letinmotion Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I once again am coming before all of you to ask for your genuine advice and opinions. I never thought I would have to deal with this but I was surprised and disgusted, to discover that 1 and 3 women have been sexually abused. It makes me both extremely sick and sad. The girl I've been seeing for several weeks and I were getting intimate and before things got too crazy she abruptly stopped and asked if we could put our close back on. She uttered this almost in a panicked sort-of-way but I happily obliged. Held on to her and tried to comfort her as best as I could as she was gearing up to tell me what why she did what she did. Then she told me and what she told me hit me like a ton of bricks. I could not think of any words of comfort as she told me hesitantly "I was raped when I was 16.." I have no idea what to expect or what to do or even what to think...I have developed some fairly strong feelings for this girl and this doesnt bother me but it bothers me that I do not know what to do in this situation. She also told me that I was the third person she has ever told. She said she really didnt want to have to tell me and wasn't planning on it. Why would she include this detail? I am HOPING that someone can shed some helpful advice. I am a fish out of water right now.
Author letinmotion Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 And obviously this isnt just a problem that I can easily solve--im not looking for that simple solution. More so, just some feedback and advice from someone whos been there.
joseffrost Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 This isn't an easy situation to be in - I once had a girlfriend who had been through the same thing. She would panic before and occasionally even during sex which can be very unsettling. Just be patient and understanding - the key is trust and when she comes to trust you fully in intimate situations you will be able to help her to get through it.
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Thankfully, I am not one of the "1 in 3," but I think as a woman I can understand where she's coming from. The statistics make me angry. But anyway... Just be there for her. A lot of rape survivors struggle with feelings of guilt (thinking they must have done something to cause it, or guilt from religious brainwashing) or feelings of being "damaged goods." Don't keep bringing it up. If you do, it indicates that you have some kind of hang-up with it and it will only reinforce her negative feelings about it. Has she had any counseling for this? If she hasn't, and she brings it up again or if the problem presents itself, gently ask her if she has talked to a counselor about this. Just BE THERE for her. Be prepared that sometimes sex can be a scary prospect for her - bringing back the feelings of powerlessness that she felt from the experience at 16...and she'll shut down. Do NOT take it personal. You did great at comforting her - just be prepared that it could happen again.
lucy9216 Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I was actually raped myself when I was 16 too, and I never told anyone until I was 20. I carried this for years and I did find that once I opened up about it this did help alot. I thought for years that it was my fault and I did something to deserve it, I know now that is not the case. I did for years and still do have problems with being intimate, hell my ex-fiance left me because he felt I was not intimate enough with him but most of the time when he would approach me he made me feel like a piece of meat and this often brought back horrible flashbacks and I would shut down. The best advice I could offer is definatley take things really slow, make sure that she knows that you love or care for her just the way she is. I would also suggest that when you feel the time may be right to intimate again use some techniques that are not as intimadating such as giving her a massage. This will help with releiving stress or anxiety when it comes to sex and will allow her to relax and just let things flow naturally. This also works great because it does take alot of the pressure off of her that she has to have sex with you. Not to say that you are pressuring her into anything, I mean you sound like a great guy to be concerned for her well being but using circumstance that are less intimadating will allow her to feel more comfortable with being intimate again.
hedarah Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I am very experiened on the subject myself and just wanted to share with you what my boyfriend and I worked on for years. 1.) she told you the detail she only told three other people because she didn't want you to tell other people, and to tell you its private to her. She didnt intend to tell you im sure, she might have been having whats known as a "flashback." 2.)If you really care there for her and want to work for a good strong passionate loving honest relationship consider it seriously. If you want to be with her and help her when shes willing talk to her about it. Or get her a book called "how long does it hurt" and if she wants to share any of it with you she should. My boyfriend got me that years ago and it was helpful book but, talk and listen to her when she wants to share..... What can you expect, im sure sometimes she might get sad about it but she will get over it especially if you just give her a hug or ask if she wants to go for a walk or get a coffee or chocolote , icecream, flowers something to make her smile, or just play a good song not all cheezy when shes crying but when shes done if she doesnt wanna talk anymore. 3.) With sex let her initiate.. Its the exact oposite of what happened and feels so empowering. You should give her massages if she wants them and kisses when and where and if she wants them, hopefully shell accept them on her neck anytime and hopefully shell be begging to have you other placees and tell her you want her to intitate it not all the time but just remind her that its on her Hope this helps. Im not a professional but very experienced
hedarah Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 i just wanted to add that those things all helped me to be very sunshiney
JohnnyBlaze Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 In a sad commentary on the statistics, for as few women as I've dated in my life, I've been in your position twice now. All you can do is just be there for her. Don't push her to tell you any more about it; she will tell you in her own time, when/if she feels ready. Be gentle with her, but don't back off too much - remember, she's not a leper. You'll find the middle ground easily enough. Like others have said, massages are great. Even if it's not leading to sex, it reinforces the association that your touch brings good feelings. Cuddling/snuggling with her has the same effect. Eventually, she'll start to feel more comfortable and she'll start taking things further. And again, like others have said, let her set the pace. She'll let you know, in no uncertain terms, when she's ready.
Author letinmotion Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 Thanks for the advice guys! I really appreciate it. She's being somewhat "stand offish" but I guess I do not really blame her.
Thomas X Forever Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 This is such a shame. Guys who rape/abuse are truly sickening vermin. Report it to Detective Stabler and Bentson. The SVU can handle this.
borbiusle Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 You're gonna find yourself walking a fine line beween boyfriend/psychiatrist, not a good mix. Good luck man.
kizik Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Report it to Detective Stabler and Bentson. The SVU can handle this. Guys who rape/abuse are truly sickening vermin. So are guys who use rape threads as grounds for attempts at humor.
GorillaTheater Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 So are guys who use rape threads as grounds for attempts at humor. Emphasis on "attempts". I saw that and thought "what the hell is he talking about now?"
Jersey Shortie Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 1 in 3 women are raped??? That is really sad.
C-i-C-u Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 1 in 3 women are raped??? That is really sad. It might not even be true. That number is just way too high. It probably has something to do with a special interest group intentionally stating it higher.
parrotlover Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 As far as I could tell from a quick google search slighty over 30% of woman in the United States report sexual abuse at some point in their lives. That includes sexual abuse of a female child, rape, date rape, and other forms of molestation. I can see that being true. A very few sick men/woman can hurt a large number of innocent people.
Author letinmotion Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 As far as I could tell from a quick google search slighty over 30% of woman in the United States report sexual abuse at some point in their lives. That includes sexual abuse of a female child, rape, date rape, and other forms of molestation. I can see that being true. A very few sick men/woman can hurt a large number of innocent people. I was just going to say that I didn't state 1 in 3 women are raped.. I said 1 in 3 women in the United States have been sexually abused. Sickening.
Lish Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Ugh. I understand what she is going through a little too well (I'm sure you can guess what I'm implying), so I hope I can help in some way. Firstly, thank you for not being narrowminded, judgemental or ignorant about this; many men have (and always will) ran a mile when I told them about my past experiences. This girl obviously feels comfortable enough around you to reveal something like this. You will never understand how she truly feels inside.. nobody will. No psychologists will ever know. However, as she goes through phases where this bothers her a lot, all you can do is be there for her and allow her to share what she wants to; the worst thing you can do (and I'm not suggesting you would by any means) is pressure her into talking about this and also into any sort of intimacy with you. If she brings it up, she may not be expecting you to have any quick fixes or anything to say on the subject. My advice would be to assure her that she is safe with you, you wont hurt her and you will be there to comfort and support her when and if she requires it. I would also advise you not to go into 'romance overdrive' - comfort her, make her feel safe around you and be gentle... but showering her with gifts and going over board will make her think you're only doing it out of pity. I wish you all the best. It's a delicate situation but if you're patient and understanding like you seem to be, as someone said, you will find middle ground and in time things will get easier.
kizik Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 As far as I could tell from a quick google search slighty over 30% of woman in the United States report sexual abuse at some point in their lives. That includes sexual abuse of a female child, rape, date rape, and other forms of molestation. I can see that being true. So can I. It's so f*cking prevalent and makes me so f*cking angry I can't even tell you. These f*ckhead guys give us all a bad name, and hurt innocent women who then go on to have issues with us, even though we were never a part of that equation. And the recovery process after a rape must be unimaginable. I don't think you ever truly get over something like that. All because of a few sick, selfish f*cks who had to get their rocks off at the expense of some poor girl.
Scottdmw Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I once again am coming before all of you to ask for your genuine advice and opinions. I never thought I would have to deal with this but I was surprised and disgusted, to discover that 1 and 3 women have been sexually abused. It makes me both extremely sick and sad. I think others have given you pretty good practical advice. I was once in the same situation too, although luckily the woman I was dating had mostly recovered and just needed a little bit of patience. I don't want to hijack the thread, but I feel like I need to say something about the 1 in 3 rape statistic. It is widely quoted but very questionable, in my opinion. The main problem with the study that originally created it and others like it are that they ignore a woman's own evaluation of whether her experience was rape or not, and list her as a victim if she answers yes to questions that are ambiguous. If you're interested, the link below discusses a lot of this: http://www.leaderu.com/real/ri9502/sommers.html I'm not trying to minimize anyone's suffering or the wrongness of rape, but no one is really served by spreading false statistics. Scott
Thomas X Forever Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Sorry, but Detective Stabler is just so freaking badass. He needed referenced. In all seriousness, yes, its truly a shame/tragedy/disgusting that this girl was raped. (Assuming she really was, and isn't just using excuses to get away from this guy). I share your anger that people out there would do this. Goes to show the percentage of sociopaths is a lot higher than current statistics show.
You'reasian Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I once again am coming before all of you to ask for your genuine advice and opinions. I never thought I would have to deal with this but I was surprised and disgusted, to discover that 1 and 3 women have been sexually abused. It makes me both extremely sick and sad. The girl I've been seeing for several weeks and I were getting intimate and before things got too crazy she abruptly stopped and asked if we could put our close back on. She uttered this almost in a panicked sort-of-way but I happily obliged. Held on to her and tried to comfort her as best as I could as she was gearing up to tell me what why she did what she did. Then she told me and what she told me hit me like a ton of bricks. I could not think of any words of comfort as she told me hesitantly "I was raped when I was 16.." I have no idea what to expect or what to do or even what to think...I have developed some fairly strong feelings for this girl and this doesnt bother me but it bothers me that I do not know what to do in this situation. She also told me that I was the third person she has ever told. She said she really didnt want to have to tell me and wasn't planning on it. Why would she include this detail? I am HOPING that someone can shed some helpful advice. I am a fish out of water right now. Sounds tough. I would be very careful and take your time with her - as she might have some unresolved issues. Tread lightly, let her know you understand where she's coming from.
Author letinmotion Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 Sounds tough. I would be very careful and take your time with her - as she might have some unresolved issues. Tread lightly' date=' let her know you understand where she's coming from.[/quote'] I think it would be incredibly innapropriate to assume that I even understand where she is coming from. First off I don't and most importantly there will never be a way for me to fully understand what she has been through. I personally would rather her not divulge any further information unless necessary. I've spent most of the day a little sick, concerned and utterly confused. I'm a guy who flat out has his stuff together and even I've been somewhat of a emotional wreck since she told me. I won't show that this has affected me so profoundly either... Last thing I want her to think is that her problem is my problem. We are not even "exclusively together" but we see each other every other day. I just hope this doesn't affect our relationship too greatly. @fack you how dare you say such an ignorant thing and what a taboo thing to say.
redhighheels Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I don't want to hijack the thread, but I feel like I need to say something about the 1 in 3 rape statistic. It is widely quoted but very questionable, in my opinion. I wouldn't rely on any statistics when it comes to sexual assault because it is very hard to estimate the real number of assaults since the large majority of them are not reported. Some argue that 1 in 3 report it, some say it's more 1 in 20..Regardless, it's obvious that the problem is an serious one, even more so because it's a hidden crime. What's truly sad is that even fewer cases make it to trail and end in a conviction. When a crime has such a low cost for the offender, it's no wonder it's going to occur more frequently. I do agree with most of you that it's a despicable crime against women, but I'd use the word "sick" sparingly. It conveys the idea that those men suffer from some sort of mental disease, and perhaps they'd be better off being treated instead of being punished, and I personally advocate for harsher sentences. Most sexual assaults are commited by husbands, bf's, friends, aquaintances anyway, and not by a random stranger who's waiting to ambush the woman when she comes home late at night. IMO, the fundamental problem is that society still continues to view the woman as at least partially responsible for her rape and that only certain women get raped. Now that is truly sad.
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