I did the right thing...it just hurts like hell...bit long!

[Pretty Young Thing]

Hello

This is the first time I have posted here although I have found this site really useful in the weeks since the breakdown of my relationship. I just wanted to share some of what is going on for me right now and see if any of you guys have any wise words for a broken hearted soul like me!

 

My ex bf and I had been together for 5 1/2 years when I made the decision to leave him and the house I loved. We had lived together for 2 years and recently bought the house. We are both professional people and I truly thought that was it for me...I had found my forever-I loved him more than anything in the world. I found out by accident 18 months ago that he had been gambling huge, hideous sums of money on internet sites and he had gotten himself and me into massive debt (I am talking 15K plus) I actually found out on 3 seperate occasions about the gambling. Each time he begged me to forgive him, told me he would never lie to me again and you know what, as much as my head screamed at me to leave I stayed and tried to fix things. I gave him money (stupidly) urged him to get help (which he resisted) tried to manage his finances and did my best to forgive him...trouble is he completely changed as a person and I felt like I was living with a stranger. You know what though? I could have gotten over the money. What hurt me more than anything is the way he changed towards me. I would have done anything for him and I felt like after what I had stayed with him through he should have loved me more than anything. Truth is he completely ignored me for months. He barely spoke to me, never showed me any affection, told me I annoyed him. I used to sit alone every weekend crying because I couldn't figure out what I had done wrong. I have a tendancy to blame myself for everything that happens in my life but I knew deep down I had done nothing to deserve the lies and betrayal. He just seemed to not love me anymore although he insisted he did.

 

Anyway, after sinking into a depression and cutting myself off from everyone around me I decided I just couldn't take anymore. Although it killed me I packed up my things and left to be back at home with my parents (they have been great and tried so hard to help him too before I just knew I couldn't keep on living that life.) There was a month of NC and I went on a holiday I paid for for me and him alone....never felt pain like it in those 2 weeks. Soon as I returned he started texting and calling, agreeing it was right to not be together. I was relieved as I felt guilty for leaving and I was glad he was finally recognising what he did. Turns out it was all a load of crap. He said all those things to try and win me back. When I told him nothing had changed he started to send me horrible emails and texts, called me names, said I was irresponsible for leaving. Then he really twisted the knife by sending me an email detailing exactly how he was set to propose to me next year....man it hurt to read it. He knew all I'd ever wanted was to marry him (before all this anyway!) I have had to deal with the sale of our home on my own. I am devestated to lose the house, it's like losing all the dreams I had is almost worse than losing the relationship.

 

I don't know how many of you have stayed with me after seeing the length of this post, but to those who have thanks. I guess I just wanted to know how best to heal after this horrible experience? (there is a lot more that went on but I guess some stuff should just be private) I am scared I will never trust anyone again. I am scared I must be a fool to have been lied to over and over. I think generally I am just scared of a future I didn't see happening :0( I know I am a good person, I never ever lied to him or betrayed him in anyway. I was like a freaking puppy that gets kicked over and over....I just kept going back. I really hate myself for not being stronger. Any helpful advice appreciated <3

[huck]

Hey PYT..

 

Sorry to hear what your going through...

 

IMO You did the right thing by bailing out of this.. Theres loads and loads of different ways that someone can screw you over ( cheating etc ) and the fact your ex was piling up all this debt and hiding it from you - is out of order..

 

It seems a bit of a toxic relationship as well - when he was ignoring you for weeks and not showing any emotion towards you.. That is no way to treat someone you love..

 

Love is blind sometimes and it looks like you tried to make things work.

 

Not sure if any of that helps - but one thing I'll say is there are millions of blokes out there who would give there right leg for someone like you - and im sure you'll have no problem finding someone ( once you've healed from this relationship).

 

Im sure you've read other threads on what to do now.. Take some time out and focus on yourself.. Get your head straight and enjoy yourself...

 

Dont feel scared to trust someone in the future thou (once the time is right).

 

All the best - Huck

[Pretty Young Thing]

Thanks so much for replying Huck.

It's just nice to have a bit of reassurance I guess. I know everyone immediately thinks 'cheating' when they hear a person has been lied to...truth is a lie about anything to somebody you love is the same kind of betrayal.

 

I'm going to keep reading the threads on here and try my very best to move on...the relationship did become toxic, but there was no way for me to forsee that happening. I get worried though that every relationship will end up that way. If 'the one' can end up that way what hope do the others have?! I suppose he was never really 'the one' afterall.

[mickleb]

Jeez Louise. You've had it ROUGH.

 

Well done for finding the strength to admit your relationship was in crisis and step away from all of your dreams that kept you there. That is not an easy thing to do, despite how absolutely horrible your ex has been to you.

 

Your post speaks volumes to me about how damaged he is and how kind and forgiving you are. I don't think you should beat yourself up too much for being the nice person, here. You just believed (like a lot of us here) that love would overcome. Obviously, it takes two to love and this guy is not capable of that, at the moment.

 

I am currently reading an excellent book called from Heartbreak to Connection by Susan Anderson. It is about coping with being abandoned. Even though you physically left him, I think he abandoned you a long time ago. I suggest you read it as it is full of exercises that will help you to figure out why you responded as you did, and how you can turn this awful situation into a catalyst to prepare you for a healthy, genuine relationship, in the future.

 

If you need to, you might want to consider doing a bit of counselling to find out why you were just SO kind to this man.

 

You've probably picked up that you need to block his access to you and spend some time getting your head around this. This will be painful (as I'm sure you're aware). Bolster yourself with as many good people and (healthyish) comfort you can find, and you will come out strong and fighting.

 

The best of luck to you, sweetheart. x

 

Btw, your post just made me so ANGRY that people can treat one another like this! He has a LOT of issues to deal with. You've just ridded yourself of one of the biggest problems of your life. You should be proud of that.

 

Take care. xxxxx

[Pretty Young Thing]

Thanks so much Mickleb, you have been really kind to me.

I will take a look at that book you suggested and I have to give some serious thought to getting some counselling for myself too. Wow breaking up is hard to do no matter how horrible the relationship, I can see why so many people choose to stay put rather than walk. If only someone could give you the exact timescale for getting over something so corrosive and painful. Aaaah guess it's time to tough it out.

[Surfer Girl]

My timeline.... I went NC... the only way to ween yourself off of someone you know is not good for you.... The first 3 weeks are he** the realization that you are no longer together talking everyday... and believe me... it took alot not to just want to text, email or call.... it came down to realizing if I wanted us back in that withdrawal period... it would still be the same.... Week 4 I am somewhat better and able to function.... I was 24/7 with LShack.... I just needed to be reminded of why NC is for the best.... It is a process... once you start NC.... it will help you look at the relationship in a different light... It won't be easy.... but my self respect is what is most important now.... People say it gets worse before it gets better... and I can imagine as time goes on.... there will be days, months that will tear me apart and days I may feel better... Sometimes it takes a while to get to the acceptance stage... We will all be here for you