This may explain why being NC may bring back an ex but not mean it will work

[Girlygirl1977]

NC is meant for the dumpee. I understand that but sometimes an ex also becomes more attracted to someone who is doing NC on them because they are now elusive. To some, the tougher you act with NC - the more they pursue. Still this study, finds that the tougher you are with NC - certain personalities will come to the conclusion you aren't worth it.

 

I guess the same happens with dumpees too. After you are rejected, you may desire the person more if you are a certain type of personality. If it is uphill, certain people may decide to abandon while others will want the person more. It doesn't seem like being difficult on either side promotes a healthy relationship either though.

 

Study is below:

 

Being Jilted Can Make You Yearn More—or So You Think

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Being rejected increases many people’s motivation to pursue that elusive objective. But there’s a catch, say Stanford researchers. Being rebuffed, in fact, makes people less fond of what it is they think they want more. Once they obtain the desired goal, many are quicker to lose interest in it.

 

 

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August 2009

STANFORD GRADUATE SCHOOL OF BUSINESS—Playing hard to get is a timeworn technique for snagging that desired significant other. And there’s a reason, say Stanford researchers. Being rejected increases many people's motivation to pursue that elusive objective—with a vengeance.

But there's a catch. It turns out that being rebuffed, in fact, makes people less fond of what it is they think they want more. Once they obtain the desired goal, many are quicker to lose interest in it.

 

"For many people, wanting and liking are two separate things that can become contradictory," says researcher Baba Shiv, professor of marketing at the Stanford Graduate School of Business. "When someone is thwarted from obtaining his original desire, he, in fact, comes to find the attractiveness and appeal of his target to be diminished. Yet, perversely, he may feel he wants it even more. The thrill becomes the chase."

 

Those most susceptible to wanting the desired object more but liking it less, the authors found, are people who tend to feel and express emotions with a lower level of intensity. "People who are more hot-headed tend to respond to the denial experience by ramping down both their level of interest in the objective and their desire for it––their attitude becomes 'it's not so great, and I don't want it anyway," explains Ab Litt, a doctoral student at the Stanford Graduate School of Business who coauthored the study with Shiv and Uzma Khan, assistant professor of marketing. "There’s less contradiction because they're more in tune with their raw feelings. They're therefore more likely to make decisions that are going to make them happier in the long run."

 

Interestingly, women in the study were more prone to the like less–want more syndrome than men. "That’s probably explained by the fact that they were somewhat less emotionally reactive than men," suggests Litt. While women typically may experience and express emotions more richly, the researchers speculate, men may do so with more raw intensity, which influences how they take action on them.

 

In the study, participants were asked to solve several puzzles and were told that if their performance was in the top 25th percentile, they would receive a gift. Then, at random, some were told they had met the goal, while others were told that they had not.

 

Those who were denied the gift were then asked how much they would be willing to pay for it in a store. Participants who did not receive the gift were willing to pay more for it than those who later did actually receive it. "This shows that being rejected made them want it more," says Shiv.

"Jilted" participants then completed a second set of tasks to obtain the same gift, and all were told they had won. They were subsequently asked whether they would like to trade the item for another of equal value. Significantly more subjects who had been denied the gift the first time were willing to trade it away than those who had received it on round one.

"This serves as a measure of how much they liked the item," says Shiv. "Those who had been thwarted in getting it initially actually came to like it less. Being jilted causes people to want something more, but it also makes them feel more negative about it once they get it––and to not want to have anything to do with it."

 

The study, to be published in an upcoming issue of Psychological Science, has implications for product marketing as well as personal relationships. One traditional technique to increase demand for an item, for example, is to create an artificial shortage. "The study shows that this approach will be effective as long as people get the item without a good deal of problems," says Shiv. "But if they're constantly frustrated, having to stand in line or return to the store only to find the item still not there, they may desire it more but quickly lose interest in it once they have it. The long-term success of the product will be doomed."

 

Meanwhile, singles in pursuit of Mr. or Mrs. Right may want to keep in mind that it's good to play hard to get—as long as it doesn’t get too hard.

[icyness]

This is so very interesting to read and ponder; thanks a bunch for posting it.

[Tayla]

SO worth reading. And amazingly true to life! thanks for posting that!

[CaliGuy]

Yep. This is exactly why second chances rarely work out.

 

It wasn't getting the dumpee back, it was the challenge. Once they win you back they don't want you anymore.

 

That's why earnestly working to improve yourself is better because once you do, your confidence and self-esteem will be high enough that you'll resist the exes advances and find someone BETTER.

 

Cheers.

[Girlygirl1977]

Yep. This is exactly why second chances rarely work out.

 

It wasn't getting the dumpee back, it was the challenge. Once they win you back they don't want you anymore.

 

That's why earnestly working to improve yourself is better because once you do, your confidence and self-esteem will be high enough that you'll resist the exes advances and find someone BETTER.

 

Cheers.

 

I do read it a little bit differently than you do. I think it applies actually to both the dumper and the dumpee in various ways. The dumpee is the initial jilted but I can see ways dynamics can change especially if dumper slowly tries to come back and faces a lot of hurdles (this than makes them the jilted). I can see how a sincere dumper may not go further depending on which personality type he/she is (emotional intense vs. opposite etc.). So I think the dynamics change over time.

 

I am also not as negative on the possibility that a second chance works b/c many sucessful couples I know have hit hurdles and even broken up at one point. Ask your married friends because I was surprised by this. I am not say it definitely happens but I am not as black and white view as you I guess. I also believe this forum is overwhelming representative of those who are unsuccessful (adverse selection) and this is the reason they seek solace in this site. If it is working out, you are unlikely to come here.

 

I would say I read this article as a bit more nuanced than you as I can see where in second chances both the dumper or dumpee could represent the jilted.

 

Still I am not a proponent of false hope and so I do understand why you give the type of advice you do give. I just know that it is generally exactly the same for everyone and I guess I feel there are some nuances.

[CaliGuy]

I do read it a little bit differently than you do. I think it applies actually to both the dumper and the dumpee in various ways. The dumpee is the initial jilted but I can see ways dynamics can change especially if dumper slowly tries to come back and faces a lot of hurdles (this than makes them the jilted). I can see how a sincere dumper may not go further depending on which personality type he/she is (emotional intense vs. opposite etc.). So I think the dynamics change over time.

 

I am also not as negative on the possibility that a second chance works b/c many sucessful couples I know have hit hurdles and even broken up at one point. Ask your married friends because I was surprised by this. I am not say it definitely happens but I am not as black and white view as you I guess. I also believe this forum is overwhelming representative of those who are unsuccessful (adverse selection) and this is the reason they seek solace in this site. If it is working out, you are unlikely to come here.

 

I would say I read this article as a bit more nuanced than you as I can see where in second chances both the dumper or dumpee could represent the jilted.

 

Still I am not a proponent of false hope and so I do understand why you give the type of advice you do give. I just know that it is generally exactly the same for everyone and I guess I feel there are some nuances.

 

Oh I agree. The dumpee works hard to get the dumper back partly due to a dented ego. But honestly, if you step back and view the dumper for who they really are, like put together a pro/con list, most would come out far to the CON side.

 

We tend to put the dumper on a pedestal. And that increases their "perceived" value to the dumpee. In all honesty, I've been dumped twice by someone I really loved. And now looking back on it, I can't understand for the life of me why I was so upset. It wasn't as though I lost someone of long term value -- or someone who truly loved me.

 

If they did, they wouldn't have left in the first place.