rippedup Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 About a year ago, my wife and I reconciled after a year's separation. Things have been going pretty well, though I still sense an uncertainty in her. But that's not why I'm writing. My frustration is that she has little to no interest in seeing the "couples" friends we had before our separation. There are four couples in particular that we used to see a lot of, and now, based on what she perceives to be the "lack of support" during our separation the women in those marriages showed her, she believes they effectively abandoned her in her time of need. She did hear of one woman openly trashing her, so I sort of get that one. But in her mind the other women didn't do enough to find out why she was leaving me, show her enough emotional support while we were separated, and in some cases just kind of sat on the sidelines not wanting to "take sides." So, she has essentially signed them off, as she views their actions to be an affront to her. This is extremely frustrating for me, because we knew these people for years, and I really enjoyed their friendship, and I miss it. But whenever I raise the idea of getting together with any of them, she expresses no interest. Moreover, she has had a history of leaving friendships behind in a snap, where to me you are a friend for life. At the same time, she has made a new group of friends surrounding a music organization she sings with -- and I know them only peripherally. But these are the people she wants to spend time with now. Has anyone dealt with something like this? Any advice would be appreciated. In a similar vein, does anyone have experience with how friends dealt with their separation/divorce? Did they act differently toward you? I'm trying to find some "ammunition" for trying to make the point with her that people just don't act normally during such situations, and you can't judge them so harshly just because you feel they didn't act exactly the way you think they should have. Thanks to anyone for any advice in this arena...
Vet Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 You need to look at your reconciliation as a new beginning. The dynamics of your old marriage to her obviously didn't work, as they ended up with you being separated, so why try to drag in elements from it? If you're serious about reconciling with her, then she is the most important thing in your life; not these people. Save your wife. Make new friends.
Snowflower Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I agree with what Vet posted here 110%. Your old marriage and life before your separation is effectively dead. I understand about wanting to keep your old friends but your wife doesn't feel the same way. Whether it is right or wrong as you see it, this is how she feels and you must respect that. A year separation is a long time and very likely your wife went through a lot of changes and realizations during that time. Perhaps these friends remind her of a time in her life that was very difficult, perhaps your wife is exactly right when she says they were not as supportive as your wife needed them to be, etc. Whatever her reasons, please respect her wishes. Your marriage absolutely must take first priority, even above long-standing friendships. Respect your wife's wishes about these friendships and perhaps in time she will come around. In the meantime, have a discussion with your wife about you maintaining these friendships by yourself, doing things on an individual basis with these friends, etc.
Gamine Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 How do you define friend? How does she define friend? Do you see a friend as someone who stays by you in a time of need without judgment? Does she? If she does and these acquaintances may have not lived up to her heartfelt idea of 'friend' and perhaps they affirmatively violated the friendship ... In which case, you shouldn't ask her to be friends with people who she does not like or respect... or who she feels betrayed her. That would be damaging to her and perhaps to your relationship. If they did her wrong, I wonder why you'd want to hang out with them anyway.
Author rippedup Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 Thank you all for your input. I sense a trend here! And I appreciate the perspective. I guess I have had difficulty accepting why she feels they betrayed her, because I think she tends to judge harshly. But, at the same time, just as in love, you can't make someone feel a certain way. You can't make someone be a friend to someone they don't choose to. I think the point made about these friendships reminding her of a time that she wants to move past is right on the ball, too. She is wanting a "new life" if you will, and the most important thing for me should be that it IS with me. We have other friends who don't fall in the same category, so I think I need to perhaps try to focus more on those friends, and not so much the friends of our "previous life." BTW, she doesn't have a problem with me being friends with them, and has even said she may come around in time. But, I know it will never quite be the same, and I guess I just have to accept that. Doesn't mean I am going to abandon them as friends, but again, it will just likely be different. Thanks to all of you for your great insights. It was really, really helpful. This is a great forum!
fhaye Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 Reconciliation is a positive way of letting go the past and make a new beginning. It shows that you are loved and always been loved by her. And that is a priceless possession that you can have. Hope you could make her happy with this new chapter in your life. It is more better to be in a marriage therapist to know more each other well and be a better partner. click here to learn more on choosing a marriage therapist.
Woggle Posted August 26, 2009 Posted August 26, 2009 I don't have high hopes for this reconciliation. She is still in victim mode where she sees herself as the wrong party. Right now she is turning her resentment towards these friends but soon she will turn that resentment on you. She is not the same woman you used to know and this right here is one of many examples.
Recommended Posts