Karmababe Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Hi, I'm currently in the process of ending an emotional attachment which I believe contributed to my filing for divorce. My marriage would have ended anyway I believe as I felt emotionally abandoned in the marriage. I met the other party and now know that he is married and I cannot pursue the relationship. I ended the relationship via e-mail on Sunday. I last spoke to him last Thursday .. just need some support in keeping strong and not succumbing to the BS that will inevitable ensue. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!
PinkToes Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Hey Karmababe, Consider yourself supported. :-) Emotional attachments can be the hardest to break away from because they're often total fantasy; you didn't have the chance for a long-term relationship with ups & downs and both good and bad. So what you're trying to break away from is the dream as much as the reality. And that's tough! The best thing you can do now is try really hard to maintain no contact, one day or one hour at a time, and know that the longer you can do that, the further from the pain you will be. Tell him you'd be happy to consider being with him -- if you're available -- if and when he's divorced. Not separated, not thinking about it. Divorced. That's the price; that's what you're worth. You know this, and he should too. You deserve more than half a relationship. And yes, if he'd do it with you, he'd do it to you, so he really isn't much of a prize. But I know it hurts; I've been there too. Just remember: You can't get relief from the pain from the source of your pain. And stay strong. You'll get there!
TaraMaiden Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Hi, I'm currently in the process of ending an emotional attachment Interesting choice of words.... "Currently in the process of"..... or "I have completely ended"....? You can't be in the process of ending it, if you have ended it. It's either one or the other. It's called 'making a clean break', and it has to be done swiftly, finally and with no prevarication. which I believe contributed to my filing for divorce. Actually, it sounds like you know it did. The problem is, this wasn't a justifiable cause. This was a symptom of an already-existent unhappiness or malaise. Your marriage was already in trouble. This just helped put the kybosh on it..... My marriage would have ended anyway I believe as I felt emotionally abandoned in the marriage. Then why didn't you end it 'anyway' without resorting to this, I wonder? I met the other party and now know that he is married and I cannot pursue the relationship. Good thinking, well done. I ended the relationship via e-mail on Sunday. Not good thinking. Seems it would have been kinder to do it face to face. Wouldn't you say this was a bit of emotional abandonment, to make him find out for sure, in writing? It might have been kinder to meet him one last time, in a public place (neutral territory) and told him that way.....IMO.... I last spoke to him last Thursday .. just need some support in keeping strong and not succumbing to the BS that will inevitable ensue. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks! Establish complete No Contact for his sake. Erase and delete and FORGET all traces of him, and make yourself completely unavailable. Physically AND emotionally. he's now got his own issues to deal with. A married man looking for a relationship outside his marriage..... the wheels keep turning, don't they? perpetuating ruts..... "KARMAbabe"....?? Don't get me started......
PinkToes Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I may have misinterpreted these words, but I took the phrase, "in the process of ending an emotional attachment" to mean she was separating emotionally from someone she has feelings for -- not in the process of ending an actual relationship. Ending contact is usually a final quick & dirty step, but separating emotionally is always a process. Of course, I could be totally missing the plot.
Author Karmababe Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 Hi, Thanks for your support. I have maintained no contact again today. He has not written or called. It would have been impossible for me to tell him face to face as he lives a distance from me. I feel lied to, betrayed and angry. I thought I had developed strong feeling for this person, told him my innermost thoughts and feelings and he reeled me in. I feel embarrassed to admit that I must have been that emotionally needy at the time of start of the relationship.\ On the other side, I've lost a very good friend - and as I told him, people who lie to me I can't consider friends - plus, the line had been crossed with romantic thoughts and gestures - and I thought it smarter to cut the whole thing off. I know it will be one day at a time - but, this is the healthiest option for me - and I know that in my head. My heart is another story! Thanks!
TaraMaiden Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Hi, Thanks for your support. I have maintained no contact again today. He has not written or called. It would have been impossible for me to tell him face to face as he lives a distance from me. Ok, well, that's fair enough.... I guess best this way if no other way.... I feel lied to, betrayed and angry. I thought I had developed strong feeling for this person, told him my innermost thoughts and feelings and he reeled me in. I feel embarrassed to admit that I must have been that emotionally needy at the time of start of the relationship. Well....hang on though....I'm sure you'll see the slight hypocrisy in this, if I may say so.... after all, you are also guilty of having betrayed your husband. It little matters that you believe the marriage would have ended anyway. I feel perhaps that if you believe that, it would have been better for you to abstain from creating more complications for yourself in the interim period, in getting involved with anyone else - let alone a married man. And the fact that this was a latent discovery does not exonerate you from your own actions. Does your (ex)husband know you had an affair? On the other side, I've lost a very good friend - and as I told him, people who lie to me I can't consider friends - plus, the line had been crossed with romantic thoughts and gestures - and I thought it smarter to cut the whole thing off. Better late than never. Though never might in hindsight have been better than late.... I know it will be one day at a time - but, this is the healthiest option for me - and I know that in my head. My heart is another story! Thanks! At the risk of being pedantic (and I am, I soooo am!) your heart and head are in the same place..... mentally generated. Just think yourself through the healing process. Refuse to entertain negative or derogatory thoughts, that grow, amoeba-like, by multiplying and dividing, until your head is full of cotton-wool-crap. The minute you catch yourself self-sabotaging, halt it in its tracks. And move in a different direction. One that carries you forward, not keeps you stuck, or holds you back. Good luck.
Surfer Girl Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 You did this for a reason... never forget that.... you knew in your heart and soul you had to do this for you.... You took a very hard step to end it.... because you knew it was not right for you.... as hard as it is don't ever forget why you knew it had to end....
You'reasian Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Hi, I'm currently in the process of ending an emotional attachment which I believe contributed to my filing for divorce. My marriage would have ended anyway I believe as I felt emotionally abandoned in the marriage. I met the other party and now know that he is married and I cannot pursue the relationship. I ended the relationship via e-mail on Sunday. I last spoke to him last Thursday .. just need some support in keeping strong and not succumbing to the BS that will inevitable ensue. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks! How long was this guy married?
CM2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 I doubt but I hope your my wife starting this post....lol:p
Author Karmababe Posted August 26, 2009 Author Posted August 26, 2009 I was married 26 years .. I think this guy has been married the same amount of time. Yes, I feel guilty about it - yet know that the issues in the marriage were not able to be resolved. The EA began for a reason. I never want to fall into this trap again - I'm more than willing to accept the responsibiity for my role in this - the ex knows nothing about it. The concern I have for my healing process is why did I let yet another person into my life who would treat me badly? I can say the man talked a big game and I bought it. I'll be much more careful in the future and allow myself the time to heal from the loss of my marriage and now this.
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