lastout_82 Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 im stuck and i dont know what to do. wife wanted seperation, then few weeks later wanted a legal seperation. but i havent seen any paper work. i didnt want that then, dont know now. Dont know if i should just go file for seperation or not. i want to work on things but sometimes now i dont. i just dont think we will be the same togather. things wont be "right" between us. dont really know what i should do.Trying the 180 been about a month now. but everytime i find out she is getting deeper and deeper involved in the other guy that started as an EA and i belive it has became physical. I just dont see my self trusting, beliving or loving her again. I dont know if i should just file for divorce, but how would that make me look, i dont want to be the "quitter" and i dont want to give up. but i feel she has already given up. What to DO?
seibert253 Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Are the two of you still living together? If you are, she needs to go, NOW. Pack her things for her, have them sitting in the front yard when she gets home. Have you given her an ultimatium, end this now or we're done? You need to. It's time to stand for yourself. Read up on the 180 and start right now. Your are not the one failing, you are not the one whose given up. She is. Give her the opportunity, (utlimatium) to fix what's broke. If she doesn't want to, then time to move on. It's time to start living for you, on your terms.
Author lastout_82 Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 She asked me to leave before I found out hoow deep she was involved with the other man. So I did. Its been about amonth now and haven't heard anything about fixing it She takes kids to daycare my schuldel doesn't allow it.
2sunny Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 i'd file and serve her. her actions tell you she's unwilling to work on the marriage. give her what she's asked for - file.
Author lastout_82 Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 Let me catch up. Mid May she texted me saying she wanted to split up for a while. i said come home talk about it. found out there was a "friend" she was talking too, and meeting up with. we talked and talked till early june. she asked for a seperation. so i waited and waited because i didnt want the be the one who "left". it was hard for me to leave that house anyway due to kids. I left after she told me if i dont then she will pack up kids and leave and file leagal seperation.by this time she was off and on with the guy telling me it was over then i would find out it wasnt. So i left. around mid july. She would go from i want to"work on it" to "im done" week to week. Then the one time i did come back an stay at house for a night she told me she wanted a legal seperation. Now ive been gone for a few weeks, didnt have a job for a while and now i do, we talk on phone about kids, i try 180 when i can. i havent seen any paper work about seperation, when we talk her attitude one day might be the "old" her and sometimes its the bitch that wanted me to leave. everyone around me tells me i should work on it but my gut says file the D and go. She told me when i left that she wanted the happly eveer after with me and i just dont think it will be the same anymore. I mean i love her, and i wish it would work out. but i dont know if it will be the same anymore.
Enema Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 You shouldn't have left, she's the one who wanted a separation, she should leave. I don't know anything about US law, but I think it also does you no favours if this ever goes to divorce because you leaving can be construed as abandonment. IMO, she has asked for separation because she wants to "try out" this other guy and see if it works. If it doesn't, she'll suddenly and quite insincerely realize how great you are and will want to work it out with you.... until the next guy. I don't know about you, but I'm no ones backup plan.
Author lastout_82 Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 ive been thinking alot about the back up thing. i dont want to be her back up plan. i love my kids very dearly and normally, were i come from couples do anything to keep their kids in a happy marriage. i know i shouldnt have left, but she would leave for a weekend, bascily if there was anytime that "we" had togather she would leave with or without the kids. "Im going to **** house ill be back sunday" I didnt have a job then, i had no way of paying any bill for that home, the daycare schudle confilicted with mine now, didnt then. Just really want to break it off, probly will when i get apt very soon and see myself again. really just want my brain back, cant stop thinking about the things ive seen or heard. Ive left thats done, got deceant job, now were do i go from here with her. keep 180 up, find my own place? Just really lost.
seibert253 Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Move back into your house. You not being there gives her uninterrupted access to OM. If there's any hope to end her A, you need to be a thorn in the side of the A. Just show up and announce, "I'm baaaaack". Not a damn thing she can do about it. Then run the 180 hardcore. Yeah it's gonna be a b#tch, it's gonna suck, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. Is the OM married or have a GF? Does you and your wife's family, friends, etc, know what's going on. Nothing ends an A quicker then exposing it to the light. EXPOSE, EXPOSE AND EXPOSE SOME MORE. A's only thrive and darkness and secrecy. Yeah she's gonna be pizzed, but she started this. If you haven't, contact an attorney ASAP. If she doesn't show any signs of defogging, file and have her served. Only the smack of reality seems to wake some WW's. Peace and good luck. Keep up posted.
Author lastout_82 Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 I thought about just showing up, and moving back in. there are alot of questions there. What if she takes kids and leaves What if she leaves and i cant afford to pay for the place. What if she leaves and i cant get the kids to daycare and get to work on time. only thing i know about the other guy is he used to work with her or still does.i also heard he was bad news bears from many many people. I told her mother about the other man, she doesnt like me anyway, and she called her mom and made it sound like i was telling a story. Should i just show up and stay there? I fear she will take kids and leave and i wont be able to afford it. truly all i see if i show up is pushig her further away, and it continuning right infront of me over the phone. dont know how it would help if i just show up.
seibert253 Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 As I said, contact an attorney ASAP. If she wants to go, let her, but the Kids stay. It's go time, you need to stand up, be a man/dad, and do whatever it takes to take care of your family. If you have to sell the house, so be it. Your wife is walking all over you and taking advantage of your compassion. She will continue to do so as long as you let her. Maybe it's just time to file and be done with it.
Author lastout_82 Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 truly i want to be there, but i dont want to be there for her right now.i want to be there for the kids. we dont own the place. if she leaves with the kids i cant stay there and pay the rent. if she just leaves i cant take the kids to daycare and get to work. have to be at work 2 hrs before kids need to be in daycare. dont know really. iknow i cant afford that place alone, i know i just dont want to file papers yet being it might work in a month or more. just lost, really lost.
MrMayI Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 truly i want to be there, but i dont want to be there for her right now.i want to be there for the kids. we dont own the place. if she leaves with the kids i cant stay there and pay the rent. if she just leaves i cant take the kids to daycare and get to work. have to be at work 2 hrs before kids need to be in daycare. dont know really. iknow i cant afford that place alone, i know i just dont want to file papers yet being it might work in a month or more. just lost, really lost. i'm with you bro, but you have to do what your gut tells you to, or you'll just sit and stagnate and never move forward. file, and if she doesn't want that, you'll know right away. if i were you though, i'd do everything to try and at least get joint. one thing i can say just for myself, is when my wife said she wanted to separate, i told her she could take her belongings and car, but everything, including our daughter stays with me. she didn't realize it at the time, but i now have a very strong case against her for walking and leaving the child behind.
Auroracoladybug Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Get with a lawyer ASAP and file so that you can begin getting your kids on a regular basis...I think because of the schedule conflict that you should find something you can afford and then set up visitation for the kids...once you have the ability to take the kids it sound like what she did in the past will probably happen again and she will go to so and so's house or need to have you watch the kids etc...I think you have a case against abandonment because she said she would move out and you wanted to keep the kids in the best environment.
TrustInYourself Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 What 180? You are being pushed around. How old are the kids? What can you work out with your work? What can you work out with your family to support you in this time of need? Are you going to rationalize her misbehavior or take action?
Author lastout_82 Posted August 28, 2009 Author Posted August 28, 2009 2 boys, 3 and 1. Have to be at work at 530am, no questions. they have to be at daycare at 730-430, i get off work anywere from 3pm to 6pm not set times. Have parents, staying with them, asked for enough out of them they cant help my times anyway. i went by to see the kids on my way to interview. Unannounce. Knocked on door, she opened it and started to come out and close it, i pushed it open and said im here to spend sometime with kids. which i was. Then she kept asking me to leave and take the kids for a Walk. I said no, im here to sit and play with them, for a hour or so then ill be gone. But she was acting funny the whole time. Like she was guarding something. I told her she was acting weird and she just said. can you say that onemore time i dont belive you said it enough. then i wanted to get some socks, being i wear boots now, i only have ankle socks and they kill me. she said she would go in there and get them because she said i wanted to snoop around the house. is it just me or do you belive someone might of been there, guess i asked for that when i left but come on. the kids are there, shouldnt put them through that soo soon. we are not even legaly seperated. ive been gone about 4 weeks. she was acting like a femaldog the whole time, rude, and rude words. one time she told me to get the heck out. i said you get the fck out its my place, im being a nice guy, spending time with kids and giving you 140 dollars. i think it was someone, im going to treat it that way just by how she acted. when i go back sunday to drop off boys, getting in writing a "agreement" how much i will pay her a month, what times and days i will get boys, and the fact she asked me to leave, mutipule times. and she will sighn it, or i wont go anywere. if she does sign and date it im going to laywer next week and filing for divorce. then im moving all my stuff out and taking my name off the lease 2 weeks later. that way i cant be accused of abandoment. which i will put on paper she left a few times also with or without the kids. i just wanted the boys to stay in a "safe" place, its a better enviroment, they get to daycare better and i bounce around alot. It was long give me your impression...
SRV Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 Don't even waste your time writing an agreement and coercing her to sign it? It will not hold up in any court of law, especially where kids are involved. What you might want to consider is concentrate solely on taking care of your kids. Stop giving her the $140, and use that money as a reatiner for a lawyer. She is gaslighting you and is pushing the limits to see how much you can take.
seibert253 Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 2 boys, 3 and 1. Have to be at work at 530am, no questions. they have to be at daycare at 730-430, i get off work anywere from 3pm to 6pm not set times. Have parents, staying with them, asked for enough out of them they cant help my times anyway. i went by to see the kids on my way to interview. Unannounce. Knocked on door, she opened it and started to come out and close it, i pushed it open and said im here to spend sometime with kids. which i was. Then she kept asking me to leave and take the kids for a Walk. I said no, im here to sit and play with them, for a hour or so then ill be gone. But she was acting funny the whole time. Like she was guarding something. I told her she was acting weird and she just said. can you say that onemore time i dont belive you said it enough. then i wanted to get some socks, being i wear boots now, i only have ankle socks and they kill me. she said she would go in there and get them because she said i wanted to snoop around the house. is it just me or do you belive someone might of been there, guess i asked for that when i left but come on. the kids are there, shouldnt put them through that soo soon. we are not even legaly seperated. ive been gone about 4 weeks. she was acting like a femaldog the whole time, rude, and rude words. one time she told me to get the heck out. i said you get the fck out its my place, im being a nice guy, spending time with kids and giving you 140 dollars. i think it was someone, im going to treat it that way just by how she acted. when i go back sunday to drop off boys, getting in writing a "agreement" how much i will pay her a month, what times and days i will get boys, and the fact she asked me to leave, mutipule times. and she will sighn it, or i wont go anywere. if she does sign and date it im going to laywer next week and filing for divorce. then im moving all my stuff out and taking my name off the lease 2 weeks later. that way i cant be accused of abandoment. which i will put on paper she left a few times also with or without the kids. i just wanted the boys to stay in a "safe" place, its a better enviroment, they get to daycare better and i bounce around alot. It was long give me your impression... This is why you move back into your home RIGHT NOW. The other guy was hiding in your bedroom closet when you were there. You have just as much right to your home as she does. Are you just going to stand there doing nothing while she's pulling this sh#t. She has the upmost disrespect for you and your kids and you are absolutely doing nothing about it. You are aiding and abeting her behavior. Eventually she's going to turn her kids against you, saying "daddy abandoned us and left" Bullsh#t. Man up, grow a pair, and stand up for yourself. You're a dormat, she's walking all the f#ck over you, and you just lay and and allow it. Contact and attorney, file for divorce, and move back into your house. You need to make carrying on this A as difficult as possible. IMO, your marriage is done. Time to look out for you and your kids. Pizz on your wife.
Dominoes282 Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 real advice... file the papers yourself it makes her look bad
Author lastout_82 Posted August 29, 2009 Author Posted August 29, 2009 I go next week to finish papers, well have to get seperation for 1 year and 1 day before i can divorce in this state. Took my name off lease and dont really want to be in that house. im happy were i am at. she cant get me for anyform of abandonment my lawyer discussed laws. i get the kids everyweekend and i only give her 75 a week or 300 on the 1st of everymonth, thats the agreement settled with lawyer. i agree she has disrespected everything. and i lost all respect for her, any feeling i ever had is gone after what she did. I just dont want to be in that home. its not mine now im not resposible, we were legaly seperated when i moved out i just like to have somethings in writing, so then i cant be told you owe me this and that. Thanks for all the tips, keep it up please. Any ideas would be great. ideas on anything.
Auroracoladybug Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 Last out...I am glad that you have gotten legal advice...I don't know where you live but that sucks for time! I wouldn't worry about the little stuff if you have an attorney. Just get your time with your boys...they need it more than you will ever know
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