I don't know how

[Exit]

Honestly, I am at least finally reaching step 1, admitting that I have a problem. I have held on to every shred of hope and false hope, simply because I would rather have that, than except that she is gone. I would rather keep contacting her, keep getting rejected, and even somewhat entertain the idea of giving in and accepting just being friends, that accept the crushing feeling of stepping out into the world every day knowing that she is gone for good. I simply. cannot. do it. In my life I have fallen hard for some girls but never got to this stage where you look into their eyes and just know you want to marry them, where something inside you just tells you that you are going to end up together. I clearly lack the tools to let go of that. I see people coping with the loss of decades long relationships and I am completely freaking destroyed over a 1.5yr relationship.

 

I know, everyone insists NC is the key, but I have tried before, and each day I felt worse. It's pretty much NC anyway, I write to her on myspace, she has limited internet connection and sometimes can't check it for days at a time, and at this point I told her most of her negative responses were too painful to read, so she stopped replying. So we hardly have contact as is.

 

I have hung out with friends, hung out with other girls, even been physical with other girls, but the void in my soul is still there. All the typical replies will come in this thread, go NC, keep doing what you're doing, keep going to the gym, keep going out with friends. Guys, it is not helping. Every day there is at least one point where I am on the verge of tears in a public place. Thinking about her has just become the normal constant background noise throughout my day.

 

I am completely, utterly stuck. The days when I do feel good and tell myself that I'm fine end up feeling like such lies because I feel bad the next day and realize I was just trying to convince myself that I felt ok.

 

I tell myself over and over again all the bad things about her. She is an immature child who doesn't understand true emotions. She expects people to jump through hoops for her but never makes an effort herself. But I don't care. I love her and I want to fix it.

 

Love in my mind is about never giving up. Going NC and giving up doesn't feel good. Continuing to hope and suffer doesn't feel good. I am between a rock and a hard place and cannot keep feeling like this. How do I change my feelings about never giving up. I decided who I wanted to marry and I do not feel right to give up on that. I really believe that if I keep trying she would come back.

[utterer of lies]

You can start healing, or you make a joke out of yourself, make her look down upon you with pity and lose the last shred of self-respect.

[Sbrizio]

Exit, not meaning to give you directions... you're the only responsible of your life...and only you really know your situation..

 

But, i see an old myself in your words about "being sure to want to marry someone", "being sure she's the one", etc.

I had the same feelings quite long time ago for a girl. I saw her as perfect for me. I though she was the one. I fought and i never ceased to struggle to have her reciprocate my feelings. I messed up her mind (and she did 1000 times more to me ). At a point she started giving me hopes. She even stated we would be together. Then she backed off, and she crushed my hearth.

I've spent 1,5 years pining for this girl. And all this time lost (which now i know is lost), is under my responsibility. I could have enjoyed life, i could have gone out with other girls, i could have found the love of my life, but i was spending my days thinking about her.

 

And then, one day... i fell in love again. With a person not less wonderful than the previous one. And i was really in love, and happy, much more i ever was with the previous.

 

What i'm trying to say, is that, as anyone stated here thousand times... you have to be two to marry. And two to love.

You can't control your feelings, but you can control your actions.

If over a given timeframe and a given amount of tentatives, you see that no results are coming, you have to let your rational mind take the drive. You could never say that you didn't made your best. But you could regret the time lost, someday.

 

Be strong... it's what i repeat to myself every damn morning

 

PS. You're not alone. I can't forget my current ex, and i can't stop feeling love for her. I just try to keep my life as active as possible, i read/write on LS, i annoy my friends (), i have also moments of authentic fun. Do i suffer? A lot. But i have the control of my actions. Do the same!

[PinkToes]

Exit, what's the hardest thing right now -- accepting that it's over for good? The pain of interacting with her? Regret over what you feel you did wrong? Or something else?

[JMA707]

Exit, I know how you feel man. I'm basically in the same exact position you are in right now...my girl who i was with for about a year and a half ended it with me about a month ago today. She always tells me that we can't be together anytime soon or in the near future, but she doesn't really know about the distant future...which just makes it all the worse because now I wonder constantly if I will ever be with the girl I love again...

 

I've done all the things you have, probably worse...all the things i tried were out of desperation because I truly do love this girl. I was planning to ask her to marry me soon, but now I realize all I was doing was pushing her farther away from me by constantly telling her how much I loved her and how much I had changed.

 

I too have been doing my best to keep myself busy i.e. going to the gym, hanging out with friends, going out and meeting new girls, but none has worked for me either. I've even tried to get physical with a couple of girls and I just can't do it...it feels like theres a giant void in my heart or something.

 

I try my best to not think about her during the day, but it is VERY hard..also considering that she is about to be with another guy soon. they are probably actually together right now ironically... I'm so confused because I've been doing everything that everyone says will help me, make me feel better, but right now I feel about 100 times worst than when she first ended it. I've tried NC but everday seems so excruciating because I constantly wonder what she is doing and who she is with...but I already know the answer...she is with the other guy...

 

I don't know, maybe it's meant to get worst before it gets better...I wish I had some helpful advice or something man, but I really don't...The only thing I can say is that I too feel like if I just keep trying, that maybe she'll budge and want to make it work again...but now I realize that nothing we say or do can ever make them change their minds. They have to make the decision themselves to come back. I know it doesn't really help to think that...it actually kind of makes it worse...

 

I'm sorry man...i wish that I could tell you something you could do that would work like a miracle and make her come back to you...because that's what I wish for myself...for her just to come back. I just wanted to say that you aren't alone, I know what your going through because I'm going through the same exact thing right now.

[Dmoney28]

hey exit,

i really understand how you feel. Its that nagging voice, feeling and longing in the pit of your soul that tells you she was meant for you. But like most of us...all you can do is just carry this feeling until it eventually fades away. It will take a while, but just hang in there. And i know for me...im almost afraid to let go. I dont want to forget her and our life together.

 

Its sucks...and i understand when you said that even with another woman, you still have that feeling for you ex. I am currently dating a girl for about a month. And i am considering breaking up with her....because i still deeply care for my ex. im not ready for a serious relationship right now.

 

so you are not alone. Most of us carry this burden with us everyday. Like you i want to contact my ex...but i havent in about 4 months. I know you feel like if you dont contact her...she will forget you and move on...but she will do that anyway. You dont want her to feel sorry for you. We all know that women are attracted to confidence...not pitty. Just push forward..deal with this ugliness. easier said than done..i know. but this is the only choice we really have.

[Surfer Girl]

No words were better said.... How can I miss you if you don't go away.... As hard as it is going NC.... you are not even giving her a chance to miss you, want you.... and what your doing now is not working.... you will never know if she really wants you by staying in contact....

[Exit]

Exit, what's the hardest thing right now -- accepting that it's over for good? The pain of interacting with her? Regret over what you feel you did wrong? Or something else?

 

It's a combination of not accepting that this is over, and regretting what I did (and not being able to forgive myself for it). Relationships are falling apart all around me, seems like everyone is breaking up, but I was just so certain that her and I belonged together that my brain keeps insisting that we're supposed to fix this. No part of me wants to accept that it's over. And yes the regrets nag at me all day. I can only blame myself, if I had kept her happy, I would be happy right now too, because I would still have her. There was a lot of stress in my life to juggle while I was dating her, but that is not enough of an excuse for all the times I yelled at her or caused other problems. I've been pursuing her for months now, and everyone once in a while I feel like "okay, I've done enough to try to fix it, I forgive myself", but I still don't. I got myself into this mess. Everyone says I need to reach the anger stage, be angry at HER, but all I can do is be mad at myself.

 

No words were better said.... How can I miss you if you don't go away.... As hard as it is going NC.... you are not even giving her a chance to miss you, want you.... and what your doing now is not working.... you will never know if she really wants you by staying in contact....

 

Well I'd think the lack of 4 months of physical presence would still help her miss me. I know we've maintained contact, but it's hit or miss writing to each other on MySpace. It's not like I've force-fed her with interaction with me. She's had time to miss me. And if I completely go away, I just feel like I'm the one that gave up. I know what you're saying, my method hasn't worked and maybe completely disappearing from her life would make her miss me, but I have a hard time believing that.

[PinkToes]

I wish I knew what I could say that might help you cope. I know it's so, so difficult to see straight when you're in the middle of it all, and it must be really frustrating to know there's nothing you can do, on your own, to make things right.

 

I'm going to ramble off on a few things that are running through my mind, maybe something will resonate for you.

 

For one thing, regret is almost always a wasted emotion. If you see something you've done that you know you would do differently next time, you've gotten all you'll ever get out of it. Beyond the lesson and the resolve, regret has absolutely no value in your life.

 

Whatever you did that you wish you could change, please remember that you always did the best you could. You can't change the past. The only way out of that particular pain is to accept that you made a few mistakes (as we all do) and forgive yourself. You can't change it. Your choice is to either figure out how to forgive yourself, or let it continue to eat at you.

 

I know it's so easy to think "if only..." you'd done or not done something, that the result would have been different. But the thing is, there is absolutely no way to know whether anything else would have made a difference, in the end. To believe that is to believe you had all the control, and that's never true in a healthy relationship.

 

I heard a story once about a college football player who had bungled some play, and he was distraught because he said he "had lost the game for his team." And the coach reminded him that if the situation were reversed, would he assume he'd "won the game for his team?" Most people wouldn't. So you can't take all the blame unless you would also be willing to take all the credit for a different result... which I doubt.

 

As far as acceptance, I'm not one for trying to force myself (or anyone else) to accept anything that doesn't feel right. Sooner or later, it happens. We can do things to help or hinder the process, but basically everyone has their own timeline for getting there.

 

The most painful breakup I ever went through was so devastating for me, there was a time I thought it would kill me. I was absolutely certain that we belonged together forever. All the times I'd heard people say that when it's right, you just know... well I thought I knew.

 

When he left, I was devastated. I cried until my face was numb every day. And for awhile, I knew that if I tried to force myself to believe it was over for good, I would literally not be able to face another day. We had no contact, but I clung to every faint hope, I made up "signs" in my head that he would be back.

 

At the time, it's what I needed to do in order to survive. I knew I couldn't begin to heal until I could stop the bleeding, and that took time and a few mind games with myself. I did what I had to do to survive.

 

Eventually, after a long period of no contact, it got easier. My desperation faded, and I was able to accept reality. And now, many years later, I doubt I'd bother to return his call if he phoned me. But at the time, I was absolutely convinced we were destined to be together forever.

 

If it feels unbearable to imagine never having anything to do with her again, then don't. But make a deal with yourself. If the two of you are going to have a chance in the future, two things have to happen first: You need to forgive yourself and accept that you did the best you could at the time. And also, you need to put her on a mental back burner, and focus on entirely on yourself until the pain subsides.

 

If you belong together, nothing will keep you apart. You need to believe that. You have done everything you can. It's time to let go of the mental gymnastics that are preventing you from finding a sense of peace.

 

I feel for you and I do wish I could help. No one knows what the future holds, but please try to believe that you've done everything you can, for now, and try to loosen your grip on the pain. You'll get there.

[Exit]

Thanks PT, that was good. I asked her if we could talk before the end of the month because August was always a good month for us. Whether she agrees to talk or not, that's my new deadline, I will try to let go after that. I do believe we belong together and I guess I have to let life bring us together again instead of forcing it. I do want to focus on myself. I want to get in really good shape, not because I want her back because of physical attraction, but because it will represent having discipline and motivation back in my life after a long period of living like a sloth. Well I guess the way I talk about doing it for her doesn't make it sound like focusing on myself, but it is. I've wanted to get in shape for such a long time and I'm decently built but I need to take it to the next level. I'm seeing a nutritionist on Thursday so hopefully that will help.

 

I don't want to let her go completely but I don't want to be her friend. I don't know what to do. Again, it would help if she could be an adult and talk to me. But I'm expecting compassion and communication from someone who lacked that all along, so she'll probably run from my request to talk, and leave me to handle the baggage on my own.

[Beeotch]

Not going to give a "typical" response because that is one of the things I ABHOR about LS. It is a GREAT site but I swear some folks do not ever read people's posts, have no empathy or comprehension skills and like robots just spit out generic responses to EVERYONE'S queries...never stopping to actually read the specific question.

 

Anyway....

 

I know this is extremely hard. I understand how you feel but I guess the difference is that I have resigned myself to the fact that I did all I could...and I have to allow the chips to fall where they fall. Perhaps it is my spirituality that allows me to feel like, NO MATTER WHAT occurs, it will work out how it should work out and I WILL BE FINE! I guess that notion is what keeps me going.

 

I think changing your view of the situation is a BIG STEP in feeling better as the truth is...one cannot change the situation so if you can't do that, might as well change your views. Play around with different ways of viewing it that help you to feel better....I explained my views on my situation and that is what makes me feel better. I do not feel hopeless. YES I get lonely, YES I miss him, YES I wonder why, YES I get angry....but I realize they are transient feelings that do pass and it helps me to know that it really does get better and I feel very hopeful that I might be sad today but tomorrow or even in an hour I won't be....and in 5 years from now even better!

 

 

Deal with the emotions as they come...hiding them or ignoring them just makes them pop up later with more vengeance.

 

See a counselor if you really want more advice, one on one or you really cannot handle it.

[Beeotch]

I wish I knew what I could say that might help you cope. I know it's so, so difficult to see straight when you're in the middle of it all, and it must be really frustrating to know there's nothing you can do, on your own, to make things right.

 

I'm going to ramble off on a few things that are running through my mind, maybe something will resonate for you.

 

For one thing, regret is almost always a wasted emotion. If you see something you've done that you know you would do differently next time, you've gotten all you'll ever get out of it. Beyond the lesson and the resolve, regret has absolutely no value in your life.

 

Whatever you did that you wish you could change, please remember that you always did the best you could. You can't change the past. The only way out of that particular pain is to accept that you made a few mistakes (as we all do) and forgive yourself. You can't change it. Your choice is to either figure out how to forgive yourself, or let it continue to eat at you.

 

I know it's so easy to think "if only..." you'd done or not done something, that the result would have been different. But the thing is, there is absolutely no way to know whether anything else would have made a difference, in the end. To believe that is to believe you had all the control, and that's never true in a healthy relationship.

 

I heard a story once about a college football player who had bungled some play, and he was distraught because he said he "had lost the game for his team." And the coach reminded him that if the situation were reversed, would he assume he'd "won the game for his team?" Most people wouldn't. So you can't take all the blame unless you would also be willing to take all the credit for a different result... which I doubt.

 

As far as acceptance, I'm not one for trying to force myself (or anyone else) to accept anything that doesn't feel right. Sooner or later, it happens. We can do things to help or hinder the process, but basically everyone has their own timeline for getting there.

 

The most painful breakup I ever went through was so devastating for me, there was a time I thought it would kill me. I was absolutely certain that we belonged together forever. All the times I'd heard people say that when it's right, you just know... well I thought I knew.

 

When he left, I was devastated. I cried until my face was numb every day. And for awhile, I knew that if I tried to force myself to believe it was over for good, I would literally not be able to face another day. We had no contact, but I clung to every faint hope, I made up "signs" in my head that he would be back.

 

At the time, it's what I needed to do in order to survive. I knew I couldn't begin to heal until I could stop the bleeding, and that took time and a few mind games with myself. I did what I had to do to survive.

 

Eventually, after a long period of no contact, it got easier. My desperation faded, and I was able to accept reality. And now, many years later, I doubt I'd bother to return his call if he phoned me. But at the time, I was absolutely convinced we were destined to be together forever.

 

If it feels unbearable to imagine never having anything to do with her again, then don't. But make a deal with yourself. If the two of you are going to have a chance in the future, two things have to happen first: You need to forgive yourself and accept that you did the best you could at the time. And also, you need to put her on a mental back burner, and focus on entirely on yourself until the pain subsides.

 

If you belong together, nothing will keep you apart. You need to believe that. You have done everything you can. It's time to let go of the mental gymnastics that are preventing you from finding a sense of peace.

 

I feel for you and I do wish I could help. No one knows what the future holds, but please try to believe that you've done everything you can, for now, and try to loosen your grip on the pain. You'll get there.

 

 

Excellent post...I agree.

[Beeotch]

Thanks PT, that was good. I asked her if we could talk before the end of the month because August was always a good month for us. Whether she agrees to talk or not, that's my new deadline, I will try to let go after that. I do believe we belong together and I guess I have to let life bring us together again instead of forcing it. I do want to focus on myself. I want to get in really good shape, not because I want her back because of physical attraction, but because it will represent having discipline and motivation back in my life after a long period of living like a sloth. Well I guess the way I talk about doing it for her doesn't make it sound like focusing on myself, but it is. I've wanted to get in shape for such a long time and I'm decently built but I need to take it to the next level. I'm seeing a nutritionist on Thursday so hopefully that will help.

 

I don't want to let her go completely but I don't want to be her friend. I don't know what to do. Again, it would help if she could be an adult and talk to me. But I'm expecting compassion and communication from someone who lacked that all along, so she'll probably run from my request to talk, and leave me to handle the baggage on my own.

 

And knowing this....it should also help you to realize that you probably miss being in a relationship and not HER specifically because sometimes I think we confuse loneliness or missing companionship with actually that particular person being right for us.

 

You admit she doesn't lack KEY things that a successful and fulfilling relationship needs and you admit she NEVER had it to begin with....so this is perhaps a blessing in disguise before you went down the aisle or got deeper.

 

You can now up the ante and strive for a relationship with someone who fits the bill more.

 

I tell myself that the TRUTH is: my ex is not the be all and end all of men. He has A LOT of traits I did not appreciate. Yes I think he can change them but that would be HIS decision and not my own therefore I CANNOT put my eggs in his basket pretending everything was great or hoping for a change that in reality MAY or MAY NEVER occur.

 

Don't view it as OMG the best thing on earth left you....if you KNOW their faults (like you know hers...and those are HUGE ones)...then you should take comfort in the fact that there IS better out there and you had a broken item that was not that great. Might sound bad...but it helps. I guess this is the same notion as removing these people from off a very fake pedestal that they are on and stop viewing it as if we lost the best thing ever created....heck....I KNOW I am a lot better for my ex than he is for me. I helped and enhanced his life more than he did mine and he told me so....therefore I view it as HIS LOSS and not really mine in truth. When I feel sad...I try to remember that.

 

 

I think sometimes we miss being wanted...we hate the fact that they do not want us or seem not to want us...we hate not being a part of a couple anymore BUT if we were on the outside shopping for a relationship and saw the problems our exes came with...we would perhaps pass them by! Knowing what I know now....if I was removed (didn't have any feelings for my ex) and was just told his problems, issues, behavior etc. I WOULD NEVER date him....so I know that my emotions/feelings have a lot to do with how I feel and sometimes they can't be trusted.

 

I just tell myself he is NOT the best thing since and what is BEST for me....God, the universe, life will make sure it unfolds and whatever the outcome it will be one that is RIGHT for me.

[Exit]

I think changing your view of the situation is a BIG STEP in feeling better as the truth is...one cannot change the situation so if you can't do that, might as well change your views. Play around with different ways of viewing it that help you to feel better....

 

Yeah, I have tried this. Every once in a while I am able to wrangle my thoughts into a better position. I realize the past is the past and yes I messed up, but I take comfort in the fact that I know I would do ANYTHING to fix this, and that I have tried my best, and all she would have needed to do was talk to me about how she felt and we could have fixed it. When I force these thoughts into my head, I feel better for about 5 minutes, but then something else will sneak back into my mind and make me feel terrible again.

 

Don't view it as OMG the best thing on earth left you....if you KNOW their faults (like you know hers...and those are HUGE ones)...then you should take comfort in the fact that there IS better out there and you had a broken item that was not that great. Might sound bad...but it helps. I guess this is the same notion as removing these people from off a very fake pedestal that they are on and stop viewing it as if we lost the best thing ever created....heck....I KNOW I am a lot better for my ex than he is for me. I helped and enhanced his life more than he did mine and he told me so....therefore I view it as HIS LOSS and not really mine in truth. When I feel sad...I try to remember that.

 

I think sometimes we miss being wanted...we hate the fact that they do not want us or seem not to want us...we hate not being a part of a couple anymore BUT if we were on the outside shopping for a relationship and saw the problems our exes came with...we would perhaps pass them by! Knowing what I know now....if I was removed (didn't have any feelings for my ex) and was just told his problems, issues, behavior etc. I WOULD NEVER date him....so I know that my emotions/feelings have a lot to do with how I feel and sometimes they can't be trusted.

 

Yeah, I have spent a lot of time realizing her faults. I was talking to my friend about it last night. Unfortunately my response to that is "I love her even with her faults". I wouldn't take it so far as to say I just miss companionship period, because I have spent time with other girls and it hasn't made me feel better, so it's not that I just want somebody next to me. But I agree with the rest of what you said. I certainly enriched her life more than she did for me. She certainly does have some bad traits, but still at this point, I feel like if I had been a better person, maybe she would have been too. See... every time I get a little bit of momentum and start feeling better or start feeling like she deserves some of the blame, I just find a way to remind myself that it's really my fault. She can't communicate, can't fix problems like an adult, but it's my fault that many of the problems existed in the first place, so who do I blame.