Bella Jordan Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 My exbf and I broke up about 2 months ago - it was a mutual decision. We'd been working towards changing jobs and moving for months. Eight months in, he said he wanted a break because he said he felt like "we" needed to work on ourselves before we could move forward together - he had financial issues, etc. I gave him time to himself, but when I tried to talk to him to find out what was going on with him and to let him know that the mixed signals he'd been sending were confusing and hurting me, he got angry and ordered me out of the apartment. I said I wouldn't be yelled at and that I wouldn't beg him to be with me - either he loved me and wanted to work things out or he didn't. End of story. He said he just needed to be single. I told him I agreed, that he wasn't ready to commit to a real relationship and that I was moving on with my life with or without him. I ran into him at the bar where he works last week. I'd been avoiding the place altogether since we broke up, but a friend's birthday party drew me there. He came over to talk to me when he saw me walk in, but he seemed really uncomfortable and awkward, almost nervous. When a mutual male friend of ours (who he is only friends with through me and who is a known womanizer) sat down by me, he stared even more. After making my drink, my ex came over to ask me if I liked it because he'd made it "extra special." He seemed almost flirtatious. However, when I went to leave (and our friend walked out with me) I got a really hateful text from my ex, accusing me of trash talking him and his new girlfriend while I was at the bar. I have no idea where this came from. (He started dating an 18 year old about a month ago - they're even living together. Everyone knows he's being ridiculous and that it will never last. But that's his business, not mine.) Basically, he told me that he was fed up with people talking badly about them. I saw him again when I was out 2 nights ago, when he cornered our mutual friend to tell him that it was mad inappropriate for him to be pursuing/dating me. He explained that we were just friends, have been for years and that there's nothing going on. The worst part is that he left his girlfriend outside in a running car to come back into the restaurant to confront my friend about me. The conversation was overheard by several mutual friends. Here's what I don't get - why does he care? Why does he care about a) what I may/may not be saying about him, and b) why does he care who I date. And more importantly, why did he call me twice after I left the bar and told him I refused to have a text message argument with him and then, when I didn't answer, call our/my friend, who he thought I'd left with and thought i was dating. If he's so incandescently happy with his new girlfriend, why does he still seem to always find a reason to text me (re: phone bill, my birthday, to say it was good seeing me, etc) and to ask our mutual friends what, if anything, I've been saying about him. To me, this doesn't sound like somebody who's over their ex. Thoughts?
TaraMaiden Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Well, come on.... read your own post from a 'stranger' dispassionate position... like it wasn't written by you personally. Now what do you think? It's not so much that he's not over you. It's more that he thinks he still has rights over you. I perceive (though blast me down and tell me I'm jumping to conclusions if you wish) that he may have control/personality issues. Someone sent me a link about Emotional IQ.... and that some people go off the scale they are so-o-o-o-o-o not with the programme..... I'd recommend doing a search, but he's jealous, possessive and inasmuch as he might be 'over you' as a girlfriend, he clearly feels in himself that he still has the right to have some influence over you. Unhealthy... And I feel sorry for the young lady in his life. That's grossly unfair on her.... What must she be feeling?
DustySaltus Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 She's 18, what does she know about financial issues and life in general? He moved in with this new girl 2 months after you broke up and as tara said he still feels like he has "rights" over you. Come on, "text arguments"? I know that you feel sorry for his struggles right now but I honestly don't think he knows what he wants. Do you even want him back at this point, he seems like a rollercoaster with a ticking time bomb on it.
amore21 Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I think another question though, is why do you care that he cares? Are u fully over him? Or is it that this is just irritating and not what you needed? As a guy i'd say he perhaps wanted 'freedom' (couldn't think of a more appropriate word) but most certainly cannot get over you fully, hence perhaps getting together with someone so soon afterwards, someone quite dissimilar to you and caring / worrying what people are saying about them. If this 'other' relationship was anything other than a front, then he'd be so wrapped up in it he'd not care about anyone's opinion, in my opinion...
Author Bella Jordan Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 I perceive (though blast me down and tell me I'm jumping to conclusions if you wish) that he may have control/personality issues. Early on in the relationship, I actually began to suspect that he may suffer from some combination of Narcissistic/Borderline personality disorder. He kept saying and doing things that seemed so strange to me and that went beyond simple immaturity. After a little internet research, I stumbled upon a BPD forum where I read accounts of experiences that were virtually identical to my own. I also know that he experienced a traumatic childhood characterized by both physical and emotional abuse. And from what I can gather, none of his previous relationships were in any way stable or healthy. He told me on multiple occasions that our relationship was by far the most adult and functional he'd ever been in. I, too, feel bad for the girl he is now dating. She's so young and naive and has this look of wide-eyed admiration for him. I know all too well that this is exactly what he needs, for anyone any older and wiser would have him figured out by now and would not tolerate his behavior. And while I have no desire for any sort of reconciliation, I do still care for him and worry about his recent self-destructive behavior (excessive drinking, tardiness and absence from work, and even rumored drug abuse). I was forced to go no contact in the immediate aftermath of the break up because he was texting me and, when I didn't respond, he would call and leave hostile voicemails wanting to know why I was ignoring him and insisting that I had no right to treat him that way. It was beyond bizarre. Mutual friends have since told me that he has broken down to them on multiple occasions in tears, claiming that he still "loves" me but that he feels that he just can't give me what I need right now. And there is truth in this - I have waited for some time for him to get his life together and, well, grow up. In fact, I have turned down great job offers in other towns while I was waiting. He went out and bought a car he couldn't afford, which strapped him financially. And when push came to shove, all our plans to move became action on my part and mere words on his.
Author Bella Jordan Posted August 27, 2009 Author Posted August 27, 2009 I don't want him back. But I DO still care for him and worry about him. I know that he's been drinking heavily since we broke up and has even dabbled in drugs. He's been late to work, sometimes not showing up at all. Apparently he got really intoxicated one night and punched a wall, hurting his hand. It's almost like he's in some manic episode and he can't/won't snap out. He's furious because everyone is talking badly about him for dating a teenager. Which, with all due respect, what does he expect? He's a 25-year-old man. It's inappropriate, and it seems to be obvious to everyone except him that he's using her as a crutch to get over our break up. He's had a difficult life and I don't mean to try to use that as some excuse for his behavior. But just because you realize you don't want to spend your life with them doesn't mean you suddenly stop caring. I'm also concerned because I will be forced to see him tomorrow at a mutual friend's birthday party. I hesitate to speak to him as I suspect he is still angry over my alleged "bad mouthing" of him and his girlfriend. I've since been forced to block him on Facebook as well (he was posting picture after picture of them together, updating his status to say how "happy" and "amazing" they are, etc. I refuse to play his mind games.). So there is always the chance that we won't be forced to interact at all outside of eye contact. I just have to decide whether I want to broach the subject of his destructive behavior or not. Or, equally important, if I want to try to talk to him to get some sort of closure and create a situation where we can at least meet as kind and civil acquaintances. Thoughts??
TaraMaiden Posted August 27, 2009 Posted August 27, 2009 Yes. Listen up and listen carefully: Caring as you are, he is not your responsibility, and his behaviour is not your fault. These are choices he is making. He is a damaged, volatile, screwed-up individual and you are far better off without him. He sounds as if he needs professional help. Help you are probably in no way trained, nor equipped to give him, and as an ex- that's not your call, and never should be. However: Somebody (clearly NOT you!) should attempt to take little miss innocent aside and warn her that this guy is close to being unhinged, and that really, she should consider steering well clear of him. But if she refuses to listen, or claims she can handle it, because she loves him/he loves her - then she too, is making her own decisions. But you have no part in this. Nobody - especially him - can lay this at your feet. He's a self-made man, and if his finger is on the self-destruct button, in spite of all the counsel, support and advice he's getting - then, so be it. Keep well away. Do not speak to him, do not connect with him do not try to communicate with him and above all, do NOT try to gain closure. From this guy?? Are you kidding? It will turn into a very uncomfortable confrontation. This is a friend's birthday party you're talking about. Be fair..... Push him off your radar, and leave him there, and create your own closure. It's over. leave it at that. And with a clear conscience.
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