nastyapple Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Alright, this has really been getting on my nerves for a while, so I thought I'd see what everyone else's take was on it. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now (nearing on 2 years really), and things are starting to get boring to me. I feel like every reason I had for originally falling for him has gone out of the window. I used to adore him for being honest, faithful, romantic and a good listener... but he has gone against all of those things. He has lied to me more than once, he hasn't cheated, but he's gone behind my back and I can't actually remember the last romantic thing he has done for me. I feel as though I constantly make an effort for a romantic setting or situation, and he always ruins it. I haven't had sex with him in almost a month.. this wouldn't be such a big deal, but we used to have a very good sex life. Sex is actually quite boring when we eventually DO have sex, and I don't feel he cares about my needs at all anymore. We rarely talk about anything substantial and he sleeps half the time he is in my company. I have approached these issues with him, and all he does is get angry with me for getting frustrated. I love him, and feel as though I have no choice other than to just deal with him coming round to my house and sleeping for hours on end while I 'entertain' myself by finishing up work or tidying. I feel he always puts my friends before me. I asked him if he would come over for dinner at 7... he pushed it and asked if he could come at 8 because he is with his friend. Firstly, I feel he should be grateful that I love him enough to at least try and be romantic and cook for him, despite the lack of romance on his part.. and secondly... I thought he'd be eager to make it up to me since he spent about an hour awake in the whole time he was in my company yesterday... I made him something to eat in this time, so not really a one-on-one. He does work early hours (getting up at 5am to be at work for 6am), but it was only 6 in the evening when he came around. He's a young man, I don't feel like it's normal. This whole post is turning into a rant... I feel as though I'm starting to resent him for the lack of attention... I do love this guy, but what can I do to actually get my feelings across? I have actually thought about breaking up with him, quite frankly because I'm so bored and frustrated with feeling bored and ignored all the time. Any suggestions at all would be greatly appreciated!!!
kizik Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 C'mon, girl. You know there is only one piece of advice here. Ditch the ZERO and get with a HERO! In all seriousness, this guy is a draaag. There are lots of fun people out there (like me, of course). Don't let some d-bag drag you down into Boring County. Unfortunately it sounds like break-up time. He's not going to change. He is a booooring guy.
Thomas X Forever Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Nasty, have you actually tried telling him all this and giving him a chance to change? If so, and especially if he's been given a chance more than once, then it's time to unfortunately move on. Sorry for the pain it's going to cause.
prettybaby Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I'm finding it hard to believe that he was the exact opposite less than 2 years ago. He either already had this kind of tendency, or some outside factors are affecting his current behavior. I don't think it's normal for someone to be asleep half the time they're with you, unless they're literally exhausted. Is his job recent? Is it a tiring job ? (the hours already sound exhausting) Or does he spend more time away from you partying and drinking with friends? I mean, really, he's either - a lazy bum - a party animal behind your back - or he's exhausted from work / stress / depression Besides, have you even discussed this in depth with him? You can't let that kind of frustration build up on your side if you want to work things out.
caramel c Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Get out while you can, pretty lady. He's not the man of your dreams and you know it. What you should be contemplating is a break up strategy. I advise you to do it soon and be very clear. If you don't, you are misleading him which is very very wrong. No matter how badly he treats you right now, that part of it would be your fault. He needs to move on too, from not only you but hopefully (eventually) from his mistakes.
prettybaby Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I'm not getting the break up advise here. Am I missing some of the OP's past posts or something? We basically have zero background information, except for the fact that they've been together for nearly two years and that this is a recent issue. You don't just ditch your partner of 2 years without finding out first what is causing this exactly. Unless you're totally sick of them and don't care, but I'm thinking that since OP is posting here for advise, she does care. But really, the question is, how good was the relationship at first, and how recent is this issue? And have you ever talked in depth to him about this? (I'm not talking about telling him you're pissed off about it, but a real in depth 2-way discussion).
Kamille Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 While prettybaby makes a great point about trying to figure out why the drastic change, I feel like I have been in your shoes. The guy you describe is basically my first serious bf (in my early twenties). We started out great and then, once he got used to the relationship, everything else in his life became more of a priority but our relationship. My advice? Spice things up. Stop relying on him for entertainment. You say yourself he's boring anyway, so get out with your friends, go scuba diving, have fun. That way he'll stop taking you for granted. Build a life of your own outside of the relationship so that the 'thrill' of it comes back for both of you. Best of luck! ps: he came over, slept and you made him dinner? Loving someone doesn't mean cattering to their every whim. You're his gf, not his mother. Make sure that whatever you do for him you do because you want to and because you feel the relationship is balanced, not because you feel you have to (to prove to him how much you love him or whatever).
Author nastyapple Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 Firstly, I'd like to thank you all for all of your responses, I appreciate everyone for giving me some advice. Kamille, I appreciate that loving someone does not feel like I should have to be constantly 'proving' myself, and maybe I do try too hard. I just feel that if I want to do something nice, like have dinner with my boyfriend, that I have to do it or it never gets done kind of thing. If I want to go out for dinner, I have to suggest it, arrange it, pay for it etc. I wish he'd do something fun with me off his own back. Prettybaby, at first, our relationship was fantastic. We were extremelly close both as friends and lovers, and I really thought he was keen to take an interest in my life and keep the relationship 'alive'. I have attempted to sit down with him and have a one-on-one about how I feel and what can be done about it, but he gets entirely defensive and takes it as an attack. I've tried being very soft about it, and giving him the opportunity to have his say too, but it never seems to work. He is sick of me bringing it up, and I'm sick of having to bring it up because it never gets resolved. So now I just feel like I'm hitting my head off a brick wall even trying... He does party quite hard without me. He goes out drinking quite a lot, and this is a drain on his bank balance, which is maybe why he can never afford to take me anywhere? I've never expected to be wined and dined exactly, but you know, it'd be nice if it could happen just once...
Blade Runner Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 "I have approached these issues with him, and all he does is get angry with me for getting frustrated." This is the key line here for me. This guy sounds like a giant douche. You sound like a nice girl, I don't want to tell you that you should break up with this guy, but from the facts you've laid out here, the guy doesn't sound like he's got much going for him. If he gets angry about this, then who knows what else he'd get angry about. If he is not going out of his way to do anything nice for you, not even once in a while, then you might want to consider finding someone else. Correct me if I'm wrong but you don't sound like you're madly in love with Mr Zzz. If talking isn't working, then maybe it is indeed time for actions. Every girl deserves a guy that is not going to flake out once the chase is over. Sounds like you should be going out with a guy that suprises you, isn't predictable, makes your life fun. A guy that has bigger aspirations in life than "hanging with my mates, having a good time, yeah....." If you have to work too hard at your relationship then it just makes your life a little less fun, it makes it too serious. It shouldn't be.
prettybaby Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Hmmff, yeah, it doesn't sound like he's ready to commit at all, while you actually seem to be. I can't see this ending well.
utterer of lies Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Hmmff, yeah, it doesn't sound like he's ready to commit at all, while you actually seem to be. I can't see this ending well. Oh, it is going to end well: She will find someone better
Bleeve Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 life is too short to be in a relationship like that since you have tried to talk to him about it and he doesn't seem to care then a break up is for the best........of course once you do that it may snap him out of it and he may change for awhile and it will then be your decision whether or not to give him another chance
SincereOnlineGuy Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Alright, this has really been getting on my nerves for a while, so I thought I'd see what everyone else's take was on it. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now (nearing on 2 years really), and things are starting to get boring to me. I feel like every reason I had for originally falling for him has gone out of the window. I used to adore him for being honest, faithful, romantic and a good listener... but he has gone against all of those things. He has lied to me more than once, he hasn't cheated, but he's gone behind my back and I can't actually remember the last romantic thing he has done for me. I feel as though I constantly make an effort for a romantic setting or situation, and he always ruins it. I haven't had sex with him in almost a month.. this wouldn't be such a big deal, but we used to have a very good sex life. Sex is actually quite boring when we eventually DO have sex, and I don't feel he cares about my needs at all anymore. We rarely talk about anything substantial and he sleeps half the time he is in my company. I have approached these issues with him, and all he does is get angry with me for getting frustrated. I love him, and feel as though I have no choice other than to just deal with him coming round to my house and sleeping for hours on end while I 'entertain' myself by finishing up work or tidying. I feel he always puts my friends before me. I asked him if he would come over for dinner at 7... he pushed it and asked if he could come at 8 because he is with his friend. Firstly, I feel he should be grateful that I love him enough to at least try and be romantic and cook for him, despite the lack of romance on his part.. and secondly... I thought he'd be eager to make it up to me since he spent about an hour awake in the whole time he was in my company yesterday... I made him something to eat in this time, so not really a one-on-one. He does work early hours (getting up at 5am to be at work for 6am), but it was only 6 in the evening when he came around. He's a young man, I don't feel like it's normal. This whole post is turning into a rant... I feel as though I'm starting to resent him for the lack of attention... I do love this guy, but what can I do to actually get my feelings across? I have actually thought about breaking up with him, quite frankly because I'm so bored and frustrated with feeling bored and ignored all the time. Any suggestions at all would be greatly appreciated!!! Why do I sense that you have spoken the thoughts of millions of women all over the globe. The difference is that you have expressed yourself while others just sit alone in their shared abodes without having expressed anything to anyone, not even the boyfriend/husband. Unfortunately, in practical terms, having confided in US isn't going to get you anywhere, so you probably know your two remaining options at this point.
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 I don't understand why you put so much effort forth to make him feel special when he makes you feel like dirt. You don't deserve to be treated like this. I wouldn't put up with it. I'd start pulling away and see if there's any reaction. This guy needs a wake-up call. If the pulse is still hovering just above deadlining, I'd be walking away completely.
Author nastyapple Posted August 28, 2009 Author Posted August 28, 2009 Again, i appreciate everyone's comments and suggestions. It was my birthday yesterday, and I had a get together at my house and everyone had drinks and whatnot. He'd had a few beers, and he pulled me over to the side and said "I know I don't show it sometimes, but I really do love you". I hadn't said anything to him to prompt him or anything, so I was quite surpised by it. Seemed like a total 360. We had sex that night (in the garden, but that's another story, ha!) and woke up together this morning and he helped me tidy the house before he went to the dentist. Now, two things are going through my head at this point... Is he feeling guilty... Or has he just genuinely realised he's been a cock for the past however long... I guess at this point I'm going to take SoulSearch's advice and just pull back and see how it goes. I can totally see why everyone's saying ditch him and everything, it's just difficult when I've been so close to him before and know that we really work as a couple when he puts the effort in. I guess that's why a lot of people get themselves 'trapped' in relationships.. keep going over what used to be, rather than what is...
Recommended Posts