mnm Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 I applaud your strength. It's wonderful to see that you both want to work it out. There's a lot up ahead. I know. But if you love each other enough to work it out, then that's the best thing to do. Only you know your true feelings and hers, you are the only two that know what you want, advice is great, but noone else is living your life everyone's is different. Good Luck!
Dexter Morgan Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Choosing this path is not weakness. nobody said it was, nobody said that trying to work it out is weakness. The weakness comes in the form that we try to tell you to man up, and not let her walk all over you, and you start making excuses for her and then blasting us for it. So like I said, forgive her, stop hounding her, and move on if we are so out of line.
misternoname Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 Monk, I understand your stance and your view that most on here are "hardcore." I understand because I was you a few years ago. I would have done anything to save my marriage including at the time letting HER set the parameters. In hindsight I now realize what a mistake that was. She never really resolved her 'wanderlust" and I never trusted her. My fears came to fruition when she went and had another affair. I firmly believe that one of the reasons she stepped out again was that she felt like if she was caught again I would once again forgive and forget. It's like when one of your kids gets in trouble...if they don't feel like there's any accountability on their part they'll simply do it again. I know you don't want to hear that your marriage may not be salvagable...it may or may not be but you'll improve your odds alot if you insist on a proven component of saving a marriage after an affair...NO CONTACT! Period, dot, no exceptions. If she won't or can't do that then prepare for the worst. At least you won't have to deal with the nightmare again in the future like I did.
Holding-On Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 The story. On D-day she admitted to me that she had a nearly 2 year on again off again A that she ended 2 years ago. She also admitted that she was having an EA with a different man that had just turned into a SA, but no sex had taken place. This A had been taking place for nearly 2 months. She ended the affair because she wanted to be with me and she realized that she had made a terrible mistake. I know this to be true because he clearly did not want the A to end. She agreed to end all contact, but then begged to talk to him. I relented and the long calls began again. I waffled on this a few more times until I could take it no more and said no. She continued to read the blog and occasionally post and I found out about that about 2 weeks ago and she has not posted, but still read. Last night I asked her to stop all reading. W had no role model for what boundaries are in a relationship. In fact her role model was to have no boundaries and explore all things. I did not know that this really extended to relationships until this came to light. We are working on defining the boundaries, because she really does not have anywhere near the same ones I do. She is not traditional. This sounds sensible, if a bit late in the game. What were your vows exactly? Because if she promised fidelity, and has been having affairs right and left, I'm not sure that defining boundaries is going to do you both much good other than to know when she has crossed them. See she doesn't have a problem with boundaries, she kept a good lid on at least one affair for 4 years running. That's some pretty good compartmentalizing and boundary setting (here is my husband and this is what I tell him, here is my lover and this is what I tell him). Where I'm seeing that she has a problem with boundaries is yours. She has no problem running right over them. I'm as you might put it, lacking in several conventional sexual boundaries. HOWEVER, I could not keep such a set of lies going to my husband for a tenth of a percentage that long. I care about HIS boundaries, about how I might hurt him and his trust in me. You know, I love him. I'm not seeing this with your wife. Where is her love for you? In the long run, if her sexual/emotional life is all about exploring and yours is one person only with a person who does not respect the boundaries you put up, how do you propose to make this work?
jnj express Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 Hey monk---lets get something straight, your wife did not make a mistake---a mistake is adding 2 plus 2 and getting 5----what your wife did was with cunning, deception, and conniving---do not ever call an affair a mistake. As to the OM's pain, probably another pack of lies, to reel in the unsuspecting---you have no way of knowing whether he speaks the truth or not do you??? You talk about not wanting to play cop----well if you really wanna make your mge., work, then you have to play some cop---sorry that's just the way it is---until she can prove over a period of time, she can maintain NC, you have to be vigilant. She has cheated on you twice---she knows how do decieve and lie to you, while looking you right in the eyes and says to you everything is fine, hasn't she??? You can delude yourself all you want but if you want to rehab your mge, then there MUST be boundaries, and tough consequences.
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