nitaskeeta Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 :mad:I was in a loveless marriage, pretty much a marriage between friends. There was no passion, no real intimacy. We have a son (a great 15 year old) together and have joint custody and we text or e-mail re: child care only. We rarely speak on the phone. The divorce has been amicable. I’ve been dating my BF for about 4 months and think I’m in love for the first time in my life! HE was married 15 years and what I’ve learned is as follows: He was madly in love with her but the marriage was in trouble for years. There was one incident of “swinging” which he says was initiated by her and that she convinced him to do over a period of years. She left after he found she slept with another man. He later found out she slept with several men in their small town during their marriage. He initiated the divorce but told me he had to do it “because there was no choice and he had to save face”. Two days after their divorce was final she moved in with his first cousin. He has said several times that she “almost killed him” for a year, He went into a deep depression and rage, developed panic attacks, drank heavily, was unable to drive and prayed to die. He said he would have died if not for his son and has just recently, since meeting me, started to live again,. He has full custody and his son refuses to visit his mother and has never spent the night with her. He works full time in a high pressured job and then works 24/7 trying to take of housework and his son. They have been divorced for a year now but he admitted to meeting her several times or sex up until the week before he met me, He tells me he met her for sex only and for revenge to his cousin. He once gave her a LARGE sum of money (just a couple of months before we met) because she agreed to leave his cousin. She left for a few days, kept the money and went back to his cousin. He admitted to me about a month ago that he has felt like he was cheating on me when he sees her now because he still finds her attractive. I’ve seen his ex one time. He is 9 years older than me, he was 14 years older than her. So…she’s younger than me and as he once described,,,a “sex pot” that men always wanted, petite, long blond hair and has that flirty nature. … She doesn’t work but has been living off handouts and her new man (a drug addict). My BF says she’s a great worker but just “hasn’t been able to find a job“. He gives her gas money to drive their son to school. I am totally different. I am tall, thin but well built, short hair not flirty, self confident and I work full time as an RN. He tells me that he never thought he’d meet someone as sexy as her until he met me and that he stopped seeing her as soon as he met me. He keeps saying “I didn’t know you even existed” When she picks their son up for school she occasionally comes into the house, usually after my BF has left for work. Until we met she would come over and hang out for hours occasionally. He has told her she cant do that anymore and he told me that when we first started seeing each other she “threw a little tizzy fit” and became difficult. His son really likes me, his family seems to like me and they don’t have anything to do with his ex. I wonder though how much they like “me” or are just relieved and happy to see him happier and no longer dying, I’ve found recently that they speak sometimes several times a day. I know they MUST communicate about their son but does she need to call him just to say “I dropped him off at school” and then chat? I don’t believe he keeps anything from me. He admitted to me that last week at their son’s football game he sat with his ex, her daughter and grand daughter because the granddaughter (his step that he wasn’t close to) wanted him to sit with them and because “they had an umbrella and it was raining”. He swears he’d never be intimate with her again and would never take her back. She tried to move back once before and he didn’t let her. I think I ‘m so insecure because since I’d never had a love like that and I just worry that a love like that doesn’t go away. He tells me that the love didn’t go away…she killed it. I know he’s getting frustrated with my jealousy and I try not to be mean. I just get in a bad or sad mood and I hate feeling like this. I worry that I’m going to ruin this relationship with my insecurities and jealousy. He also admits to distrust of all women and will NEVER remarry because "marriage changes everything" Please Please…Can someone give me some words of encouragement??
Thomas X Forever Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 This guy needs professional help. Immediately. He will leech onto whoever truly gives him a chance, I'd bet. You really care about him, then tell him he NEEDS to get help. And if he really cares about you or himself, then he will oblige. Be supportive about it, not ordering. Look up Dependent Personality Disorder. See how many symptoms you recognize(d) in him.
Author nitaskeeta Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 Really??? Ouch! Thats why I'm on here. I really need some objective viewpoints. What makes you think of this disorder?
Thomas X Forever Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 His behavior is just colored up and down with that disorder. He was a doormat with someone who cheated etc., he was alone for a time and that's when he went through hell, and then you came along and now you're his statue he looks up to, as he's said in so many words. And now he still talks to his ex more than he needs to. Most likely because he just needs the attention. It's just black and white Dependent Personality Disorder in my most honest opinion. Look it up.
Author nitaskeeta Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 Okay...I looked up Dependent Personality Disorder. There were only really a couple points that really seemed to fit. "Intense fear of abandonment and a sense of devastation or helplessness when relationships end; often move right into another relationship when one ends" and perhaps "the intense fear of being alone" although other than his son he has been alone (at lest at home at night) since his divorce. I shared with him that I saw a therapist for a few visits following my divorce and learned that he thinks therapy is a joke. I know that he would NEVER see a therapist
Thomas X Forever Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 He thinks therapy is a joke? He must be a genius. Because last I checked, hundreds of thousands of peoples observations and work went into psychology. So for him to be above all that, well, this guy must really be special. Maybe had he not decided to marry and stick with a psychotic nymphomaniac who is beyond the realm of help, well, he wouldn't think therapy was a joke.
Author nitaskeeta Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 yeah...I know. I am pretty much hearing what I already knew. I just needed someone to tell me. I'm not arguing or disagreeing with your assessment but am just really trying to get to a understanding of where I am and what I should do. In looking more at symptoms of the disorder: Inability to make decisions, even everyday decisions, without the advice and reassurance of others He DOES work in upper management and makes lots of decisions independently Avoidance of personal responsibility; avoidance of jobs that require independent functioning and positions of responsibility Has assumed the responsibility of the care of his son Over-sensitivity to criticism possibly Pessimism and lack of self-confidence, including a belief that they are unable to care for themselves He takes care of himself but is extremely pessimistic Avoidance of disagreeing with others for fear of losing support or approval Oh..He'll disagree! Willingness to tolerate mistreatment and abuse from others I didnt/don't believe so Placing the needs of their caregivers above their own he has no caregivers, If I'm now considered a caregiver, then no...he doesnt
loveslife Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Wow, this guy is a trainwreck! I don't know the medical term for "trainwreck" but, once again, wow... First of all, if he's been sexually active with a sexually promiscuous woman I pray you guys use protection! Even so, I'd be really nervous and would demand he get checked. Second, think for a minute - imagine - how messed up in the head he must be to put up with this woman and to stay in such a dysfunctional relationship as long as he has. Third, your bf is telling you that he's still attracted to her. Don't kid yourself for a moment that they've stopped having sex. They have the motive and ample opportunity. Fourth, he wants you to save him, you want to save him....not the healthiest of dynamics, don'tcha think? Honestly, if he won't get help, I think you should. I know, I understand how really easy it is to fall into this type of situation but it's no mistake that this has happened to you. It's through choices you have made. THE PROBLEMS YOU FACE ARE OF YOUR OWN MAKING! This is not to say that you're a bad person, but just screwed up in your own way. Sorry if this is harsh. I'm not trying to be mean and I do feel for you. I just think you need to be really honest with yourself and find your own happiness. From what you've said, I don't see it happening with a guy like this.
Author nitaskeeta Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 Is this the general consensus everyone of reading this thread? I don't mind the harshness at all. I guess I do need a dose of reality. I didn't feel at all needed in my marriage and now I have someone who seems to need me desperately. I thought I was just coming on here to ask if I should be worried or jealous if his ex...wow! I wasn't really thinking about any psychological (or psychiatric!) aspects of this relationship. I just thought he was finally healing and beginning to be able to get on with his life/hobbies again. I do believe, because he's told me as much, that if our relationship ends he'll never let himself get attached to another woman. And I do believe he'd fall apart as badly if not worse than he was after his marriage ended.
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