separatedguy Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I am 44 and have been separated for about a year from a walkaway wife. For the last few months I have been seeing another separated woman who is 38 years old. We both recognized from the start that we are in a potential rebound period and decided to not have a committed relationship but rather to be FWB and also date others and see where things go. Well she has not said anything explilcitly but it is clear she would like things to get more serious. She calls me "hun" and sends cutesy texts. Truth is we are really compatible on many levels - we always have tons of stuff to talk about, clearly have similar values and educational backgrounds, never fight, share similar views on childraising (we each have kids from our marriages), and have great sex - which she is quite enthusiastic about. OK so what's wrong? Though she is enthusiastic about sex and it is quite enjoyable for me, I can't really say she "does it" for me appearance-wise. This may be because she could lose 25 pounds or so or maybe it is a bit beyond that as she doesn't really dress feminine. I'm puzzled because: (1) I say she doesn't really turn me on, but in truth I do enjoy sex with her quite a bit (2) It would be pretty hypocritical of me to end the relationshp because she has to lose a bit of weight because so do I - so why do I get to have a higher standard (3) It seems pretty shallow to end what could be a terrific relationship over superficialness of appearance, yet I don't want to wind up down the road in one of those "I love you but are not in love with you" scenarios Truth is it's all great and yes even sex is great - but it's not like I want to rip her clothes off as soon as I see her as has been the case with other women in the past. But those other women weren't nearly as compatible with me emotionally. Maybe that's why I chose FWB originally and that's what it should stay as? Or maybe instead I will regret not taking it further?
Thaddeus Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Doesn't make you shallow at all, it just means that you have preferences. You're absolutely entitled to have preferences. The thing with FWB relationships is that it's very common for one party to start to develop feelings. This has happened to me when I started getting all fluttery about a FWB partner a couple of years ago and when it was clear that she wasn't interested in anything more 'serious,' I was pretty hurt. Lost her, lost the 'benefits,' lost any chance of anything deeper developing. Anyway, to the point: From the sounds of it, it's clear that she's pining for something more. I don't think the weight thing is really at issue here, it's simply that you're enjoying your relationship as it is but she wants to change it. Best suggestion I could make would be to sit down and have a real heart-to-heart with her, telling her (in our own words, of course), "I enjoy our relationship as it is now and I have no desire to get more involved. If you see that on the horizon, I'm sorry to say that I just don't feel that way." It will probably spell the end of the FWB arrangement you have now but better that than someone getting even more hurt down the road.
loveslife Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I agree with Thaddeus. And don't beat yourself up about thinking your shallow. If you were really feeling IT for this woman the weight would not matter. In fact, you'd probably never even bring it up in your message here. It's really sad when we're compatible with someone on many levels but not falling in love. For you guys it might very well have been bad timing.
seoa Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 could be a defense-mechanism... i've had this in the past - bf scared of getting into another relationship that might go wrong & result in him getting hurt, so when things got good, he'd start getting judgemental /picky, to create some safe distance... annoying & insulting, and behaviour that i ultimately couldn't accept... shame, coz otherwise we were amazingly compatible, and i know he wanted to be with me when the fear wasn't in control of him...
samspade Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 (2) It would be pretty hypocritical of me to end the relationshp because she has to lose a bit of weight because so do I - so why do I get to have a higher standard (3) It seems pretty shallow to end what could be a terrific relationship over superficialness of appearance, yet I don't want to wind up down the road in one of those "I love you but are not in love with you" scenarios You are a man. The single most important factor in attraction for you (and all men) is physical appearance. That's the way it is - don't feel ashamed by it. Men define what's feminine, just as women define what's masculine. Don't feel "shallow" about it. Embrace what you want and go after it.
butcher's hook Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Everything isn't "perfect" you are not attracted to her, you don't really feel chemistry so please do not take this further. Your little attempt at testing the waters further is only going to make it harder for her down the road when she is emotionally more invested in you. Don't use her as your guinea pig knowing what you already know. Continue the FWB if you want but nothing more. If you can honestly see yourself out and about feeling proud to be in the company of this woman as your other half, then only then proceed to test further waters otherwise it would be extremely selfish of you to proceed.
truly Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Just a note: I imagine you have a...beautiful full head of georgous hair....very hot firm body...big muscles..."large feet" and a fab personality.........along with tom brady good looks
Author separatedguy Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 Just a note: I imagine you have a...beautiful full head of georgous hair....very hot firm body...big muscles..."large feet" and a fab personality.........along with tom brady good looks Of course not - and I admit I may simply be unrealistic. Indeed let me put this into a bit more perspective. I'm your typical middle-aged, balding man with a bit of a pot belly. I also happen to be a very well-established professional. A friend of mine took me to a party a couple months ago where he knew there would be some really hot 20-someting "gold-digger" women. I hit it off with one of them and came away with two conclusions: (1) I got to live out my ultimate high school fantasy of sleeping on the first date with a woman hot enough to be a pinup - and that was amazing from a physical point of view; and (2) I had nothing in common with her to pursue a relationship. So I guess what I want is a woman as gorgeous as the 24-year-old blonde blue-eyed goddess I had the one-night stand with, but also someone who intellectually and emotionally has as much in common with me as my FWB. OK, I'll answer my own question... dream on. And keep the 24-year-old in my dreams, knowing I got lucky but that's way out of my league. But it has spoiled me nonetheless.
butcher's hook Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Sorry bud but any woman over 25 who's got an iota going emotionally and intellectually who also looks hot ain't settling for a bald fat dude regardless how much money or what he does for a living. Hate to burst your bubble but you should just stick to the 24 yr old she'll stick around as long as your cash is flowing. Welcome to single life!
shadowplay Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Lol. When I read the title of this thread I immediately finished it in my head with "...she's fat." It's sometimes funny to have your snap impressions confirmed.
deux ex machina Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Lol. When I read the title of this thread I immediately finished it in my head with "...she's fat." It's sometimes funny to have your snap impressions confirmed. Jinx, then. Me too. I'm serious, that's exactly what I thought.
Hkizzle Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Jinx, then. Me too. I'm serious, that's exactly what I thought. haha, that's pretty funny.
deux ex machina Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 To answer the original post in this thread: no, you are not shallow.
LucreziaBorgia Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I am stuck in her boat (39, tomboyish, could stand to lose 25 pounds), and trust me - it would be far better to do the mercy killing now (including cutting off FWB) before she gets too into it. It will hurt her, but trust me on this one - it hurts a lot more to be settled for and then dumped after you think you have a good thing going. The last guy (actually the last two) stayed with me for a while despite the fact that they weren't attracted (and they liked the sex - I'm good at it, after all) - and both of them gave me the false impression that I was attractive to them. Once they came clean and dumped me, I was devastated. All the confidence I had crumbled (which tends to happen when you build things on a liar's cheap foundation). I would rather have been told from the beginning 'thanks but no thanks, I'm not attracted to you' than to be led to have false hope, false confidence, painful wishful thinking, AND get used for sex. I get it though - they were in it for the sex, and while it might be convenient to use someone for sex, it isn't very nice to do it to someone who has the idea that you might feel more. Once FWB crosses that line, it is time to end things - and you can't go backward. Sorry, but you'll have to end it completely if you aren't feeling it. Otherwise, you will be consciously and deliberately hurting someone just to keep yourself laid. Is that the person you want to be?
loveslife Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Sorry, but you'll have to end it completely if you aren't feeling it. Otherwise, you will be consciously and deliberately hurting someone just to keep yourself laid. Is that the person you want to be? This is the part you really have to let sink in and understand. I've tried to convince male friends of this when they've been in your situation (or something similar where they just weren't feeling it for whatever reason.) It is SO cruel to lead someone on this way. Guys sometimes excuse the behavior by telling themselves, no harm done, she's enjoying it. WELLLLL, the day you do dump here everything that you had between you will feel like a lie to her. It's obvious you're just not that into her. So, cut the poor girl some slack and set her free. This is your opportunity to become a man.
deux ex machina Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 ...So I guess what I want is a woman as gorgeous as the 24-year-old blonde blue-eyed goddess I had the one-night stand with, but also someone who intellectually and emotionally has as much in common with me as my FWB. OK, I'll answer my own question... dream on. And keep the 24-year-old in my dreams, knowing I got lucky but that's way out of my league. But it has spoiled me nonetheless. The issue is your ambivalence, not the 24-year-old gold-digging goddess. You aren't all in with your the woman you are with.
seoa Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 think back to when you first got together... were you questioning your attraction for her in those early days (when your priority thought was more likely "could i get her interested in me")...? if you were, then i don't think there's anything to salvage here... if you're only questioning things now, then it's possible it's got more to do with the depth of the relationship at this stage... coz ultimately, if you don't accept what you know to be true (you're not going to find a healthy, well-balanced 30-something woman with the body of a 20-year-old model) you are choosing to stay on the single /dating scene for life... from john gray (who i don't always agree with, but a lot of what he says makes sense): During this stage of uncertainty, the grass temporarily looks greener on the other side of the fence. For a man, other women may begin to seem more appealing. Men tend to have a visual picture of their perfect mate, but very rarely is that picture ever correct. It is a fantasy picture of a man's ideal partner. Not until he begins to experience real bonding with a woman in a way that makes him feel successful will the power of that picture weaken and be replaced by a real person. As long as a man has not experienced the reality of making a woman happy, he will compare her with a fantasy picture. He may begin to question his feelings: "I like her, but she is not my picture." As a man continues to know a real woman and feel a real bond of desire, affection and interest, then his need for his partner to look like his fantasy picture subsides. The spell is broken when his heart opens and he feels a special connection with his partner. This process takes time, even if he is with the right person. In this stage, even if the grass on the other side of the fence begins to look greener, the man's new objective is to look and dig a little deeper on his side of the fence, to stop looking at the grass and dig for the gold. He may or may not find it, but he will never find it if he doesn't start digging. your best advice on this will come from happily married men (married == long-term partnership etc) - assuming you're ultimately interested in a successful long-term relationship... if you were looking for career advice, you'd talk to people who'd made it, wouldn't you...?
bac Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I think you are lucky to have great sex in 40s. I have tried to have sex with men in 40s but it did not work out well. In my opinion, men have great sex mostly with women who are not perfectly sexy. If she is not a big turn on, a man does not experience a fear of performance. So, he can relax and enjoy sex. With perfect women, men do not feel at ease, they are focused on their performance and proving their manhood. So, sex becomes a hard work for them instead of being pleasure and fun.
sumdude Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Other than what other posters have said the fact that you've been separated only a year probably means you're not ready for a deeper relationship just yet. You still need to finish up the divorce and do some more healing. You knew that when you said it's probably a rebound right? So your ambivalence could be coming from a lot of places. Finding reasons not to get in deeper.
Nagini Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Hey I can tell you seem like a great guy. People JUMP on guys and attack them for wanting thin shapely women. So many women, myself included, want tall men. Guys can't grow more, but everyone can lose weight. Which is stupid because a lot of women can be thinner but don't work at it. I myself lost 25 over last year and now have 15 lbs to go before Im size 2. And it's not ok to be fat .... It truly is bad for your health. I am now a health researcher and a new study shows that just being overweight as you grow old can 'shrink' your brain size Also cancer and heart disease rates are lowered with lower weight If you really like this woman (and I think you do) you should try and lose a little bit of weight yourself first and start talking about the gym and health. She might be inspired !
stepka Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Mmmm, I really don't think it's the weight--you're just not that into her. I married a man that I thought I'd be a fool not to, and regretted it years later. Oh sure, we got along great and had a good marriage, but "it" just wasn't there for me and now it's over and that's okay. But I feel sad for me and for him that I didn't love him more. We make better friends now than we ever did spouses.
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 I think you are lucky to have great sex in 40s. I have tried to have sex with men in 40s but it did not work out well. Wow. You made poor choices, then. Some of the best sex I have had was with older guys. Haven't done anything with the current guy, yet, but he's 43 with the body of a 30-year old....so maybe that won't hurt. LOL We'll see.
Jersey Shortie Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 I agree with Rob. I hope you let this women go to find a man that can really care for her in the way all women want to be cared for. Just because we all aren't 24 with perfect bodies, doesn't mean we don't want to be beautiful. Especially with the man that is being intimate with us. It sounds like you are using her because of the fun sex and good convo but you apparently don't respect her too much. You didn't want to pursue the "gold-digger" because you didn't want to be used for your money. In turn, if you have any human decently, don't use women for sex, even if it is great. And you aren't more of a man because you selpt with a hot 24 year old. Saying your now "spoiled" does infact make you sound like an over-grown frat boy then it does real man. Other men will slap you on the back and give you the thumbs up sign but these are not the things that make women respect men. So if you want a woman to respect you, do the things that will make that happen.
GoodOnPaper Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 I'm puzzled because: (1) I say she doesn't really turn me on, but in truth I do enjoy sex with her quite a bit (2) It would be pretty hypocritical of me to end the relationshp because she has to lose a bit of weight because so do I - so why do I get to have a higher standard (3) It seems pretty shallow to end what could be a terrific relationship over superficialness of appearance, yet I don't want to wind up down the road in one of those "I love you but are not in love with you" scenarios Of these, only (1) puzzles me. I don't feel connected to my wife because I don't enjoy sex with her as much as I think I should. You have compatibility + good sex and there's still no connection? There's obviously something big missing. Not wanting to feel hypocritical and shallow is natural if you have some level of sensitivity but you can't let it be the major factor in deciding whether or not to pursue a long-term relationship -- I did and learned that it doesn't make a very good foundation. It would probably be a mistake for you to go beyond the FWB stage, and as several posters have pointed out, you are probably past that breaking point with this particular woman.
Author separatedguy Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 I hope you let this women go to find a man that can really care for her in the way all women want to be cared for. Just because we all aren't 24 with perfect bodies, doesn't mean we don't want to be beautiful. Especially with the man that is being intimate with us. It sounds like you are using her because of the fun sex and good convo but you apparently don't respect her too much. Thank you and so many others for your advice. I understand how you can perceive it that way, but the truth is that I am not just using her - she understands full well it is FWB and in fact she herself made that suggest at first because she knows full well that we both need to see other people so soon after a separation. And that aside, she is clearly a very good friend and we connect emotionally on many levels. That is why it may be such a hard choice. Frankly I'm not sure I felt that connected emotionally even to my soon-ex wife. But if so, why am I questioning things overall - if it's just out of the fantasy of finding the same in a 24-year-old's body, well that's pretty unrealistic of me and probably short-sighted. And you aren't more of a man because you selpt with a hot 24 year old. Saying your now "spoiled" does infact make you sound like an over-grown frat boy then it does real man. I think it's pretty normal to want to "sow one's oats" in the situation of being separated. In fact I think it's healthy to get that out of my system before committing to someone else long-term. I didn't ask for the divorce - my STBXW had an affair - but I think it's pretty understandable for me to utilize this break and get my fantasies fulfilled before going on to the next committed relationship. Indeed, it may be that I learn a 24-year-old can't fulfill my emotional needs and that latter is what really matters.
Recommended Posts