opaque Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I want/need to break up with my boyfriend, and would like any suggestions on the best way to go about doing this so as to minimize hurt feelings. If you were going to be broken up with, would you rather have the breakup preceded by a period of fighting or distancing, where things will obviously seem to be going downhill.. or, alternatively, a sudden, direct breakup, which will seem to have come out of the blue. Right now, there appear to be no problems in the relationship.. and we've been getting along very well. We've only been together for three months, but it has gotten quite serious.. we're together 3 or 4 days/nights a week, he talks about us being together for a long time in the future, and says that he would be devastated if I ever left him. In the time that we've been together, I've changed/grown in such a way that I cannot see him as someone with whom I would want a future. He has been amazing and has not done anything "wrong" to precipitate this breakup, so it will probably come as quite a surprise. I need help minimizing the shock/hurt.. is there any way to do this? Also, I need help figuring out the best time to do this; he leaves in a week for a very-long-awaited vacation abroad, and I don't want to spoil his time there in any way. On the other hand, I don't want either of us to be living a lie until he returns. And, when I go through with this.. would it be better/worse to do it at his house, or at a neutral location, etc? Any advice or suggestions would be very much appreciated. Thanks!
dreamergrl Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Could the real problem be that you're spending too much time together?
Hkizzle Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I don't think it's really "living a lie", it's not that bad. Let the guy enjoy his holiday. It's so bad going on a holiday with a broken heart. You can do one of two things 1) Act distant for a week, don't see him then break it off. That way the person has a little warning sign. 2) Do it suddenly which is perceived as more honest, but also stings more.
Author opaque Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 We probably are spending more time together than would be ideal for me (and we probably did get serious far too soon), but I don't think that seeing less of each other would change anything. A lot of our interests, priorities, and values are just different, and, as I've recently been realizing, incompatible. He's a good guy, and would be a wonderful boyfriend for someone else.. just not me.
dreamergrl Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Then you need to sit down and tell him this. Don't make any games out of it. Don't put if off, or start a fight.
Author opaque Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 Hkizzle: I'll take your advice and wait until after his holiday. I already have plans to see him this week before he goes, though. I'll attempt to act distant-but-not-too-distant the best I can.. we'll see how that goes. And, I guess if that fails, I will have to just do it suddenly right after he returns. Thanks for the help.
dreamergrl Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Hkizzle: I'll take your advice and wait until after his holiday. I already have plans to see him this week before he goes, though. I'll attempt to act distant-but-not-too-distant the best I can.. we'll see how that goes. And, I guess if that fails, I will have to just do it suddenly right after he returns. Thanks for the help. No. You should be up front and honest with him right away. Why would one think that leading another person on is a good thing to do? If you wait, he's going to ask why you didn't tell him before the holiday, and why you spent the holiday with him. He could at least make the most out of the holiday with family or friends.
borbiusle Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Personally, I'd prefer the direct route, because either way, you're gonna feel hurt, might as well get it over with quick. In my situation, I wish my GF would have broken up with me before I went on vacation, that way I could at least find some comfort from my family and old friends instead of dealing with this + work/school.
Hkizzle Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 If you wait, he's going to ask why you didn't tell him before the holiday, and why you spent the holiday with him. He could at least make the most out of the holiday with family or friends. I thought she isn't going........ A little white lie is better than a slap in the face. Sometimes being brutally honest is more an act of someone that's got rigid values, and not willing to make it a little flexible to make the other person hurt less. It's a short holiday, not like she's leading him on for 6 months.......
Author opaque Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 dreamergrl: I know that I do need to have this talk with him.. and I don't want to play games. I've never had to break up with someone face-to-face before, and I guess I'm just afraid of going through with it, especially right before he leaves for this vacation. What you said is right, though, and definitely something that I needed to hear.
Author opaque Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 I'm not going on the vacation.. it's just him and a few of his friends. And it's a week-long vacation. Again, back to deciding whether to get it over with, or wait a week while he's away.
Vet Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Tell him you have a very terminal cancer, then when he gets really upset and concerned, say, "Just kidding, I'm only breaking up with you." Like rippin' off a band-aid.
Hkizzle Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Tell him you have a very terminal cancer, then when he gets really upset and concerned, say, "Just kidding, I'm only breaking up with you." Like rippin' off a band-aid. Lol, that was actually pretty funny.
dreamergrl Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I thought she isn't going........ A little white lie is better than a slap in the face. Sometimes being brutally honest is more an act of someone that's got rigid values, and not willing to make it a little flexible to make the other person hurt less. It's a short holiday, not like she's leading him on for 6 months....... You don't have to lie or be brutally honest. You can let a person down in a nice decent way. Leading him on, whether she's there or not, is not a cool thing to do. Let him start moving on. I'd be pissed to come back from a vacation or whatever to find out my bf wanted to break up with me, when he could have done it before. I'd want to use the vacation to start healing and moving on. I hate lies, little white or not. dreamergrl: I know that I do need to have this talk with him.. and I don't want to play games. I've never had to break up with someone face-to-face before, and I guess I'm just afraid of going through with it, especially right before he leaves for this vacation. What you said is right, though, and definitely something that I needed to hear. Well that's a part of life, if you want to date. And you should do it maturely. I'm not going on the vacation.. it's just him and a few of his friends. And it's a week-long vacation. Again, back to deciding whether to get it over with, or wait a week while he's away. You need to do it. You shouldn't lead someone on, even if it's just for a week.
BCCA Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 If you have reached the decision that youre going to break up, do it as soon as possible. Let him go on this vacation where his friends and family can be there for him, because he might not have the same support when he gets back. As a guy, I find it beyond annoying when women wait to breakup. There is no such thing as a 'good time', and more often than not, waiting does nothing but waste time.
tomtom26 Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I just broke up with a girl and it was not fun! Sorry to be the bare of bad news, but you are going to feel guilty for hurting him. He is going to ask why, he will be confused, he will ask to work things out, he will try desperately to save the relationship, and your heart will break for him, it's tough. I don't know if you've been the dumper before but you will learn a lot about yourself by hurting another human being, especially one you care for. Just be honest, quick and try to not drag things out. The longer you are around and talking after you break up, the more the other person thinks they can talk you out of it and it gets worse. You actually get to witness another person emotional turmoil and destruction. They are vulnerable and the only way to make them better in the short term is to agree to stay together and work on things, something you don't want to do. So you will have to be nice, but stern and stick to your guns. It's tough and there is no easy way of doing it. I did this last night and I don't envy you one bit cuz I hate myself right now. Just keep telling yourself there is a good reason why you are doing it, and that it will be for the better.
Author opaque Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 Seems like the overwhelming consensus is to get it over with before he goes away on vacation. He's coming to visit me today (45 mins from where he lives) right after work, so I'll either have to do it then, or visit him later in the week to do so (which would be preferable, as he would be at home). Tomtom: Very sorry to hear about what you're going through, and I certainly admire your having had the courage to go through with it. You have no idea how much I appreciate your perspective and firsthand knowledge of what I should prepare myself for. Wow, and it really does sound tough...
Viking Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Hkizzle: I'll take your advice and wait until after his holiday. I already have plans to see him this week before he goes, though. I'll attempt to act distant-but-not-too-distant the best I can.. we'll see how that goes. And, I guess if that fails, I will have to just do it suddenly right after he returns. Thanks for the help. Don't artifi ially make it go downhill just end it. Waiting until he returns will be worse than before he goes. Also best to just make sure he knows there is no chance of getting back together. Being friends is not a good idea. Personally, I'd prefer the direct route, because either way, you're gonna feel hurt, might as well get it over with quick. In my situation, I wish my GF would have broken up with me before I went on vacation, that way I could at least find some comfort from my family and old friends instead of dealing with this + work/school. When my ex broke up with me, she dragged it out. We were together for two years and eight months and all she did was protract the hurt and sense of loss I was feeling because it was during the summer and a lot of people had gone home from college/graduated and I was on my own. I found that I have a pretty good friend base though. So, break up with him asap for HIS own good and don't make him wait. That's a douche move. Either way you're ruining his "world" and vacation. I'm not going on the vacation.. it's just him and a few of his friends. And it's a week-long vacation. Again, back to deciding whether to get it over with, or wait a week while he's away. If you have reached the decision that youre going to break up, do it as soon as possible. Let him go on this vacation where his friends and family can be there for him, because he might not have the same support when he gets back. As a guy, I find it beyond annoying when women wait to breakup. There is no such thing as a 'good time', and more often than not, waiting does nothing but waste time.
boogieboy Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Yes make a clean break, tell him exactly why you feel youve changed in a way that is incompatible with him. Tell him the real reason and be stern with it. He might not accept it, but after that, you will probably have to stop talkting to him, because otherwise he will hang on even when youve said theres no chance of trying again. Once he knows he cannot contact you, you being out of sight will help him get over you faster. But you will have to live with the guilt, theres no easy way to do it. Its going to be painful no matter what.
sumdude Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Yeah, I agree with the honest up front approach. And if he's going on holiday with his buds at least he'll have support right now.
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