Scottdmw Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 About a month ago I had an experience that seems to have really helped me turn the corner in recovering from my breakup, and I thought I would share it here in case it can help anybody else. Some background that might be important. My breakup happened 2.5 years ago. I had sort of gradually gotten better, but it still had an awfully strong hold in my mind even after all that time. Even though I told myself I had let it go, I'm not sure I really had. So I heard about a guy at a church locally that a friend of mine said had a gift for helping people get over broken relationships. I had kind of reached the point of being willing to try just about anything so I went ahead and set up a meeting. The first interesting thing after we started talking was he basically took a big box of Kleenex and set it over by me. I thought it was kind of unusual, I had been to a couple of other counselors and not seen that. I certainly hadn't cried in anybody's presence, or even really much at all. I don't want to go into huge detail, but here's how the rest of it went. I'm also going to say in advance that this was very much a Christian (Catholic) experience involving prayer, although I think other parts of it are very universal. Just so you know what to expect. He asked me if I was really ready to give up the relationship, give up hoping for it to start again and give up longing for my ex and holding onto her memory. I said I was. He put his hand on my shoulder, and started praying. He then asked me to pray in the following way: “I renounce my relationship with ___, in Jesus’ name. I renounce holding onto her memory. I renounce longing for her body.” Etc. you get the idea. Well, just saying any of those words made me immediately start weeping. I mean, not just a few tears, but bawling in front of this guy. Afterwards I thought back and realized that I had just never done this. I haven't really cried about the whole thing even in private, not much anyway, not like this. I would get angry or bitter, but not really cry. During the weeks after the meeting, I thought about all this. Sometimes when I would start to get angry, at least if I was alone, I would actually try to redirect my thought process and say things like the things he had me say, like “I renounce needing to be right. I renounce wanting to hurt ____.” Sometimes it also took a different form more like: “I'm so sorry to ____ that I failed.” Saying things like that made me cry like crazy, just the mere act of speaking them aloud to myself. I wondered if I had really somehow felt like I failed all these people when we didn't get married. It’s not that I had even thought much about that before. Some of it made no rational sense at all, but apparently I still felt like I failed various people. It really has seemed like each time I made one of these statements, it would make me cry really hard for a couple of minutes, and then it was done. I haven't had the urge to revisit any of the particular points. This has made me think a lot about the role tears and weeping have in a grieving process. It's almost like I couldn't actually let go of these things until I cried about them. It's like I had it least a couple of dozen really strong emotional threads in my mind all tangled up, and I had to say each one, explicitly give it up and let it go, and cry about it, and I had to do them all one by one. I don't want to completely downplay the prayer aspect either. I've heard people say things along the lines of, “tears can be a sign of the touch of God’s healing in your heart.” I mean I guess you could argue that this guy I saw (he was a deacon) was simply successful in finally getting me to cry and let it all go. That is possible I suppose. I think about the fact though that the other counselors I saw were not able to do this, and I wonder if I could have done it without the prayer. Maybe this can help others who are stuck in the getting over a relationship struggle for too long. I also wonder, have others had experiences of suddenly being able to cry over a lost relationship and getting better? Best wishes to everyone, Scott
t0ri Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 I wasn't able to cry for a period after my breakup, I was numb. But then I really started grieving and crying most definitely made me feel better. It's like crying was the release of every emotion I had that just kept building and building. It feels good, but I think I'm past the point of crying now! Prayer has been helpful to me too. Nice story
Ingenue Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Since I'm not religious, I can't attest to prayer's role in grieving and release, but I can agree that crying can be very cathartic. I remember after 5-6 months of NC, I spoke to my ex again. During that conversation I found out a few things about his cheating and lies that he had so conveniently omitted in the initial break-up email. After that conversation, I remember having 2 days of solid crying and afterwards felt a sense of relief and release. I just let it all go, everything. It didn't matter that he cheated on me. It didn't matter that he was a horrid person. I just let it all go because it was in the past. A week later after my crying episode, I started dating and haven't looked back since. There is something to be said about releasing it all and maybe crying allows us to do that.
silic0ntoad Posted August 24, 2009 Posted August 24, 2009 Since I'm not religious, I can't attest to prayer's role in grieving and release, but I can agree that crying can be very cathartic. I remember after 5-6 months of NC, I spoke to my ex again. During that conversation I found out a few things about his cheating and lies that he had so conveniently omitted in the initial break-up email. After that conversation, I remember having 2 days of solid crying and afterwards felt a sense of relief and release. I just let it all go, everything. It didn't matter that he cheated on me. It didn't matter that he was a horrid person. I just let it all go because it was in the past. A week later after my crying episode, I started dating and haven't looked back since. There is something to be said about releasing it all and maybe crying allows us to do that. Each time you cry, you wash away another painful memory with indifference. Or so it is said.
Recommended Posts