I think I have been played?

[waterrat]

Hi all. Would like to start by saying that I have been reading since Dec 08 and you have all been very helpful. I believe I have recently figured out that I have been played......hopefully this will not be to long!

 

]My ex and I have broken up and tried 3 times over the last 20 months, the last being about a month ago. She is 34, I am 43. She has 2 kids from to different fathers (flag) I have a dog!! When we first met she was living at her parents with her kids(flag)

 

First break up was after 5 1/2 months when she basically just blurts out that she feels alone so figures she should be alone. No discussion of what is wrong or nothing! We had never even argued! So the next day at work (we work in same building) she e-mails me to go on break as nothing is wrong and we do the elevator kissing as we always did. After a few more days of this I start asking "what is going on, what are we doing" She starts blaming me for being and doing all kinds of things that cannot be farther from the truth. I try and justify everything she says to no avail. So after about a month of this (we are not actually together during this time) She finally admits it is her that is confused and does not know what she wants. (flag) So I back off and go LC, as we see each other at work. About 2 months after the initial break up, she calls and says she wants it all, me and her the kids everything which is what I believed I wanted at the time. She is all sweet and apologetic for the first few days, then starts with these nasty comments towards me that really don't make any sense and that I find very hurtful. After 2 weeks I can't take it anymore so I ask her what is up with all the nasty stuff. Well that was a mistake, she does the same thing as before, blaming me for all kinds of stuff that just does not make sense, yet will not even speak about why she is being the way she is. As I see it now she always does the same thing, deflect, deny, then turn the blame around and it is not even what we should be discussing. So after a couple days of this I say I'm done if you cannot discuss these issues. So that is round 2.[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

I go strictly NC as I am really not happy with her and am starting to see what kind of person she really is. I do see her at work, but avoid her completely not even a glance. I know this drives her crazy as she mentions so to her friend that I still talk to, but that is not why I was doing it. I was done, gone, healing and doing very well. Keeping busy, built a new shed..etc, etc. Anyway after 2 months of strict NC, she calls me out of the blue again. Same routine, apologizing, being all sweet again and missing me. So we go out (silly me) but I ask her outright this time "what do you want" I get no answer. I am not happy with her reaction to my question, she always avoids any important issues we need to discuss, then blames me for not communicating. Anyway, so we end up sleeping together that night which I realize was a mistake today but we really enjoyed each others passion. The next day by e-mail she says things are clearer for her today and says she is sorry for not explaining herself the night before. So I assume she is going to tell me what she wants. All the while I am telling myself that I will not jump in with both feet until she tells me. Well after a month of this, we do not see each other that often as she almost always has her kids, I still really want to know what she wants and plan to speak to her of this soon. At this point I am not involved with the kids, but want to be so we can have a real relationship. When she is over one night she is telling me about some personal stuff about her past that I never knew...basically about her last break up (3 yrs prior) it was pretty messy as her ex hit her as she put it, her parents putting her in hospital, she was on medication etc. Which she stop taking after a year on her own. She also mentions her parents thought she was BP. I kind of just do a hm thing as I am listening. She says what was that for so I am honest with her and tell her that at on point in time when we were not together I thought the same thing because of the way she reacts to things. Mistake!! She blurts out that she doesn't even wnat to be in a relationship. So I say, well what are you doing here? I asked you up front what it is you wanted. Again, she avoids my questions, deflects and blames me for not communication about the relationship. So we are basically done again. Our next few conversations I try to discuss with her about what happened. She won't even go there. To her it is all my fault and my point about how important it was to know what she wanted means nothing, she won't even go there. Again same routine!

 

So I guess what I'm looking for is just some type of diagnosis. I have been reading a lot about Toxic People, Toxic Relationships and Personal Disorders. They all seem to make sense to me as her reactions, avoidance, blaming all seem to fit somewhere in there. She shows no remorse or empathy, she never told me she loved me or how she really felt, even when asked directly. Says actions are bigger that words. Every time she has come back she has said she is f'ed up!

 

I feel drained as the life has been sucked out of me, but not because I miss her as I do not want to be with that type of person.

 

Anyway, this is long enough I can give more details along the way. Thanks for reading. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[GorillaTheater]

I understand that you want a diagnosis, and I might agree that it sounds like BP, but I'm not particularly qualified to say and I'm not sure anyone else here is either.

 

So I'll instead ask about what most folks here are going to want to know: what are your plans? What do you want? Do you want to get back together with her? If so, why?

[waterrat]

I want nothing to do with her! I plan nothing, just forget about her and work on myself. What torments me is I cannot believe I let this happen!

[GorillaTheater]

I want nothing to do with her! I plan nothing, just forget about her and work on myself.

 

For a guy who's planning nothing, this sounds like a fantastic plan. That's certainly the advice I'd offer.

 

 

What torments me is I cannot believe I let this happen!

 

Eh, not to make light of the pain you're probably feeling, but it happens to the best of us. The only thing you can do is learn from this experience, not only what to watch out for in the future but what you want out of a relationship, including where your personal boundaries are or should be. And defend those boundaries to the death. Best of luck to you.

[waterrat]

Thanks! I know I'll come through this ok. Just hard to understand at the moment.