opaque Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I want/need to break up with my boyfriend, and would like any suggestions on the best way to go about doing this so as to minimize hurt feelings. If you were going to be broken up with, would you rather have the breakup preceded by a period of fighting or distancing, where things will obviously seem to be going downhill.. or, alternatively, a sudden, direct breakup, which will seem to have come out of the blue. Right now, there appear to be no problems in the relationship.. and we've been getting along very well. We've only been together for three months, but it has gotten quite serious.. we're together 3 or 4 days/nights a week, he talks about us being together for a long time in the future, and says that he would be devastated if I ever left him. In the time that we've been together, I've changed/grown in such a way that I cannot see him as someone with whom I would want a future. He has been amazing and has not done anything "wrong" to precipitate this breakup, so it will probably come as quite a surprise. I need help minimizing the shock/hurt.. is there any way to do this? Also, I need help figuring out the best time to do this; he leaves in a week for a very-long-awaited vacation abroad, and I don't want to spoil his time there in any way. On the other hand, I don't want either of us to be living a lie until he returns. And, when I go through with this.. would it be better/worse to do it at his house, or at a neutral location, etc? Any advice or suggestions would be very much appreciated. Thanks!
silic0ntoad Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Well, not to put you off, but the entire thing sounds preposterous. You say there are no problems, and everything is great.... But you've changed and outgrew the relationship. To be honest, be completely honest with him. Tell him exactly why you are leaving him so he knows what went wrong with either you or him. Put it bluntly, but don't be cold. Don't offer to remain friends. And don't try the "Not in love with you, but I love you" BS. That's all crap. Just tell him how it is and why. I would do it at a neutral place.
adamt Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Just be honest with how you feel. Don't say nasty things but be blunt if you have to get the message across. it will hurt him like hell but in the long run it will be better for him. Just say the relationship has run its course for you. Then once split up tell him it is best you both stay NC. Do not respond or contact him to see how he is, that will just give him false hope and the potential to mess with his head. There is no easy way to do it unfortunately but dont put it off. My wanted to break up with me but in the end she make it into a break. during that time i was working out how i could fix things, she also text me to say she missed me. then bang, 2 weeks later we broke up so i was hurting all over again. Be firm but honest.
MrFun Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Just be honest. And don't try any of that girly "softening down the hurt" stuff, i.e "let's stay friends, you're important to me" blah blah. One thing that struck me was: We've only been together for three months, In the time that we've been together, I've changed/grown in such a way that I cannot see him as someone with whom I would want a future huh? You do know that people change constantly throughout their lives, right? Just be honest to yourself first. He's not the one you want and you're thinking of other guys, not even anyone in particular or maybe you are. Remember what grandma said, treat people how you'd like to be treated, and you'll be right. Good luck!
Author opaque Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 SiliconToad: I can see how it would come off that way. And nothing went "wrong", per se.. we're just headed in different directions, have different priorities/values/etc. I do still care about him and want to remain friends.. but you're probably right, in that it wouldn't make for a good, clean break to tell him that.
Author opaque Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 adamt: Thank you.. I definitely won't pull the "break" card, as I'm sure that I won't be getting back together with him. NC does seem a bit extreme, but if that makes things easier, I'll do it.
GrayClouds Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 If you were going to be broken up with, would you rather have the breakup preceded by a period of fighting or distancing, where things will obviously seem to be going downhill.. or, alternatively, a sudden, direct breakup, which will seem to have come out of the blue. You sound like a game player. Playing games are immature and there to make yourself feel better. Why would you even put him or you through anything less then honesty. You do it by being direct. We've only been together for three months... I've changed/grown in such a way That is BS. Real growth does not happen that fast unless you have been in intensive counseling or cognitive behavior training. If you have changed your mind say that and apologize for the hurt that it causes him. I need help minimizing the shock/hurt.. He has been amazing and has not done anything "wrong" Again your playing a game, if he was amazing you would not be leaving him. Your not going to minimize it and to do so would not be fair to him. Do not tell him nice things to make yourself look better of for him to feel better. Let him feel like he should, hurt. Lines like that will only confuse and lead him on. The only way to minimize your choice on him would be not to get involve with anyone else for at least half the time you were together (but I suspect you already have your eye on someone else). That shows respect the relationship, for his pain and give you time to get to know yourself better so hopefully you will never surprise anyone else about your sudden change in feelings (that would be real growth). Relationships should not be treated like clothes from Old Navy, wear them for a bit and then throw them out. Be mature, treat him with respect, on be honest. Then tell him you will not contact him if he try's and suggest he does the same for it will make it easier.
Author opaque Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 MrFun: I know that people change throughout their lives.. but recently I've realized that the differences in our lives/values are just too big. For the time that we've been together, I've tried to figure out a way to make things work despite these differences.. and it's fine for now, but it just can't work long-term. Thanks for the advice.. I'll remember that.
Author opaque Posted August 24, 2009 Author Posted August 24, 2009 GrayClouds: I appreciate your input. I really try not to be a game-player.. but I guess that is what I'm doing now. I just want everyone to be happy, and wish that this could be a mutual breakup. As for the drastic change.. I really have had a major shift in values/perspective, which made much more clear the differences that already existed between us. Nothing wrong with either of us, but we both deserve to be with someone more compatible. He has been amazing, and another woman would be lucky to have him.. it just isn't what I'm looking for. It took three months, and a lot of personal change, to realize that. Also, there is no other guy, and I definitely plan on staying single for a while after we break up. I will really work on being as mature and respectful as possible while handling this, and will make sure that I don't end up in this kind of situation again.
GrayClouds Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 GrayClouds: I appreciate your input. I really try not to be a game-player.. but I guess that is what I'm doing now. I just want everyone to be happy, and wish that this could be a mutual breakup. As for the drastic change.. I really have had a major shift in values/perspective, which made much more clear the differences that already existed between us. Nothing wrong with either of us, but we both deserve to be with someone more compatible. He has been amazing, and another woman would be lucky to have him.. it just isn't what I'm looking for. It took three months, and a lot of personal change, to realize that. Also, there is no other guy, and I definitely plan on staying single for a while after we break up. I will really work on being as mature and respectful as possible while handling this, and will make sure that I don't end up in this kind of situation again. If you say that to him, I compliment you.
silic0ntoad Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 If you say that to him, I compliment you. Agreed. It's VERY rare nowadays to actually get honesty during a break up. You'll be a front runner! Don't let him down easy, be honest. It will be the most merciful thing you can do. At least then, he honestly knows he did nothing wrong.
DustySaltus Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 He has been amazing, and another woman would be lucky to have him.. it just isn't what I'm looking for. . Out of all the lines I've ever heard this one just stings the most. I just could never get this one, it's never that simple.
silic0ntoad Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Out of all the lines I've ever heard this one just stings the most. I just could never get this one, it's never that simple. Agreed. It's quite ridiculous. But, it is what it is. It's a mirror image of how rotten our culture in the US has become.
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