confusedcookie Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 trust it the ultimate foundation of any relationship, if you don't have it... then its doomed to fail... it just goes downhill, i'm sorry. i found out some things about my ex, gasp, i realized that he could lie to me and other suspicious behaviours, and i'll never know if he cheated or not, and while i was still together with him because i "trusted" him, i didn't really, and he knew it. before long, i thought he owed me, and i made him jump through loops and was unappreciative, and i would get upset over the little things bc i just didn't trust him anymore. sad, it like a glass vase, you break it, and you try to fix it, but the cracks are still always going to be there. i'm sorry, needless to say, after i found out about the lying, we only lasted another 6 months when before, we were so happy together, and i thought we were going to get married =(
Author AlektraClementine Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 And you say that this is a great R, except for the trust issue? And that there is a (fluctuating) wedding date? And you are moving in together? Why would you want to marry or live with someone who is lying to you about a deep emotional attachment to another woman? This should be a HUGE red flag to you. It is a red flag to me. We also have a great relationship. The wedding date is not set. We have a time line established for setting a wedding date. If that time comes, and I'm still not ready to set it, we go to premarital counseling. According to him, it wasn't a deep emotional attachment. It was a trainwreck and a glimpse into his former lifestyle that he was addicted to seeing. Is he lying? Could be. Of course, I think the likelihood is there. But the truth is, no one can say for certain what his motivations are or were. Since this discovery, he's agreed to transparency. He's "embarrassed" and "profoundly sorry". Can someone change? Maybe. What I've told him is that I don't wish for him to change if it's not in his heart. If he's not ready to cut all of this out and be the husband I want, that's fine. I'd let him go. If he wants this however, that's his choice and he has to own it.
hoping2heal Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 It is a red flag to me. We also have a great relationship. The wedding date is not set. We have a time line established for setting a wedding date. If that time comes, and I'm still not ready to set it, we go to premarital counseling. According to him, it wasn't a deep emotional attachment. It was a trainwreck and a glimpse into his former lifestyle that he was addicted to seeing. Is he lying? Could be. Of course, I think the likelihood is there. But the truth is, no one can say for certain what his motivations are or were. Since this discovery, he's agreed to transparency. He's "embarrassed" and "profoundly sorry". Can someone change? Maybe. What I've told him is that I don't wish for him to change if it's not in his heart. If he's not ready to cut all of this out and be the husband I want, that's fine. I'd let him go. If he wants this however, that's his choice and he has to own it. I'm glad he's agreed to transparency. He has to work at it now. Someone mentioned their partner lying to them about things and breaking their trust and how the betrayed party felt like the betrayer "owed them something" and they wanted them to "jump through hoops" to prove things. I don't think this is a bad thing; if someone hurt you and broke your trust you are lucky to have them give you another chance and I know from experience (I was the offender) that if you really trully love that person you will GLADLY go full transparency (I offered up all my passwords to EVERYTHING; he didn't even need to ask me) , you will gladly go to any length to prove consistency and that you can be trusted. You will gladly endure the expression of anger and pain that comes out from the other person. I know this from experience because again; I am the offender. Trust CAN be rebuilt if it's what both parties want in their heart of hearts but it takes a lot of time a lot of patience and a lot of hard work; and for me? Nothing could be more worth it. I hope he isn't lying about his reasons for viewing her. I really hope he isn't, but you'll know soon enough after a few months passes without her and how he responds to that. I'm glad you two are going to work on rebuilding.
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