NoIDidn't Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Some psychologists have likened it to a mental disorder or emotional chaos. I, personally, think it is way overrated but having experienced it at least three times in life, I do know why some (continue to) crave it. I will add more later. What do you think? Euphoria or dementia? Is it a necessary part of dating or a biological trick to get us to procreate?
Thaddeus Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 What do you think? Euphoria or dementia? Is it a necessary part of dating or a biological trick to get us to procreate?It's all those: euphoria, dementia and based in biology. The same biochemical processes that drive addictive behavior are the precise ones that get a workout during the 'falling in love' stage. That's one of the reasons why so many people end up splitting after about a year or so. That "rush" of newfound love - call it lust or infatuation, if you will - only lasts a relatively short period of time. The fantasy ideal that's spread by Hollywood and romance novels begins to fade, which is natural, and is often used as an excuse by the addict to get out of the relationship or have a fling. Usually it's preceded by the old, tired, "I love you but I'm not in love with you" drivel.
Author NoIDidn't Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 Thanks, Thaddeus. You bring up an excellent point about it being all three of those things. I saw in a book, once, the components of "love" being commitment, passion, and companionship. It showed how the "passion" part was heightened at the beginning of the relationship but almost non-existent over time. The authors seemed to be saying that relationships eventually become about commitment and companionship - not passion, while it may still make an appearance occasionally. This is one of the reasons that I am never surprised to hear someone say that they are "best friends" with their SO.
Thaddeus Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 The authors seemed to be saying that relationships eventually become about commitment and companionship - not passion' date=' while it may still make an appearance occasionally.[/quote']Well, I'm not familiar with the book you're referencing (title? author?) but I learned a long time ago from an elderly couple who were married for over 55 years that passion is fleeting. Expecting otherwise is to believe in fantasy, and completely out of touch with reality.
Author NoIDidn't Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 Well, I'm not familiar with the book you're referencing (title? author?) but I learned a long time ago from an elderly couple who were married for over 55 years that passion is fleeting. Expecting otherwise is to believe in fantasy, and completely out of touch with reality. I wish I knew which book it was. It was my mother's and she's a therapist. I have read several of her books from when she was getting her Master's, so I really don't have a title for you. I did find most of her books interesting, though. I'm interested in hearing more about the couple you knew that were married for over 55 years. I have several relatives that are coming up on 50 years, and my inlaws made it to 42+ before my MIL passed. They had no passion, but a deep and abiding commitment to each other. They were the best of friends. I was actually counselled by these couples on how fleeting passion can be. They actually seemed to be saying to find ways to hold on to it, not accept that it will fade.
deux ex machina Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Some psychologists have likened it to a mental disorder or emotional chaos. Depends on how you define "love". I, personally, think it is way overrated but having experienced it at least three times in life, I do know why some (continue to) crave it. I will add more later. I hope it never happens to me again! (Lol, j/k...or am I?) What do you think? Euphoria or dementia? Is it a necessary part of dating or a biological trick to get us to procreate? Erotic "love" is likened to a drug addiction and OCD for a reason. Interestingly enough, from what I read some people never have experience the "pulse-pounding, heart-racing" - type of "love"...I don't know what to think of these people - not sure whether to pity or envy them, Lol. This erotic "love" lasts about 2 to 4/5 years, the feeling comes from b-Phenylethylamine being released, among other things that happen. Just enough time to get hitched and have children, right? Mother Nature is one tricky bitch. There's a lot more to it of course. There are different types of love, some more lasting and lovely than others, depending on your POV: agape, platonic, ect. What do you see in a lot of breakups? Addicts, withdrawing from an addiction. I think it can be that serious, I would never want to minimize that pain, it's terrible. I'm getting over an attachment myself which I made a thread about, and even though I know a bit about this stuff, I hate how it feels. It hurts. After the rush of "falling in Love", one way to stay bonded with your SO is through touch...there's endorphins released, triggered by kisses, hugs, cuddles, and sex called Oxytoxin and Vasopressin that truly facilitate bonding a lot. When people say "no sex, no relationship" they aren't far off the mark. One problem is how people define "love" - I personally think that "erotic love" while one hell of a lot of fun! - is not an ideal love. Only because it doesn't last. Enjoy the lust, I say. It is fun, but not something to take so seriously as to do something as silly as get married/have children for "love" alone. That's insanity. The chemicals involved in "falling in love/erotic love"? Insanely powerful. Even compared to the longer-term bonding endorphins. Something like cocaine vs. a soda pop.
Author NoIDidn't Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 deux Love your post! I wonder about folks that have never had that heart pounding "love" too, but I wonder even more about the folks that seek it when they are over 40 (no offense to anyone that description fits). Being a mom and breastfeeding, I remember reading about the bonding hormone oxytocin. Its a powerful hormone, so much so that books that teach men how to be players tell them to always touch a woman on the shoulder or hand (whereever there is bare flesh) for two seconds when speaking with her. LOL. I had never heard of love-addicts until I came to this site, though. It must be a horrible condition.
kizik Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 books that teach men how to be players tell them to always touch a woman on the shoulder or hand (whereever there is bare flesh) for two seconds when speaking with her. This is really interesting, but guys are not supposed to ever touch women, lest we be the ever-feared "creepy".
Thaddeus Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I posted this before on another thread (can't find it at the moment) but here's a link to an excellent CBC Radio One program on exactly this topic, and goes into detail on the chemistry involved in romantic love. Cool stuff. Quirks & Quarks - Your Brain On Love
Author NoIDidn't Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 This is really interesting, but guys are not supposed to ever touch women, lest we be the ever-feared "creepy". People that take classes on how to be players usually ARE creepy! LOL
Author NoIDidn't Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 I posted this before on another thread (can't find it at the moment) but here's a link to an excellent CBC Radio One program on exactly this topic, and goes into detail on the chemistry involved in romantic love. Cool stuff. Quirks & Quarks - Your Brain On Love I haven't listened to the broadcast yet, but was struck by the into on Dr. Helen Fisher: "Dr. Fisher has done MRI scans of people in love and has found their brains look remarkably similar to the brains of people on addictive drugs." (emphasis mine)
deux ex machina Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Glad you like, kizik. * deux Love your post! I wonder about folks that have never had that heart pounding "love" too, but I wonder even more about the folks that seek it when they are over 40 (no offense to anyone that description fits). I'm guessing...but maybe those are the people will never write a story, never really understand what art is all about...those people. Lol Being a mom and breastfeeding, I remember reading about the bonding hormone oxytocin. Its a powerful hormone, so much so that books that teach men how to be players tell them to always touch a woman on the shoulder or hand (whereever there is bare flesh) for two seconds when speaking with her. LOL. ... They really teach that? Uber-creepy. (sooo that's what that guy was doing...) * I posted this before on another thread (can't find it at the moment) but here's a link to an excellent CBC Radio One program on exactly this topic, and goes into detail on the chemistry involved in romantic love. Cool stuff. Quirks & Quarks - Your Brain On Love Brilliant
deux ex machina Posted August 31, 2009 Posted August 31, 2009 I haven't listened to the broadcast yet' date=' but was struck by the into on Dr. Helen Fisher: "Dr. Fisher has done MRI scans of people in love and has found their brains look [b']remarkably similar to the brains of people on addictive drugs."[/b] (emphasis mine) Quick read that gives the general idea re: that (also addresses the pain of rejection + the "drive" that can compel people in love to do irrational things): "People came out of the machine crying," she said. "We won't be doing that experiment again for a long time." An interesting take away from this -- according to the article, "Brains in love and brains in lust don't look too much alike."
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