SummerLady Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I have been divorced for about 1 year. The divorce was for the best. Marriage was not meant to be. In the midst of the divorce and all the drama or change it never "Really" hit me. I failed at marriage. It does not matter who was to blame , who said or did what. I failed at marriage. I am not feeling sorry for myself or wanting sympathy. But for some odd reason this just hit me. Not its my fault, not its his fault, just failed. That hit me like a ton of bricks. Took the wind right out of me. Not mad, not sad, just making a observation. Its ok but its the truth.
floridapad Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Ahhh. You are having a revelation. Don't let it go. Use it to look at yourself in the relationship and YOUR part in the failure not his. It's a bit painful but you will be glad you did because what you learn about yourself (without blaming the other person) is something that you can take into the next relationship. Second marriages fail at a rate higher than primary marriages because people don't do enough true sould searching. Don't let this go.
tojaz Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I have been divorced for about 1 year. The divorce was for the best. Marriage was not meant to be. In the midst of the divorce and all the drama or change it never "Really" hit me. I failed at marriage. It does not matter who was to blame , who said or did what. I failed at marriage. I am not feeling sorry for myself or wanting sympathy. But for some odd reason this just hit me. Not its my fault, not its his fault, just failed. That hit me like a ton of bricks. Took the wind right out of me. Not mad, not sad, just making a observation. Its ok but its the truth. SummerLady, I will admit upfront, that I haven't read your story, so this will be a bit all encompassing. It is the wrong viewpoint to say that YOU failed. It is the marriage that failed. A marriage has a lot of factors to make it work. those contributions need to be made by both people. Whatever happened had a reason, but unless you married for money, or a green card, or some other selfish purpose, I'm sure you married for the right reasons and did the best you knew how to. Yes, the marriage ended, but that dosen't make you to blame for the failure, as long as you gave all you could. TOJAZ
delajoonal Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 summer... don't look at IT like YOU failed your marriage.. take this time, to realize your mistakes and learn from them...so you can move on and be a better YOU..and for the next relationship...you will know better the next time:) now i remember seeing you months back, but not sure if you were the leaver?? anyway, i believe the person that leaves and gives up..IS THE FAILURE... how does GUnny say it? "it only takes ONE to break it" meaning if you tried and your spouse did not .... than YOU DID NOT fail...your spouse did...your spouse failed at giving you and your marriage a second chance...a shot at a new beginning.... good to see you summer lady...just sorry you are NOT having a good time of it these days?. or i don't know, maybe i read it wrong, and this realization IS a good thing:laugh: in that case..cheers!!!
tojaz Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 My husband cheated on me most of my marriage. That is from your first post in Apr. WHO FAILED WHO!! marriage is a commitment. If any one person failed, he failed you!!! TOJAZ
OceanBlue Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 anyway, i believe the person that leaves and gives up..IS THE FAILURE... how does GUnny say it? "it only takes ONE to break it" meaning if you tried and your spouse did not .... than YOU DID NOT fail...your spouse did...your spouse failed at giving you and your marriage a second chance...a shot at a new beginning.... The leaver can also be the one who tried. I insisted on MC. He stopped going. I went for IC. He wouldn't. I realized a year later that nothing had changed. I left the M. I gave up on him ever trying to make it work. Does that make me the FAILURE?? I think not. Though I do struggle still with issues of failing at marriage. I prefer to think of it as being strong enough to get out of a bad situation.
utterer of lies Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I have been divorced for about 1 year. The divorce was for the best. Marriage was not meant to be. In the midst of the divorce and all the drama or change it never "Really" hit me. I failed at marriage. It does not matter who was to blame , who said or did what. I failed at marriage. I am not feeling sorry for myself or wanting sympathy. But for some odd reason this just hit me. Not its my fault, not its his fault, just failed. That hit me like a ton of bricks. Took the wind right out of me. Not mad, not sad, just making a observation. Its ok but its the truth. Luckily there are way more important things in life than something as trivial as a marriage.
Tayla Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 OCEAN-thanks for sharing that spin on the truth. It was so validating that it takes courage to leave sometimes when you did TRY! Yes the reality is that the marriage can FAIL and no matter how you weave it, it didnt meet its fullness and dreams that were cast during the vows. That is the failure part. But not the persons. Sure we fall short and sometimes yes we were contributors to the final outcome, but with lesson comes opportunity. Take the opportunity to say YUP that was a humdinger of a marriage( good or bad), it had a purpose.
Author SummerLady Posted August 28, 2009 Author Posted August 28, 2009 That is from your first post in Apr. WHO FAILED WHO!! marriage is a commitment. If any one person failed, he failed you!!! TOJAZ I know.......
tojaz Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 I know....... So quit beating yourself up, and find someone more deserving! TOJAZ
Gunny376 Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 How in the World do you think you've gotten as far in this Life as you have? That's right! By failing! Failing to ride a bike the first time, damn near drowning the first time you failed, on and on. People fail all the time! More people fail in business than succeed. Read a book on the Life of Abraham Lincoln ~ he was one of the biggest failures of all time! Everything he touched failed. Save one! Preserving the United States Of America. Was able to do so because he learned from his failures. Before inventing the light bulb, Thomas Edison failed over 1,000 times. The first time I shot an M-16 to qualify on a Marine KD course rifle range? I failed. Was sent back the following week, and I qualified Rifle Expert for the next nineteen years. Its not that you failed ~ he failed? Its how you look at failure? A lot about life is your perspective and attitude. You can choose to see the glass as half empty or half full. There within lies the balance. When the Marines first entered Bella Woods during WWII the French Army was in full retreat in front of the Germans. A French Army not only told a Marine Captain to follow him, but begged him to do so! "Retreat Hell! We just got here!" Its all about learning, growing, improvising, adapting, and overcoming! My little sister, (a Texas gal) came with a type a brain tumor that made medical history in that no one under the age of six ever came down with? She was 38. She told the Dr's, "I die when I get good and damned ready to do so and not a minute before!" She's been in remission for sixteen years! Ninety percent of Life? Is just showing up ~ the rest is perspective and attitude! It can be as good as you want to make it? Or as bad as you want to make it? The choice is yours and yours alone! I realize you don't fully appreciate my words ~ but it really is that simple. :lmao: Your not a failure! :lmao: Your a Learner!
skinman Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 How in the World do you think you've gotten as far in this Life as you have? That's right! By failing! Failing to ride a bike the first time, damn near drowning the first time you failed, on and on. People fail all the time! More people fail in business than succeed. Read a book on the Life of Abraham Lincoln ~ he was one of the biggest failures of all time! Everything he touched failed. Save one! Preserving the United States Of America. Was able to do so because he learned from his failures. Before inventing the light bulb, Thomas Edison failed over 1,000 times. The first time I shot an M-16 to qualify on a Marine KD course rifle range? I failed. Was sent back the following week, and I qualified Rifle Expert for the next nineteen years. Its not that you failed ~ he failed? Its how you look at failure? A lot about life is your perspective and attitude. You can choose to see the glass as half empty or half full. There within lies the balance. When the Marines first entered Bella Woods during WWII the French Army was in full retreat in front of the Germans. A French Army not only told a Marine Captain to follow him, but begged him to do so! "Retreat Hell! We just got here!" Its all about learning, growing, improvising, adapting, and overcoming! My little sister, (a Texas gal) came with a type a brain tumor that made medical history in that no one under the age of six ever came down with? She was 38. She told the Dr's, "I die when I get good and damned ready to do so and not a minute before!" She's been in remission for sixteen years! Ninety percent of Life? Is just showing up ~ the rest is perspective and attitude! It can be as good as you want to make it? Or as bad as you want to make it? The choice is yours and yours alone! I realize you don't fully appreciate my words ~ but it really is that simple. :lmao: Your not a failure! :lmao: Your a Learner! As always Gunny.... such sound advice and words of wisdom..... you are the MAN !!!
PWSX3 Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 At church last week the topic was about failing and the preacher used Thomas Edison and Lincoln as examples. I didn't realize how many times they had failed yet they kept going. I think it was Thomas Edison who said; I can't tell you how to do it but I can give you a 1,000 ways not to do it or something like that. When I heard that I started thinking of how many small things we learn by mistakes. When you are lost you have to ask directions. You put the dishes in the wrong place at a friends house. Doesn't mean it's bad, you just learn from not doing it correctly the first time. I have said it before, there are two people that have choices in a marriage to make it work & when the other person decides they don't want to make a go of it, there isn't anything you can do, doesn't mean you failed at all....
Gunny376 Posted September 3, 2009 Posted September 3, 2009 Life is pretty much a Get in! Sit down! Strap in! Shut the Hell up! Experience it! A lot of times? Your just going to have to grab on, hang on ~ and 'white knuckle it to the bitter end!'
Recommended Posts