Katherineos123 Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I dont know what to do right now.... Things were going so well between my boyfriend and I... We even talked about moving in together last weekend.... But then this weekend... Something changed. I came home. He came over to see me. We had plans to get together. But a friend of mine is moving to another country soon, so I wanted to get a chance to see him... I told my bf "So and so is leaving, I wanna see him, will you come with me!" to which he replied a firm "no." this upset me because I only asked him to go for a few hours, and I was really excited to see him, so I was really hurt by this... So I said "oooookay.... well lets get together later tonight then" and he replied with some kind of wishy washy repsonse... SO I left. An hour or two later I texted him saying "So, are we meeting up later tonight or what Pepe?" I even stuck the pet name in there so as to say I wasnt mad at him, I just wanted to see him.... No reponse. That was this past Saturday... And I havent heard from him since... And the thing is, this is not the first time this guy has gone MIA on me. I love him, but Im pretty sure I know what I SHOULD do... Its just that I dont WANT to... Would this be a deal breaker for you? I just dont know what the **** is going on in his head?? How could he be so cold?!
Thaddeus Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 You blew him off and cancelled your plans with him so you could go see another guy. He didn't want to accompany you because he didn't want to see you fawning all over your departing friend. He's pi$$ed because your 'friendship' with the other fellow took precedence over your relationship with your boyfriend. I'd be pi$$ed too. And I think you probably would as well if the situation were reversed; that is, if he blew off a previous commitment to you to see a female 'friend' of his.
Lovin a scrapper Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 You blew him off and cancelled your plans with him so you could go see another guy. He didn't want to accompany you because he didn't want to see you fawning all over your departing friend. He's pi$$ed because your 'friendship' with the other fellow took precedence over your relationship with your boyfriend. I'd be pi$$ed too. And I think you probably would as well if the situation were reversed; that is, if he blew off a previous commitment to you to see a female 'friend' of his. I agree totally with everything that you said here. I dont like being blown off for any reason much less another guy.
hoping2heal Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I agree totally with everything that you said here. I dont like being blown off for any reason much less another guy. I thirdly agree. If my bf did that to me, well let's just say he would be in the dog house and it would even create a bit of a trust issue and I would probably close down too. I understand friends are friends, but you are in an LDR and if I was looking forward to seeing my boo boo and then he comes and tells me "Oh my woman friend is leaving the country" I would be miffed. Not because he wants to see his friend, but it would make me feel " why is this other woman more important than me?" That is how it ends up feeling, and that is why he is acting this way.
carhill Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 So, OP, when is your friend leaving? Who requested the meeting? How well does your BF know this man? Does the friendship pre-date your R? At this point, I'll opine your BF's emotions and/or ego are engaged. IDK what value that is but there ya go.
Author Katherineos123 Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 Well I guess I never thought of his behavior as a jealousy issue... we didnt have permanent plans per say, only that we were supposed to do something together that night... Thats just not the kind of relationship we have. We are both very social people, and while we do get in our private time... It is completely not out of the ordinary for us to both go out with friends during the weekends in which we spend together... My bf is also friends with this guy... not the best of friends, but they definitely know each other, and the man who is leaving is one of my best friends in the world, and has been for almost 10 years... so as you can see, its not like I just up and "dicthed" him for some random dude that he didnt know... we've all gone out together before. And this friendship does indeed predate my relationship. I just cant see him being jealous over this, but as I said, I never really thought of it being a potential explanation for his behavior... So, I thank you all for this point of view... Its not so much the fact that he didnt go out with me that night... its moreso the fact that he has been giving me the cold shoulder ever since... He didnt seem mad when I last saw him on Saturday.... I just feel that if he was in fact mad at me for "choosing" to go see my friend over hanging out with him... shouldnt he be mature enough, and respectful enough to TALK to me about it?? And like I said, this isnt the first time that this guys has had some sort of an issue in which he is upset about, and just POOF! Vanishes! I spoke with him about it before, saying that this is not any way to treat people, let alone someone you supposedly are in love with. He promised he would never do it again, and that he would work on his communication skills... ANd now, here I am again... I always have to be the one to initiate contact in these situations... WHich is something I dont want to have to do again.. The longest we've gone was 5 days....
carhill Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 shouldnt he be mature enough, and respectful enough to TALK to me about it?? Yes. It appears past behavior may be a predictor of future behavior. Up to you what you want to do with that information...
kizik Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I'm going to be the lone dissenter here and say that even though she shouldn't have put another dude ahead of her BF, the BF was a total immature moron to use the silent treatment. It is not OK to go silent on someone. If you have an issue, talk it out. Silent treatment is emotional abuse.
sally4sara Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 You blew him off and cancelled your plans with him so you could go see another guy. He didn't want to accompany you because he didn't want to see you fawning all over your departing friend. He's pi$$ed because your 'friendship' with the other fellow took precedence over your relationship with your boyfriend. I'd be pi$$ed too. And I think you probably would as well if the situation were reversed; that is, if he blew off a previous commitment to you to see a female 'friend' of his. Yeah, but the guy friend in question is moving - out of the country even!, how much of a threat could he be perceived to be? For me? I'd totally understand and want to wish the girl off to her destination too (even if I thought of her as a threat ). The overly dramatic NEED to be first ALWAYS, no matter the situation or I'll pout off in a funk attitude is pretty childish IMO.
carhill Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I'm going to be the lone dissenter hereWell, I wouldn't want you to be lonely, so....
Thaddeus Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 It is not OK to go silent on someone. If you have an issue, talk it out. Silent treatment is emotional abuse.Frankly, kizik, I agree with this. But there may be more to the backstory than we realize. F'rinstance, there may have been situations where the fellow was clear and communicative about things and he got shut down, demeaned or slammed as a result. If so - and I'm NOT saying that happened here, I simply don't know - it wouldn't be too surprising that suddenly the fellow is a bit reticent about bringing this stuff up. He could very well just be shrugging his shoulders and figures that it's simply not worth the drama by getting into it. All that said, I truly don't know if that's the backstory or not.
carhill Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 OP, what's the dynamic between you and your BF's female friends? You said you're both 'social', so I presume he has some female friends similar to this gentleman who's leaving the country. I guess he could've gone out with one of them while you were sending off your friend. Seems simple enough...
Author Katherineos123 Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 well... his communication, or lack thereof, has always been a problem between us... Its like as soon as a conversation about us, our relationship, our problems, or how to fix them comes up... my bf (normally QUITE the chatty kathy ) completely shuts down. he puts up his wall. never has anything real to say, and if I do get him to tell me how he feels about things, its like pulling teeth... Its like he becomes a robot... Ive even jokingly called him a mandriod before... Thaddeus: He has never been communicative with me, in the entirety of our almost one year long relationship. I never have/ never would put him down for talking to me about how he feels... in fact, Id be elated! He's never told me about any of this kind of treatment in any of his other relationships... but who knows, he may have been burned this way in the past... Carhill: Hahah. He does have a few female close friends, one in particular, with whom I am also close with.... and have never felt threatened by. She's like his sister, much like the friendship I have with the guy in question... And as far as I know... (although I know shes not moving to Prague!) He very well couldve met up with her that night!
Spirit of the Ocean Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I'm going to be the lone dissenter here and say that even though she shouldn't have put another dude ahead of her BF, the BF was a total immature moron to use the silent treatment. It is not OK to go silent on someone. If you have an issue, talk it out. Silent treatment is emotional abuse. I agree with this. She didn't completely blow off the plan, they were still going to hang out. And it wasn't a secret meeting alone she asked him to come with her. I understand the need to spend every minute as possible with each other when you're in an LDR, I was in one too, but there are some things you need to do as well. And friends are still important. Having said that I can understand why he would have been upset, but I don't think silent treatment and complete withdrawal is the answer. I'm sorry this has happened Katherine, maybe you should give him a call and try and check with him what's going on. It's better to let him know how you feel as well right now. You don't want to be married to someone for years and everytime you have a disagreement you stop talking for a week!
Author Katherineos123 Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 Thanks everyone for their replies... I went over to a girlfriends apartment tonight... expecting to get a phone call at some point... and still, nothing. this is now going on day 4. Normally, I have no problem humbling myself, and being the first to address any issue we may have, because like I said... he's sure as hell not going to do it... But this time I feel differently... we've had these issues come up in the past where he has pulled a disappearing act... and I told him I wouldnt stand for this kind of disrespect. So, it may be trivial or petty, but since I was the last to attempt to initiate contact, I feel as though it is his turn this time... But then theres a part of me which just wants to talk this situation/problem/whatever you want to call it out, and be done with it. I do love him. and i dont want to break up with him, but everytime he has a problem he just simply cant STOP TALKING TO ME! So, how many time can you tell someone "you cant do this to me again" and take them back when they do, without losing all meaning to the groundrules youve laid down.... I dont want him to think he has me wrapped around his finger and that he can treat me however he wants and know that Ill take him back... Im thinking Im going to give myself some sort of timeline for him to contact me in... and after that, Im checking out... Maybe 2 weeks? JEEZ! that sounds like such a long time... I miss him
carhill Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Seems like replacing 'ice' with 'drama' might be appropriate at this juncture
Els Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 So, how many time can you tell someone "you cant do this to me again" and take them back when they do, without losing all meaning to the groundrules youve laid down.... I dont want him to think he has me wrapped around his finger and that he can treat me however he wants and know that Ill take him back... This part is of great concern. What constituted those talks of 'you can't do this to me again', exactly? Did he just mumble something non-commitally and you took that as a yes? Or did he honestly give you his word that he would never do it again and then proceed to break it repeatedly? Im thinking Im going to give myself some sort of timeline for him to contact me in... and after that, Im checking out... Maybe 2 weeks? JEEZ! that sounds like such a long time... I miss him Oh, honey, when I read this part (I have this annoying habit of reading a post from beginning to end to middle), I was totally going to tell you to NOT play this game with him, that it isn't worth the heartbreak, that you should just leave a message to get him to talk to you about it. Something like, "Honey, I don't know what's going on, I don't know what I did wrong, but if you think I did something wrong please call me and talk to me about it. I promise I'll listen." Because there can be so many things that you (and we, because we're limited by only the facts that you've told us) might have accidentally missed out or not thought about. Maybe he'd been having insecurities about this particular guy all along but didn't tell you. Maybe it wasn't about this entirely but something else that someone told him that wasn't true. Won't know and can't judge till we find out. But if the above is true, that each time he PROMISED to communicate better instead of just going cold like a fish... but kept breaking promises repeatedly... then I just don't know. Maybe you're right, you do need to do something to show him you're serious about this. The hard part about this though is that by making up your mind to do this, you essentially bring yourself through the most painful part of coping and breaking up (which is the first few days) when it might not truly be the end. I do hope you'll do whatever is best for your own happiness.
Author Katherineos123 Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 Thanks Els for your support... I still havent heard from him since saturday... and its breaking my heart. i just dont know how you can treat someone you love like this... maybe this is him breaking up with me and he's too cowardly to even give me a phone call And the conversations we have had reagarding his silent treatment, have pretty much been me reaching out to him first (the last time was around Christmas, and it lasted 5 days) and when I do talk to him he said something like "im so glad you called... ive been dying to talk to you" so id say "well then why didnt you call me??" and he just replied "i dont know... im a stubborn bastard" when I have told him that he cant do this to me again, he has pretty much replied along the lines of "i know, im sorry, i wont" but then again.... here i am. I dont want to play these games with him, but like you said, I want him to know im serious, and that he cant play me for a fool... Ive never quite dated anyone like this guy before... he is BY FAR the most prideful and stubborn human being i have ever met in my life. he would LITERALLY cut off his own nose to spite his face.... And then yell at it! And I just know that this is the way he is. its the way he has always been. i cant change him, yet I love him just the same. I just dont know why he cant be humble... even for me. He doesnt have to play the Alpha Male with me! I just want to shake him and say "DUDE! I AM NOT YOUR ENEMY! WHAT GIVES??" Ugh.
Thaddeus Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Katherineos, I concur with Elswyth on this. Now, my first thought was that your man had been basically 'trained' by recent experience to keep his mouth shut to avoid drama (again, to be sure, not necessarily 'trained' by you but maybe by a previous relationship or family background) but the more I read about it the more I think he's just, well, a stubborn bastard like he said. Now, it's true that you can't change him. No one person can really change another one, they can only change themselves. So is this a deal-breaker? I dunno. I really dunno. There are scores of threads and posts from men who are in relationships that essentially are complaining that their lady has lost their sex drive, and the fellows are concerned that they may be stuck in a sexless relationship. In most cases - not all, but most of them - the advice given usually falls along the lines of, "She's not going to change, it will probably get worse, so you have a decision to make." In a sense, I think that's kind of what's going on here, though it's not about sex, it's about communication. Best you can do is to bring it to his attention - again - and, if it is a deal-breaker for you, you'll have to be explicitly clear to him about it. No hints, no subtle cues, no innuendo, just clarity. Good luck. (By the way, withdrawing like that is not an alpha characteristic.)
Author Katherineos123 Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 Thanks for taking the time to respond again Thaddeus. A big part of me wants to contact him tonight and pretty much verbatim say what Els reccomended... Just to get this drama over with and clear the air, even at the cost of my own pride. Then another part wants to wait it out and see how long he will go before he tries to talk to me... But this option scares me... because what if its forever? I mean, if the guy wanted to break up with me over this... wouldnt he have done so by now?? I cant imagine that he would literally NEVER talk to me again! If we do talk soon, and we decide to try and work on whatever the elephant in the room is, I would definitely have to tell him that I would 100%, no questions/no excuses, as GOD is my witness, NEVER take him back if he pulls this move on me again. What would you guys do, honestly? Call him first and hash it out? Play the waiting game? Or say "well, we had a good run"...
Els Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Why not wait it out? If it's "forever" then who wants a man that will be so stubborn that not seeing you ever again is an option? I wouldn't. This guy needs to be trained. You've already shown him that you'll always be the one to come running. Actually, I should say he needs RE-training. You've already trained him the wrong way. Ugh...he sounds like too much work to me. What's that saying that they always throw around here? Something about wanting a relationship and not a project. He sounds like he falls into the latter group. While I agree that this advice is very theoretically sound and you might want to consider it, I'm afraid I must interject with something: Sometimes thing aren't all as cut-and-dry as they seem, especially in LDRs where so many things can be misinterpreted. I think that, for the last time, you should call him. And after the matter at hand is settled, you have to sit him down and tell him very very seriously, "I love you, but I can't do this anymore. The next time you just go off after I've unwittingly offended you instead of communicating about it, I am going to end this and I'm not going to call you back." Put the ultimatum on. And be prepared to carry it through.
Author Katherineos123 Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 Touche. You are completely right. I suppse I have trained him wrong I just am the type of person to want to fix things... I cant stay mad at someone, I dont hold grudges. If they are issues with anything in my life, romantic or otherwise, I like to resolve them... Immediately This is why Ive always been the one to initate contact first... not because I necessarily think Im in the wrong, but moreso because I am INCREDIBLY unconfortable when I feel as though people are mad at me... Especially when it comes to my relationships... And although he does seem like a lot of work, I still dont really want to break up with him, we have too much fun together to throw it all away so easily... Maybe he doesnt feel this way, but I do... But Im leaning more towards the side of riding it out and seeing if he does call me... Because if he doesnt, at least I know where I stand. And if he does, the conversation will mean more to me than one that he was forced to be in because I started it... But it still hurts, alot.
butcher's hook Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I'm going to be the lone dissenter here and say that even though she shouldn't have put another dude ahead of her BF, the BF was a total immature moron to use the silent treatment. It is not OK to go silent on someone. If you have an issue, talk it out. Silent treatment is emotional abuse. I agree!!! This is ridiculous. The boyfriend in this case is acting like a TOTAL baby, NO ONE blew him off. Her friend is leaving the country and she wants to say bye, she asked her man to come along, he said no and proceeded to sulk and now making her pay for it. The guy needs to grow up! If he is going to get jealous about that and on top of it give her the silent treatment expect a LOT more of this passive agressive behaviour in future from him. Cheaters are often passive agressive, something to seriously consider. They don't communicate their pain they lash out in underhanded ways.
Author Katherineos123 Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 I dont know. Although we are in a semi-long distance relationship, I can say with 99.9% certainty that he isnt cheating on me... I think he's just trying to test the fabric. I just dont know if its going to hold up This is really killing me. I miss him.
Author Katherineos123 Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 You can have a man who you can have fun with AND who doesn't shut you out. Why settle for less, you know? This is something Im having a hard time coming to terms with
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