeps resounding is the *feeling* of love. Since when is Love only a feeling? Its an action, its an adoration, its ...why,,,a many splendid thing!

The moment an adult says * I don't feel in love with you* ask them if they have adoration, respect, regard, a desire to place their goals, ambitions on the same level. Its not a nice thing to say but if you base your relationship on that feeling you are on quicksand. It will not endure. Feelings are fleeting. Love is everlasting and definitely not a feeling in and of itself. I sincerely believe the poster adores her gent, I also believe the gent has yet to grasp love in the real sense.

[N.Colony]

 

My last boyfriend would have described our relationship just as you described your relationship with your ex-boyfriend. In fact, as I read it, I had a crazy sense of deja vu, but that's pretty much what he said to me when he was trying to get me back after I broke up with him. But I didn't perceive our relationship to be anything like what he felt it was, which is why I broke up with him. Sure, at one point in the relationship I felt that we got along so well, etc., and shared those thoughts and feelings with him. But things changed, and my perception of the relationship and of him changed.

 

do you have any reasons for why your perception of your him changed?

[trueforever]

Wow, Can't let go where have you been this whole time?...lol...I just happened to stumble across your story and it is pretty much a picture perfect resemblance of mine, don't believe me check my thread!!! Anyways! Like you I have been one of the heartbroken dumpees on here looking for all the right answers but I have yet to give my opinion to anyone until now because I feel we are both in a very similar position, I want to give it to you because I feel I’m ready to help instead of being helped. Hopefully you will one day read this, and whether it helps or not I don’t know its just what I did and I feel was the best way to handle the situation and Its only been almost 2 months but I’m heading in the right direction, hope this helps!

 

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Just like you I had the most perfect relationship, well at least I thought, until that one dreadful day when she told me she wasn't sure if I was the one!!!...when I clearly thought she was. No signs, no tells, no nothing, did not see it come AT ALL!!! So to say the least I was shocked, like you, whether right or wrong, as hard as it was/is I did not beg or plead, instead I accepted her feelings for what they are because there's no use in trying to change there mind, that’s why its their mind, they make the decision based on what’s best for them. It doesn't mean they're inconsiderate of your feelings, and I know it wasn’t easy for them but he is doing you a favor in the long run because unfortunately even though we choose not to believe it, they are not the ones for us, plain and simple. The sooner we accept that the better for us, believe me. Trust me words can’t describe what my lady meant to me, honestly she was wonderful and we had a wonderful relationship, in my opinion our relationship was perfect, for just over a year we did everything and anything together, anything and everything for each other, we always always enjoyed each others company, sex life was great, had lots of plans, and most importantly we trusted each other 100% and that’s all you can ask for, but you know as much as I do sometimes that just isn’t enough for someone. Believe me I miss her so much, so much, like you do, our situations are more sad than anything due to the fact that everything was great, that why it hurts so much. But when she made that decision to leave, in my mind she did nothing but fallow her heart, it sounds like your man is doing the same, so how can you hate someone for that? You can’t!!! If you love them, love them enough to let them go. After she did what she did I had one final talk with her where I told my ex that I loved her and loved everything we had, everything, because I truly felt that way, I told her I will cherish all our great moments because this was the best year of my life and I have no regrets or resentment towards her whatsoever. I told her she too will find the one that makes her as truly happy as she can be because I truly want her to be. I wished her all the best with all my heart, and I let her go. Basically I poured my heart out to her one last time, not for the intent to try to win her back but simply for myself to acknowledge that I appreciated everything we had and that although she has my heart right now, I will take it back because I know I will love again someday because she showed me that its possible. Believe you me, it was that hardest thing I ever had to do but this way I have no regrets, I did all that I could without looking desperate and week, and although it shouldn’t matter to me, I know she respects me even more now for doing what I did because It would have been a lot easier for her if I was just to be a dick about the whole situation, and told her to ****off, but that’s not me and I can tell that’s not you.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] So listen Can’t Let Go, I’m sorry to say, but you can and have to LET GO!! I’m not an expert on how to handle breakups or whatever but I know myself and I know her, just like you know your ex, but when someone thinks they are not meant for you, it means, you were not meant for them!!! So stay strong, try to be at peace with yourself knowing you did all you could do, and stay optimistic that this was a blessing in disguise because you will love again, you know!!! and this was just a chapter in you life that needs to be finished so you can move on the next.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Good Luck to You[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]