tom182 Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Hi everyone, Am having a bit of a tough time at the moment, so thought i'd register on here and see if anyone can offer some advice. So, here is my story. I've been seeing a girl for a few weeks now, having been single for about 8 months. I was single for about 4 years prior to that having lost my first ever girlfriend to Leukaemia after going out with her for 5 years. The girl i've just started seeing is incredible - she's been a friend for a long time, and we've always had feelings for each other, and it just feels completely right, and fantastic. We went away for a long weekend last week, and it was beautiful, really perfect. So, whats my problem I hear you asking?? Well this weekend I was out with friends, and got very very drunk. I wasn't seeing this girl becuase she flew out to go on holiday with her mum. So, in my drunken state, I decided to send a text to this girl at half 3 in the morning. I think I wanted to speak to her before she went away for the week. Having not had a reply from her (not surprising seeing as it was half 3) I got really upset, and convinced myself it was all over. So I wake up on sunday with a) a killer hangover and b) a million thoughts running through my head about what had happened. I checked my sent messages, and there was nothing bad sent at all. They were literally "have a good holiday", "will miss you", that kind of stuff. So, how is it possible that when I saw this girl last wednesday, everything was great - she even sent me a text saturday evening saying she'd see me next week, and yet I still have somehow convinced myself that its all bad, and that i've somehow screwed everything up. I've really confused myself with this one. I'm thinking there is still some insecurity there from my 1st girlfriend dieing, and have put up some barriers in my head to stop myself getting hurt? If anyone has any thoughts, please let me know. Sorry this is such a long post, but I think i'm helping myself by just writing it down. Thanks for reading this, and I would really value any opinions or advice. Tom x
seoa Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Well this weekend I was out with friends, and got very very drunk. So, in my drunken state, I decided to send a text to this girl at half 3 in the morning. Having not had a reply from her (not surprising seeing as it was half 3) I got really upset, and convinced myself it was all over. I checked my sent messages, and there was nothing bad sent at all. They were literally "have a good holiday", "will miss you", that kind of stuff. so, while drunk, you had some over-exaggerated thoughts & emotions (it happens!) and yet didn't act on them (how sane /mature /impressive)... i'm not sure what lesson you need to learn from this, other than drunk-texting is generally a bad idea what other things make you think this is a bigger problem than it's sounding...? and yes, as a general thing, i'd be surprised if you didn't encounter some issues in your first serious relationship since your girlfriend's death... i'd say while you're aware of them, you'll probably be able to deal with them, and don't be afraid to get a little therapy (books and/or actual therapist) if it's starting to sabotage the relationship... i'm assuming you've 'dealt' with your grieving some time in the last 4 years...?
quankanne Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 sounds like although you really dig this chick and want to be with her, your subconscious is convinced that you're going to lose her the way you did your former girlfriend. And I think that's a normal reaction when a relationship is ended by death ... you worry about lightning striking twice. And so you react this way out of fear. at which point, you really can't ask for guarantees that this won't happen again, just trust in the future with her. Meaning, try to look past that fear and focus on the present, with this fantastic gal. I'm sorry for your loss, kiddo ...
Author tom182 Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 i'm not sure what lesson you need to learn from this, other than drunk-texting is generally a bad idea what other things make you think this is a bigger problem than it's sounding...? Hi seoa. I think what is doing my head in is how I can build such an irrational situation out of nothing. Honestly, the way i've been feeling the last 2 days is like i've been dumped, and I kept thinking i'd done something to end it all. I think I just frightened myself a bit with how quickly I flipped this all round in my head. But you are totally right, the number 1 lesson is texting while drunk only EVER ends up in trouble!! at which point, you really can't ask for guarantees that this won't happen again, just trust in the future with her. Meaning, try to look past that fear and focus on the present, with this fantastic gal. Thanks quankanne, your totally right. Focus on the present, let the future look after itself. I'm sorry for your loss, kiddo ... Thanks so much, **** happens I guess....
seoa Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 ...i've been feeling the last 2 days is like i've been dumped, and I kept thinking i'd done something to end it all. ah, i see... you're still thinking those thoughts days later - hadn't picked that up... yes, sounds like you have some fear around the loss of this relationship... it also sounds like you've dealt with it quite rationally (you don't mention bombarding your gf with requests for reassurance through the last coupla days, and you're on here looking for advice /a sounding board)... i really think that that's all you can do... btw, you didn't answer about how well /thoroughly you believe you've processed your grief at your bereavement...
Author tom182 Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 Thanks - thats very encouraging to hear that you think i'm being rational. Well, I did my best with processing my grief. I went through a stage of quite intense depression, and was on anti depressants for about 6 months (and i've never felt so ill in all my life, and coming off them was one of the hardest things i've ever ever done). I also self harmed a couple of times within the first couple of months of her death. So at that stage I guess I wasn't dealing with it very well! However, the anti depressants certainly did their job, and I had a few months of councelling, which was honestly the most life changing experience. That really turned me around. After that time has been my greatest healer. Time, and good friends, and great family. I got into running, and have completed a few marathons in the last 3 years. I moved out of my parents house and bought myself a flat, so I honestly do believe that I am in a place where I can move on and be with someone else. But I guess time will only tell.....
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