davyu Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Ok, it just happened 2 hours ago... First of all, I want to reiterate that although I see a lot of stuff about cliche breakup reasons, or the girl is just trying to hang on to you, there's someone else, I honestly don't believe these apply to my situation, I have perfect faith in her in this sense. (You may think that I'm just blinded, but please just follow) Anyway, she (my gf of 3 years) called me 2 weeks ago, asking for a break (explicitly, NC). However, she wasn't trying to 'hang on' to me like some people suggest, 'cause she did say 'try to treat it as a break up'. (In the past, break-ups have been brought up before, but I always insist on working on it, so her saying that was partly because of me) So 2 weeks NC, I thought and thought about the possible reasons, she caught me at the wrong time so I didn't have the chance to get some issues cleared up before we went on NC. I called her yesterday, asking if we could talk, I also caught her at the wrong time, so she said she'd call me back today (from the sound of her voice, I sort of knew what was coming). And yes, today, it happened. So I started asking why, she said the feelings have changed, like, more of a 'close relative' (I dunno how to phrase it, we're Chinese and the term is Chinese) than a romantic partner... So I asked when she started feeling this way, and she said she couldn't remember exactly when, but it's been a couple of months. And due to that reason, she's been feeling an increasing sense of repulsion. A couple of months ago, we had a huge fight, I sort of did something not so nice, so she brought the topic up again. I tried to save it by being very sincere, and asking what the problems were, she named some problems and I promised to work on those. And that's the main problem, after she did notice and acknowledge my improvement, the feeling was still not right no matter how hard she tried to work on it, and this lead to the eventual 'break'. Today, I had a rather long talk with her, trying to identify the problem and see if there's ANYTHING I could do (I'm an engineer, so go figure). She said she doesn't know, it's not something I did, it's not someone else, it's just not the right feeling. Why and when? I tried breaking it down and analysing, but no good. It's like fighting against an enemy that doesn't even exist! If it were some problem which couldn't be solved, like fighting an invincible enemy, I could give it my best and lose. But now, there's no fight to put up! It's not just that there's nothing I could do, I couldn't even begin to try... What's worse? She's been so good and considerate about my feelings and hurting me, there's nothing I could complain about the situation. Nothing is wrong, it just isn't right (does that make sense?) What I want to know is, how could something just change like that? I know it's as good as gone, but I'm just really frustrated by the fact that I had no battle to fight AT ALL. PS. That sense of repulsion, had happened before around 3 years ago. She said it was hopeless, she tried, and that sense just kept increasing. But somehow it worked out for over 2 years. I do wonder what was different between the 2 cases.
soheartbroken Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Ouch. The repulsion thing burns. I had a fear that that is what my gf was feeling. And now I've begun to wonder again. At least she was honest with you.
silic0ntoad Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I don't buy it. I believe it's another guy. Reasons? 1. Repulsion. These are repressed feelings of guilt. Basically, she doesn't want to cheat on her "future" bf with her current bf. 2. Lost feelings. This just doesn't happen. There is usually a catalyst. Probably another guy. Just my two cents.
Author davyu Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 I don't buy it. I believe it's another guy. Reasons? 1. Repulsion. These are repressed feelings of guilt. Basically, she doesn't want to cheat on her "future" bf with her current bf. 2. Lost feelings. This just doesn't happen. There is usually a catalyst. Probably another guy. Just my two cents. Yea I sort of expected that sort of stuff to come up on LS, but really, I don't believe it. 'cause it started happening before she had any chance to meet a new guy in the first place. So yea, I do believe there's a catalyst, just not this.
broken_promises Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Unfortunately, this is how long term relationships begin to feel... like relatives, as you said. This is NORMAL. However, most people are convinced that true love is supposed to always feel like the beginning of a relationship. So, instead of adjusting to a new comfortable (ie boring) way of relating to the person you are with, you start thinking that things are not right/not exciting and you want to find a new relationship so you can get that spark of "love" again. But they just don't seem to realize that that new spark will eventually fade and things will get boring with the new person. I swear, people treat relationships like shampoo instructions: lather, rinse, repeat. I wish I had better news for you, but I have found that people that are looking for that excitement as what they think love is are going to seek what they think they are missing. It is unfortunate, because it seems like everyone just keeps going through these long-but-short-term relationships (2-5 years or so) because this is generally the point in a relationship where things start to become familiar and comfortable. People just don't seem to be able to stick with things and move past this period to see what might be on the other side. I feel like we have become a temporary society where jobs and relationships and houses are never looked at for longevity but for the novelty they provide initially and can be traded in after a few years.
Author davyu Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 Unfortunately, this is how long term relationships begin to feel... like relatives, as you said. This is NORMAL. However, most people are convinced that true love is supposed to always feel like the beginning of a relationship. So, instead of adjusting to a new comfortable (ie boring) way of relating to the person you are with, you start thinking that things are not right/not exciting and you want to find a new relationship so you can get that spark of "love" again. But they just don't seem to realize that that new spark will eventually fade and things will get boring with the new person. I swear, people treat relationships like shampoo instructions: lather, rinse, repeat. I wish I had better news for you, but I have found that people that are looking for that excitement as what they think love is are going to seek what they think they are missing. It is unfortunate, because it seems like everyone just keeps going through these long-but-short-term relationships (2-5 years or so) because this is generally the point in a relationship where things start to become familiar and comfortable. People just don't seem to be able to stick with things and move past this period to see what might be on the other side. I feel like we have become a temporary society where jobs and relationships and houses are never looked at for longevity but for the novelty they provide initially and can be traded in after a few years. Feeling uncomfortable because it's becoming too comfortable, how ironic. I probably sound bitter, but I'm trying to let it sink in. Rationally it has, but emotionally not quite so yet. But having to go to work and feeling sudden surges from my tear glands is NOT easy. But I'll live on.
Bobby2010 Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Unfortunately, this is how long term relationships begin to feel... like relatives, as you said. This is NORMAL. However, most people are convinced that true love is supposed to always feel like the beginning of a relationship. So, instead of adjusting to a new comfortable (ie boring) way of relating to the person you are with, you start thinking that things are not right/not exciting and you want to find a new relationship so you can get that spark of "love" again. But they just don't seem to realize that that new spark will eventually fade and things will get boring with the new person. I swear, people treat relationships like shampoo instructions: lather, rinse, repeat. So, so true. These people (my ex) are willing to throw away EVERYTHING, just for the feeling of that new spark, which they misinterpret as love.
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