greenfrog7 Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Hi everyone. I really need some advice about a guy. Normally, I would talk to my close friends, but they have pretty much had it (they are nice about it, but I know...) with my talking about him. I hope that you will bear with me while I tell this sort of long story. First of all, I just started my junior year in college, and I'm 20. I've always had lots of friends, but never really had boyfriends. I had one kind of thing in my senior year of high school, but it didn't end well, and never really officially began. That guy is really the only guy I've ever kissed, and when I did, I was drunk, so I still get really nervous about kissing boys. Anyways, to the story. I met the boy right before winter break of last year. He had been in one of my classes for the whole semester, but I had never really talked to him besides a brief introduction on the first day. One of our mutual friends who was in the class got us together to study for the final. While we studied, we ended up getting into this really great conversation, and it turned out we had a lot in common, and we really connected. Even after the study session, our friend asked me if I had noticed the weird connection that we had. After the final, he asked me to go with him to pick up our graded finals, and, again, we really hit it off. Our conversations flowed better than any I have ever really had, and we had so many things in common, and our personalities clicked so well. At this point, I was very intrigued by how quickly I was developing feelings for this boy, after having no interest in any of the ones I had met the first year and a half of college. Anyways, before winter break, he and I went to a lecture together, and then parted ways for break. Even after only knowing each other for a few days, we kept in touch throughout break in the old fashioned (nowadays) way of emailing. I got progressively more excited throughout the break. When it was finally over, right away he invited me to go to the orchestra with him, a common interest of ours. The night we went, there was a foot of snow on the ground and it was still falling heavily. After the concert, we ended up walking all around campus and playing in the snow. I was surprised at how comfortable I was with being silly and myself around this guy I barely knew, and he really seemed to be eating it all up. The conversation we had was, again, mindblowing for me. I guess I am one of those types of people who just have a lot of crazy ideas floating around in my head that never really come out. But with him, we would talk about these crazy things, and find really obscure things that we both thought about that we each assumed no one else in the world would consider. Many times we both found ourselves admitting that we talked about things with each other that we had never talked about with anyone before. Anyways, we did little things a few times and i really couldn't tell if they were dates or not. My friends and I would sit around and discuss what we thought, but of course, it was always inconclusive. After a few weeks of a lot of fun, all the sudden, the guy disappeared. I didn't hear from him and he didn't return my few attempts to contact him. After this silence went on for about 2 weeks, I pretty much assumed that he had lost interest in me, and didn't really plan on trying to contact him again. But, I was still really baffled that something that was so great could go away so fast. I was pretty sure that he felt the connection as much as I did. I even saw him on Valentine's day out with a girl (while I was out with my friends for dinner). At that point I was mad, but I laughed it off and tried to forget about it. So, a month passed that I didn't hear from him. Finally, he sent an email response from an email I sent him a long while back in which he apologized for the silence, excusing it with the fact that he had been really busy and was having a lot of family issues. I returned the email saying it was fine and that I hoped everything was ok. I also mentioned a lecture that I would be attending during the next week, which was spring break. I assumed that he would be home for it, and therefore not able to go. However, he ended up being at the lecture. He, apparently, came back to school early from spring break to see this particular lecture, which I was at with a friend. Afterwards, the 3 of us went to get coffee, and throughout the time, I was kind of angry about the nonchalance of it all, and was (in a nice way) making very minor (almost undetectable) passive-aggressive comments about the fact that he chose to just completely ignore me for a whole month. In the end, my friend had to go, and he and I ended up going to my apartment to hang out and talk. We ended up talking for hours, until about 5am. It was insane. Just as intense and our previous conversations, but crazier. We literally just sat in the same place the entire night and only got up for bathroom breaks. From the conversation, I found out that one of his small cousins was diagnosed with Leukemia and that he had been going back and forth from home to see him and give bone marrow. I felt so bad for ever being mad or not understanding. He also referred to the Valentine's day girl and said she happened to be visiting that weekend as a prospective student. He knew her from home. Finally, near the end, we went in to my particular room, and I was showing him the stuff I had on my walls, kinda giving him a tour. We ended up staying in there to talk for awhile, and we somehow got on the topic of awkward moments. I referred to one which we had had a while back, which he responded to by saying (out of the blue) "Yeah, that was awkward. Because I kinda wanted to kiss you." And he said it in this really cute, geeky, nervous kind of way that made me just melt. Inside, I freaked out. It was completely out of nowhere, and I am guessing my face turned completely white. I don't handle shock or severe emotions well for some reason, and my mind goes into panic-mode. I kinda froze and kept talking about what I had been saying before until i just kinda stumbled over all my words. He laughed at me and asked what was wrong and if he had said something. I said "yeah, i thought so." After that he kinda went on to explain that he liked me, and I was very not cool about it and said "really?" and smiled funnily. I guess i could convince myself that it was cute, but it was very not smooth. Anyways, he didn't seem to be so bothered by it, and he asked if I thought there was something there between us and I said that I did, and followed it up by explaining that I am very bad at those kind of situations. After that, we kind of went back to talking about random stuff, but it was a bit awkward and also very late. We made plans to hang out and then parted ways. I hugged him (even though clearly he had been looking for a kiss). I just wasn't ready at the moment, and figured I would have other opportunities. It took me a whole day to stop feeling so flustered (but excited). When we got together a couple nights later, we had a great time, as usual. By the end, neither of us really mentioned or referred to the previous night. I finally said something at the end. Keep in mind that, in retrospect, I would have done this part very differently. I basically apologized about the previous night and explained that I handle unexpected situations really badly. Then, I went into stuff about how I wanted him to know that I was interested but that I tend to appear to be pushing people away sometimes, and I wanted him to know that that wasn't what I was doing. Throughout, I wasn't articulate at all, which I usually am, and it was just kind of a complete embarassing mess that basically explained to him that I did not have good luck in relationships at all. Keep in mind that, at this point, I was not looking for a relationship, but more frequent get togethers in which we could continue to get to know each other better. So, at the end he seemed completely fine with it and said he was glad I brought it up because he didn't know if he should again. The next week we talked a little bit, and then it kinda stopped. And then a whole month (once again) went by without him responding to me at all. At this point, I didn't know what to think because he had done it before, and this time was different, because he had told me he liked me! So, while I was mad this was happening again, I just tried to busy myself with other things and hoped he would someday call. After a long time, I sent him an email just asking if everything was ok, and saying I hoped school stuff was going ok. He responded a week later apologizing and saying that he was doing a lot of work and had no time to hang out and that he was really behind on everything and was doing poorly in a lot of his classes. I understood, but I still didn't understand what I was supposed to do. So i ended up sending him an email basically asking what he what he wanted me to do. I referred to the fact that he had told me these things and then just kind of left me hanging, and that i wasn't looking for necessarily frequent contact, but just asking if he expected to ever be able to see me again. He never responded. After this, I decided I had to be over it. Even though I was really into it at this point. But then, I saw him at another event, and we ended up talking afterward and the conversation led to the topic that I wanted to not be ignored. He ended up somehow convincing me through his explanation that he really did want to, but that he had a hard time separating school from fun, and if he stopped focus that he would never get it back. In the end, he, in some way, said I should wait for him, and we could continue later. I told him that I would wait until I didn't want to anymore. The conversation ended well, and he started to make more of an effort. Finally, he was making a real effort and we had plans for an outing of orchestra concert and then stargazing. On the way to the orchestra concert, he was going too fast and lost control of the car. We ended up wedged between a fence and a tree. The car was totaled. Luckily, neither of us were hurt besides being bruised. He was really embarassed and sorry about the whole thing. The next day, we got together to talk about it, because it was a fairly traumatizing event. We talked for awhile, and then made a plan to hang out the next weekend before we left for summer break. He never called or anything, and left for the summer without saying goodbye. I was so upset. What is more, I found out some things about him that I didn't expect. From one of his suitemates that I was friends with, I found out that the girl from Valentine's day was not a prospective student, and that he implied that she was his girlfriend. Some other random stuff, too. I was really angry, so I decided I was done and was going to get over it all. 2 weeks into the summer, he sent me a message asking how I was and stuff. I didn't respond for a week because I didn't know what to say. Finally, I decided I was going to empower myself and send a conclusive message that didn't invite a response, which I did, and he did not respond. Now, I am back in school. I have seen him around campus and have turned the other way, because I didn't know what I would say. Luckily, I haven't been put in any positions where he has seen me before I redirect my course, at which time I would be forced to talk to him. The worst part is that I still really like him. If he were to apologize for everything, I would so let all this stuff go. It sickens me that i am acting like this. I know that my friends are tired of hearing about it, and I am tired of constantly thinking and worrying about it. I just really want to find some sort of solution to get over him. Part of me feels like I need some sort of closure on the situation, but I don't know how to do that. I also really want him to know how stupid he has been and just vent it all out to him at some point. But i also don't think this is a good idea. The thing that is so inconclusive is that I actually think he is telling the truth when he said things about needing to study. I did get to know him well, and was a weird kinda guy. But the fact that some of these times he was sincere, and that the expected outcome or explanation was not the right one at all, makes the situation right NOW so inconclusive. So that is my problem. I am sorry that this was so long, but I wanted whoever reads this to get a really good idea of the situation so as to get the most accurate version of help. I'm not proud of the actions I made throughout. It is crazy how a normal person can turn into such a needy and desperate-feeling one when confronted with these kinds of issues. So, someone help me find a way to get over it, or get through it.
Confusedalways Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Wow! This sounds like something that would happen to me and my friends would kill me for rehashing the details of it so many times. I feel like in this situation it might be best for total honesty and a chat with him- if nothing else at least for your sanity and closure. Maybe the infrequent contact was because he had a girlfriend? Who knows-- except him. It's time to have a chat with him, seriously. You will go crazy wondering.
Absolutely Curtains Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Fack, no wonder you guys talked for hours and hours and HOURS. What I got out of this was you guys hung out until he became interested in someone else. Then they broke up (or whatever) and he started hanging out with you again. You showed interest, so he lost interest again. Then you ignored him, so he sent you a message to see if you still cared. You did the right thing by ignoring it ..... but then fudged up by responding to him. Then he knew you still cared, so he went back to ignoring you. He got the validation he wanted. Save your pride. He's kinda shady, he's probably a liar, he's DEFINITELY disrespectful and his manners are horrid. That's all you need to know about him. Just keep ignoring him. I'm serious. Don't just ignore him until he talks to you again. IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE no matter what. He doesn't deserve your attention.
norajane Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Fack, no wonder you guys talked for hours and hours and HOURS. What I got out of this was you guys hung out until he became interested in someone else. Then they broke up (or whatever) and he started hanging out with you again. You showed interest, so he lost interest again. Then you ignored him, so he sent you a message to see if you still cared. You did the right thing by ignoring it ..... but then fudged up by responding to him. Then he knew you still cared, so he went back to ignoring you. He got the validation he wanted. Save your pride. He's kinda shady, he's probably a liar, he's DEFINITELY disrespectful and his manners are horrid. That's all you need to know about him. Just keep ignoring him. I'm serious. Don't just ignore him until he talks to you again. IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE no matter what. He doesn't deserve your attention. I agree. He didn't need time to "study". He was seeing someone else. You were in between the other girl he was seeing. You are not going to get closure from him. He won't apologize, he won't explain, and there's no point in you demanding either from him because you'll only get yourself all worked up and he won't reply in any way that is satisfying to you. Closure doesn't happen often except in movies. You have to get your own closure by deciding that THIS kind of guy and THIS kind of behavior from a guy is unacceptable to you. And that YOU don't need this kind of nonsense from him or anyone else. The guy you really have a connection with, the one you end up with, is NOT going to behave like this, so clearly, he is NOT the guy for you. Expect better from men than this!!
Absolutely Curtains Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I agree. He didn't need time to "study". He was seeing someone else. You were in between the other girl he was seeing. You are not going to get closure from him. He won't apologize, he won't explain, and there's no point in you demanding either from him because you'll only get yourself all worked up and he won't reply in any way that is satisfying to you. Closure doesn't happen often except in movies. You have to get your own closure by deciding that THIS kind of guy and THIS kind of behavior from a guy is unacceptable to you. And that YOU don't need this kind of nonsense from him or anyone else. The guy you really have a connection with, the one you end up with, is NOT going to behave like this, so clearly, he is NOT the guy for you. Expect better from men than this!! Excellently stated. This is the short of it, and really what it all comes down to.
Author greenfrog7 Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 Thanks, everyone. This stuff is really reassuring. What are your suggestions about seeing him around, and inevitably running into him face-to-face? We have a lot of common interests, and I'm not willing to give stuff up or change my schedule just to not see him. So what do I say/do when I do finally have to see him around?
Absolutely Curtains Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Thanks, everyone. This stuff is really reassuring. What are your suggestions about seeing him around, and inevitably running into him face-to-face? We have a lot of common interests, and I'm not willing to give stuff up or change my schedule just to not see him. So what do I say/do when I do finally have to see him around? I'll say it again for effect You don't do or say anything. YOU IGNORE HIM. If he gets right in your face, looks you in the eye and says "Hi" go ahead and say "Hi" back, then go talk to someone else, or keep walking, or move to a different part of the room, whatever. DO NOT STAY AND CHAT. DO NOT ASK ABOUT HIM. DO NOT HAVE A CONVERSATION. DO NOT CATCH UP. DO NOT HANG OUT. DO NOT ASK HIM TO JOIN YOU. DO NOT ACCEPT HIS INVITATION TO JOIN HIM. IGNORE. IGNORE. IGNORE. IGNORE. IGNORE. IGNORE. PRETEND HE DOESN'T EXIST.
norajane Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Thanks, everyone. This stuff is really reassuring. What are your suggestions about seeing him around, and inevitably running into him face-to-face? We have a lot of common interests, and I'm not willing to give stuff up or change my schedule just to not see him. So what do I say/do when I do finally have to see him around? Don't give it another thought. You can be sure he'll avoid you.
xpaperxcutx Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Don't give it another thought. You can be sure he'll avoid you. I completely agree with this. Men who are not honest and choose disappearing as a way to avoid confrontation are always the one to run away first. College is fun, and shouldn't be spent entirely wondering if you can avoid this guy or that guy. Go about your classes, and meet your friends. Eventually he'll just be another guy that you'll hardly bat an eye towards.
BobSacamento Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 1. Never tell someone you like them. When the mystery is gone, so goes the interest. 2. Don't talk so much. It's a waste of time.
princess.xx Posted September 14, 2009 Posted September 14, 2009 ok well this sort of thing has happened to me before, one week or months he would talk to me then the next week or month he wouldnt. and i have found out that the weeks and months he wasnt talking to me were the times when he had a girlfriend or was interested in another girl. anyway when i told my friend about this he said that he was just using me until someone better came along but i still liked him everytime he left i would say to myself that i wouldnt talk to him once he started talking to me again, but i couldnt do that. i still cant get over him! the other day he was talking to me on msn this is what he said him: why arent you talking to me anymore? me: cause your not talking to me him: dw i got a girlfriend yea i no hes trying to make me jelous, and its working! i cant seem to get over him and i think its the same in your case, hes using you.
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