justawish Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Ok so this is my first post as I am working on my whole story to post later. In short he's had multiple affairs. He is now in IC and is in SAA. I am also in IC but only been once. I am still here and pretty much consumed by this. I play "the movies" in my head all day. It has really sucked the life out of me. DDay (the real one to my knowledge) was July 3. He "came clean" He has given me details when I asked then stopped and told me no. His C told him not to. Well now I told him its a requirement for me. So I have asked him some of the things again like how long did it go on for? How many times with this last one? Things like that. Well I got a different answer for these 2 things this time. (Compared to in July) Is this a red flag? I am not purely convinced that he can change. This has been going on for so long I just don't know how he is capable. He is taking all the right steps but I feel like if I stay its almost like setting myself up. Can someone really change and if so how do you know that they wont do it again. Please any opinions / comments are welcome.
2sunny Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 i wouldn't expect improvement if he's unwilling to reveal the whole truth. i would want to hear straight from the counselor if that was the advice he was given. i highly doubt that was what was said. how can the healing begin if you don't understand what your trying to deal with, heal from, get past?
jennie-jennie Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 You are dealing with a sex addiction obviously. Addictions can be managed through the many anonymous programs available. Noone can say now whether your boyfriend is going to make it or not. Are there any anonymous family groups for sex addicts, like Al-Anon for the families of alcoholics? Or other support groups you can go to? This would likely help you more than to concentrate on the details of what your boyfriend did. If it truly is an addiction, then you need not take it personally either. That is difficult to do of course. My SO had sex addictive behaviour, and was cheating repeatedly with other women. Once he started to go to AA, it helped him with his infidelity issues as well. Take care of yourself. Your boyfriend has to take responsibility for his own recovery. The best way you can support him is by taking care of yourself.
Author justawish Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 i wouldn't expect improvement if he's unwilling to reveal the whole truth. i would want to hear straight from the counselor if that was the advice he was given. i highly doubt that was what was said. how can the healing begin if you don't understand what your trying to deal with, heal from, get past? Well thats the thing... She also told me that I need to stop asking for details. Its only going to hurt me more and wont do any good for the relationship to move forward.
jennie-jennie Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Well thats the thing... She also told me that I need to stop asking for details. Its only going to hurt me more and wont do any good for the relationship to move forward. Listen to the counselor. I believe she is right.
Author justawish Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 You are dealing with a sex addiction obviously. Addictions can be managed through the many anonymous programs available. Noone can say now whether your boyfriend is going to make it or not. Are there any anonymous family groups for sex addicts, like Al-Anon for the families of alcoholics? Or other support groups you can go to? This would likely help you more than to concentrate on the details of what your boyfriend did. If it truly is an addiction, then you need not take it personally either. That is difficult to do of course. My SO had sex addictive behaviour, and was cheating repeatedly with other women. Once he started to go to AA, it helped him with his infidelity issues as well. Take care of yourself. Your boyfriend has to take responsibility for his own recovery. The best way you can support him is by taking care of yourself. Ok for the sake of details. This is my H we have been married for 7 + years. He is in SAA (sex addicts annon) In regards to taking care of myself, that has to be the hardest part. Its like I don't even know what that means anymore or even where to start. Thanks for posting about your SO that does give me a tiny sliver of hope...
Author justawish Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 I just thought I'd throw this in here because maybe some other BS can relate. Why is it that most (ok some but alot) men cheat with women who are uglier than the wife. I know this wasn't due to me "letting myself go" or being a prude. When I walked into the C office the first time after he'd gone she said "Oh my God, you're stunning, I didn't know what to expect." And I hate to even bring up that point but whenever I used to think of a man cheating it was always the "old maid" wife that was a nun in the bedroom traded in for the hot secratary who could make his fantasies come true. Dumb but true.
jennie-jennie Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Ok for the sake of details. This is my H we have been married for 7 + years. He is in SAA (sex addicts annon) In regards to taking care of myself, that has to be the hardest part. Its like I don't even know what that means anymore or even where to start. Thanks for posting about your SO that does give me a tiny sliver of hope... Having been the SO of an alcoholic for many years, I know how you get affected yourself by addictive behaviours. That is why we need to start our own recovery process. We need to stop focusing on our loved one and his addictive behaviour. Look at it as an illness, try to detach from it, understand you are powerless over his addiction. What you can do is help yourself. The Serenity Prayer is good at times like these: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
jennie-jennie Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I just thought I'd throw this in here because maybe some other BS can relate. Why is it that most (ok some but alot) men cheat with women who are uglier than the wife. I know this wasn't due to me "letting myself go" or being a prude. When I walked into the C office the first time after he'd gone she said "Oh my God, you're stunning, I didn't know what to expect." And I hate to even bring up that point but whenever I used to think of a man cheating it was always the "old maid" wife that was a nun in the bedroom traded in for the hot secratary who could make his fantasies come true. Dumb but true. An alcoholic doesn't care what kind of alcohol he drinks. He will consume it all. Bet it is the same with a sex addict. Going to IC is a good way of starting to take care of yourself.
bentnotbroken Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Well thats the thing... She also told me that I need to stop asking for details. Its only going to hurt me more and wont do any good for the relationship to move forward. So basically your counselor is advising you to build your marriage on lies. If I were you I would be looking for a new counselor asap.
jennie-jennie Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 So basically your counselor is advising you to build your marriage on lies. If I were you I would be looking for a new counselor asap. I don't agree with this. Justawish, you already know that your husband has a love addiction, you know it is bad, really bad. You know this is not new behaviour. Nobody seeks help at SAA before they have fallen pretty deep in addictive behaviour. It is like watching horror movies. I know they exist, but I choose not to watch them, because they affect my well-being. How would knowing all the details of your husband's infidelity help you in any way? It would just put pictures in your mind you would have problem getting rid of. Your counselor is a professional. We here on the forum are not. I would trust her on this.
Spark1111 Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I just thought I'd throw this in here because maybe some other BS can relate. Why is it that most (ok some but alot) men cheat with women who are uglier than the wife. I know this wasn't due to me "letting myself go" or being a prude. When I walked into the C office the first time after he'd gone she said "Oh my God, you're stunning, I didn't know what to expect." And I hate to even bring up that point but whenever I used to think of a man cheating it was always the "old maid" wife that was a nun in the bedroom traded in for the hot secratary who could make his fantasies come true. Dumb but true. The counselor is a jerk. Find a new one, pronto. Most men do not cheat based on looks. It is how the OW makes them feel that addicts them. Many men "affair down" because it empowers them to feel superior to the woman they are cheating on the wife with. The rate of success in a reconciling marriage where all details the BS needs to heal are NOT disclosed is a dismal 55%. Where all truth is disclosed, it is 87%. HUGE DIFFERENCE. Like wise OWL has stated on LS many times, "I need to know what it is that I am being asked to forgive." Truer words have never been spoken.
MadMission Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 "Well thats the thing... She also told me that I need to stop asking for details. Its only going to hurt me more and wont do any good for the relationship to move forward." So, anotherwords, your C feels that what you don't know won't hurt you. Funny, cause that is exactly the mentality of the WS which drives all the lying and deceit which sustains an A. The C is encouraging your WH to continue to keep secrets from you, to continue to keep you in the dark, and to continue to hurt you. Nice. Sorry, but that is just messed up. It is not a surprise that you WH has lied to you in the aftermath about the details of his A. He would rather continue to deceive you than have to face the consequences of his infidelity. He WILL do and say things which make the fallout easier on HIM. It's just more selfishness. Unfortunately, this all sends you a message...that he is not actually genuinely remoreseful and is not willing to do everything he can to help you and the M heal. It's STILL all about HIM.
NOTSURE7 Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 You need and deserve all of the details if thats what you want..But i will caution that after awhile asking about the same details over and over again can be harmful to yourself and to your progress as a couple.. I confessed my A to my W and it has now been 7 weeks since dday,I gave her every honest details she wanted right away,i continued to answer her questions no matter how graphic or how much i knew it would hurt her even more than i had already.But it was also helpful to me to be able to get it all out there and know that i can be honest with her and that i am no longer harboring things.Your h needs to do this for you if you want to have a chance. You also mentioned nothing as to if your H has gone Nc(no contact) with his affair partner or affair partners, this is very important, I did this and it really makes a difference, i can at least look my wife in the eyes and know that i am being truthful. You should also ask your H to get an std test, especially in the case of a sex addiction, you deserve to know he is clean going forward, as embarrasing as it was for me, a married man at my age to be getting tested for std's,it gave my W and myself peace of mind and was another step in moving forward. We continue to move forward and i will tell you from my experience that i know 100% that me providing true and honest details to my wife when she needed them has helped her immesely and if that is something that you need, you cannot let any counselor or your H tell you differently, you need to do what helps you first and ultimately you and your H for a stronger,honest m going forward.
bentnotbroken Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I don't agree with this. Justawish, you already know that your husband has a love addiction, you know it is bad, really bad. You know this is not new behaviour. Nobody seeks help at SAA before they have fallen pretty deep in addictive behaviour. It is like watching horror movies. I know they exist, but I choose not to watch them, because they affect my well-being. How would knowing all the details of your husband's infidelity help you in any way? It would just put pictures in your mind you would have problem getting rid of. Your counselor is a professional. We here on the forum are not. I would trust her on this. You actually don't know the details of any of our personal lives. You make an assumption that may not be true. You may not be a counselor, someone else on here may be licensed practicing counselor, with issues just like ever other profession.
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