4givrnt4gtr Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Unfortunately my worst fears seem to be coming true My boyfriend is pretty much losing all interest in our relationship. He started school last week. By the second day of orientation I didnt even receive one text (after talking pretty much all day since he left). I excused it as him being busy (after much anxiety) and tried to keep on going my merry way til he could talk to me again. By the next day he had yet to respond two texts and a message I had sent. It wasnt until late in the afternoon when I sent him an "i miss you" chat that he responded (an hour later) thanking me for one of the messages and vaguely asking me how I was. I then decided to get out of bed and live my life, just like he was doing. I managed to convince myself that his lack of communication did not spell doom for us. We talked once more after on Sunday morning and thats pretty much it. Yesterday he sent me a chat in the morning, to which I answer and then he just continued the chat kind of absentmindly, not really talking about anything, and answering any question about three minutes after I asked. I figured he was busy so I tried to not take offense, but then i clicked the video chat and he responded so I could see what he was doing. Just watching tv. Again i tried not to take offense and after a few minutes he said he had to go so I asked him to call me at night so we could chat using webcam. Well, again, heard nothing from him, even at the time we had agreed to talk. Oh and thats keeping in mind yesterday he had no school so it wasnt like he was super busy. I was really really pissed at this point, he obviously could care less. I decided I would let him know how thats just not ok, and also how uhh no im not 100% sure, given his attitude, I would want to move up there with him after all, and will be broadening my options to other cities for school. So anyway i went online and he finally came online an hour an a half later. He said hi and told me about his day for a second, then told me he had been watching tv pretty much all evening. He asked me about my day and I told him about my decision to expand my school search. All he had to say about that was "good! *insert mispelled, unintelligeble babble*" Seriously??? I asked him to repeat himself and he just said "Oh sorry i meant that its good to get your hedges" and apologized cuz he was sleepy (it was 9pm) What????? I just gave up then. Not only was he not paying attention to me at all but he didnt even bother turning on the webcam which i had agreed to get so we could chat. I just said " seems like you're busy, so Im gonna go ahead and get back to my book and then go to bed. Good night" . All he said to that was "night" ughhh im so frustrated and sad. Im not really sure what to do now. we've been having a lot of the 'whats wrong" talks since he left. He always says nothing is wrong and why Im always asking so i know thats gonna get me anywhere. This sucks.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 well i got a message from him calling me his beautiful woman and wishing me as good a day as he was gonna have (its his first day of school). I guess its more a case of being taken for granted than losing interest. Men are such messes sometimes.
hoping2heal Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I'm probably going to come off as the insensitive ogre here. I have read your other posts, and I'm confused at what you are doing. You're about to be the girl who cried happy relationship. You have all these issues coming in to your relationship like him having been broken over someone else and using you as a rebound for example, you don't seem to be happy with his level of communication (or lack there of would be a more appropriate term) and it's like I get the idea you are just sitting there patiently, waiting for this relationship to blossom into something it shows no signs of being. I can only think to myself "why?". Why do people enter into relationships that start out with obvious deal breakers (like being a rebound) but insist, just hard headedly insist on persuing them. Well, I can answer that for myself I suppose. Anyhow, I don't know what to tell you right now 4give, I think you're barking up the wrong tree entirely because I can already tell you don't and see no foreshadowing evidence you will someday get your needs met. So what you're doing, I have no idea at the moment. The other day my sister was telling me about this "real jerk" her friend had in her life. How controlling he acts, how he puts her down (I'm not saying this is you and your bf) etc. All I could think was, well guess what? A jerk can't treat a woman badly without a woman to let him do it, right? I'm not saying your bf is a jerk or treats you badly but what I am saying is, you made a comment about "guys are such messes" right, but if you're not getting what you want from a relationship and your needs met (unless they are unrealistic or dysfunctional) the only reason for that is YOU.
espearite Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I'm probably going to come off as the insensitive ogre here. I have read your other posts, and I'm confused at what you are doing. You're about to be the girl who cried happy relationship. You have all these issues coming in to your relationship like him having been broken over someone else and using you as a rebound for example, you don't seem to be happy with his level of communication (or lack there of would be a more appropriate term) and it's like I get the idea you are just sitting there patiently, waiting for this relationship to blossom into something it shows no signs of being. I can only think to myself "why?". Why do people enter into relationships that start out with obvious deal breakers (like being a rebound) but insist, just hard headedly insist on persuing them. Well, I can answer that for myself I suppose. Anyhow, I don't know what to tell you right now 4give, I think you're barking up the wrong tree entirely because I can already tell you don't and see no foreshadowing evidence you will someday get your needs met. So what you're doing, I have no idea at the moment. The other day my sister was telling me about this "real jerk" her friend had in her life. How controlling he acts, how he puts her down (I'm not saying this is you and your bf) etc. All I could think was, well guess what? A jerk can't treat a woman badly without a woman to let him do it, right? I'm not saying your bf is a jerk or treats you badly but what I am saying is, you made a comment about "guys are such messes" right, but if you're not getting what you want from a relationship and your needs met (unless they are unrealistic or dysfunctional) the only reason for that is YOU. So true. Women go after the guys they want, even though they know what they are getting themselves into. They couldn't change their husbands after marriage, and they end up regretting it. If someone is the way they are before marriage, chances are they will stay that way after.
carvidep Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 You say you keep asking him "what's wrong?". Well, on his end he doesn't see anything wrong. You need to tell him what's wrong, not ask him, and if he still acts apathetic, then he's not worth the stress.
Kamille Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Another perspective: I can't help but notice a pattern in your relationships 4give. I think you might be someone who needs a lot of reassurance from your partners. I'm wondering if "feeling like something is wrong" is perhaps your way of trying to get the emotional closeness that you crave. You feel something is wrong and therefore you have to "fix things" by "scheduling chats" and taking the planning of the R over. I'm thinking you might be doing more of the "upkeep" work in your relationship. You fear that if you don't tend to it every second of the day, your bf won't pick up the slack and you two will fall apart. Well, time to find out. He's busy adjusting to his new school, so, without thoughts of revenge or testing (which that expanding the search for schools things might be...), get busy with your own life. The minute you decide to make yourself happy no matter what goes on with your bf, you won't rely on him so much for reassurance and you will be better positionned to notice and appreciate the things he does do for the relationship. Also, it's been my experience that when I did all the upkeep in a relationship, it would alienate my partner because, basically, it meant I controlled much of it. So step back, and let him come to you. As hard as it may be, stop trying to fix things. You've done what you can, now it's up to him.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 I'm probably going to come off as the insensitive ogre here. I have read your other posts, and I'm confused at what you are doing. You're about to be the girl who cried happy relationship. You have all these issues coming in to your relationship like him having been broken over someone else and using you as a rebound for example, you don't seem to be happy with his level of communication (or lack there of would be a more appropriate term) and it's like I get the idea you are just sitting there patiently, waiting for this relationship to blossom into something it shows no signs of being. I can only think to myself "why?". Why do people enter into relationships that start out with obvious deal breakers (like being a rebound) but insist, just hard headedly insist on persuing them. Well, I can answer that for myself I suppose. Anyhow, I don't know what to tell you right now 4give, I think you're barking up the wrong tree entirely because I can already tell you don't and see no foreshadowing evidence you will someday get your needs met. So what you're doing, I have no idea at the moment. The other day my sister was telling me about this "real jerk" her friend had in her life. How controlling he acts, how he puts her down (I'm not saying this is you and your bf) etc. All I could think was, well guess what? A jerk can't treat a woman badly without a woman to let him do it, right? I'm not saying your bf is a jerk or treats you badly but what I am saying is, you made a comment about "guys are such messes" right, but if you're not getting what you want from a relationship and your needs met (unless they are unrealistic or dysfunctional) the only reason for that is YOU. You know i ask myself the same things, I wonder if Im dating two people at different times, depending on my mood and my level of insecurity. In the one hand, the guy i met 5 years ago and have been dating for 8 months. Who after I repetedly refused to date, he accepted my "friends only" title for three months while treating me like a princess while he convinced me that he actually wanted me more than for bootie. The year before long story short his whole life went upside down. And by whole life i mean WHOLE life. By the time I came around he was slowly getting better, making plans for the future and seems to be well on the road to be the same sweet guy we all knew so I saw no harm on dating him. Everything was great until three months after we started dating his " rich friends" that didnt think would be ok to hang out with him when he was going thru all that called him up. He went to see them and from his account seeing them reminded him of all that he had and what he had lost and set him back. THis was really tough for both of us, to the point that we broke up when he insisted he needed to just strive to make money and couldnt be distracted from that. Thats when I insisted to him that I had just been a rebound. A few days later he called me and said he thought what we had was too good to let go. We've been together since then. Unfortunately that break up caused a lot of anxiety in me and Ive caused a couple of huge fights where i got drunk and started yelling at him, again acusing him of not being over his ex (despite his constant reassurance that he wanted nothing to do with her after he saw the type of person she was). The last time that happened he told me I had to trust him if this was gonna go anywhere otherwise we were wasting our time. After that it was easier to trust him while he was here. he as ive said always treated me really well, we had an amazing time together and we both hated the thought of being separated .he even regreted not having applied to schools here instead but we both knew it was the best decision given what he has gone thru. Before he moved up I went with him to his parents house for a wedding. I felt at home and his family welcomed me with open arms. Thankfully they loved the idea of me moving close to them and his dad jokingly tried to convinced me to move that weekend. He loved that I got along so well with his family and everything felt so good. SO bassically everything had been fine til he left and I went to visit him. After that visit I started to delude myself that i needed him. At first i was just sad and missing him. But then after that and when I realized he was doing his own thing and was not as miserable as I was I began resenting him and thinking he just doesnt care despite him talking to me everyday for two weeks for hours on end. I think what got to me was the sudden change. Now instead of 12 hours of constant communication we went to 1 hour or so. Its easy to make people devils and paint him in any light I want especially when the mood is right. Im not saying we're perfect or that he is my prince charming but for sure he isnt an abuser or a user. He's actually the best man Ive ever been with which is why im even giving this a chance. That he might be losing interest? maybe, and if thats the case well i guess he'll walk. IF he's just taking me for granted, I think I am getting my witts about me about the whole needing him thing which may aid him to remember I dont HAVE to be with him. In any case, I still dont know if this is gonna work or not. I hope it does ofcourse, but ive been there and done that and I know that if it comes to a point where its just not ok for me, Im out. Ive done it before. I guess I just post here to vent most of the time especially when I feel the most insecured and needy. Still thanks for the wake up call. I know how it is to be blind and forcefully be pushing for something that just wont happen. Thankfully I also know I have too much pride to stand for BS that just wont fly
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