I am not ok with this

[The Monk]

2 1/2 months since D-day. Affair stopped immediately. It was an EA that had just turned into a PA when she came clean. She wanted to keep him as a friend and assured me that nothing would happen. She continued to talk to him since he lives in another city for long periods and did not do so when with me. We have been working hard on recovery and she no longer talks to him and understands that it hurts me, but she still checks in on his blog. He can see where the hits are coming from and has tried to get her to post to him. She has at times during weakness, but has not for about 2 weeks. She still wants to read the blog, but I am not ok with that. He knows it is likely her that visits and so he still likely holds out a candle for her. Plus the fact that she doesn't want to give it up makes me nervous. Don't know what to do. Please advise.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think that, under your circumstances, a marriage can come all the way back only if the WS is willing to agree to two conditions -

 

- total transparency in phone, email and accounting for time

 

- no contact

 

Not that hard to understand but harder for some to do. And in staying in contact, she proves that, at least emotionally, she's still got one toe in the water.

 

Why are you willing to put up with this?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Dexter Morgan]

2 1/2 months since D-day. Affair stopped immediately. It was an EA that had just turned into a PA when she came clean. She wanted to keep him as a friend and assured me that nothing would happen. She continued to talk to him since he lives in another city for long periods and did not do so when with me. We have been working hard on recovery and she no longer talks to him and understands that it hurts me, but she still checks in on his blog. He can see where the hits are coming from and has tried to get her to post to him. She has at times during weakness, but has not for about 2 weeks. She still wants to read the blog, but I am not ok with that. He knows it is likely her that visits and so he still likely holds out a candle for her. Plus the fact that she doesn't want to give it up makes me nervous. Don't know what to do. Please advise.

 

 

either she goes complete no contact, and quits checking up on him, or she should pack her bags.

 

don't know why you put up with it. but as long as you do, she will continue to disrespect you.

 

how about getting rid of her and finding a woman that won't treat you like sh#t?

[The Monk]

I know that there is still emotional attachment, though that is fading. Due to family reasons and personality she has boundary problems and we are working on that. The OM is married also and is in a great deal of pain. She sees that and wants to help. I am the type of person that wants to help whenever I see someone in pain so I struggle too.

I just told her that I want everything to stop and she agreed. I "put up" with her because we love each other very much and are trying to rebuild our marriage. My trust is broken, but I refuse to live my life as the hovering H. Everyone's boundaries are different and I am just trying to define mine. I really appreciate the input. This is so damn hard.

[MadMission]

Monk,

 

How long was the EA?

Who ended the A?

Why was it terminated?

 

The answers to these questions will give insight.

 

A brief EA will, obviously, be easier for your SO to emotionally let go of, than a long term EA. If she only just started to emotionally fall for OM, then had sex with him, her need to continue contact should be pretty short lived. She will likely be able to shake off the brief feelings she had for him in a pretty short period of time. However, if their EA was lengthy, then she likely heavily invested in OM...and may still have strong feelings for him. Much the same way that you cannot instantly stop loving/desiring her, she cannot just flip a switch and stop her deep feelings for him. It's going to take time. However, the ONLY way for her to extinguish her feelings for him is by NO CONTACT at all, including NO blog reading.

 

WHO ended the A is significant because if SHE ended it, then it was HER choice...HER desire...for it to stop. A very good sign.

But, if OM ended it, then she may still long for OM, whom she may have had deep feelings for. And, if it were up to her, she will still be in an E/P A with him behind your back.

 

WHY it ended is also significant. Was it because she loves and cares for YOU, and desires a restored relationship with YOU? That she realized that this OM doesn't REALLY mean anything to her...and that YOU are 'it' for her? That she does not want to risk losing YOU and cannot imagine life without you? That you are special and irreplacable? All good.

OR, did it end because OM was not available...a married man...and made it clear to her that he was never leaving his SO for her? Or, because logistically it became too hard to continue the A...still desired....but, simply impossible to continue?

 

You said that SO is working hard at R. The critical piece to this would be her avoiding reading OM's blog. This is NOT a harmless activity. She is re-injuring you EVERY time she does it. It is disrespectful and shows a lack of care for you and your feelings. Despite the fact that she feels she NEEDS to do it, it is time for her to stop thinking only about HERSELF (as she did in the A) and to consider YOU.

 

I wish you all the best.

[MadMission]

Monk, I was writing my above post at the same time you were writing your last one above.

 

HOW does she know that OM is in a great deal of pain and is struggling?? Does he write about this very personal, private stuff in his blog???? OR, does she still have other additional contact with him??

 

There is nothing more painful than hearing your WS express empathy and sympathy toward to OP! My WH did that. Felt so sorry for OW...she is a good person...has had it hard...he caused her saddness and pain...blah blah blah. While I had multiple knives sticking out of my back and was bleeding right there in front of him...didn't matter...his empathy went to OW. He CARED about her and her feelings. Mine didn't matter. I was unimportant. And, this was a year AFTER their LTA ended. His ongoing love and care for OW killed me. I am so sorry you are going through a similar thing.

 

Your SO needs to knock it off. STOP ALL CONTACT! No more blog reading!

 

I can tell you with certainty that a LACK OF CARE will be the demise of your relationship. Her focus MUST be on you and your M right now...or your healing will be stalled or impossible...making R impossible.

 

It is often NOT the A itself which destroyes the M, but how a WS mis-manages the aftermath which kills it.

[Spark1111]

I know that there is still emotional attachment, though that is fading. Due to family reasons and personality she has boundary problems and we are working on that. The OM is married also and is in a great deal of pain. She sees that and wants to help. I am the type of person that wants to help whenever I see someone in pain so I struggle too.

I just told her that I want everything to stop and she agreed. I "put up" with her because we love each other very much and are trying to rebuild our marriage. My trust is broken, but I refuse to live my life as the hovering H. Everyone's boundaries are different and I am just trying to define mine. I really appreciate the input. This is so damn hard.

 

Monk, if you love this woman you will have to fight for your marriage.

 

There is some great advice above me on this board. Follow it. Hover, snoop, expose. As long as she cares about the OM's pain more than she does the pain this is causing you, she is still TOO emotionally involved in HIM and the EA.

 

Get tough! Tell her NO CONTACT, not even reading his blog. If it continues, you will contact him or and his wife and disclose all. Get a keylogger installed, pronto. Enforce the boundaries YOU NEED to feel secure.

 

Or, wake up one day and find her gone to go be with him. At that point, will it have been worth being the "good guy" who didn't hover????

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would put up with such disrespect and humiliation as you have? Her actions indicate that she fears no consequences to her actions. You need to contact the OM's spouse and need to be checked for STD's. It seems that your wife did not fear any consequences from you by becoming physical with another man. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions continue to show disrespect toward you and your marriage. Again if the roles were reversed would she put up with such continuing disrespectful actions from you?

[KonfusedinCanada]

2 1/2 months since D-day. Affair stopped immediately. It was an EA that had just turned into a PA when she came clean. She wanted to keep him as a friend and assured me that nothing would happen. She continued to talk to him since he lives in another city for long periods and did not do so when with me. We have been working hard on recovery and she no longer talks to him and understands that it hurts me, but she still checks in on his blog. He can see where the hits are coming from and has tried to get her to post to him. She has at times during weakness, but has not for about 2 weeks. She still wants to read the blog, but I am not ok with that. He knows it is likely her that visits and so he still likely holds out a candle for her. Plus the fact that she doesn't want to give it up makes me nervous. Don't know what to do. Please advise.

 

Hi Monk - I don't know your W but speaking as a woman who is having an A, and who's H found out, and I told him it was over but had to continue to speak to my OM because we have a working relationship, I can tell you my experience is that as long as I'm still speaking to him, we are still in the A. Emotionally if not physically.

 

If she's still checking in, and not willing to completely cut him off, she's not 100% committed to you or working on your marriage. I know this because I am doing the same to my H. I do know that if I want even a 'chance' to make things work with my H I have to cut off contact completely with my AP. No checking in, no texts once in a blue, nothing! Otherwise, I'll be drawn back to him. I think maybe Men can do that, just stay "friends" and possibly turn off, or let go of feelings, but I know I can't do that. I don't know if that's a woman thing or not, but it just is the way I am. It has to be all or nothing for me. I'm working on the nothing so that I can move on.

[KonfusedinCanada]

I know that there is still emotional attachment, though that is fading. Due to family reasons and personality she has boundary problems and we are working on that. The OM is married also and is in a great deal of pain. She sees that and wants to help. I am the type of person that wants to help whenever I see someone in pain so I struggle too.

I just told her that I want everything to stop and she agreed. I "put up" with her because we love each other very much and are trying to rebuild our marriage. My trust is broken, but I refuse to live my life as the hovering H. Everyone's boundaries are different and I am just trying to define mine. I really appreciate the input. This is so damn hard.

I read this after I responded the last time. Monk - are you sure you aren't my H? Wow - you sound exactly like him, and are in a very similar situation that myself and my H are right now.

[seibert253]

Have you notified the OM's wife? Want to end his infatuation with your wife, this will do it.

 

Also you need to set concrete boundries with your wife. You need to be forceful but compasionate. Goes a little something like this:

"Honey I love you more than anything on this earth, and I know you are suffering through a lot of confusion right now. But, your continued thoughts about the OM is causing me a great deal of pain and hurt. It leads me to think you truely do not want to repair our marriage. If you love me and want to be married to me you need to let him go and focus 100% on us. I will do whatever it takes to help you through this, but I can no longer tolarate you initiating anything that has to do with OM. You have a choice to make, let him go and focus on us, or we need to go out seperate ways."

[The Monk]

Back from work. Please understand that I am not asking for advice on whether I should try to repair our marriage or not. This is the woman I love and I know that she loves me. We have our problems, but I am not going to simply hang it up without giving it a real try. There are children involved and I simply love her.

 

The story. On D-day she admitted to me that she had a nearly 2 year on again off again A that she ended 2 years ago. She also admitted that she was having an EA with a different man that had just turned into a SA, but no sex had taken place. This A had been taking place for nearly 2 months. She ended the affair because she wanted to be with me and she realized that she had made a terrible mistake. I know this to be true because he clearly did not want the A to end.

 

She agreed to end all contact, but then begged to talk to him. I relented and the long calls began again. I waffled on this a few more times until I could take it no more and said no. She continued to read the blog and occasionally post and I found out about that about 2 weeks ago and she has not posted, but still read. Last night I asked her to stop all reading.

 

W had no role model for what boundaries are in a relationship. In fact her role model was to have no boundaries and explore all things. I did not know that this really extended to relationships until this came to light. We are working on defining the boundaries, because she really does not have anywhere near the same ones I do. She is not traditional.

 

I know the OM is in pain, as she does, because I have read the blog. He does not post specifics, but it is clear. I have not told his wife nor will I because he has children as well and I do not have the right to create havoc in their lives. They might not have realized this, but I do. I am no longer reading his blog either because seeing any hits from here is likely to keep him thinking that there is a chance.

 

She now seems to understand the pain that she has caused and she is being completely honest with me. We have had several conversations about how things happened and why and this has helped. She previously lied by omission and now she is sharing letters and thoughts with me. I think we have turned a corner, but this is all recent development. We will begin counseling very soon as well.

 

I am simply playing this by ear and wanted to know if I was out of line in wanting even passive contact to stop. I did not believe it was, but wanted other voices. Thank you for your words. Sorry it was such a long post. New to this.

[2sunny]

think of it this way - any energy she spends corresponding with him or checking in with him - is time and energy taken away from your marriage.

 

it's not right... and she knows it... she's depriving you the energy that could be well spent on her relationship rebuilding.

 

if she continues to do so, and won't give it up - then you have her answer based upon her actions - he is the priority - not you or the marriage - as long as she continues to spend any time or energy on him.

 

the healing for your marriage cannot begin as lng as she corresponds with him.

[Mr. Lucky]

Back from work. Please understand that I am not asking for advice on whether I should try to repair our marriage or not. This is the woman I love and I know that she loves me. We have our problems, but I am not going to simply hang it up without giving it a real try. There are children involved and I simply love her.

Monk, you seem like an intelligent and thoughtful person. And while I admire your committment to your M, I hope you realize that this isn't something that you can fix on your own. Just as you candidly admitted that you both had a part in creating the problem, so must your W realize that it takes both to fix it. None of your demands are unreasonable and all are necessary. As much as you love your W, others that have gone through the process will tell you that she may not - or may not be capable of - loving you the same way in return. Protect yourself and I wish you much success in your efforts to heal your marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[The Monk]

Thank you all for your input. I have gotten what I needed. I am not unreasonable for wanting her to stop following him electronically. I believe that we will be better after this, but I completely understand that it will take a great deal of work on both our parts and there are no guarantees. I know how we feel about each other and I am hopeful that we can make the necessary changes in order to be healthy in the future. Time will tell.

[Dexter Morgan]

I know that there is still emotional attachment, though that is fading. Due to family reasons and personality she has boundary problems and we are working on that. The OM is married also and is in a great deal of pain. She sees that and wants to help. I am the type of person that wants to help whenever I see someone in pain so I struggle too.

 

sigh...you are making excuses for her. I hate to say this, but you will let her walk all over you again.

 

You shouldn't give a crap if the OM is in a great deal of pain.

It isn't your problem that she has an emotional attachment.

 

Basically what I'm saying is, you need to man up, or she will step on your balls.

 

She needs to go NC NOW. No ifs ands or butts. And if she doesn't want to go no contact, then she should be dusting off the suitcase.

[lkjh]

sigh...you are making excuses for her. I hate to say this, but you will let her walk all over you again.

 

You shouldn't give a crap if the OM is in a great deal of pain.

It isn't your problem that she has an emotional attachment.

 

Basically what I'm saying is, you need to man up, or she will step on your balls.

 

She needs to go NC NOW. No ifs ands or butts. And if she doesn't want to go no contact, then she should be dusting off the suitcase.

 

I agree, so far she has cheated and constantly lied to you and all you do is take it. She hasn't ended her affair and for some reason you are allowing this. Also, you haven't seemed to realize that people in affairs lie. You are trying to hard to believe that all she wants is you and that she ended the affair to be with you.

 

You need to set some rules, stick to them, and man up. Otherwise 5 months from now you will catch her with him again.

 

Another point, stop being so nice. The only reason why the OM writes things about being hurt is because he knows your wife is reading it.

[MadMission]

"Last night I asked her to stop all reading."

 

Monk, did she agree?

I mean look you in the eye and say "baby, I will NEVER read that blog again." ?? Did she say it with conviction? Or, did she half-heartedly agree...spitting out the answer that she knew you wanted to hear?

 

You are SO not out of the woods yet.

Keep eyes wide open...for like the next year or so.

With a deeply emotional A, the pull to have even the slightest contact, is SO strong, and it does not go away for a VERY long time, if ever. And, some WS will throw everything away for just one more 'hit.'

Sometimes the WS just goes further underground to maintain some kind of connection to OM.

 

Maybe your WW is successfully slowly emotionally detaching from OM.

I give you credit for how hard you are trying to R, despite the knowledge that your WW still has such strong feelings for OM.

I know how much that hurts.

I understand exactly how you feel.

 

If your W has a saddness about her for the next several days, weeks, or even months, it could be because she DID, in fact, finally sever all contact with OM and she is going through a grieving period. A good sign, actually.

 

When you are dealing with a proven liar, it is SO hard to know if they are ever being truthful with you.

 

It's pretty sad.

 

Be careful.

Good luck.

[mnm]

You should absolutely not be OK with this. I went through something similar. Found out about the EA, he told me it was done. But he still had contact (strictly email/phone) for about a month after. When I found out I told him in no uncertain terms if he did not stop, we were done, over with I was not going to continue to try my a$$ off to work on our marriage is this other person was involved.

Because if he/she is still in the picture, you can't work on it.

 

He ended it permanently, not her. She had tried to contact him for about 3 to 4 weeks after my ultimatum and he ignored her. Finally, he sent her a message and said that he was done and couldn't continue talking to her if he wanted his marriage to work out.

 

I know its hard. I wish I was stronger back then because I would have moved out if only for a little while to make him think about what he really wanted/needed. Or stood up to him a more.

 

It's been about 6 1/2 months since Dday, and 5 1/2 months since last contact he had with her until he finally said leave me alone.

 

I in no uncertain terms was not willing to let my marriage go without a fight as well because our marriage was rocky when it happened, we both had to work on things.

 

Good Luck!! Just stay strong and stick to your guns, unfortunately, there will be a lot of arguments (probably), but speak your mind, I wish I would have a little more. Don't be afraid, because if she wants to work it out with you, your strength will not scare her away.

[The Monk]

I expected some of the harsh responses that I have gotten from looking around. Listen, if you want to live your life in constant fear and feel the need to wallow in paranoia, be my guest. I choose not to live my life that way and so am choosing a different path. I know what I am getting into and I will take care of myself and my children. I know who I am and where my place is in the world. Every forum has its trolls, thanks to those who helped.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I expected some of the harsh responses that I have gotten from looking around. Listen, if you want to live your life in constant fear and feel the need to wallow in paranoia, be my guest. I choose not to live my life that way and so am choosing a different path. I know what I am getting into and I will take care of myself and my children. I know who I am and where my place is in the world. Every forum has its trolls, thanks to those who helped.

 

Denial is a strong feeling my friend. Dont be so blind as to ignore it...

 

She had an affair who's to say she wont do it again, with him or someone else. It's the worse case scenario... we plan ahead. that's what we do here.

 

Many people have been there done that, and gotten the divorce. Dont discount their words.

[Dexter Morgan]

I expected some of the harsh responses that I have gotten from looking around. Listen, if you want to live your life in constant fear and feel the need to wallow in paranoia, be my guest. I choose not to live my life that way and so am choosing a different path. I know what I am getting into and I will take care of myself and my children. I know who I am and where my place is in the world. Every forum has its trolls, thanks to those who helped.

 

we are telling you these things because we have been in your shoes.

 

but hey, by all means, let her walk all over you and quit b!tching about it then if the above is all you have to say about the advice we have given.

 

dont browbeat her any more, drop it, get over it, and move on if you already knew the answers to your questions and concerns. Forget all of us that have been there, done that, completely forgive her and don't mention another word to her about it if we are so off base.

 

Good luck with that.

[The Monk]

I am only posting this now to provide my views should someone care. To the hardliners, I understand completely where you are coming from. I had my days of compulsively checking emails, phones, etc. I grilled her on where she was going and who she was tallking to and did all the things that some of you think should be done every day until some unspecified point. I am choosing not to do that anymore, not because I am ignoring reality and pretending that the danger is passed. I am doing so because if the only way I can be sure that she is being faithful is to install key loggers, track everything, and become her cop, I don't want her. That is not a relationship I would ever choose.

 

I completely understand that without changes from her that she is virtually guaranteed to do this again. We are setting the boundaries where they should be and are seeking counseling. My disagreement with you is only in the way that the relationship moves forward.

 

I knew that something was wrong when this began and my mistake was that I was too indirect when I called her on it and I accepted what she said at face value. If this happens again despite the work we are doing, I will notice the signs again and I will ask her straight out what is happening and I won't be as trusting of the answer if it does not make complete sense. However, until that day comes I am going to do my best to trust her and not be her jailer.

 

Choosing this path is not weakness. Think about it. Does it really take no strength to face your worst fear head on? To me, that is a hell of a lot harder than wrapping myself in my anxiety and just waiting for her to screw up again. If I do that, I am creating a self-fulfilling prophesy. Nobody with any self respect would agree to a life sentence of mistrust and anger. Eventually they would resent it and either leave or decide to do exactly what it is that they are being accused of.

 

I really do not know what will happen. I think that I do, but that is just my belief and opinion. If the worst comes to pass I will pick myself up and go on. If it doesn't, then I have gotten to the promised land. No matter which happens, at least I will have gotten there with my self respect intact.

[zilgurl]

I know that there is still emotional attachment, though that is fading. Due to family reasons and personality she has boundary problems and we are working on that. The OM is married also and is in a great deal of pain. She sees that and wants to help. I am the type of person that wants to help whenever I see someone in pain so I struggle too.

I just told her that I want everything to stop and she agreed. I "put up" with her because we love each other very much and are trying to rebuild our marriage. My trust is broken, but I refuse to live my life as the hovering H. Everyone's boundaries are different and I am just trying to define mine. I really appreciate the input. This is so damn hard.

 

You know if you two have a genuine love for each other then the key is to connect and communicate so damned hard that her interest will fade in OM. Talk about deep and meaningful things about you both connect connect connect.....!!!! The other thing is to love yourself so much and be clear a bout your personal boundaries. My H has decided to split because he formed an EA with a woman but shes now left the country and we have connected really well but sadly he doesnt have the same love for me as I have for him so has decided to move on. Thats why I said if you two love each other then go for it. Live like theres no tomorrow. Show love and respect to each other and if your onot OK with the blog thing, then let her know and if it continues then let there be consequences. Better to focus on making something positive than focus on the neg. Good Luck and best wishes. My heart is still broken.

[seibert253]

Counseling will go a long way Monk. I wish your marrige well. We all agree that without trust, you have no marriage. But, trust should not be be given blindly, as many of us made that mistake in the past. If you go back to blind trust so soon, you will get burned. Based upon what you've told us, she not clear of the fog yet, and you have alot of emotions yet to surface. You're still in the hurt and dismay stage of this. Later, the anger and resentment will come. Just be weary of that.

 

No one here is saying you have to check up on your wife for the rest of your life. If your married to someone that untrustworth, then they are not worth being married to. What we are saying is be careful until her fogginess is gone. She's come a long way, but she still has a way to go. She sounds as if she's becoming more and more committed to you and her marriage, but until she loses all urges to "check up on and see how he's doing", she's not there.

 

The old saying runs true, trust but verify. We are not saying go behind her every single time she's on the computer or cell phone, but occasionally to a peak to verify she is where she needs to be, and for your own sanity. It is part of the healing process and you're just starting down that path.