Author Katherineos123 Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 Yeah, tell me about it. It took me 9 years with the wrong man to FINALLY get it. Thank God, I finally did. Oh and the ex, used to pull the silent treatment crap on me too. I always caved in to him. And yes, I've said it many times on here, that silent treatment IS a form of emotional abuse. No question. It's so wrong. There is no room in a good relationship for that silent treatment crap. Oh wow. Im sorry to hear about this... (er, read about this) Nine years is a LONNNNNG time... I cant even imagine being that invested in someone and having them pull this type of crap... And although some might disagree with the notion that silent treatment is a form of abuse... it sure as hell feels like one... So, what happened with you two? Did you eventually walk away? Or did he just pull an eternal silent treatment (this is my biggest fear in MY situation, I would be devastated)
Author Katherineos123 Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 He called me tonight. We spoke for about an hour.... we spoke about everything, although he couldnt exactly give me a definitive answer over WHY he stopped talking to me for 4 days... He said he didnt see that I had called him on Sat night, but that had I called him on SUnday, he wouldve picked up. Other than that, he pretty much said the same thing he said the last time "im sorry, im a selfish, stubborn bastard, and i just didnt want to deal with it... so i had to disappear" He explained to me that this is the way he has always been. things get tough, and he runs. he said he knows his communication skills suck, but that he doesnt honestly know if he'll ever be able to improve them, that they are too deep seeded. He even said he thinks he may be bi polar or something, I told him he seems more like a sociopath to me! I told him that he could never EVER do this to me and that it is NOT fair or respectful to me if he does... This is where it gets dicey... he pretty much told me that he doesnt want to PROMISE me that he wont disappear again, because its something that is almost uncontrolable to him, he just shuts off, and that he doesnt want to make a promise to me that he doesnt know if he can keep, and thus hurt me further... We then decided that we both need a few days to think things over, and figure out if this is something we are willing to fight for. but before we hung up, i reiterated that all i really need to hear him say is that he wont pull this move with me again. and he said "I wont do this to you again baby" I then asked him if he thought had we actually hung out all last weekend, and had a blast together like we had planned, would we even be having the break up conversation right now. He didnt know the answer. And neither did I. So. what do you think? I seriously do not want to throw this away, but the distance is killing us both, and its driving a wall between us... Since he couldnt make that promise to me, maybe I just have to compromise and learn to be the sould addresser of out issues... Since he has such a hard time doing so...
Author Katherineos123 Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 Thanks for your time HM, better late than never And he told me was/does think of me every second of the day, but that he just needs days off every now and again... I told him that he needs to at least tell me if he needs a few days to himself, I really dont mind that, but that he cant just dissappear on me like that. And as far as being busy, yes we talk/text everyday, but we are both very independent people, and we both have very busy lives outside of one another... I have so many wonderful friends, a great job, and lots going on around me, all of which I am so thankful to have, so there are many distractions at my beckon call. And if I am busy, I dont always pick up when he calls, and I dont always return his texts right away... But not because Im ignoring him purposely to play the power struggle game, but simply because Im in the middle of something, or I dont have time.... As far as being less available, Im afraid that if I do that, he will push me away further... this kind of behavior on my part was the catalyst for last weekend... he told me "youve been acting really distant this past week.." and I feel like he pulled the whole "im not coming with you" thing because he's putting his wall up...... I kind of want to try and arrange a weekend for us to get away together in a few weeks. that way we can remember the fun we have together, and how much we enjoy being around each other. Maybe that will help us get on the right track.
Sophia Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 From years of experience: he's not going to change without serious work on himself, and he's made it pretty clear that he's not going to do that. Quit focusing on trying to change him and ask yourself if you want to keep going through this cycle with him for the rest of YOUR life. Is this what YOU want?
westernxer Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 I don't see how you can't come to terms with the future hell that awaits you.
hoping2heal Posted August 29, 2009 Posted August 29, 2009 Thanks for your time HM, better late than never And he told me was/does think of me every second of the day, but that he just needs days off every now and again... I told him that he needs to at least tell me if he needs a few days to himself, I really dont mind that, but that he cant just dissappear on me like that. And as far as being busy, yes we talk/text everyday, but we are both very independent people, and we both have very busy lives outside of one another... I have so many wonderful friends, a great job, and lots going on around me, all of which I am so thankful to have, so there are many distractions at my beckon call. And if I am busy, I dont always pick up when he calls, and I dont always return his texts right away... But not because Im ignoring him purposely to play the power struggle game, but simply because Im in the middle of something, or I dont have time.... As far as being less available, Im afraid that if I do that, he will push me away further... this kind of behavior on my part was the catalyst for last weekend... he told me "youve been acting really distant this past week.." and I feel like he pulled the whole "im not coming with you" thing because he's putting his wall up...... I kind of want to try and arrange a weekend for us to get away together in a few weeks. that way we can remember the fun we have together, and how much we enjoy being around each other. Maybe that will help us get on the right track. In my experience, it's never going to be a good thing in the long haul, anytime one partner does something that is extremely hurtful and makes the other partner feel hurt and disrespected and their response to rectifying it is making excuses and more or less, refusing to work on, try to improve, or even consider the possibility of reorientating that behavior. Everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect but the key is those people who are WILLING, humble and INTELLIGENT enough to learn from and see it's imperative to learn from those mistakes. People who know they are hurting you, and they want to come up with an excuse why they can't work on that? It's a bunch of baloney.
Mei Mei Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 How would you handle and face if his disappearance that probably comes again after a period of time? Can the short term release solve the indepth issue suppressed? I hope you would be realistic than idealistic to strive for personal happiness.
D-Lish Posted August 30, 2009 Posted August 30, 2009 I couldn't imagine putting up with a guy like this. You are teaching him that going silent on you is acceptable. How? By reaching out to him, by accepting his apology and taking him back- only to allow him to do it again. I guarantee you 100% that if you were to wait out his tantrum and take it a step further by giving him the silent treatment, he would go crazy. Your pattern is: you do something he doesn't like, he chooses to ignore you, you seek him out to smooth things out. He needs a reality smack. He needs to think that if he goes silent~ YOU write him off.
tami-chan Posted September 1, 2009 Posted September 1, 2009 I'm going to be the lone dissenter here and say that even though she shouldn't have put another dude ahead of her BF, the BF was a total immature moron to use the silent treatment. It is not OK to go silent on someone. If you have an issue, talk it out. Silent treatment is emotional abuse. I agree with the above. Your BF is an immature, selfish little girly man. Dump him.
Author Katherineos123 Posted September 1, 2009 Author Posted September 1, 2009 We're going to be together this weekend, and I want to talk with him about everything... and tell him this cant happen again, and if it does, dont expect to ever hear from me again... On the other hand... We've spoken a lot the last few days, and especially tonight... He called me to say goodnight and when I asked him how his evening went he described to me how his buddy had asked him what he should do about a girl he is interested in, but is moving away in a few weeks... I laughed out loud and said "he's asking YOU for relationship advice?!" My boy politely giggled.... But I personaly thought it was HILARIOUS! Aaaaanyway. So my bf tells me that he told his friend that he should let this girl know how he feels because if he doesnt, he would regret it, and she could be "the one that got away" He told me that having this conversation with his friend really got him thinking of us. It reminded him how lucky he is to have me and how happy he is. That he didnt want ME to be the one that got away... When he hung up he said "I love ya so much" Maybe he's learned his lesson?
hoping2heal Posted September 2, 2009 Posted September 2, 2009 I hope so, I guess you'll know wether or not the next time these situations arise and he acts differently or back to the same old shennanigans. Best of luck.
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