He says I cheated- how do I fix this, do I even try?

[burningashes]

This makes me cringe posting this. If you read my first thread, I broke up with my ex who I wasn't happy with for a man I wanted to date. I never told him that I slept with my ex the night we broke up. I hooked up with my boyfriend and decided it was over with my ex (we were on and off for so long that I was desperate to get out). I have since never looked back- but the thing is that, I slept with my ex the night we broke up AFTER i hooked up with my boyfriend then continued on with him.

 

He asked in the beginning if I had slept with anyone and I said no, because I was scared. I now realize that it was a really dumb move- I should have told him in the beginning, because I took away his choice of whether he wanted to stay with me or not.

 

He asked again recently and we had a huge fall out. I tried to hide the history of how I was on/off with my ex up till I met him throughout the course of our relationship and finally told him the truth of everything that night, all the lies I've made to make it so the past would go away. He told me he didn't know how he could trust me, because I have lied to him throughout our entire relationship about my ex. He said that he doesn't know me anymore, what is real and what is not.

 

I have not had any contact with the ex- I admitted that when I met him, I used him to get out of a toxic relationship and realized that he could become really important quickly that I ended everything. I was never able to go completely NC with my ex when I tried to date other people until I found him. I was finally okay with my ex not being in my life anymore, and have not looked back since.

 

He is so hurt by all this, that I lied to him repeatedly. Saturday night, he told me to put EVERYTHING on the table and I put all of my cards down. I said that I did indeed sleep with my ex whenever the both of us were single after we broke up for probably 3 years. He's upset that I slept with my ex when I broke up with him the first week we started seeing each other (we didn't become exclusive until 2 months later). I told him I would be honest with him from here on, but I'm feeling like it's not enough.

 

Then again last night, I came over and he said he doesn't want to be with a liar and wants to be with someone who doesn't do the things I did to him. I explained that I was scared, so I lied, out of fear of rejection, and that I really wished I had never done that. I apologized to him- he said he was done. He said that he thought he would want it to work out because I am a really good girlfriend but he just doesn't know how I can fix this, so he was done. I took my things and left crying- he texted me asking if I was ok to drive. I said, no, but that I was going to stay in my car for a bit. He offered to let me sleep over and we ended up sleeping in the same bed but with no intimacy any kind on both our parts. I had to ask him if I could have some pj's (I sleep naked all the time) and he smirked, gave me a tshirt of his and made some comment of how he didn't want to see me naked. So I don't know if he is really done or not, whether to push this and try to fix it.

 

He keeps coming to talk to me even up to bed time, he sat down on the bed and said he didn't understand why I felt the need to lie about it in the first place. We still have been in contact since I left his house this morning, talking about this. Does he want me to try to fix this? I am confused because if he is done, he would not respond at all, he wouldn't be telling me that things like below:

 

He says his problem is that he doesn't know if or when I am being honest even when everything on the line, I would still lie to him. He has no idea how I can ever fix that. He asked what I have done so far to deserve a second chance? "I'm not happy about this but I can accept it. I don't know what it will take for you to get it but you are carrying too much baggage right now and you would need to start doing something. I won't be coming back from Ottawa to talk about it then, so.. (text msg)" (he is leaving for Ottawa next week for a few weeks for family emergency)

 

What can I do to show him (actions) since my word is meaningless because I lied?

 

I feel terrible about this. I told him I was going to tell my mom about what I had done and I did this morning. My mom is very disappointed in me and said what I did was very wrong. She did warn me to tell him in the beginning and that I brought this on me. It makes me so mad because I was so happy and I finally moved on with him. I was scared of losing that so I tried to hide my past.

 

I've apologized repeatedly and said I would be honest from here on, that I was sorry for causing him so much pain. I would never cheat on him again (I don't consider what I did was cheating because we weren't exclusive yet and he knew I was with my ex when I hooked up with him, and I haven't been with anyone else but my boyfriend since that night I broke up with my ex- this happened in a week or so at the start). But he says he considers it cheating because once you sleep with someone and have expressed interest, you are unofficially off the market. We did agree not to see anyone else down the road afterwards, before we became exclusive. He's upset that I lied to him that I slept with someone after we hooked up, regardless of what we were at the time.

 

What can I say to him? What can actions can I take to show him that I deserve a second chance?

 

I am so mad at myself.

[Dexter Morgan]

This makes me cringe posting this. If you read my first thread, I broke up with my ex who I wasn't happy with for a man I wanted to date. I never told him that I slept with my ex the night we broke up. I hooked up with my boyfriend and decided it was over with my ex (we were on and off for so long that I was desperate to get out). I have since never looked back- but the thing is that, I slept with my ex the night we broke up AFTER i hooked up with my boyfriend then continued on with him.

 

so basically you cheated on your X AND your current bf at the same time.(and I didn't think that was even possible)

 

well, hate to say it, but you should have been a red flag to your current bf.

 

 

 

He asked in the beginning if I had slept with anyone and I said no, because I was scared. I now realize that it was a really dumb move

 

well why in the hell did you sleep with your X if you didn't want him and wanted to dump him for the other guy anyway?

 

 

He asked again recently and we had a huge fall out. I tried to hide the history of how I was on/off with my ex up till I met him throughout the course of our relationship and finally told him the truth of everything that night, all the lies I've made to make it so the past would go away. He told me he didn't know how he could trust me, because I have lied to him throughout our entire relationship about my ex.

 

well not only because you kept lying to him, but because you had exit sex when you were suppose to be dumping the X because you had a relationship with the new bf.

 

 

He said that he doesn't know me anymore, what is real and what is not.

 

I have not had any contact with the ex- I admitted that when I met him, I used him to get out of a toxic relationship

 

a toxic relationship.......of which you had to have sex for one last hurrah with the toxic relationship boyfriend.

 

if you had sex the night you broke up, then it wasn't that toxic and it was an excuse to cheat on the X with the new guy.

 

 

 

He is so hurt by all this, that I lied to him repeatedly. Saturday night, he told me to put EVERYTHING on the table and I put all of my cards down. I said that I did indeed sleep with my ex whenever the both of us were single after we broke up for probably 3 years.

 

??? uh, you said you slept with your X the night you broke up....which was AFTER you already hooked up with the new bf.

 

 

 

He keeps coming to talk to me even up to bed time, he sat down on the bed and said he didn't understand why I felt the need to lie about it in the first place.

 

not that I condone it, but I can understand you being scared.

 

The problem i'd have if I were your bf is that you had sex with an X that you are suppose to have cut ties with while you and your new bf were already an item. X's are X's for a reason, and you shagging your X with a little exit sex while already hooked up with new bf is what your bf should be focusing on more than the lying.

 

 

We still have been in contact since I left his house this morning, talking about this. Does he want me to try to fix this?

 

hes confused. he wants you, but doesn't want a cheater or a liar. when he has time to think about it, he gets angry and wants you gone....but now and then, desperation sets in and he doesn't know if he wants you gone. But even if you stay together, there will always be that cloud over his head, or your head whichever way you look at it. It will always bother him on some level.

 

So he is confused and doesn't know what he wants.

 

 

What can I do to show him (actions) since my word is meaningless because I lied?

 

again, I don't think its so much as you lied, but had exit sex with the X behind his back. Does he make mention of that at all? Or is it just lying about having the exit sex in the first place?

 

 

I've apologized repeatedly and said I would be honest from here on, that I was sorry for causing him so much pain. I would never cheat on him again (I don't consider what I did was cheating because we weren't exclusive

 

oh, but of course YOU don't see it as cheating.

 

 

yet and he knew I was with my ex when I hooked up with him

 

exactly, so why is he so surprised you cheated? he should have known what he was getting himself in to.

 

 

 

What can I say to him? What can actions can I take to show him that I deserve a second chance?

 

 

ask yourself first....why do you deserve a 2nd chance?

 

but all of what I said aside, what can you say to him? Nothing really. Damage is done. You'd have to show him with your actions, not words. And even then, if you can get him comfortable with you, once in a while, deep down, he will think about things and it will eat at him....he may just not show it.

 

all you can do is be there for him and show him in action. and the only thing I can tell you is, do not engage in activities that would be seen as condusive for cheating.....such as going clubbing with the girls and coming home at 4am....not saying you do, just making an example.

[freestyle]

If you wish to preserve your relationship, and regain you bf`s trust:

 

1. Volunteer 1000% transparency. (access to your phone and emails)

 

2.Offer, number one, don`t wait for him to ask.

 

3.Never, ever show one iota of impatience with him when he feels the need to interrogate you. Even if it takes all night.

 

4.Allow him his negative feelings, and offer comfort rather than defensiveness.

 

5.Be patient, and realize that every individual has their own timetable for learning to trust again. Everything may seem okay, and something may trigger his sense of betrayal all over again, and set him back to square one. If you show any impatience with this, you`ll lose him.

 

You`re going to have a lot of hard work ahead of you. It may be easier

to start with someone new with a clean slate, and hopefully you will have learned a painful but valuable lesson from this.

[Javelin]

You are missing a serious opportunity that most people over look when these kind of ongoing problems finally catch up to present day. Once that opportunity is missed, it'll be hard to change for the better in the future.

 

Let me present this opportunity to you.

 

how do I fix this, do I even try?

 

Obviously you want to try and fix what you initially broke in the first place. Which is fine because guilt plays a part in it, but not everything is worth fixing. Neither of you will be happy from this point on, trust me. There has been way too much damage done. Also, he's acting the way I did when my girlfriend cheated and confessed.. I was off and on for a few weeks and finally just dumped her. Trust me, it's inevitable.

 

You need to understand one thing: YOU ARE NOT RELATIONSHIP MATERIAL RIGHT NOW!

 

That said, how do you intend to fix this mess, if you can barely stand as a person yourself? Seriously, look in the mirror and be true to yourself and realize the mistakes that you've made. At that point, also understand that you need to take a break from guys on an intimate level and build yourself into a better person before pursing another relationship.

 

Hope that helps.

[burningashes]

Oh, wow, I don't know why I'm not getting email notifications for responses to my threads :/

 

Ok, I'll clarify the timeline, and maybe it'll clear up the confusion. My ex was just that, my ex and I was in a FWB relationship with him when I started hanging out with my current boyfriend who was a friend at the time. I considered myself single at the beginning.

 

1. FWB with ex until I hooked up with my then friend.

2. I ended things with the said FWB ex after I hooked up with him.

3. Started seeing the friend that eventually led up to dating, who is now my current boyfriend. We did not discuss not seeing anyone else before exclusivity until several weeks later, and we became exclusive 3 months later.

 

Problem is that my boyfriend asked me if I had slept with anyone else after we hooked up, I lied about it and said no. I figured that because things were done with the fwb ex and that I was sure that I wasn't going to go back to that. I haven't had any contact with the ex and haven't looked back since.

 

My bf is hurt that I lied about it and says that I cheated on him, because once we hooked up, we both were "unofficially" off the market. I disagree because I wasn't in a relationship with him or anyone else, but okay, if he feels that way, I'm willing to look at it this way if I hope to fix this. He isn't so much focusing on the cheating bit, just that I lied and he's worried that if I would lie about that, I would lie about other things, you know?

 

I really regret lying to him because he's really hurt and it's upsetting to see him like that. I really love him and this relationship is nothing like I thought it would turn out. I set my standards pretty low after I got out of the fwb relationship with the ex, expecting it to be some sort of short lived rebound relationship or something like that in the beginning. But he has shown me everything that I could ever ask for in a man, and oh, I'm just heads over heels for him, and I would seriously date him for a very long time. He has agreed mutually that he can see himself being with me for a very long time too. Everything was going so great until this, and I'm going crazy trying to think of ways to help resolve this.

 

You guys gave good advice- of course, I wouldn't do any activities like go clubbing without him or anything like that. That's all good because I don't do that anyway. How do I offer comfort rather than defensiveness? I'm a really patient person, I can deal with whatever comes my way, I'm just not sure how that works because I was the one who did him wrong

[LaDiva]

Oh, wow, I don't know why I'm not getting email notifications for responses to my threads :/

 

Ok, I'll clarify the timeline, and maybe it'll clear up the confusion. My ex was just that, my ex and I was in a FWB relationship with him when I started hanging out with my current boyfriend who was a friend at the time. I considered myself single at the beginning.

 

1. FWB with ex until I hooked up with my then friend.

2. I ended things with the said FWB ex after I hooked up with him.

3. Started seeing the friend that eventually led up to dating, who is now my current boyfriend. We did not discuss not seeing anyone else before exclusivity until several weeks later, and we became exclusive 3 months later.

 

Problem is that my boyfriend asked me if I had slept with anyone else after we hooked up, I lied about it and said no. I figured that because things were done with the fwb ex and that I was sure that I wasn't going to go back to that. I haven't had any contact with the ex and haven't looked back since.

 

My bf is hurt that I lied about it and says that I cheated on him, because once we hooked up, we both were "unofficially" off the market. I disagree because I wasn't in a relationship with him or anyone else, but okay, if he feels that way, I'm willing to look at it this way if I hope to fix this. He isn't so much focusing on the cheating bit, just that I lied and he's worried that if I would lie about that, I would lie about other things, you know?

 

I really regret lying to him because he's really hurt and it's upsetting to see him like that. I really love him and this relationship is nothing like I thought it would turn out. I set my standards pretty low after I got out of the fwb relationship with the ex, expecting it to be some sort of short lived rebound relationship or something like that in the beginning. But he has shown me everything that I could ever ask for in a man, and oh, I'm just heads over heels for him, and I would seriously date him for a very long time. He has agreed mutually that he can see himself being with me for a very long time too. Everything was going so great until this, and I'm going crazy trying to think of ways to help resolve this.

 

You guys gave good advice- of course, I wouldn't do any activities like go clubbing without him or anything like that. That's all good because I don't do that anyway. How do I offer comfort rather than defensiveness? I'm a really patient person, I can deal with whatever comes my way, I'm just not sure how that works because I was the one who did him wrong

 

Hello Ms. Ashes!

 

IMHO, both of you guys are kinda in the wrong. While I don't have the whole background and I obviously don't know you... I recently went through a SIMILAR situation and found myself back against the wall.

 

If you were just hooking up with your current BF during the first two months of you guys dating... then his mistake was not realizing his status with you was just a hookup...

 

But, your mistake was leading him to believe that there could be something with you that would be meaningful (but obviously this was not true because of your toxic connection with your X).

 

I'm not judging you, and get where you're coming from. The both of you decided to be exclusive after two months of dating. Your bf really shouldn't be asking what happened before those two months then. I mean unless he professed that he was only dating you during that time period, but I doubt it.

 

BUT you shouldn't have lied about it! You were/are scared of losing him, and now face that very real reality.

 

See where dishonesty gets you? It only buys you a little bit of time.

 

IF the BOTH of you want to fix it, you can't really follow the FORMULA that has been given to you, because your relationship never followed a normal formula.

 

The best thing you can do is cater the steps to your relationship and hope it works.

 

Good luck to you!

[Dexter Morgan]

My bf is hurt that I lied about it and says that I cheated on him, because once we hooked up, we both were "unofficially" off the market. I disagree because I wasn't in a relationship with him or anyone else

 

Of course you disagree, you don't want to think of yourself as a cheater.

 

But cheating or not cheating, it doesn't really matter...all your bf knows is that after you "hooked up" you slept with someone else. Either way, you f####d him over. And whether or not you think you did....what matters is that your BF FEELS YOU DID.

 

 

but okay, if he feels that way, I'm willing to look at it this way if I hope to fix this. He isn't so much focusing on the cheating bit, just that I lied and he's worried that if I would lie about that, I would lie about other things, you know?

 

hes right.

 

 

I really regret lying to him because he's really hurt and it's upsetting to see him like that. I really love him and this relationship is nothing like I thought it would turn out.

 

thats because of your actions.

 

 

You guys gave good advice- of course, I wouldn't do any activities like go clubbing without him or anything like that. That's all good because I don't do that anyway. How do I offer comfort rather than defensiveness?

 

well you should throw defensiveness from your end right out the window. Although I wouldn't stay with someone I perceived as cheating, if I were to try to work on it, ANY defensiveness from someone that cheated or lied would prompt me to say "get out". Because there would be a big "oh no you didn't" if a gf of mine got defensive when it was SHE that screwed up.

 

defensiveness is a big red flag.