MissLH Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 My situation is I was seeing a guy for 3 months who suddenly broke things off a week ago. There were added complications with the relationship as he has kids who he struggles to spend time with because he has a job that takes him out of the country a lot. He has said that our that our break up is all down to bad timing, that we were very compatible and that it is so rare to find someone like me. In the time we were together, he said that he hadn't felt like this for anyone since his split and was making references to the future. He split from his ex 18 months ago and has admitted that he is over-compensating spending time with his children to make sure that they are coping with the split which I completely understand and I would never try to compete with his kids for his time, but his ex makes things difficult for him by changing arrangements at the last minute and we were just not getting a chance to spend much time together. On the day he broke things off, he was pretty jet-lagged and then ran straight into a huge row with his ex over the kids and he told me that he felt that it was just too hard at this time in his life with his job, kids and ex, but maybe in a few months when things are more settled into a routine, he could be in a relationship. I know I could be kidding myself here but I honestly feel he wanted to spend more time with me but it would have meant giving up time with his kids to do it but at this sensitive time for them, he felt he couldn't do that. It's funny, but it actually makes me want him even more, knowing that he feels that strongly for his children and wants to do all he can at the moment to make sure that they are ok with what must be a very difficult time for them with their parents splitting up - arrggghh, it's so very frustrating! I would like to hope that maybe sometime in the future we could start over. I appreciate that we were only together for 3 months but I rarely meet anyone who I gel with so much. We really were very compatible and had a great time together so it seems like such a shame it has ended purely because of circumstances and not personalities. Has anyone been in that situation where the timing has been off but when things have got more settled in the future, been able to re-connect? I just know that when he is settled and ready for a relationship, he will get snapped up by someone else...oh well Thanks for any opinions on this.
leap83 Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Hey, So I found your thread. Yes. I'm in that situation. Timing is just horrible. The way I have decided to deal with this is to keep in touch with the guy. Because if you don't then you're running the risk of potentially losing them. So, my situation is not as complex as your since the guy I was seeing doesn't have kids and we're quite young. We decided to go NC for a couple of weeks so that he can resolve whatever he needs to: a) deal with his past; b) get over his past. He didn't ask for a second chance because he didn't want me waiting and he thought it would be selfish of him to ask but I said that I'll be there for him no matter what. And I stand by my decision. So I embarked on a very rocky road. These 2.5 weeks have been absolutely horrible for me. I miss him incredibly. Sometimes I think like I'm going to break the NC, so I end up calling my best friend instead and saying everything I wanted to say to him instead of to this guy (sometimes I hate him... so it's a good thing I don't actually call him). However, I'm doing good. Overall. I thought I would lose the feelings I had for him but it hasn't happened. In fact, I have realized how much he means to me. He's supposed to contact me either this week or next week (hopefully this week... I'm really hoping it's this week). So your man was talking about future as well? That's a good sign. Because why on earth would he lead you on?! What good does it do?! If he wasn't interested, he would have made it clear that he sees no future between you two. So the key here is that you keep in touch. Not right away obviously because feelings are involved but give it a couple of weeks and then maybe (if he has time), go and see each other (not on a date - as friends). That's the way I see this working out. And that's the path I'm taking and willing to take for this guy. Just for the record, I never give second chances. You blow one chance, you don't get another. He was the only exception in my life. Why? Because it felt right. And it still feels right.
Author MissLH Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 Hey Leap, Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It is horrible to think that you may lose out on someone and something special because of timing and nothing else. When me and my man had the break up talk, there was no talk of keeping in touch. I'd like to think that maybe it is as your situation in that he didn't think it would be fair to ask me to wait. I really don't know what to do for the best now. Two days after we split I sent him a text saying that I hoped he was ok, that I understand the situation and that if he ever wanted to talk about things, I was here. i didn't expect to get a response but he did 5 days later saying how much he appreciated my text, talked about his up-coming holiday with his kids, that he had a good time with me, he was just sorry about the timing. I sent a short text back to hope he had a great time with the kids. I don't want to contact him again, I feel I should leave it alone now. Who knows if he will ever get in touch again - I do really hope so. I will wait for him as I think he is worth the wait, but I bizarrely both hope and fear that my feelings for him will diminish with time. Hope they do so I don't feel so sad about everything but fear that if my feelings diminish, his will also. Leap, I really hope you hear from your man soon, please let me know as I'd like to know how you are getting on.
leap83 Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Well, I think the important thing here is to stay in touch. If you don't, then you risk losing him. I was afraid that my feelings would diminish as well and I even warned him about that, but to my surprise, they have only grown. Usually, it would take me about a week to get over someone and move on, but the deeper we got into this break, the more I realized how much he means to me - little things remind me of him and I have this tendency to remember quite vividly some of the days we spent together. That was not the case with anyone else. I can't say anything about the way he's feeling. I can only hope that his feelings for me didn't diminish and that when we see each other, we have a much deeper relationship than the one we had previously. But you never know... You should try to keep in touch with him. I know it is hard, but if you have patience and you said you're willing to wait for him, then I don't see a problem in keeping in touch and being present in his life as a friend for now. There's nothing bad about that. Your relationship can only grow. The last time I talked with him, I made it very clear that I don't see him as a friend but more than that and that I don't stay friends with exes for no reason. He insisted we stay friends and for days I kept wondering why, until my best friend (a guy) said that the only reason why a guy like this guy would do that is if he saw potential and future in the relationship. Otherwise, there wouldn't be a reason to be friends with me unless he wanted to string me along which again doesn't make sense (he's generally not that type of person). So, yes. I settled for less right now. This is the first and the last time I'm doing something like this. It is important to keep being strong in these situations. It's tough. Hell, I wish this whole thing was different but there's no other way. He kept thinking he was not making me happy, that he was keeping distant and not telling me everything he felt for me, that he wasn't performing to his full capacity and he strongly believed I deserved way more than what he was giving. So, he had it set in his mind that he wasn't good enough right now, which is not true because I was incredibly happy when I was with him. I wished he would have opened up a bit more, but it wasn't necessary. There were times when I saw in his eyes like he wanted to say something, but then he sort of went off the tangent and I can't say it didn't bug me - I knew what he wanted to say (sort of weird... I know) but he didn't say it. So, if taking time apart will help in this, then great. If it doesn't, then at least we tried. At least I won't wonder what if... However, I hope, I truly hope that everything turns out good. I trust him and right now, that's all I can do. As well as hold onto his words the last time we saw each other. Feelings shouldn't diminish if it's right. If he's the one for you, I'm a firm believer they won't diminish - after going through that stage myself. That's how I know that this is right. But I never doubted that really - the moment I met him, I knew he would be trouble. And I'm a skeptic myself and rarely fall for someone in a matter of months (it has actually never happened). If he doesn't call by Friday, I'm going to have to call him (to check up on him). Nothing else. Nothing more. Just to make sure that he's okay. That's all I worry about right now.
Author MissLH Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 Hey, I feel like in my situation that it is all over really. For you Leap, you have this understanding that you will wait for him to resolve his issues with the hope possibly on both sides you will get back together - I don't have this, we didn't have that conversation. There was no talk of keeping in touch or being friends. I didn't expect him to respond to my text but he did, so he must have been thinking about me and maybe I can take some hope from that? But the longer it goes between contact, the more I feel he will forget about me but I don't think I can just randomly contact him to stay in touch, especially if I get nothing back - clearly that would be a sign from him that he doesn't want to know me anymore. I truly want to have hope but I'm afraid I am rather cynical of these things and don't believe that we will have a relationship again. As I said before, when he is ready to have a relationship, it won't be with me as he will have forgotten about me and that makes me really sad.
leap83 Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Hmmmm... Well, what did he tell you last time you talked? Have you brought up the fact that you want to stay friends and see how it goes from there or you didn't say anything? In my case, the guy insisted we stay friends and he was very depressed the first time around when I said no to that. I didn't get why but later on, when we talked, he told me. The first time around he told me as well, but I was concentrating way too much on the fact that he didn't want to be with me that I didn't really pay attention to what he was saying. However, the last time we talked, I brought up the fact that I want to keep in touch and I specifically said "I want to keep in touch because I hope we could be together in the future." He agreed on that. So, did you try bringing it up to him? It's hard to go through this if you're being pessimistic and you're saying how he'll forget about you. He won't forget about you. I don't think that is possible if you really had such an impact on his life. So, why don't you ask him to meet up and talk with him about this? I know you're terrified and sad, but I think when it comes to this sort of thing, you've got to be open and honest as well as communicate about the whole situation. You can't assume. What if you're wrong? What if he believes that there is a chance between you two but he didn't want to say anything because he doesn't know what future holds? What if you let him go and then regret it? Do you believe he deserves a second chance? If you do, call him. Talk with him. I'm sure he can spare half an hour to meet with you and make this situation clear. I mean, can it get any worse than this? No. So you've got nothing to lose. You should talk with him.
leap83 Posted August 28, 2009 Posted August 28, 2009 So... just wanted to update you. I talked with him. Finally. After 2.6 weeks. Feels good. Now comes the hard part - starting the whole thing slowly. Trying to be friends first and then moving onto the next stage. It's going to be tough because I miss him a lot and he misses me too. And he knows that he won't be able to not kiss me when we see each other. Now that's called attraction. And now I have a problem with it. Before I didn't.
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