utoh Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I think my wife has had several affairs. Some physical and others emotional or both. We have been married over 20 years from a very young age. She is a dominant woman and has successfully controlled me since I said I do. We have no children. In the past she would constantly grill me about women at work to the point where I dreaded coming home, or her coming home. I'm no angel (drink too much) but I have a look and no touch policy. And not put myself into situations that look suspcious. We used to go camping alot. Midnight wasn't her bedtime and she would leave me to go out until all hours of the morning. I asked to her to stop but she was "helping" a friend of ours who was going through a divorce. Something is not right when your wife is drinking in some other man's camper until 4:30 in the morning. This was some 13 years ago when I finally decided to pull the plug on our camping trips. In the meantime, we have befriended my sister's ex husband. This man was my best friend for a long time. Until I found out three months after it happened, that they had talked 4 hours late night about me, my drinking, and he "could take her places". This guy constantly compliments her in a disrespectful way. "she's got some big ole boobies" Once while filming her tubing behind the boat he mentioned to me that he got a cootchie shot. I asked her point blank after she finally told me if she has cheated with on him with me (she looked like bill clinton after they asked him about the cigar in his deposition) And went on to say she doesn't find people in his race attractive. Even though she has said several times many times "(insert name) is one goooood looking (race) guy" Three days later she decides to expound on me asking her if she was cheating. That seemed odd, she had settled it in my head. This guy, acording to my wife, was down in the dumps and possibly suicidal. So I decide to give him a call about a week ago. My wife seemed uptight I was going to check on our suicidal friend. She got the number off of her cell phone, I called on mine and there was no answer. I asked to see her phone for a moment, and when I pocketed it she tried on no more than three occasions to physically remove it from me. I even made it a point to get together that evening with someone she really dislikes and she tagged along. I never checked the phone because I figured I would just look up stuff from the account online. Well I checked the next morning and found that at some god aweful hour she checked her voicemails. I confronted her the next day and she did the bill clinton times two and initially said she didn't check her mail. Then she said that she was re-checking a voicemail from 5 days ago. (from another guy I suspect of at least an EA) She brought up that someone was leaving her work and they were having drinks the next night. All girls! These two have been alone together in my house while I was sleeping (or passed out) The last time he was here she volunteered afterwards that once they ran out of booze, they took vicodin.
Author utoh Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 looks like a polygraph is out of the question too. i asked her if i could shut down her computer here at home for the night and take a look at it in the morning. she handed me her cell phone. and called my sister a liar. will not agree on a lock down of her personal digital stuff when she has access to mine.
TaraMaiden Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 ...SO....?? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS? I realise we're just a sounding board, but if you're not seeking opinion or counsel, presumably, you therefore have a concrete plan, or are hatching one?
seibert253 Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Ray Charles can see your wife cheating and lying to you. IMO she doesn't sound trustworthy at all. You need to man up and stop letting her run the show. No more calls to her "friend", no more running out late nights. Nothing. You need to tell her you know she's lying, you know she's involved in an affair, and it either stops and she works on fixing the marriage, or she's out the door. Plain and simple, no if's, and's, or but's about it. If she doesn't stop, she needs to come home after one of her "trips", and find her stuff on the front yard, and the locks changed. If you don't want to stand up for yourself and be prepared to walk away from all of this, then repeat after me; I'm a cuckold.
Author utoh Posted August 25, 2009 Author Posted August 25, 2009 ...SO....?? WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS? I realise we're just a sounding board, but if you're not seeking opinion or counsel, presumably, you therefore have a concrete plan, or are hatching one? I AM seeking opinion and counsel.
TaraMaiden Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 Well, in that case, you know what you have to do, really. And if you were in any doubt, I think seibert's spelled it out to you in no uncertain terms.... You either have to call a halt, or keep being the placemat. not door mat. She's got you picking up the crumbs, in this case.... Good luck!
Chrome Barracuda Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 This has been a toxic mariage with you getting the short end of the stick for a long time if this is neccessarily true. If you dont have no kids why are you staying with her? Why are you allowing her to control you and have your life ruined like this??? I have to ask because when you look at it objectively isnt your freedom worth your self respect kwim? I mean I would have bounced the first sign of trouble, but you have so many damn red flags right now. Why do you want to be married to her?
Owl Posted August 25, 2009 Posted August 25, 2009 So the question remains...what do you want to happen here? Do you want her to be honest with you about her affair(s)? Not very likely at all, unless the pain of telling you the truth is LESS than the pain of some other likely outcome...such as divorce. Otherwise, she's going to continue to lie to you. You need to INSIST on changes...stop asking her what she can or will do...start INSISTING to her what YOU REQUIRE FROM HER in order to maintain the marriage/relationship with her. Point blank, up front. It sounds like she's got all the power in this relationship...and that's a huge part of what enabled her to conduct her affair(s) to begin with. I would caution you with this tho...from what I've seen, serial cheaters pretty much never stop cheating. I don't buy the "once a cheater always a cheater" concept...but I DO believe the "twice a cheater, always a cheater" idea. You're seeing what her character is really like. What her morals and values really are. These weren't 'accidents'...weren't 'mistakes'. Multiple affairs are typically signs of her character/morals/values. In other words...she's a serial cheater...she's not CAPABLE of monogamy. Knowing that...what do you want to do? Accept her cheating, or end the relationship? You can give her the chance...by INSISTING on changes, with the threat of ending the marriage if she doens't change. But your odds of success are very, very low with someone who's done this many times. Personally, I'd suggest you take your marbles and find someone else to play with.
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