AlektraClementine Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 So the fiance and I have been having trust issues that were uncovered by me snooping. Never before was I an advocate of snooping until I stumbled upon a man who hides a lot of things. Nothing terribly egregious. Just red-flag stuff. So I need some tips on how to approach him with the latest little tidbit. His phone is always with him. No access to his email. So what I discovered prior to this was through internet history. I confessed to the snooping and he wasn't angry at all. I expressed remorse for having done something like that but also expressed concern that I now felt as though some truths could only be discovered by rummaging. We've been doing some solid work on this together but I still get anxiety sometimes and satisfy my urge to snoop. Sunday night, I went to bed before him which is not the norm for us. Typically we go to bed at the same time. Due to the trust issues, it doesn't take much to set off my spidey sense. Anyway, I've been silently bugging out for the last few days about what he might have been up to. Thus far, his indiscretions have been "electronic". So I snooped this morning and went to the scene of the last discovery. Internet history. It's all there. No mass deletion of history. However, Sunday night, the night in question shows only two websites visited. Football and CNN. I know this picture of his browsing is a vastly "dumbed down" version of his typical online MO.The boy is online crazy. I checked and with mac, you can choose to delete what history you want to. When I asked him what he was up to on Monday morning, his response was "watched some TV. D**ked around online. I'm keeping an open mind and a clear head right now. Or as much as possible. Before you say "dump him", let me just explain that I'm nowhere near that point. The good far outweighs this particular issue. I'd like to have the trust back. I'd like transparency. I'd like to wring his neck right now. Thoughts?
utterer of lies Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I'm keeping an open mind and a clear head right now. Or as much as possible. Before you say "dump him", let me just explain that I'm nowhere near that point. The good far outweighs this particular issue. I'd like to have the trust back. I'd like transparency. I'd like to wring his neck right now. Thoughts? Focus on obsessing over your inability to completely control his life.
Author AlektraClementine Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 Focus on obsessing over your inability to completely control his life. haha. That's actually funny. Thanks for the perspective.
Bejita463 Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 haha. That's actually funny. Thanks for the perspective. What he said was my initial thought was as well. Do you have a reason to be trying so hard to keep him under lock and key, or is it just habit?
Author AlektraClementine Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 I confronted him about some suspicions recently. Intuition was really all I had. When confronted, he lied adamantly about them. Repeatedly. So I snooped. I discovered that I was right and so I confronted him again Again, he lied. I confessed to snooping and told him what I knew. He fessed up. Going through this, I have lost a lot of trust. So, from time to time....even though we've been working hard to communicate and work through it, I still get the urge to snoop. The only truth I know is that snooping is a more reliable source.
Bejita463 Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 What was it he lied about? Are we talking shagging a chick then saying he didn't, or are we talking left the cap off the toothpaste and blamed it on you?
GorillaTheater Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I don't have any problem with snooping "for cause", but I'm curious about what he's lying about. Looking at porn? Chatting with the gals? What's he up to?
Author AlektraClementine Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 No, didn't catch him "shagging". I know he looks at porn and that doesn't bother me in the least. He lied about ex girlfriend stuff. I don't want to write a novel here so I'll cliffs notes it. She's been a pain. She's a drunk. Never let him go. The drunk dials only stopped in a few months ago when I'd finally had enough of just "smiling through it". He always said that he was disgusted by her and wanted absolutely no contact with her. Had no interest in her. Come to find out, he was seeking her out online and viewing her all the time online. Not just once or twice. That, I'd have been cool about. But I'm talking every single day. Sometimes multiple times in a day. There have been other things, but that was a central issue.
Author AlektraClementine Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 Now, back to my original question (which I suppose was not articulated very well), is... should I be worried about the deletion of almost all of his history on Sunday night? Seeing as how I don't toss a fuss over porn. Never have.
GorillaTheater Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Well, I get the "wanting to wring his neck" thing now. Does he know you know? If you don't want to dump him, you still at the very least need to thrash this issue out. He obviously, by covering his tracks or attempting to, knows he's in the wrong. He feels some kind of compulsion to continually check up on her, but needs to decide who is more important to him. To that end, you're probably going to need to consider what kind of consequences you'd be willing to dish out. Including breaking up.
GorillaTheater Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Now, back to my original question (which I suppose was not articulated very well), is... should I be worried about the deletion of almost all of his history on Sunday night? Yeah, probably so.
MichiganMan222 Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 There are three reasons we guys hide our history: Because we are looking at something that isn't a big deal, but will piss you off or is embarrassing and we don't want to deal with the lecture (e.g. donkey-fister-dot-com, ican'tstopjackingoff-dot-org, eSymptoms/herpes, top-10-ways-to-hump-a-turkeyvulture, etc, etc); because we are cheating on you (checking our dating website profiles); or because we are spying on YOU and going through YOUR accounts. Yes, on a Mac you can cherry-pick which links you want to delete and which to save. For the record, he's kinda thick for not putting more legit links on there to throw you off lmao!!! I hate cheating so I will tell you there is software out there than will record links under the radar whether he whacks them or not. I don't have titles, but you can search for it. You'll have to install it on his Mac so if he's computer smart and you're average, you may want to be careful about that because he may be able to detect it.
Lisa Bartley Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Well, as you've already started snooping: most people are smart enough to delete the history, but forget to remove the thousands of cookies that sites install. Find out where your pc keeps the cookies (usually in a temp folder)...and you know what he is looking at!
EricaH329 Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 No, didn't catch him "shagging". I know he looks at porn and that doesn't bother me in the least. He lied about ex girlfriend stuff. I don't want to write a novel here so I'll cliffs notes it. She's been a pain. She's a drunk. Never let him go. The drunk dials only stopped in a few months ago when I'd finally had enough of just "smiling through it". He always said that he was disgusted by her and wanted absolutely no contact with her. Had no interest in her. Come to find out, he was seeking her out online and viewing her all the time online. Not just once or twice. That, I'd have been cool about. But I'm talking every single day. Sometimes multiple times in a day. There have been other things, but that was a central issue. Ah, i'm in a very similiar situation now myself. Only he actually e-mailed her after telling me that he hates her. I'm trying to figure out how to approach him about this myself. I wish I could give you some advice, but i'm definitely going to keep checking back to see what everyone else is saying about this. Maybe it could help both of us!
New Again Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I'm with Gorilla Theater on this. I would be very suspicious.
Enema Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 This relationship is doomed. You don't trust him anymore and despite your wishes, you'll never get it back.
Author AlektraClementine Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 This relationship is doomed. You don't trust him anymore and despite your wishes, you'll never get it back. Yikes
Bejita463 Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Yikes A little harsh, but he's more likely to be right than not. The behavior you described does not sound innocent to me. I've been checked upon, and I dislike it massively, but I never tried to hide anything. Why? I had nothing TO hide. I considered removing the ability to check up on me out of spite, simply because of my dislike for the behavior, but there is a difference between that and covering tracks. Deleting a browser history is track covering. The question is what he is covering, and it sounds like you already know. You probably don't trust him anymore, for good cause. That's my take on it.
Author AlektraClementine Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 Ok, I'm a grown woman who can admit when she's wrong. Turns out Sunday's history was limited because it was late and rolled over into Monday morning. Duh. All there. Buuuuut, I found something else.....dundundun Lesson 1 - it's true that when you resort to snooping, chances are you'll find innocuous items that you know no truth about but will knot up your stomach for two days. Lesson 2 - When you get the urge to snoop (provided you aren't a professional snoop), somethings up. Either walk out on your relationship because you just don't trust them. OR. You can be like me. Forge on in your quest for information. Something WILL pop up
Author AlektraClementine Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 A little harsh, but he's more likely to be right than not. The behavior you described does not sound innocent to me. I've been checked upon, and I dislike it massively, but I never tried to hide anything. Why? I had nothing TO hide. I considered removing the ability to check up on me out of spite, simply because of my dislike for the behavior, but there is a difference between that and covering tracks. Deleting a browser history is track covering. The question is what he is covering, and it sounds like you already know. You probably don't trust him anymore, for good cause. That's my take on it. I hate how I feel when I snoop. I've never done it in a R. Makes me feel icky. But after I've discovered something, I feel ickier about having been made a fool of. You all could be right. Wish you could see us in action. It's like bizaaro world. This one thing is the ONLY thing wrong with this R. Outside of that, we're pretty communicative and romantic and make each other laugh. A lot. We've just agreed to move in together. I've postponed the setting of a wedding date. The agreement is...If things are not markedly improved by November, we go to pre-marital counseling. He knows I do not trust him.
hoping2heal Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 No, didn't catch him "shagging". I know he looks at porn and that doesn't bother me in the least. He lied about ex girlfriend stuff. I don't want to write a novel here so I'll cliffs notes it. She's been a pain. She's a drunk. Never let him go. The drunk dials only stopped in a few months ago when I'd finally had enough of just "smiling through it". He always said that he was disgusted by her and wanted absolutely no contact with her. Had no interest in her. Come to find out, he was seeking her out online and viewing her all the time online. Not just once or twice. That, I'd have been cool about. But I'm talking every single day. Sometimes multiple times in a day. There have been other things, but that was a central issue. This doesn't spell out trouble for you? You say, you are nowhere near the thought of dumping him, you say you just want the trust back. Well, put it this way; it doesn't matter what he SAYS, his ACTIONS are a clear sign that he's thinking of her A LOT. You don't look at someone and seek them out every day, or even multiple times a day; when you are disgusted and appauled and you have relationship closure over them. I used to look at my ex a lot back in the day, but it was because I missed him and because I still had feelings for him, and god it wasn't even every single day.. much less MULTIPLE times. Should you be concerned about Sunday? In a sense yes. However, I think Sunday is quite petty in contrast to what a big fish to fry you have in front of you upon learning his constant seeking out of his ex. Don't you think?
Author AlektraClementine Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 This doesn't spell out trouble for you? You say, you are nowhere near the thought of dumping him, you say you just want the trust back. Well, put it this way; it doesn't matter what he SAYS, his ACTIONS are a clear sign that he's thinking of her A LOT. You don't look at someone and seek them out every day, or even multiple times a day; when you are disgusted and appauled and you have relationship closure over them. I used to look at my ex a lot back in the day, but it was because I missed him and because I still had feelings for him, and god it wasn't even every single day.. much less MULTIPLE times. Should you be concerned about Sunday? In a sense yes. However, I think Sunday is quite petty in contrast to what a big fish to fry you have in front of you upon learning his constant seeking out of his ex. Don't you think? I do think. Thanks for the advice.
hoping2heal Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I hate how I feel when I snoop. I've never done it in a R. Makes me feel icky. But after I've discovered something, I feel ickier about having been made a fool of. You all could be right. Wish you could see us in action. It's like bizaaro world. This one thing is the ONLY thing wrong with this R. Outside of that, we're pretty communicative and romantic and make each other laugh. A lot. We've just agreed to move in together. I've postponed the setting of a wedding date. The agreement is...If things are not markedly improved by November, we go to pre-marital counseling. He knows I do not trust him. Well, I honestly feel terrible for you. If it was me; I know I could not handle it. I have to know that when I'm in love with a man and he is the ONLY ONE, I HAVE to have that be a mutual thing. Our relationship could of been every bit a fairytale, but the day I discover he is seeking out his ex constantly..it would be a punch to the stomach and it would make everything that was good about us evaporate in one instance. There would be no going back because how could we? It's not like he lied about porn, he lied about another woman. One he has very obviously still has some deep feelings for if he needs to seek her out on a daily basis and lie to YOU to cover for HER. I feel very sad for you but at the same time relief that you found this out now before you married him.
allina Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 This one thing is the ONLY thing wrong with this R. Outside of that, we're pretty communicative and romantic and make each other laugh. A lot. Ok, but this is a pretty HUGE thing. Trust and honesty are the foundation of any relationship. It's not clear from your posts what you have been finding but something is up. Please don't minimize the seriousness of this situation. Be honest with yourself. I know you love him and wish this wasn't happening, but it is. I would hate for you to go on pretending that everything is fine and make a huge mistake by marrying this guy.
Lucky_One Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 He lied about ex girlfriend stuff. I don't want to write a novel here so I'll cliffs notes it. She's been a pain. She's a drunk. Never let him go. The drunk dials only stopped in a few months ago when I'd finally had enough of just "smiling through it". He always said that he was disgusted by her and wanted absolutely no contact with her. Had no interest in her. Come to find out, he was seeking her out online and viewing her all the time online. Not just once or twice. That, I'd have been cool about. But I'm talking every single day. Sometimes multiple times in a day. There have been other things, but that was a central issue. And you say that this is a great R, except for the trust issue? And that there is a (fluctuating) wedding date? And you are moving in together? Why would you want to marry or live with someone who is lying to you about a deep emotional attachment to another woman? This should be a HUGE red flag to you.
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